


Honest Goodbyes

by changingapart



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:41:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 135,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29579736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changingapart/pseuds/changingapart
Summary: Title: Honest GoodbyesAuthor: SulkygeekAuthor’s Notes: This story starts out in 2025, but then goes back to 2009 and goes through high school and their years after graduation. It’s long. Also, anyone who has read anything else I’ve written knows my 16 Candles/Jake Ryan and Say Anything obsession. It’s in here, too. This is in the 3rd person, but the emphasis in the first two chapters is on Quinn. Chapters three and four have a Rachel-emphasis. Five and six have a Quinn emphasis. You get it, I’m sure.Spoilers: All the episodes through Mash UpSummary: Quinn and Rachel have a tumultuous relationship from high school onward.
Relationships: Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray
Kudos: 13
Collections: slkgk





	1. Chapter 1 (Quinn)

Title: Honest Goodbyes  
Author: Sulkygeek  
Author’s Notes: This story starts out in 2025, but then goes back to 2009 and goes through high school and their years after graduation. It’s long. Also, anyone who has read anything else I’ve written knows my 16 Candles/Jake Ryan and Say Anything obsession. It’s in here, too. This is in the 3rd person, but the emphasis in the first two chapters is on Quinn. Chapters three and four have a Rachel-emphasis. Five and six have a Quinn emphasis. You get it, I’m sure.  
Length: 6000+ words (this chapter)  
Spoilers: All the episodes through Mash Up  
Summary: Quinn and Rachel have a tumultuous relationship from high school onward.

  
\--  
Chapter 1 (Quinn)

Year: 2025

Quinn Fabray paused to stare at Owen Taylor ogle a picture of a teenaged Rachel Berry in the Glee club trophy case. Quinn couldn’t help but think of the anatomically correct drawing she’d made of Rachel in the girls’ bathroom, so many years ago. That picture had been long painted over, but Quinn still felt a pang of guilt each time she thought about it. Now that she had a teenage girl of her own, she was ashamed of her teenaged self and she hoped her own kids would be spared the bullying she and her friends inflicted on less fortunate and less blessed teenagers.

At the moment, however, she felt the urge to slap Owen upside the head, even though she was a fully grown 32 year old woman and poor Owen was just a kid who had a crush on a now-famous alumni of his high school. Still, it sort of offended her sensibilities, because even though she and Rachel still had a relationship that could be slightly adversarial at times and occasionally characterized by a mutual snippiness, Quinn still felt protective of Rachel from the intrusiveness of the outside world.

Quinn walked into her classroom and took her place at the head of the classroom. This was her free period and she had lesson plans to prepare for, tests to grade, and homework to glance at. The door opened without an announcing knock and Quinn looked up in mild annoyance, but then her face brightened.

“Hey daughter,” Quinn said casually.

Her daughter barely spoke to her anymore. Quinn supposed that was only normal, teenaged rebellion and all, but they’d always been so close and now she could feel her oldest child slipping away from her. She didn’t think it was drugs, her daughter was far too smart for that, but there was definitely something her daughter was concealing from her.

“Hi mom,” Jane greeted. She held out her palm, panhandling style, “can I have some money?”

Of course. Quinn fought the urge to roll her eyes. This was pretty much the only thing Jane said to her these days. Rachel always tried to rationalize it, that Jane was going through a rebellious stage, it was normal for a teenaged kid not to want to talk to her mother, etc. But Quinn couldn’t ignore the twinge of hurt, even when she successfully suppressed the urge to grill Rachel for the details of Janie’s life, since Jane still confided in Rachel.

“What do you need it for?” Quinn asked.

Jane heaved a deep sigh, and Quinn fought the urge to snap at her daughter.

“Lunch money. Is that okay?”

Quinn opened her bottom drawer and pulled out her purse. Janie only needed a few dollars for lunch, But Quinn slipped her a ten, two fives and five ones. “Here.”

Jane smiled at her, one of those rare smiles these days, “thanks.”

Quinn smiled back. “You’re welcome.”

“I’ll see you at home, mom.”

Quinn watched her daughter retreat out the door. Jane paused just before she left.

“Oh, I forgot,” Jane said. “Aunt Rachel called last night. She didn’t want to call you on your cell because you had student teacher conferences or whatever.”

Jane looked back apologetically, gave her a too-brief smile and then quickly exited the classroom.

\--

Quinn called Rachel back immediately. Rachel was difficult to catch, so there was never any consideration about what time was the best to call her. Quinn tried to call, and if Rachel answered, then that was the good time to call. Quinn felt herself grin dopily when the phone rang.

Rachel picked up on the second ring, answering without a proper hello.

“Your mother is a goddamn bitch,” Rachel snapped.

Quinn agreed, but she wanted to know exactly why her mother was a bitch this time.

“What happened this time?” Quinn asked, wondering if Rachel received some new late night accusatory phone call from Mrs. Fabray.

Rachel’s voice was calmer now. “She told Jane she was a mistake and that she was the reason your life turned out the way it did.” Rachel’s voice rose in renewed anger. “Like your life is so bad, like all our lives aren’t so much better because of those kids. Like--”

“Rachel,” Quinn interrupted. Her voice was low and she felt that cold, hard rage bubble up. “When did my mother say this?”

Rachel sighed, trying to bite back her rage. “A couple months ago, when Janie went to your parents to help out around the house. She just told me last night.”

Quinn felt anger bubble up inside her, boiling away so quickly and explosively that it was threatening to spill and explode.

“I’ll call you back,” Quinn snapped, immediately feeling bad that she was taking it out on Rachel, but she also knew Rachel would understand and forgive her.

\--

Quinn thought about all those years she and Jane were under her mother and father’s thumbs. They hadn’t tossed her out on the street when they discovered she was pregnant, but looking back on it, Quinn thought that would have been a preferable option. She cursed herself for not being braver back then.

The first tip-off to her parents had been her dismissal from the Cheerios. But she explained it away by the logic that few people got cheerleading scholarships, and she’d be more likely to get one for singing, so now she was going to focus on Glee, and it wasn’t going to interfere with her school work, she promised. But once she began to show, she had to come clean, and that was when the true misery started.

She’d become like a prisoner in her own home. Her car was taken away, and she had to quit Glee as punishment, too. She lost the right and privilege to make her own decisions, and not a day went by when her parents didn’t remind her of that fact. She thought maybe her parents would soften toward her when the baby was born, but Jane’s birth only seemed to harden them.

Hell, she couldn’t even control naming her own kid, and Quinn thought they would permit that much. There were a myriad of names that Quinn liked. Not Drizzle, of course, but names that weren’t exactly conventional, but pretty. And hell, hadn’t her parents named her _Quinn_? That wasn’t exactly a conventional name, either. She’d gone through a bunch of names, Aubrey, Briana, Caitlin, Daniella, Erina, etc. Every letter of the alphabet, there was something, she liked. But then her parents laid down the law—the baby had to have a conventional name, preferably Biblical, names like Esther, Ruth, Dinah, Hagar—names that she didn’t think fit her baby girl, and that last one, it was like they were punishing her baby for being alive. Hagar wasn’t such a bad name, but Quinn thought it would be open season on her kid on the playground in Lima, Ohio.

Ultimately, Quinn settled on Jane, because it meant “God’s precious gift,” because Quinn believed that’s exactly what her baby was. Maybe her baby wasn’t planned or expected, but once she arrived, she wasn’t _unwanted_. And she wanted to keep her baby girl, not give her away to a crazy person like Teri Schuester. Jane wasn’t something she’d originally planned for her baby girl-- it was kind of, well, plain and too normal. But it seemed to suit Janie well enough, and that was enough for Quinn.

When it was time for Quinn to go to college, she had to live at home and go to Ohio State, the Lima Campus. And the only way her parents would help out was if she majored in something they approved. She wanted desperately to go to college, because she figured that was the best way she’d eventually get out of Lima, so she dutifully obeyed. She was just grateful they would even still pay for college. By then, even the smallest morsels of generosity were appreciated, and paying for college was a steak dinner in a famine.

When it came time to picking a major, her parents thought that Business was the best bet, so that’s exactly what she majored in. When graduation hit, and the job market in that field was pretty dismal, she took the CBEST and started substitute teaching for money. Teaching was a pretty reliable job and eventually, she got credentialed and then she took her daughter and left her parents’ home.

Her first apartment was way beneath what she was used to, the plumbing wasn’t so great, the breakers in the building were constantly reset, and the summer brought all kinds of vermin problems. But she was finally, finally free. Still, she remembered how much she loved that first apartment, how she’d been filled with hope that she could one day leave Lima, just the way she always dreamed. She got a teaching job at McKinley High School, and bit back the feeling of wounded pride and shame because she had a kid to provide for, and what made her think she was too good for anything anymore, right? She thought it would be temporary, but ten years later, she was still there.

Back then, Rachel was both proud and angry with her for moving into that apartment. Quinn could still remember the conversation in detail.

“You could have moved in with me,” Rachel said. “You and Janie.”

Rachel had been in New York for years by then, and for years, Quinn ignored Rachel’s repeated offers they move out there and stay with her. It was only a couple years ago that Rachel stopped asking.

Quinn wished she refused to stay with Rachel because, by then, she’d accepted she was going to be in Lima for the rest of her life, and was okay with it. Liked it, even. But the truth was, she was jealous of Rachel and her success, and she didn’t want any handouts from someone she used to call “Man Hands.” She didn’t want to be dependent on anyone’s generosity or be beholden to anyone ever again, even if that person was Rachel. She’d lived under her parents’ thumbs for so long, made her poor daughter live under them, too, and she wasn’t about to owe anyone, ever again.

“You could join Teach for America and live with me,” Rachel had told her, all those years ago. “You can teach anywhere, Quinn, and there’s no need for you to teach at McKinley, you want to get out of Lima and I have the space.” Rachel paused. “For both of you.” Rachel’s voice rose with the excitement of it. “There’s a great daycare by my apartment, I walk by there all the time and I can hear the kids and they sound happy. I can check it out for you. It’ll be so good, Quinn and—“

“I’m not joining fucking Teach for America,” Quinn practically snarled at her, although tears sprang into her eyes at the life Rachel was suggesting, because she wanted that, she wanted it so very much. But she couldn’t have it, and so she just wanted Rachel to shut up about it. “What’re you trying to do, Berry? Get me killed in the ghetto? And besides, what makes you think I’d ever want us to live with you anyway? I don’t like you enough for that, even now.”

It was a mean, bitter thing to say, and Quinn didn’t mean a word of it, but she said it like she did. But she couldn’t tell Rachel she was sorry for saying something she didn’t even mean.

Rachel was quiet for a moment after that. “Okay,” she said finally. “Anyway, look, I have to go,” she said. “I have rehearsal.” Rachel paused. “I love you guys,” she said, before she hung up.

Quinn swallowed hard. “We love you, too,” she told the dead air. Later that week, she went to Lee’s liquor shop and picked up some of that grape candy that no one ever seemed to carry anymore, and sent it to Rachel in a care package, along with some new pictures of Janie. It was Rachel’s favorite, and since leaving Lima, Rachel was on a perennial search for that candy, but she couldn’t even seem to find it in the gastronomical wonderland known as Manhattan.

\--

Quinn searched for her daughter during lunch and found her standing with Stacy and Danae.

“Jane,” Quinn said, “I need to speak with you.”

Jane, Stacy and Danae exchanged looks.

“But I’m—“

“Now,” Quinn said.

Jane’s brows furrowed together, but she turned to her friends. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Sure,” Stacy and Danae said. “Bye Jane, Bye Ms. Fabray.”

Jane waited until she was in Quinn’s classroom to speak. “I didn’t do anything,” she said immediately.

Quinn was fuming. “Why didn’t you tell me what your grandmother said to you?” she demanded.

Jane looked horrified. “I can’t believe aunt Rachel told you! God, she is such a—“

“Watch it,” Quinn warned. “Rachel’s your godmother.”

Jane crossed her arms. “Whatever,” she huffed. “You call her names all the time.”

Quinn chose to ignore that, although she knew Jane was right. She loved Rachel, and every year for New Years, she made a New Years’ Resolution to be kinder to Rachel, but she just couldn’t seem to be as good to Rachel as she wanted to be.

“Janie,” Quinn said softly, approaching her daughter slowly and gently putting her hands on Jane’s shoulders. “Why didn’t you tell me what your grandmother said to you?”

Jane’s lower lip trembled and Jane bit down on it angrily, just for a moment, before her eyes fixed on her mother with a steely glare. “Why, did you want to get your two cents in, too?” she demanded. She shrugged off Quinn’s hands and stepped back

Quinn felt the air in her lungs rush out. “What?”

Jane scowled. “Grandma told me how you had such good grades, and how you were captain of the cheerleading squad, and you were on the Glee club and how you could have gone to any college, except that you got pregnant with me, so you got stuck in Lima, just another Lima loser.” Jane sneered at her. “And now you’re a single mom with three kids and you’re a teacher which you never showed even an iota of interest in, at the school you wanted desperately to leave. So basically, once you got pregnant with me, it started the downward spiral that is now your life.”

Quinn wanted to kill her mother, and as far as she was concerned, this was the last goddamn straw, and if Rachel was right, then that conversation between her mother and her daughter took place a few months ago, which was exactly when her daughter went from being an average teenager to the surly kid now standing before her.

Jane was her daughter, and she could recognize when her kid was more hurt than angry, and Jane was definitely hurt. Quinn idly thought about how much Jane was truly her daughter, because this was exactly how Quinn would have behaved at that age—replacing hurt with rage. In fact, that was how Jane’s father would have behaved, too.

“Janie,” Quinn said quietly. “When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was so scared,” she confessed. “Because I was so afraid of your grandparents and what they would do to me. And _of course_ I was afraid of what having a baby in high school was going to do to my future, but…” Quinn’s voice halted. “Once you were born, I couldn’t imagine a future without you. I didn’t _want_ a future without you. I loved you so much,” Quinn’s voice became husky. “You were so loved.”

“Yeah, because Grandma and Grandpa Fabray are so thrilled with my existence.”

“They’re assholes,” Quinn said. “They’re my parents, and they’re your grandparents, and I love them, but they’re assholes. But our family, Janie—your dad, your uncle godfather, your godmother, your aunts and uncles-- we all loved you. They would do anything for you. You didn’t mess up anyone’s life—you made mine so much better, and you brought so many people closer together.”

Jane swallowed hard, but then Jane glared down at the floor. “Yeah, whatever, mom. Can I go now, or what? I need to eat. I have gym next period, you know”

“Jane—“

“Bye mom.”  
\--

Quinn was professional enough to put aside her own personal drama to do her job, although it was difficult to do, considering the drama in question involved her bitch mother insulting her daughter. Still, when Jane got like this, she just needed some space, and as long as Jane stayed in school, Jane would be okay.

Her phone buzzed, announcing that she’d received a text message while she was in the middle of fourth period—her students were quietly grousing as they sat through a pop quiz which was about as long as an average test. She didn’t want to be in front of the classroom giving a lesson—she didn’t think she could be that professional. Quinn smiled crookedly when she saw the text was from Rachel.

_’Is Janie okay? Are YOU okay? Don’t kill your mom yet, I can’t bail you out of jail tonight.”_

In spite of herself, Quinn grinned. She checked around to see if any of her students were watching—they were always so ready to call adults out on perceived hypocrisy.

_“Mom’s safe for now. We’re ok. Call you later.”_ Quinn texted back. She wanted desperately to call Rachel, to hear the other woman’s voice, but that was strictly verboten ever since Mr. Santori was surreptitiously speaking on his phone in the middle of class a couple years ago and totally did not notice when Nick Vanderveen almost poked his eye out trying to launch his pencil into the ceiling.

Her 16 year old self would never have been able to admit that Rachel Berry was one of her best friends, but she was 32 years old now, and Rachel was the frickin’ godmother of her children. But still, the things she felt for someone who lived so far away, and who clearly had no intention of ever coming back to Lima, was a little unsettling.

\--  
Year: 2009

16 year old Quinn resented 16 year old Rachel for being so unfailingly and unflinchingly nice. Granted Rachel was one of those hyperdisciplined, hypercompetitive kids with an uber-annoying streak (for precisely the same traits that will make her so successful later on), and there was no doubt that Rachel would claw your eyes out, if she had to, but underneath it all, Rachel was just really really _nice_.

Granted Rachel was someone who was capable of Machiavellian genius, and sometimes, even now, as an adult, Rachel could come off a little mean due to a lack of tact, but that was more due to an oblivious bluntness. But when it came to meanness--that maliciousness that sought to hurt or injure, the teenaged version of Rachel didn’t have _that_. She could point out your vocal range was limited, but then compliment you on your voice. She could say that your instrumentation was decorative, which wasn’t really the way it was composed, but it was nonetheless proficient and well-done. Rachel was a diva, girly and attention-seeking since birth, but she was a sweet one. Later on in life, Rachel would be habitually described as “sweet, but intense and possibly crazy.”

Teenaged Quinn, on the other hand, had no problems being mean and easily recognized the weaknesses and insecurities in others that Rachel was either oblivious to, or simply ignored. And Quinn was not above commenting on those weaknesses, if she was having a bad day. She wasn’t mean enough that she didn’t secretly feel guilty about being so mean, but she wasn’t so nice that she could stop herself from being such a bitch. She was 16 years old when she learned that she didn’t need to tear others down to make herself feel better, but she was much older before she could successfully put that into practice. Later on in life, Quinn would feel more guilt about her teenaged actions than was necessary.

In any case, during the autumn of 2009, Quinn Fabray was still trying to hold onto Finn and desperately trying to conceal a pregnancy from her parents. Her GPA was faltering, although only just a little bit. Not enough to prompt concern from her teachers, just enough to necessitate a warning or two and lectures about prioritizing. Her life was a mess, and she wasn’t histrionic enough to wish herself dead or anything, but she did think her life sucked.

She wasn’t showing yet—no tell tale baby bump, but she had the nausea, and although she knew it wasn’t possible yet, she really believed her baby was already pressing down on her bladder, because she was going to the bathroom every few minutes (it seemed that way anyway). Sometimes she thought she could almost feel her organs shifting around to accommodate the new life growing inside her. And it truly sucked, she was having problems with her balance, which apparently was a side-effect of pregnancy, even early ones like hers. She was clumsier than normal, which bothered her, because she liked to think herself graceful, and she was glad she was done with the Cheerios before Coach Sylvester could further humiliate her.

She was at her car one ordinary day, struggling to balance her chemistry book in one hand and removing the costume for a Glee performance that night from her trunk with the other hand. She grumbled about her useless boyfriend, because wasn’t it his job to help her out in times like this, when she felt a warm hand curl around hers and pull the hanger away from her .

Startled, she looked to her right where Rachel was already holding hooked end of the hanger and was gently pulling up the garment bag. Rachel was bent down slightly as she peeked into Quinn’s trunk and Rachel moved a gym bag out of the way to pull Quinn’s garment bag out with ease. She passed it to Quinn and gave the blonde a small smile, but then she stepped away before Quinn could even respond. Quinn didn’t say thank-you, and she wished she’d just been able to do it, to put aside petty jealousy and be gracious. But she couldn’t.

That was when Quinn believed the true measure of sensitivity was being able to do something someone really needed without being asked. An hour and twenty minutes later, after Chemistry let out, and Quinn walked to Glee, she saw Rachel walking toward the music room as well. Typically, Quinn would have just walked into the room and let the door close behind her, even if Rachel were right behind her. But this time, Quinn held the door, even though Rachel was still at least thirty feet away.

“Thank-you,” Rachel said, giving her a brief glance as she passed Quinn to walk into the room.

“Yeah,” Quinn said.

Then they took their usual seats, Quinn in the back with Brittany and Santana and Rachel in the front.

Puck and Rachel took the lead and Quinn watched her boyfriend watch Rachel and stopped feeling guilty for not saying thank-you.

Puck and Rachel sing that Regina Spektor and Ben Folds duet, “You Don’t Know Me” and everyone gets into the chorus because it is insidiously catchy. Everyone that is, herself and her boyfriend, Quinn noted. Finn watched Rachel and Puck with open jealousy and it took everything in Quinn’s power not to smack Finn in the chest.

“You don’t know me, you don’t know me at all,” Puck and Rachel sang to each other.

Rachel looked happy and carefree, and in that moment, Quinn would have done anything to trade places with her.

After practice, Quinn walked to her car and just sat in it for a while. She didn’t want to go home, but she didn’t want to be with anyone either, at least, not her boyfriend or Brittany and Santana. She loved them, she really did. But they would be worried about her and try to make her talk or make lame, but well-intentioned attempts to cheer her up. She just wanted to sit in the quiet for a while. She thought about driving around, but that wasn’t a good idea. Lima was a small town, and someone would inevitably ask her parents “where was Quinn going?” and then she’d have to talk to them, which was precisely the last thing she wanted. Ever.

She watched Rachel walk out of the school and into the parking lot. Quinn watched Rachel through her rearview mirror, watched as Rachel paused and then approached a parked car.

Quinn watched Rachel with interest.

A woman got out of the car, and Rachel had a heated conversation with her. The other woman, short and petite with long dark hair tried to put her hands on Rachel’s shoulders, but Rachel raised her hands up and took a few steps back. Quinn couldn’t see who Rachel was talking to, but Rachel looked upset and flustered. Quinn had never seen Rachel look so upset and flustered, not even after she got hit in the face with a slushie.

Rachel’s arms were crossed defiantly in front of her chest and her expression was resolute and stony. She shook her head. The woman seemed to give up and got back into her car. But she didn’t leave yet. She motioned Rachel over and Rachel cautiously took a few steps forward. The woman passed Rachel something, and clearly whatever parting words were passed upset Rachel deeply because Rachel held the object up toward her face to stare at it. It was a book, and a thick one at that, and Rachel looked like she really wanted to throw it. Rachel bit her lower lip (a gesture that Quinn would later be able to immediately recognize as Rachel feeling guilty about something), before Rachel stuck the book in her backpack.

Quinn was curious, which should have been the first sign that she wasn’t as indifferent to Rachel as she liked to believe. But she wasn’t curious enough to ask, at least, not at that moment. Quinn watched Rachel walk to her car, and she stayed there until the parking lot was completely empty and the sky was dark. She got home in time for dinner, and her parents didn’t ask where she’d been, and she wasn’t entirely sure they really cared.

Quinn always made sure she was cordial to Rachel after that, despite the fact she couldn’t say she liked Rachel. Rachel was always unfailingly polite and nice to her, and Quinn believed being overtly mean to Rachel would give the other girl the upper hand, and Quinn didn’t want to give that up.

By December of 2009, there was a tiny baby bump, but having to dress in layers for the colder weather made it so easy to mask, and if her parents noticed that she dressed more conservatively, then they are pleased about it, because they don’t comment. She’d liked to believe they were pleased about it, because at least that means they noticed.

It wasn’t that they ignored her—they talked to her, but it was only to lecture. They didn’t really seem to care about what she wanted or how she was feeling at all. They didn’t ask “how was school today?” They asked “how did you _do_ in school today?”

The Glee club members had a Secret Santa exchange with one another that year, with a $25 limit. They all chipped in five dollars for Mr. Schuester’s gift (once he heard they were chipping in to buy him something and that it was $20 a person, he first told them not to, and then relented because they complained and set a five dollar each limit). Quinn got Rachel, and she’d wondered if Rachel got her, if this was some kind of Glee club conspiracy to bring them together. The odds of that kind of conspiracy happening were 50-50.

Quinn thought about getting Rachel a crappy gift, and then pretending like she misunderstood that Secret Santa as one of those things where you intentionally give crappy gifts and people try to steal them from each other. But the truth was, Quinn didn’t want to be that petty, not to Rachel and not to anyone else. Maybe the pregnancy was softening her, the baby’s soul smoothing out the hard edges of her personality, or maybe she was finally free to become who she really was. But she just didn’t want to be an asshole about it. The mood at Glee was uplifting and exciting. Everyone _really_ wanted to win at Regionals, and their desire to win was so very palpable. She was part of a team, and she didn’t want to do anything to spoil that.

She wished she’d gotten Brittany or Santana or even Puck, because they were easy to shop for, since she knew them. But what could she get for Rachel? She honestly didn’t know the girl that well. Oh sure, Rachel was hyperdriven and nice and all that. And sometimes, she could predict exactly what Rachel was going to say, before she even said it, but she didn’t know what Rachel would like or enjoy. And she was not going to do the gift-card cop-out.

Later, during Glee practice, Quinn eavesdropped on a conversation Rachel had with Tina while everyone was waiting for Mr. Schuester. Rachel was talking and Tina was mainly nodding. Rachel was going on about the merits of Peter Gabriel which somehow segued into Rachel giving a rapid-fire commentary on the movie, _Say Anything_ with John Cusack. Verdict: John Cusack was hot and all, and the gesture totally sweet, but would have been creepy in someone less attractive. Tina nodded sagely, and then Rachel declared that _Say Anything_ was one of her favorite movies along with _16 Candles_ because Jake Ryan on 16 Candles was way hotter than Jake Ryan on Hannah Montana, not that she, Rachel Berry, would ever deign to watch Hannah Montana. Then Rachel made a mental note (except she said it out loud, and did Rachel ever have a thought she didn’t say out loud) to buy them, because surprisingly enough, she did not have them.

That day, Quinn went Borders and bought _Say Anything_ , _16 Candles_ and _Almost Famous_ because Rachel made a comment about liking Cameron Crowe movies, overall, except the one with Tom Cruise, but mainly because Rachel couldn’t remember a time when she found Tom Cruise to be anything but a little weird. She wrapped them up in blue and silver Hanukkah paper, with a white bow, but she attached a holiday card in a pink envelope, because this was still a gift for Rachel Berry.

The exchange took place on the seventh day of Hanukkah which incidentally was the last day of school before Winter Break and the day before Sectionals. Everyone was nervous, but pumped and generally seemed excited. Music played from a iPod docking station that Mr. Shuester brought with him, and they all take turns looking through his iPod and playing songs they liked. Rachel had been surprisingly mellow for the past week, and everyone was cautiously optimistic there would be no meltdown before Sectionals. Quinn found herself surprisingly anxious that her present would be met with approval. Quinn was the first one to arrive at practice, and Mr. Schuester was already there and he was trying to decorate the room to look as festive as possible. Quinn helped him, and the others crowded in, laughing and talking with one another.

They sat down for some pastries baked reluctantly by Mr. Schuester’s wife (none of the girls touch them, and even the boys eye them a little suspiciously before digging in), chips, chicken and veggie wraps and pizza. Everyone exchanged gifts, and Mr. Schuester looked pleased that everyone’s gifts choices seemed to be really thoughtful, even when people didn’t know each other very well.

When it was Quinn’s turn, she stood up and approached Rachel with her present. Rachel looked at her hesitantly and eyed the present with a bit of suspicious trepidation.

“It’s not going to throw something in my face if I open it, will it?” Rachel asked, only half-jokingly. “Because that would not be in the proper spirit of the gift exchange, Quinn.”

Quinn was hurt, but didn’t blame Rachel for being a little suspicious.

“No,” Quinn said. “I didn’t have time to arrange that. Maybe for your birthday. It’s in July, isn’t it?”

Rachel laughed, and opened it. She pulled out the DVDs and looked at Quinn with surprised. “Thanks Quinn,” she said sincerely. “I really love these movies, but I don’t have any of them.”

“You’re welcome,” Quinn said.

Everyone in the room, even Mr. Schuester, released a breath of relief.

After Brittany gave Artie his gift, it was Rachel’s turn. Rachel stood up and announced “Quinn was my Secret Santa recipient, which I am fairly certain was somehow orchestrated, but even so, Happy Christmas, Quinn, since you actually celebrate it.”

Quinn wanted to laugh, partly because she thought the Gleeks orchestrated it, too, but also because she’d normally find Rachel saying _anything_ to be completely obnoxious, but now she kind of found Rachel to be….well, _endearing_. God, pregnancy was so much more disturbing than anyone said.

Rachel gave her a genuine smile and passed her an impeccably wrapped present.

When Quinn opened it, she couldn’t help but grin. It was _How I Met Your Mother Season 4_. Quinn knew she shouldn’t like the show, what with all the drinking and premarital sex and all, but the show was hilarious and she really rooted for Marshall and Lily, because it made her believe that she could meet someone when she was young and make the relationship stick. She wasn’t yet at the point when she’d accepted she and Finn wouldn’t last forever, so she liked shows and movies where relationships worked out in the long-term, and people seemed happy about it. Plus, her parents disapproved heavily of the show, so she hadn’t seen much of Season 4 and both of those things heightened her joy at the receipt of the gift.

“Thank you,” Quinn said softly. “How did you even know?”

Rachel shrugged, but she grinned at Quinn. “I know how to listen,” she said with a self-deprecating laugh. “I’m just a better talker.”

“No kidding,” Artie, Mike, Matt, Santana and Puck dead-panned.

Rachel scowled at them, and they were left wondering how someone who had to ask for help for reaching for items on high shelves could look so intimidating.

Everyone left that night feeling really good and really pumped. They don’t practice, because they’ve worked hard enough for the year. Before they all leave, Mr. Schuester stops to let them all know how proud he is of them, and that whatever happens at Sectionals, he is honored to teach them.

The next day, they take Sectionals, and they take a lot of pleasure in beating Vocal Adrenaline. Quinn’s parents don’t show up, which was expected, but Rachel’s fathers are there, and the white one, Paul, smiled at her on his way to hug Rachel. “You did wonderfully tonight,” he said very sweetly. Alex, Rachel’s black father, agreed, and he smiled at Rachel as well. “You have a beautiful voice,” he complimented.

Quinn watched Rachel hug both her fathers, saw the looks of adoration and love on the faces of Rachel’s dads, and she thought that maybe Rachel was so annoyingly self-assured because she truly was loved in this world. Rachel may not be above stepping on someone else to get to the top, but she was above bringing someone down to build herself up.

When Rachel’s dads decide to host a Glee post-Sectionals victory party, everyone goes. Brittany was planning on going anyway—Brittany was the very definition of a team player, but Santana and Finn have to convince Quinn. Finn talks about team spirit and being supportive of one another, and celebrating their victories, but Santana just uses the curiosity angle-- Santana is dying to see what the Berry house looks like. And honestly, Quinn kind of is, too.

The house is well-decorated and there’s a lot of nice art on the walls. Quinn can appreciate their beauty, but she doesn’t recognize any of the painters. The home is a veritable shrine to Rachel during various stages of development. They have a great entertainment system and everyone is quickly occupied by food and all the things the Berry house has to offer.

Quinn snuck away, primarily because she wanted to be alone, but also because she wanted to snoop. It was forgivable, right? You have a house party, and there’s an expectation that your guests will snoop.

She found Rachel’s room easily enough, and glanced around, feeling a little guilty, despite her mental justifications for snooping. It was a relentlessly girly bedroom, but it suited Rachel. Quinn sat down on the bed, and couldn’t help smile when she saw the DVDs she’d given Rachel on top of the TV. She stayed like that for a couple minutes, thumbing through the books on Rachel’s nightstand. She opened the top drawer of Rachel’s nightstand, hoping that Rachel would be like most people and have that be the naughty drawer. It was kind of disappointing, just a few condoms, which Quinn couldn’t even be sure Rachel was using. Rachel was the prepared type. (Unlike herself, Quinn supposed).

Perversely, Quinn felt the urge to rummage through Rachel’s multi-drawered dresser. There were so many drawers, and Quinn started with the bottom row first. The first couple were just clothes, folded neatly. But the bottom drawer on the far right was heavy and Quinn gave it a hard tug before she could open it.

Quinn stared down at the contents. There were at least eight identical brown-leathered books, and Quinn recognized them immediately. Bibles. They were all copies of the same New International Version Bible. That was just weird.

“Jews believe the first five books of the Old Testament, you know,” Rachel said, standing in her doorway.

Startled, Quinn turned around quickly. “What are you, secretly converting to Christianity?” she asked, conveniently making her voice as mocking as possible so she doesn’t have to apologise for the intrusion.

The tone doesn’t seem to bother Rachel. “My mother converted to Christianity,” Rachel explained. “So now every time she sees me, she gives me a copy of the Bible.” Rachel paused. “The same exact one, every time.” Rachel shrugged self-deprecatingly. “I just can’t bring myself to throw them out, I mean, it’s the _Bible._ /”

“Why does your mom give you a copy of the Bible?” Quinn asked, with a frown. “That seems…” Quinn trailed off. It just seemed weird.

“Have you met my _dads_?”Rachel asked, and for the first time in a long time, Rachel sounded a little defensive.

“So, what, now she thinks being gay is wrong or something” Quinn asked.

Rachel glared at her. “If you’re asking if she’s sorry that I was born, no, Quinn, she is not. She’s pro-life”

Quinn suddenly remembered that heated conversation she saw Rachel have with some woman in the school parking lot, and realized that was Rachel’s biological mother. She sort of regretted not seeing the woman’s face.

“I thought you were born in a test tube or something.” Quinn said. “With a surrogate mother or whatever.”

“I was born in the hospital,” Rachel said evenly. “They looked at surrogates, but they had this friend who volunteered.”

“And now she converted,” Quinn mused.

“Yes.”

Quinn thought about saying something she knew was fucked up, but she chose not to, because the situation was fucked up without her input.

“You can’t tell my dads,” Rachel said, suddenly visibly anxious. “They know she’s all crazy and born again, but they don’t know about the Bibles, and they don’t know she comes to see me sometimes. And if they did, they wouldn’t let me see her ever again, and she’s my mother or whatever.”

Quinn rose to her feet, although she needed to hold onto Rachel’s dresser for support, which was so embarrassing. “Don’t think I care enough to expose your little secret.”

Rachel’s too relieved to care that Quinn just insulted her, and Quinn left the room after that.

TBC  



	2. Chapter 2

At the very end of December 2009, after Hanukkah, Christmas and Boxing Day were over, but before New Years Eve, Rachel was begging everyone in a mass email to the Glee club to please see “The White Ribbon” with her, it’s in very limited release, and the fact that it came to their state is a miracle, let alone that it was at a theatre that was only an hour and half drive. Too many people hit “reply all” and soon it became a tangled mess of “stop hitting reply all, and no, Rachel, I will not go with you to see some German movie about a village where weird things happen,” to “stop fucking hitting reply all!” The conversation soon switched over to Twitter, and Quinn was mortified that she’d genuinely wanted to see the movie, too, and had asked Santana, Brittany and Finn to see it with her just a week before. They’d already said no thanks to her, too, because no one had any interest in seeing it, so it wasn’t a Rachel rejection thing, it was that no one wanted to see the movie.

Brittany, perennially sweet and helpful, pointed out to Quinn (over Twitter, God, and not even in a Direct Message, but publicly) that Rachel wanted to see the same movie that Quinn had asked to see just a week ago, and isn’t that a great idea? They could go together. Pretty soon, everyone else in Glee was reposting it, like they were being so helpful, and that was how Quinn and Rachel ended up driving an hour and half away the night before New Years Eve. December 30th was the very last day the movie was going to be shown in that theatre, but still, it wasn’t all that crowded, which is to say, not at all.

It wasn’t the kind of movie Quinn Fabray was known for wanting to see, and Rachel eyed her with suspicion, like it was some sort of trick. Quinn felt a little insulted Rachel would seem so shocked that she, Quinn Fabray, would want to see the same black-and-white German movie as Rachel flipping Berry. But then again, Quinn had tried for a long time to create an image, and she really couldn’t complain when someone believed it. But it didn’t seem like the kind of movie Rachel Berry would want to see either, what with the lack of singing and…well, lack of ostentatious HD color.

Quinn was a talker through the previews of movies, and she was thoroughly annoyed that Rachel actually shushed her through the preview. For all of Rachel’s loquaciousness, she didn’t talk once through the movie, didn’t even look over to share a glance.

They shuffled out of the movie thoroughly depressed and a little confused.

“I’m so glad the others didn’t come with us, we never would have heard the end of it,” Rachel finally said as they hurried to Quinn’s car so they could turn on the heater.

“Never,” Quinn agreed emphatically.

They made it into Quinn’s car and turned on the heater first, followed by the radio. Regina Spektor played on the radio and Quinn and Rachel subconsciously sang along, quietly, under their breaths. They’d turned the radio off earlier because they’d argued about how to find the theatre, with Rachel saying Quinn should have turned left on Ergemont, and Quinn huffing and saying it was a right on Paxton and then a right on Ergemont. Neither of them were right, but they found it accidentally anyway.

“If I kiss you where it’s sore, will you feel better, better better, will you feel anything at all?” they sang. They sing along to the entire song, and then the radio station went to commercial.

“Did you like it? The movie, I mean.” Quinn asked.

There was a pause and Quinn fully anticipated some long treatise on German nationality or something, but then Rachel spoke.

“I didn’t get it,” Rachel said, her voice very frank.

Quinn burst into laughter, genuinely amused. “Me neither,” Quinn said. “I thought it was going to be a ghost movie.”

Rachel laughed at that. “Me too.”

They grinned at one another, and they stared at one another for just an additional beat. Quinn averted her eyes first. She started the car and started to drive for the highway, when she simultaneously felt the urge to eat and the urge to pee.

“Are you hungry? I’m starved,” Quinn asked.

“Uhm, sure,” Rachel said, agreeing quickly because somehow she’d managed to forget that Quinn was pregnant. “Whatever you want.”

Quinn found the nearest place that served food and pulled into it. It was a Chinese restaurant, buffet style. Quinn hurried to use the restaurant’s restroom and was not at all embarrassed that she was practically running.

When they sat down to eat, Quinn was mortified that she had nearly twice the amount of food that was on Rachel’s plate.

“I ate a big breakfast and lunch,” Rachel said, when Quinn glanced at her plate, then at her own, and back again at Rachel’s.

Quinn felt like a moose.

“You’re eating for two,” Rachel said gently.

Quinn felt tears prick her eyes—she was so sensitive these days, it was a cliché. But she thought about how much she was eating these days, how fat and pregnant she was, and most of all, how much her parents were absolutely going to murder her when they found out, and she was running out of time. They were going to find out soon. And then having Rachel be so nice to her, seeming almost to read her mind and answer questions she never even asked out loud-- that made her want to cry even more.

Rachel saw the tears begin to build in Quinn’s eyes and appeared alarmed. “Wow,” Rachel said. “You know, I’m suddenly starving, I need to get more food. I’ll be right back.”

When Rachel came back, her plate was twice as full as Quinn’s plate. Quinn has composed herself by then, and she’s grateful she could do it with relative privacy. Quinn wanted to laugh at all the food on Rachel’s plate because Rachel looked nauseous as she looked down at the mountain of food, as though she were already full.

Quinn ate quickly and ate a lot. Quinn saw that Rachel tried to eat just as much, even though Rachel was clearly not hungry anymore. It was a nice gesture and once she saw that Rachel actually winced when she picked up her fork after setting it down to take a sip of water, Quinn knew she had to put a stop to it.

“You don’t have to be the one with a sympathetic pregnancy,” Quinn said with a smile, reaching across the table to put her hand over Rachel’s. “I know you can’t eat more. You look like you want to cry.”

Rachel smiled in relief. “I really do want to cry,” she said, rubbing her stomach. “Oh my God, I think I’m having a hard time breathing, I am so full.”

“Just because I am heifer, doesn’t mean you should be, too,” Quinn said.

Rachel frowned at that. “It’s very important for you to have good nutrition, Quinn,” Rachel said. “You aren’t a heifer, you’re a pregnant woman. You need to eat or else you jeopardize your health and your baby’s health.”

Rachel didn’t say anything that Quinn hadn’t already read on the internet or heard in a health class, but Finn tended to focus on how big her boobs were getting and Santana and Brittany made her think about all the ways in which her body would never be the same again. It felt nice to have someone truly focus on her well-being, at least, just for that moment.

Quinn wanted to be gracious and say “thanks” but instead she ducked her head down, hoped she wouldn’t start crying (the way she was prone to doing these days, damn hormones setting her off with barely any provocation) and muttered a low “yeah.” She stood up and said, “I’m going to get some frozen yogurt” and chuckled a little when Rachel looked like she was going to throw up. “I promise you I won’t make you eat any,” Quinn teased.

“Thank God,” Rachel sighed.

They drove home without talking to one another very much, but they didn’t argue over what songs to listen to, and Rachel didn’t complain when Quinn had to pull over a few more times to use the bathroom. All in all, Quinn counted the night as being in the ‘plus’ column, except, of course, for not understanding the movie they’d pleaded with the rest of the Gleeks to watch with them.

When Quinn pulled in front of Rachel’s house, Rachel saw a familiar car parked in front of the house. Quinn recognized the car as Rachel’s birth mom’s from that night at the school parking lot. Quinn glanced at Rachel curiously.

“Fuck,” Rachel muttered, her voice very low, very soft as she drew out the vowel.

“That’s your mother’s car, right?”

Rachel’s head snapped back at Quinn. “How did you know?” she asked, her eyes narrowing slightly.

“I saw you guys in the parking lot once after practice,” Quinn admitted.

“Oh,” Rachel said.

“You don’t want to go in?” Quinn asked.

“It’s not that,” Rachel said. “It’s--” Rachel abruptly trailed off.

“What?” Quinn prompted curiously.

“Nothing,” Rachel said. She opened the passenger door and got out. “Thanks for the ride,” she said, moving to shut the door.

“Rachel,” Quinn called before the dark-haired girl could shut the door.

“Yes?”

“Just because someone is a mother doesn’t make them a good one.” She could have been talking about her own mother, as well.

Rachel glanced at Quinn who just happened to be touching her stomach and misinterpreted Quinn’s meaning. “You’re going to be fine. As a mother, I mean,” Rachel said. She gave a tiny smile and then shut the door, walking slowly to the front door.

\--

Year: 2010

Quinn didn’t see Rachel again for another week, and by then it was already the New Year. Each day that passed, Quinn felt her anxiety increase because it was only a matter of time before her parents found out the truth, and then her life as she knew it would totally be over. She wished that she was underestimating her parents, like those kids who were so afraid to come out to their parents, and then the parents ended up being pretty cool about it. Like Kurt’s dad, who wasn’t going to be heading up the local PFLAG chapter any time soon, but would never in a million years kick Kurt out over it. Quinn didn’t believe for one second her parents would be supportive, so she didn’t think she was underestimating them at all.

Years later, when she watched her own kids grow up, she could admit to herself that what made the whole situation even more painful was that she wished more than anything her parents would have proven her wrong.

When Quinn finally saw Rachel again, it was because she ran into Rachel at the mall. Quinn needed to buy bigger pants-- she refused to buy maternity pants yet, and wanted to buy some pants in bigger sizes. Rachel was there with Mercedes and Tina, and even though the Glee club was divided up into smaller cliques, and she was definitely in a clique with Santana and Brittany, Quinn’s feelings were a little hurt she didn’t get an invite.

Mercedes and Tina greeted her cheerfully and immediately asked her to shop with them. Rachel smiled at her, but didn’t ask her to come along and didn’t comment when Quinn agreed. Mercedes and Tina had always been nice to her, and this day was no exception. They went out of their way to make Quinn feel included and she had to admit that for a while, she felt like a normal teenager again.

Rachel didn’t seem any different, but she seemed a little subdued. Neither Mercedes nor Tina seemed to notice, or if they did, they didn’t comment on it, so Quinn didn’t either.

They spent most of the day there, and when it was time to go home, Quinn didn’t want to go home. Whenever she was at home, she was so scared one of her parents might catch onto her. The less time she spent at home, the better.

Mercedes and Tina drove together, since they lived closer to one another. They parked at a different entrance and so they exchanged quick hugs with Quinn and Rachel and then waved goodbye, stating they all needed to get together again before school started.

“Where are you parked?” Quinn asked.

“Uhm, Macy’s, near the Men’s Department.”

“Looking for a new ensemble, RuPaul?” Quinn asked, more out of habit than anything else.

Rachel heaved a sigh and rolled her eyes, but didn’t respond to the barb.

“I’m parked there, too,” Quinn said.

“Uh-huh…”

They started to walk towards Macy’s. They were quiet for a while until Quinn spoke again.

“Hey,” Quinn said. “Are you okay?” she asked.

Rachel looked at her, her expression inscrutable. “Yeah,” she finally answered.

Quinn stared down at the ground for a moment and took a deep breath. “I don’t want to go home yet,” she admitted. “Do you want to go do something?”

Rachel tilted her head to gaze at Quinn. She stopped walking, which caused Quinn to stop walking. “Why don’t you call one of the Cheerios?”

Quinn shrugged. “We’re already together.”

Rachel looked at her appraisingly and Quinn squirmed a little at that look. “Do you want to come over?” Rachel asked, finally speaking. “We can watch a movie or something.”

“Okay,” Quinn agreed.

“Do you mind if we eat dinner before we go?”

Quinn grinned. “Definitely not.”

\--

The atmosphere at the Berry house was very different. There was definite tension there, and if anyone can recognize domestic tension, it is Quinn. Rachel’s fathers were eating dinner together, and when Rachel and Quinn came in, they asked them if they were hungry. Rachel replied they’d already eaten and Quinn can see Rachel’s dads are a little disappointed. Rachel grabbed a couple glasses of water and then they go off to Rachel’s rooms.

“What’s up with that? What’s up with your and your dads?” Quinn asked bluntly, once they got into Rachel’s room, because if she wanted a house of tension, she could have just gone home.

Rachel’s cheeks turned red. “I scre-- made an error in judgment,” she admitted.

“How so?” Quinn asked. Her forehead furrowed.

Rachel sighed. “My mother came here last week.”

“Yeah,” Quinn said. “I remember.”

Rachel rolled her eyes and shook her head. “My dads are really mad at me for not telling them that she was coming around.”

“And the whole giving you ten of the same Bible thing,” Quinn said.

Rachel blew out a breath. “Yeah.”

“Why do you even want a relationship with your mother?” Quinn asked. “I mean, if she’s so against your dads and anti-gay now?”

Rachel looked miserable. “That’s what they said.” Rachel bit her lower lip. “She never wanted a relationship with me when I was younger,” Rachel said softly. “She’d come over for our big Fourth of July parties and she never wanted to talk to me or anything. And then when I was ten, she had this big change and suddenly she wanted me in her life.” Rachel smiled crookedly. “She didn’t like that I was Jewish or being raised by two gay dads, but she wanted to see me and I always wanted to know what it was like to have a mother. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, so I just couldn’t tell them I wanted to talk to her even though she was just so awful.”

“It’s not so great having a mother, you know,” Quinn said. “I mean, just because she gave birth to you doesn’t mean she knows how to be a good mom.” Quinn paused. “I mean, if you just want to know what it’s like to have a mom, you’re not missing a lot from yours. My mom isn’t much better than yours,” Quinn said. “I don’t know what she’s going to do to me when she finds out I’m pregnant.” Quinn chucked mirthlessly. “She’ll probably call me a fornicator and kick me out of the house.”

“I’m sorry,” Rachel said softly.

“I just mean…having a mom isn’t so great and your dads seem really great.”

“They are,” Rachel agreed. She averted her eyes and then stood up. “Do you want something to eat? Crackers or something?”

Quinn smiled at her. “Yeah,” she admitted, even if she felt like a sow. “Thanks.”

\--

Quinn learned that night that Rachel snored very lightly. They’d propped themselves against the backboard of Rachel’s bed when they watched Almost Famous and somehow before the end of the film, Rachel was curled on her side, snoring very lightly. Years later, Quinn would look at that night as the beginning of the end, because 1) she found Rachel’s snoring to be, God help her, cute and 2) she didn’t have the heart to wake Rachel.

Rachel woke up on her own and when she sat up, she saw Quinn and blinked in confusion and then became more oriented. She looked embarrassed and immediately apologized. “Sorry,” Rachel said. “I didn’t mean to be such a bad hostess.”

Quinn shrugged. “It’s okay,” she said. “But the movie is almost over.”

Rachel made a little noise of exclamation and then turned her attention back to the movie.

Quinn and Rachel finished the movie, the ending of which was strangely prescient to their current situations and then Quinn glanced at her watch regretfully. “I should go,” Quinn said quietly. “It’s getting late and you’re tired.”

Rachel gazed at her for a moment, trying to gauge Quinn’s mood.

“Do you really not want to go home that badly?” Rachel asked, her voice soft but the question undeniably blunt.

Quinn could answer the question immediately. She definitely did not want to go home. She really really did not want to go home. But to admit that out loud to Rachel Berry at this time of night, when they were alone and on Rachel’s home turf no less? It just felt like she was going to be too sincere or something. Too exposed or whatever, because she tried as hard as she could to cultivate an image that she was perfect and everything in her life (pregnancy notwithstanding) was hunky dory and there was still a part of her that believed if she could just get out of Lima, away from her parents and away from all the scrutiny, then everything in her life would be hunky dory and perfect.

But Quinn took a deep breath and sighed. “Yes,” she admitted.

Rachel looked at her sympathetically. “We have a guest bedroom,” she said. “You can stay there tonight if you want.”

“Uhm, what about your dads?”

Rachel shrugged. “They’re great,” she said simply. “If you really don’t want to go home, you can stay here tonight.”

Quinn contemplated this. It would only be delaying the inevitable, but at least she had one more day where she didn’t have to worry about her parents figuring out she was pregnant. “Okay,” Quinn said finally. “Are…are you sure you’re okay with it?”

“I would not have offered if I weren’t okay with it,” Rachel said. “I’ll go tell my dads and you can call your parents or text them or something.” Rachel stood up and started to leave.

“Rachel,” Quinn called.

Rachel stopped and looked at Quinn inquisitively.

“Thank you,” Quinn said quietly.

Rachel nodded. “You’re welcome.”

Quinn texted her mother while Rachel went to talked to her fathers. The text was simple, “I’m really tired and it’s snowing, is it ok if I stay at Rachel Berry’s?” It was a few minutes later when her mother texted her back. “Yes.”

Rachel came back a few minutes later. “They’re fine with it. What about your parents?”

“They’re fine with it, too,” Quinn said.

“Uhm…” Rachel said, shifting awkwardly. “Are you tired? Do you want to watch another movie or something?”

“I’m not that tired. Are you tired? I don’t want to keep you up if you’re tired…” Quinn trailed off and cursed herself for sounding like a nerd.

“I’m not that tired either,” Rachel said.

“Uh, what movies do you have?” Quinn asked. “Nothing that will make me cry,” she added quickly. She was very emotional and almost everything could trigger her.

Rachel contemplated this for a moment. Her movie tastes tended to lean toward nostalgic 1980s movies that her fathers exposed her to while she was growing up, musicals, and melodramas where the audience could root for the underdog. Most of those movies had the potential for tears. Then she brightened. “Daddy has Wedding Crashers. Have you seen it?”

Quinn nodded. “That sounds perfect.”

“I’ll run up and get it,” Rachel said. “Do you want anything else? Crackers? Water?”

Quinn shook her head. “I’m fine.”

“Okay.”

Rachel was gone for a few minutes, and when she returned, she put the DVD in, and then settled back in the bed next to Quinn.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Quinn asked bluntly.

Rachel turned to look at Quinn in annoyance. “Quinn, shh. You’re talking through the movie.”

“It hasn’t even started yet!”

“It’s about to.”

Quinn rolled her eyes. How could someone who talked as much as Rachel did have such an aversion to talking through movies, particularly movies she owned and could pause. She reached over to pluck the remote control from Rachel’s hands, ignoring Rachel’s cry of outrage, mentally noting that as an only child, Rachel never learned to share. She paused the movie, which was still at its FBI Warning for God’s sake.

“Seriously, why are you being so nice to me?” Quinn asked bluntly.

Rachel shrugged. “Do you want me to be mean to you?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Quinn said quietly.

Rachel shrugged again. “I don’t feel the need to make anyone’s life harder than it has to be,” she said finally. “And we’re in Glee together, so I think it’s better if we have an amicable relationship. I mean, Glee is my shot at getting out of this town.”

Quinn smiled wryly. “You do know that if the situations were reversed, I wouldn’t be nice to you.”

Rachel smiled back, feeling déjà vu because they’d had this conversation before. “I remember,” Rachel said dryly. “Anyway,” Rachel said. “We only need to be civil until we get through Glee. We’re not building a lifelong friendship or anything.”

Somehow, that was a lot more hurtful than if Rachel had lobbed an insult aimed directly at her.

\--  
They finished watching Wedding Crashers and then decide to watch Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. The end credits roll on the latter, and Rachel’s TV screen turned blue.

“Do you want to watch another movie?” Rachel asked softly.

“Are you willing to get up?” Quinn asked.

Rachel was comfortable and not at all inclined to get up, even for a pregnant girl. “Not really,” she admitted. “Are you?”

Quinn laughed softly. “No.” She sighed and sank deeper into Rachel’s bed. “Your bed is so comfortable,” she murmured. “Where did you get it?”

Rachel sighed. “I don’t know. I’ve slept in this bed as long as I can remember.”

They speak sleepily until Rachel’s screen shut off due to inactivity. The room is dark, but there is light coming in through the window, from the moon and streetlights.

“Do you want to take the first shower?” Rachel asked.

“Yeah,” Quinn said, “In a minute.”

Rachel yawned. “Okay,” she said.

“Rachel,” Quinn whispered. “I really mean it. Thank you for letting me stay here tonight.”

Rachel’s hand groped out blindly to touch Quinn’s shoulder. She gave it a tiny squeeze. “You really aren’t alone, Quinn.”

Quinn’s eyes filled with tears and she moved in closer to Rachel, until their bodies touched.

Rachel lets out a low breath and moved back. “What’re you doing?” Her voice isn’t sharp or accusatory, it’s soft and quiet.

“I don’t know,” Quinn whispered. She felt safe and warm. She wasn’t ridden with guilt or anxiety. She wasn’t scared her parents would find out, and she would be alone and on the street. She wasn’t scared about her future or disappointed that she’d lost her shot at getting out of Lima. For that one moment, she wasn’t alone. She can see Rachel’s face, despite the darkness in the room, although she can’t quite see Rachel’s expression. She let out a tiny breath, almost a gasp and then brushed her lips against Rachel’s.

Rachel is startled and her body jerked back. She pulled her head away. “Quinn…”

Quinn felt her heart beat faster and her stomach start to hurt. “Don’t…don’t tell anyone,” she said. “Oh God, please don’t tell anyone I--” She sat up, moving to leave. “Oh God.”

Rachel sat up and reached for Quinn. She cupped Quinn’s face in her hands and brought her head toward Quinn’s. Rachel licked Quinn’s lower lip and their lips met in another kiss. Quinn’s hands clenched into Rachel’s hair as they kissed and one of Rachel’s hands stroked Quinn’s face as Rachel’s tongue licked between Quinn’s upper and lower lip before gently pushing its way into Quinn’s mouth. Rachel is soft and languid and when they finally pulled apart, breathless and panting, Rachel stroked Quinn’s hair. “Don’t tell anyone about that either,” Rachel said. But she didn’t stop stroking Quinn’s hair.

“Why did you do that?” Quinn whispered. Now she was more confused than ever.

“Because you really aren’t alone, Quinn,” Rachel whispered. She is now rubbing small, comforting circles on Quinn’s back. “Why did you kiss me?”

Quinn sighed shakily. “I don’t know,” she answered.

Rachel was quiet for a long time, although she continued to rub Quinn’s back. “I’ll show you where you can sleep tonight, okay?” she whispered.

“In a minute,” Quinn replied quietly.

\--

When she woke up the next day, she was still in Rachel’s bed. Rachel was curled away from her and Quinn swallowed hard at the thought of the previous night. She scrambled to get up and leaves as quickly as possible. She is both disappointed and relieved that Rachel never calls her. She has cheated on her sweet boyfriend. She knew it was never going to last with him, and she is pretty sure he knew it, too. She liked to believe that they would still be together in 80 years, but that is highly unlikely. But even so, she didn’t want to hurt him like this, sleeping with his best friend and kissing the girl he had a crush on.

\--

The Saturday before school starts again, Finn hosted a party at his house. His mom wanted to meet the group of people who’d become so important to him, and everyone else thought that was pretty sweet. Quinn had met Finn’s mother on several occasions, and she’d always had the impression that Mrs. Hudson did not like her. (Years later-- a lot of years later, Finn would admit that, yes, his mother had never liked her. But when Quinn eventually gives birth to her second child, the father of whom really is Finn, she and Mrs. Hudson bury the hatchet.)

Puck, Mike and Matt bring the alcohol, and nearly everyone except for Quinn is off-their-face loaded by midnight. Mrs. Hudson is in her bedroom, not really condoning the teenage drinking, but ready to serve as designated driver.

Quinn walked into the kitchen to get a glass of juice only to find Rachel at the refrigerator drinking a glass of water. Rachel’s back was to her, but Quinn knew right away that Rachel was drunk.

“Are you okay?” Quinn asked.

Rachel turned to look at her, her movements slow. Rachel’s cheeks are pink and her eyes don’t seem quite able to focus on Quinn. Rachel frowned. “Noah gave me a drink,” Rachel said, her eyes squinting at Quinn. “It was pink, and pretty!”

Quinn sighed. Why did she have to be the sober person in the land of drunks. “Fucking Puck,” she muttered. “Did you only have the one drink?”

Rachel gave her a toothy grin. “They were pink and pretty. I had three!” She frowned thoughtfully. “Four?”

“Fucking Puck,” Quinn repeated with a sigh.

Rachel suddenly looked somber. “Noah is a good guy,” she said defensively.

“You don’t know him like I do,” Quinn shot back, thinking of how the one time she gave in, she got pregnant.

“You don’t know him like I do,” Rachel said.

Quinn sighed. “Just drink your water.”

Rachel took a deep breath. “I don’t feel so good,” she admitted. “I think I should go home.”

“How did you get here?” Quinn demanded.

“Tina drove!” Rachel exclaimed.

Quinn thought about seeing Tina just ten minutes before crawl into Artie’s lap and made a mental note to hide Tina’s keys. “You know what?” Quinn said, “I’ll drive you home.”

Rachel grinned at her. “Really?” she asked, drawing out the syllables.

“Yes,” Quinn sighed.

20 minutes later, after they said their goodbyes to the rest of the team and Quinn hid Tina’s keys in Finn’s sock drawer, Quinn and Rachel left.  
\---

Quinn can not believe Rachel is so drunk after only four drinks, and is worried that Puck slipped Rachel something, even if she doesn’t really believe that Puck is capable of something like that. He might take advantage of a drunk girl (that is how she got pregnant after all), but he wouldn’t actively slip someone something.

Quinn drove Rachel home, and when she helped Rachel to her room, she couldn’t help but think of the time she slept over at Rachel’s house, only one week before. Rachel and her dads were completely unaffected, despite the fact Quinn herself felt complete awkward. That bothered Quinn. A lot.

They stumbled into Rachel’s room, Quinn shushing Rachel for being too loud. They fall into Rachel’s bed and Rachel chuckled softly. Her eyes stared up at the ceiling, trying to focus. And then she looked at Quinn.

“Do you want to stay the night?” she asked. “You don’t have to go home, if you don’t want to. We can watch movies…TV…”

“You’re drunk…” Quinn said quietly.

“You don’t have to go home,” Rachel said simply, her voice so sweet. She smiled at Quinn.

Quinn swallowed hard and stared into Rachel’s eyes. Rachel was so drunk, she probably wouldn’t remember this in the morning. And she just so needed to get this off her chest, to someone. “It’s so awful there,” Quinn whispered. “I’m so scared they will find out. What am I going to do when they find out?”

Rachel sat up, although with difficulty. She pulled Quinn toward her, wrapping her arms around Quinn in a tight hug. “You won’t be afraid of them forever,” she murmured into Quinn’s ear. “One day, you’ll be free. You’re going to make it through”

Quinn’s eyes shut, desperately wishing she could believe everything Rachel said. She squeezes Rachel, holding onto the other girl as hard as she could. “That future is taking its sweet time getting here.”

Rachel held her for a while, and everything in the room was very quiet. The only sound was their breathing. Rachel tilted her head back, peered into Quinn’s eyes. Quinn released a shaky breath and felt her heart start to pound in her chest and had the silly urge to cover her chest with her hands as if it would conceal the sound from Rachel. Quinn can not look away and Rachel closed her eyes, leaned in closer to Quinn and kissed her.

Quinn kissed her back, one of her hands curling behind Rachel’s neck, the other hand touching Rachel’s face. She pushed Rachel onto her back, and their bodies met, their lips entangling. Rachel’s mouth opened and Quinn was eager to tastes those lips again. Rachel nipped at Quinn’s lower lip and then smiled into the kiss before she began to suck on it. Quinn pulled her mouth away, her teeth tugging on Rachel’s lower lip as she pulled her head back to let out a tiny breathless gasp. She swallowed hard, and breathed, trying to catch her breath and then brought her lips to Rachel’s again.

When they finally stop, they lie on the bed together, a tangle of limbs. Quinn’s mind starts to race. What are the doing? This was the second time they’d kissed, and Quinn did not have the benefit of blaming the alcohol, like Rachel did, though they’d both been sober for their first kiss. What was going on with this? Was this their pattern now? Kiss, ignore each other and then find some way to be together so they could kiss and the whole thing start all over again?

It’s Rachel who finally speaks. She pets Quinn’s hair almost comfortingly. “It doesn’t have to mean anything.” She runs her thumb over one of Quinn’s eyebrows in a way that Quinn perversely feels is almost maternal. “It was just a kiss. Don’t freak out, Quinn.”

“Are you a mindreader now?” Quinn asked humorlessly. How could something that made her so happy make her so miserable now? She can not do this. She can not be that teenaged pregnant fornicator who then kisses a girl she doesn’t particularly like.

“I’m skeptical about parapsychological phenomenon such as telepathy or mindreading, Quinn.”

Quinn laughed in spite of herself. “God, you really are so weird.”

Rachel did not seem bothered by this assessment. “When I’m wealthier, you’ll just call me eccentric.”

Quinn laughed again. “I guarantee you that I will always call you weird, not eccentric, no matter how much money you have.”

Even years later, Quinn maintained this promise.

“Go take a shower,” Rachel said. “There are extra toothbrushes in my medicine cabinet.” She snuggled into her bed. “And you can borrow some stuff to wear, in the second and third drawers in my bureau.” Rachel sighed. “Wake me up when you’re down and I’ll show you to the guestroom.”

Quinn went into Rachel’s adjoining bedroom and took a deep breath. ‘I am insane,’ she thought. She opened Rachel’s medicine cabinet and was vaguely disappointed to see an absence of anything particularly interesting, like psychotropic medication. There is, however, vitamin C tablets the size of horse pills. Quinn grabbed a packaged toothbrush.

“Pink,” Quinn noted in a low murmur. “Of course.”

\--

Quinn was able to hide her pregnancy from her parents through January and February. But by March, it becomes impossible and she has to tell her parents the truth.

As predicted, her father calls her a fornicator, her mother calls her a slut. Her car is taken away, and she is indefinitely grounded. As punishment, she has to quit Glee, and she feels a vast swelling of grief because she has let her friends down. These were people who stuck by her through all the rumors and insults at school, who surrounded her in a wall of protective rain slickers and umbrellas from Slushie attacks. Granted she’d joined Glee to sabotage it from the inside out, but she really, really loved Glee. It was the only thing that took her mind off everything, even if it was only for a little while. Now they need to find another singer if they want to keep competing.

The only place she can go to without permission is school. With her car taken away, she is forced either to walk or take the bus. At least, that’s probably what her parents intended. Mr. and Mrs. Fabray could not have predicted that the rest of the Glee club would take turns driving Quinn to and from school, every morning. It wasn’t anything Quinn could have predicted either, and she spends those daily rides wanting to cry at the kindness everyone shows her.

It’s Kurt who tells her it’s better that she quit Glee for a while anyway. He sounds confident, although not convinced that her parents will let her rejoin Glee at a later time. (When her parents finally do let her rejoin Glee, Quinn is shocked, but it was mainly due to Rachel’s persistence. In a rare moment of good will, her father will tell Quinn that Rachel will go far in life on sheer tenacity alone)

In any case, back in early 2010, it’s Kurt who makes Quinn feel better about having to quit Glee. He talks about how important it is to have a baby bond with her mother and speaks wistfully of his own mother who died when he was three. But still, when Kylie Kim, a quiet senior takes her place in Glee, Quinn is envious and just wants to be a part of the team again.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Year: 2025

Rachel Berry never thought she would be nostalgic for Lima, Ohio, or that she would occasionally be homesick for her small hometown that made most of her teenaged years to be a series of insults and Slushie-attacks. But Lima was home in a way that New York just wasn’t. She’d lived in Manhattan for almost half her life now, and she felt like she fit in well enough. She didn’t get lost anymore on the subway system, she had her favorite restaurants and shops and she loved her apartment. She had the career she wanted and for all intents and purposes, she’d made it. But in times like this, when she wanted to be in Lima, but couldn’t, she really really missed Lima.

For a while when they were in high school, Rachel resented Quinn. Quinn just reminded her way too much of her biological mom, and that year, there were just…well, there were just issues that came with her biological mom back then. She didn’t necessarily hate Quinn, but she resented Quinn’s teenage hypocrisy, who wore a cross on her neck but treated people so poorly. At first, she was only nice to Quinn because she realized it was in her own best interest to be nice to Quinn and keep the blonde on Glee. Rachel had really needed Glee, because she was desperate to get out of Ohio, and truly believe Glee was her ticket out. But once Quinn got pregnant, Rachel felt like she sort of understood Quinn a little more, because she knew it was difficult sometimes to live up to your own principles. Then, when Rachel got to know Quinn’s parents, Rachel truly understood why Quinn could be so brittle at times, but she also saw how there was so much more to Quinn than head cheerleader and impeached president of the Celibacy Club. But somehow, in the course of a few more years, she ended up feeling closer to Quinn than she had to anyone else in her entire life, and she ended up the godmother to Quinn’s children, which would have been ridiculous to even contemplate when she started her sophomore year of high school.

When she called the house one night to leave a message for Quinn to call her, it was primarily because she knew Quinn had parent-teacher conferences and didn’t want to disturb her friend. Rachel knew how much Quinn hated those parent-teacher conferences, because Quinn desperately wanted to be blunt and truthful, but instead she had to be tactful about someone else’s truly horrifying bundle of joy.

“You’re just spoiled because your kids are so great,” Rachel told her once.

“Barely literate and future serial killer are statements of fact, Rachel!”

Janie had sounded pleased to hear her voice, and Rachel had to admit that Janie made her want to have a daughter, just like Todd and Logan made her want to have a couple of sons. Rachel loved those kids with all her heart, and she wished she could see them more than she did.

“Is that aunt Rachel?” she could hear Todd yell. “I want to talk to say hi! Let me say hi!”

Jane sighed a long, deep-suffering, mournful sigh and Rachel bit back a laugh. “Todd wants to say ‘hi,’” Jane deadpanned.

A few seconds later, Todd got on the phone. “Hey,” Todd said. “How are you?”

Rachel chuckled. “I’m good, Todd. How are you?”

“Good,” he said. “Logan wants to say ‘hi,’ too.”

Seconds after that, Logan was on the phone. “Hi!”

Rachel laughed. “Hi, Logan! How are you?”

“Good,” Logan said.

“All right, give me back the phone,” Jane said. Jane grabbed back the phone and there were protests from one very indignant eight year old and one very indignant six year old. “Aunt Rachel, are you still there?”

“Of course I am,” Rachel said with a grin. “How are you, Janie?

“I’m good,” Jane said. “How are you?”

“Great,” Rachel said.

“Mom says we might be able to come see you next month when your show opens!”

“That’s great,” Rachel enthused. “It’ll be so great to see you guys. It’s been way too long.” She paused, thinking about all the phone calls in the last few months where Quinn was so worried about Jane and seemed so hurt by Jane’s mysterious change in behavior. It didn’t seem like drugs, it just seemed like this anger that was directed at Quinn.

They talked for a few more minutes, and then Jane confessed that a few months ago, her grandmother had called her a mistake, along with a few other choice insults. Rachel was furious and felt the urge to get on a plane and land it on top of Mrs. Fabray’s house. She thought Quinn would call her back that night, but Quinn never did, so she was relieved when Quinn called her the next day so Rachel could tell her.

Quinn sounded upset and angry, and hung up the phone abruptly. Rachel knew it wasn’t directed at her or anything, so she waited for Quinn to call her back. Sometimes she found her relationship with Quinn to be a little unsettling, because there were times when their relationship seemed fraught with the tension and rivalry of high school, but then there were other times when their relationship was so good, when Rachel felt like there was no one in the world she trusted more than Quinn.

Rachel’s jaw clenched as she held the phone in her hand. She squeezed her phone hard, as though the action will alleviate the rage she is feeling. She took a deep breath, scanned through her phone’s contacts and called Mrs. Fabray.

Rachel could admit her relationship with Quinn’s mother was a weird one. On principle, Quinn’s mother just didn’t like her. Rachel was a Jew who was raised by gay dads, and although Quinn’s mother didn’t follow the musical theatre circle, Rachel was pretty sure that Mrs. Fabray saw that picture of her kissing her costar, Heather Katkowski, last year. It was just a kiss, and merely a friendly one at that, but Amanda Fabray called her shortly after the Enquirer ran a picture of it on its website and made mysterious references to Hell. The only reason it ran in the Enquirer was because Heather was a movie actress who was trying her first foray on Broadway. While she was in high school with Quinn, she’d built a relationship with Amanda Fabray, although not one that Rachel continued on with by choice.

Amanda Fabray picked up the phone after a couple of rings.

“Hello, Rachel.”

Mrs. Fabray always sounded so composed and sedate. It really bothered Rachel that Mrs. Fabray always sounded like she was just coming from the spa or something. Rachel supposed that was what made Mrs. Fabray such an effective attorney.

“I had an interesting conversation with Jane tonight,” Rachel said, her tone frosty.

“I find it very difficult to believe anything a 16 year old says would be particularly interesting,” Mrs. Fabray said. She laughed, as though it were all a joke.

Rachel felt her blood pressure rise. Mrs. Fabray was just so damned sardonic. “Amanda,” she said sharply.

“Rachel?” Mrs. Fabray said calmly.

“Jane told me what you said to her,” Rachel said, her voice low. “That she was a mistake.”

“I believe I used the word ‘accident.’”

Rachel clenched her jaw to prevent herself from screaming. “I don’t care which word you used,” she said. “But you made her feel like a mistake. What you said to Janie was awful, Amanda. How could you say that to her?”

“Are you telling me that it was a good thing Quinn got pregnant when she was 16 years old?” Mrs. Fabray demanded. “Quinn could have gone to any college in the country, she could be doing anything she wanted to do, instead she’s teaching at the school she barely graduated from.”

Rachel chortled bitterly. “Quinn graduated in the top ten in our class,” she pointed out. “And she didn’t ruin her life. Quinn is a great teacher. Did you even know that every one of her AP Math students passed the AP exam for the past four years? And how could you say that to Jane? She’s just a kid, and she came to the house only to help you guys around the house. She was trying to be nice to you.”

“I didn’t ask my granddaughter to clean the house like she’s some sort of maid, Rachel.”

Rachel snorted in disgust. “Amanda, you’re going to call Jane and apologize and tell her that you didn’t mean any of it.”

“Why would I do that?”

Rachel was exasperated. “Because even if you do mean it, you don’t let Jane think she ruined Quinn’s life! And you don’t make it sound like Quinn’s life turned out so bad, okay? So, what, you supported her financially? You’re supposed to, you’re her mother! And it’s great that you paid for college, but Quinn got a job, bought her first house and is raising three really great kids without any help from you! There is nothing wrong with Quinn’s life, there is nothing wrong with those kids, and I swear to God, Amanda, if you ever pull something like this again, you’re going to regret it.”

“Are you threatening me?” Mrs. Fabray hissed. “I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. If Quinn hadn’t gotten pregnant, her life would be so different, so much better. Instead, she’s working in a job that is far beneath her talents. This wasn’t the life I wanted for her!”

“Let it go!” Rachel exploded. “She was 16!”

“If you consider my daughter to be capable, perhaps you should allow her to fight her own battles for once, Rachel.”

“Quinn deserves a better mother than you,” Rachel said softly. “She always had. You could have a really good relationship with her, and with the kids, but you just choose not to. I don’t know what you and Timothy are going to do when you guys get older, who you think is going to take care of you. You’re going to need Quinn and the kids one day, and if you keep acting this way, Quinn will get tired of it.”

“I suppose my husband and I will cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Rachel felt despondent, and she was drained of her rage. Now she was just sad. Why did she even bother?

“If you ever do something like this again, you’re going to live to regret it.”

“Rachel, I really hope you are not threatening me or we will have to pursue this in litigation.”

“Yes?” Rachel asked. “Well, my lawyer is better than yours!” Immediately, Rachel felt like an immature jerk, like a child. Exasperated, she hung up.  
\--

When Quinn called her back that evening, she was eating a quick dinner before rehearsal started up again. Rachel was midchew of a mouthful of a plain salad, but she picked up the phone nonetheless. Rachel didn’t even have to say ‘hello,’ Quinn just seemed to know that she picked up and Quinn launched into her rant right away. Rachel just let Quinn rant about her mother before Quinn is reduced to tears at the thought of Jane feeling like a burden for all those months. From the sound of Quinn’s voice, Quinn sounded ready to explode.

Rachel soothed her the best she could, but she knew Quinn wasn’t all that comforted.

“I can’t believe what a bitch my mom is,” Quinn sobbed. “And now she won’t even pick up the phone so I can confront her! How could she say that to Janie? She’s her granddaughter!”

Rachel knew she probably had a hand in Quinn’s mother not picking up the phone, but she didn’t think Amanda Fabray was all that fazed by what she said. You had to have a soul to be bothered by someone telling you off, didn’t you?

“Quinn, we both know how your mom is,” Rachel said. “And the kids know how your parents are, too.”

Quinn sighed. “I just thought they’d come around or something,” she said. “Jane’s sixteen now, and they still treat us like…like… we’re untouchable or something.”

“You don’t need them anymore,” Rachel said. “You made it, you’re fine. You don’t need them anymore.”

Quinn snorted in derision. “Rach, just because you don’t have a mother doesn’t mean I don’t want mine.”

It wasn’t the meanest thing Quinn could have said to her, but it was still pretty mean, especially considering how Quinn was the only person Rachel had ever told about what happened between her and her mother. And also, Rachel was still upset and angry about her conversation with Quinn’s mother. But Rachel recognized this was just Quinn being hurt and reverting to old patterns and she chose to ignore it. And anyway, maybe she never should have said it in the first place. She still wasn’t all that familiar with how it worked with a mother, and she could admit that she did have some mommy issues of her own. Her own mother was gone now, and there were still times when Rachel felt badly about that, but she was at peace with it for the most part.

“Did you talk to Janie yet?” Rachel asked, changing the subject as if nothing had happened.

“Rachel,” Quinn said softly. “I’m sorry. I--“

“Uh-huh,” Rachel said. “So how are things with you and Janie?”

“Rach, just…will you just let me apologize?”

“You already did,” Rachel pointed out. “Unless you weren’t being sincere about it, in which case, this would be an appropriate time to make a sincere apology.”

“Rachel! Of course I was being sincere. I’m trying to--“

“It doesn’t matter,” Rachel said. “I know you’re sorry. It’s okay. How’s Janie?”

Quinn paused. “We’re okay,” she said. “I think. I guess I’ll have to see.”

“Good,” Rachel said. “I need to go though. I have to get back to rehearsal.”

“Rach,” Quinn said, trying to cut in before Rachel could say good-bye. “Are we okay? I didn’t mean what I said, I was just upset and--“

“I know,” Rachel said. “But I need to go. Let’s talk later.”

Rachel hung up before Quinn could say goodbye.

\--

After rehearsal, Rachel walked with Benjamin Lee, her co-star, to the subway station, where he waited with her. Benjamin was handsome and sweet and riding his high from his well-received starring role as Song in the David Henry Hwang play, M. Butterfly. Rachel knew he had little crush on her, and she had to admit she had the tiniest crush back on him.

But he wasn’t Quinn.

It was sort of ridiculous when she thought about it, because Quinn was back in Lima, and there were still times when Rachel wasn’t sure if Quinn even liked her. Quinn had the ability to hurt her feelings so deeply that Rachel felt like she was that 16 year old girl back at McKinley High School. She didn’t think Quinn did it in purpose or anything, and Rachel knew she had a hand in it, because when Quinn insulted her or hurt her, she had the tendency to meet it with sarcasm. But one of the problems with relationships with friends from high school was that sometimes, the relationship got stuck in high school mentality.

Benjamin, on the other hand, was even-tempered and mellow. He was sweet to her, even when she was overly demanding and way over-the-top. He was the kind of guy, in fact, who missed his train so he could wait with her to make sure she safely got on her train back home.

It really should be no contest, she should just start dating Benjamin and end…whatever it was she had with Quinn. It really couldn’t be called a relationship, at least, not in the romantic sense of the word. They were close friends who talked regularly, but whenever Quinn and the kids made their yearly visit to Manhattan and Rachel made her Father’s Day and Hanukkah trips back to Lima each year…well, things sort of just….happened. They saw each other more than that, of course, since Rachel tried to get home to Lima as often as her schedule would allow, especially after Daddy Alex got his Parkinson’s diagnosis three years ago. They would meet, and the excitement of seeing one another would take over, and soon lips met, buttons were unbuttoned, zippers were lowered and Quinn would be whispering her name in her ear. It happened each and every time they saw each other again, but they never talk about it, and there was no assumption of monogamy, no assumption that they were girlfriends.

Rachel felt like an idiot, because she held onto those little moments, rather than being with someone who actually wanted to be with her. She dated, of course-- had a couple of relationships and one failed engagement over the past 16 years since her first kiss with Quinn. She wasn’t a total idiot. But still, somehow, she always found something wrong with someone. She’d always wanted someone to love her, and only her, wanted someone who just couldn’t get enough of her, and she’d occasionally found that. But she always rejected it. What was wrong with her?

“Rach,” Benjamin said. “Do you want to get some breakfast before rehearsal tomorrow?”

Rachel smiled at him. “I have some errands to run, maybe another time?”

Benjamin smiled back. “Sure, that will be great.”

Rachel’s train slid into the station and Rachel and Benjamin each stood up.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Ben,” Rachel said, standing on her tip-toes to kiss Benjamin on the cheek. He was considerably taller than she and she had to rest her hands on his chest to retain her balance. He was well-built and muscled-- exactly the kind of man to whom Rachel tended to find herself attracted. Also, she already knew he was confident enough to perform in front of thousands, which she also liked.

“See you tomorrow, Rach,” he said.

She smiled at him and then jogged to get on her train.

Her phone buzzed to announce a text message as she got into her apartment.

”R, don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m sorry. Love you.”

Rachel sighed. Maybe Quinn would always have a way with her. Quinn had a hold on her for a long time, ever since high school and because it had gone on for so long, she wasn’t sure it would ever change. Despite what they had, Quinn was always asking if Rachel was dating anyone, which led Rachel to believe that while Quinn might genuinely love her, and be attracted to her, Quinn definitely did not want to be with her. Rachel always said her schedule was too hectic to include a relationship, but people who were busier than she was did it all the time.

\--

Year: 2009

Rachel had been initially annoyed to find Quinn Fabray looking through her drawers during a party she was hosting for the Glee kids after their win at Sectionals. But Quinn was pregnant, and Rachel was still surprised by Quinn’s surprisingly thoughtful Secret Santa present. The movies Quinn had given her were movies she actually loved, and she and Quinn had been more or less cordial to one another for a while. Rachel saw no reason to rock the boat, so she chose not to chastise Quinn for looking through her things.

Quinn knew one of her secrets after that night. Quinn had found the stash of Bibles Rachel kept in her drawer. They’d all been gifts from her biological mother, and Rachel felt guilty about throwing them away, despite the fact she really wanted to.

Her mother had been more or less indifferent to her for the first eight years of her life. Her fathers looked for surrogates before she was born, but when their friend, Amy, offered to be the egg donor and surrogate, they jumped at the opportunity. Amy’s medical history had been flawless, she was beautiful and high intelligent. She was perfect.

For the first eight years, Amy treated the arrangement like it was a business deal. Amy never displayed even the most remote maternal interest in her. But then Amy changed-- it was slowly at first, and then, all at once. Amy was no longer the free-spirited college friend of her fathers, she became a born-again Christian, but the hypocritical kind. Suddenly, Amy made more of an effort to see her, and each time, she talked about how homosexuality was wrong, blah blah blah. Her fathers were indulgent at first, believing that Amy was just being over-zealous because she was new to a faith and was trying to embrace all of its teachings as rigidly as she could. But after two years, when Amy did not let up, Rachel’s dads banned her from coming to the house.

By then, Rachel had become attached to the idea of having a mother again and she took to meeting her mother in secret. When she was eleven, one of fathers would drop her off at a dance class, and Rachel would leave to walk around the corner to get picked up by her mother. When she was fourteen, Amy moved to Philadelphia, so by the time she was sixteen, Rachel only saw her about three times a year, but each time Rachel saw her, it was anxiety-provoking.

When Rachel was sixteen, she called her mother and asked her to stop coming around. She’d felt guilty for even wanting a relationship with someone who told her that her dads were going to Hell. She felt torn, because she’d always wanted a mother, but Amy was just so unpleasant. And Amy had never shown any interest in her for the first eight years. In truth, Amy never particularly appeared interested in getting to know Rachel, or anything Rachel was interested in.

A couple weeks after she made the phone call, her mother found her in the parking lot at school, after Glee practice. It was a cold day, and already getting dark outside. Her mother pleaded with understanding and Rachel refused to listen, feeling guiltier with every moment because she felt like she was betraying her dads. Her fathers had made her the center of their lives for her entire life, had encouraged every dream, indulged most of her whims. How could she do this to them? Amy handed her a Bible before she drove away and Rachel felt the urge to throw it. But she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Rachel didn’t know if it was the Bible, or if it was because it was one of the few things her mother had given her.

She found Quinn the night of the Glee celebratory party sitting on the floor in front of an open dresser drawer. It was her drawer with the Bibles her mother had given her over the years. Rachel was upset at first, at the invasion, but she tried to be as blasé as possible.

“Jews believe the first five books of the Old Testament, you know,” Rachel said as she stood in her doorway.

She can tell Quinn is startled when she turns around. “What are you, secretly converting to Christianity?”

It’s a sensitive topic, but Rachel wasn’t about to give herself away. “My mother converted to Christianity,” Rachel explained. “So now every time she sees me, she gives me a copy of the Bible.” Rachel paused. “The same exact one, every time.” Rachel shrugged self-deprecatingly. “I just can’t bring myself to throw them out, I mean, it’s the Bible./”

“Why does your mom give you a copy of the Bible?” Quinn asked, with a frown. “That seems…” Quinn trailed off.

Rachel felt defensive at the tone. “Have you met my dads?”Rachel asked, because the subject truly was a little too sensitive for her. Her dads were just the best, and granted she had her normal share of parental problems like not being allowed to do something or being forced to do some chore or whatever, but she could not have created two parents who were more supportive. Her parents were the kind who would mortgage the house to help her achieve her dreams. The fact that her mother was so cruel to them hurt her on two levels, one, that her fathers were so hurt since Amy had once been such a good friend to them, and two, that it was in her genetic makeup to be capable of such hurtful cruelty.

“So, what, now she thinks being gay is wrong or something?”

Rachel glared. “If you’re asking if she’s sorry that I was born, no, Quinn, she is not. She’s pro-life” She wanted to tell Quinn that there was nothing wrong with being gay, but Quinn with her Celibacy Club (fat lot of good that did!) and the cross she wore around her neck told Rachel that the argument would probably be lost on her.

There were times when Rachel was certain her mother regretted that she was born. There were times when Rachel was sure that Amy regretted donating her eggs, regretted being the surrogate, regretted it all. It was one thing to have Quinn and one of her Celibacy Club denizens insult her, but it was a whole other thing to have the person who carried you for nine months to regret ever doing it. If Amy could do it all over again, Rachel was fairly certain Amy wouldn’t, and it made her feel terrible.

“I thought you were born in a test tube or something.” Quinn said. “With a surrogate mother or whatever.”

“I was born in the hospital,” Rachel said evenly. “They looked at surrogates, but they had this friend who volunteered.”

“And now she converted.”

“Yes.”

Quinn didn’t say anything after that, which suited Rachel well enough. But then she was filled with a sudden anxiety. Quinn had a secret, and Rachel was committed to keeping it, but that didn’t mean Quinn was above telling one of hers.

“You can’t tell my dads,” Rachel said. “They know she’s all crazy and born again, but they don’t know about the Bibles, and they don’t know she comes to see me sometimes. And if they did, they wouldn’t let me see her ever again, and she’s my mother or whatever.”

Quinn rose to her feet. “Don’t think I care enough to expose your little secret.”

Rachel was too relieved to care that Quinn just insulted her, and Quinn left the room after that. Once Quinn left, Rachel opened the drawer and stared down at the Bibles that crowded it. She wished she could just get rid of them, maybe donate them to the library or a church. Throw them away or burn them. But some part of her just couldn’t stand to get rid of them

By the end of December, Rachel’s fathers found out about everything anyway when Amy came over for a “talk.” Rachel was at a movie with Quinn, because no one else in Glee would go with them, and the only reason they watched it together was because they had no one else to go with. Still, they do not fight at all and neither of them understand the movie, so Rachel couldn’t count it as a total loss. That is, until, she got home.

When Quinn dropped her off, Rachel saw Amy’s car in front of her house and she was hesitant to go inside. But she knew she had to face the music.

When her mother suggested to her fathers that Rachel come live with her, to give her a normal, stable home, they are incredulous, but amused because it is pointless to get angry with a crazy person. But when her mother brings up that Rachel clearly wants a relationship with her as evidenced by their clandestine meetings, her fathers are shocked and no longer so amused. Amy is summarily dismissed from their home, with threats of restraining orders and reminders that she’d long ago relinquished any parental rights to Rachel. Her fathers were hurt and Rachel felt guilty beyond her ability to articulate.

For the first time in her life, things at home were tense, and Rachel would rather be out of the home than in it. Her fathers were more hurt than angry and the fact they would question their parenting made her hate herself a little. They were angry, too, they yelled at her about seeing her mother when they told her that Amy wasn’t really her mother, she was just a surrogate who carried her for nine months. But more than anything else, they were hurt and Rachel cursed that weakness in herself that made her still want a relationship with her mother.

“We didn’t know you wanted a mother so badly,” her daddy Alex said to her very quietly before she went to bed that night. “We’re sorry.”

And the weird thing is, she didn’t even know why she wanted a relationship with her mother so badly. She always wanted a mother when she was really little, back when she was still in primary school and teachers made their classes make Mother’s Day Gifts. Rachel still did her best to make her gift look as nice as possible, because she felt she should always do her best, but she also knew it was pointless, because she had no mother to whom she could give a gift.

And then when she got her first period, she convinced herself that if she had a mother, she wouldn’t be so embarrassed to buy feminine hygiene products. But eventually, she realized that every woman of a certain age had to do it, and it wasn’t so bad anymore.

Other than those times when having a mother really would have been helpful, Rachel can not think of a time when she wasn’t happy just having her dads. She can not think of a time when they weren’t enough, when she had a problem big enough that they couldn’t fix.

So why did she want a relationship with such an awful woman so badly? Rachel had no idea. But even after her fathers sent Amy away, and Amy stormed out with promises to pursue legal action (Amy never does this), Rachel can not help but send her mother an email apologizing for the way things turned out and wishing Amy a Happy New Year.

\--  
Year 2010

As an adult, Rachel would reflect on how Quinn had a way of confusing her and stirring up all kinds of conflicting feelings. By the time she is 32 years old, Rachel has been stuck on Quinn for nearly half her life. But it all started out with just a kiss, and back then, Rachel didn’t think about what it meant, if she was gay or bisexual or anything like that.

After a while, all Rachel knew was that she was kind of gone on that girl. She didn’t have anyone she could talk to about that sort of thing. She liked all the other Glee kids well enough, but she wasn’t going to tell Mercedes or Tina about what happened with Quinn. Definitely not Santana. Kurt would freak out, despite being totally supportive and then totally gloat about it. (One day, when they’re older, Kurt would tell her that he suspected something anyway.) Maybe Brittany, except that Rachel didn’t know Brittany well enough to confide in her, it just seemed like Brittany would be completely unfazed by such a revelation-- the girl is mellow. (Years later, when Rachel happens to be in LA, it is Brittany’s 30th birthday and Brittany confesses she had a tiny crush on Rachel in high school, but that she’d assumed Quinn would cut her if she tried anything. Rachel has to laugh and then tells Brittany she wishes Brittany would have said something back then so that Rachel had someone to confide in.) And the boys other than Kurt? Forget it.

The first time they kissed, it was Quinn who made the first move. Quinn seemed so panicked about it, worried about who Rachel would tell, that Rachel kissed her again, primarily so Quinn would shut up. After that happens, Quinn didn’t seem worried anymore. Quinn’s gone when Rachel wake up. They don’t talk about it. Quinn didn’t call her or try to talk about it, and Rachel followed her example.

But when they managed to be together the next week after the party at Quinn’s, Rachel’s inhibitions are lowered by the pretty pink drinks that Noah gave her. She’s drinking to forget she’s sorry for hurting her fathers and because she’s not above peer pressure, as much as she liked to believe she was. She’s drunk, but not in a way that she would forget everything the next day. Quinn is there, and the room is so quiet, Rachel didn’t think it would be so bad to give into impulse for once. She didn’t do it much-- act on impulse. Everything in her life is all about trying to succeed so she plans everything out and even has contingency plans in place. But she kisses Quinn and Quinn kisses her back.

Rachel told her not to freak out, and Quinn didn’t. Instead, Quinn just gets up to take a shower and to brush her teeth. When she comes back, it’s Rachel’s turn and she gets up to shower and brush her teeth. She comes back to her bedroom to find that Quinn is waiting for her in bed. She’s watching Chicago and they watch movies and talk until the sun comes up.

The sun is up when they go to sleep and when they wake up, Rachel buys Quinn breakfast.

“What are we doing?” Quinn asked as they waited for their meals to come.

Rachel raised an eyebrow. “Waiting for breakfast,” she said slowly.

Quinn rolled her eyes. “You’re so literal,” she complained. “I mean…” Quinn’s voice lowered and she leaned toward Rachel over the table. “What are we doing? You know, last night and…last week.”

“Oh,” Rachel said. Rachel thought about this. She really had no idea what they were doing. They just kissed, but Rachel didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. As far as Rachel was concerned, Quinn was Finn’s girlfriend, and a kind-of rival for Finn’s affections, even if she really didn’t look at Quinn as a rival anymore.

Annoyed at the quiet, Quinn gently kicked Rachel’s shin to get the brunette’s attention. “Well?” she demanded.

Rachel gave Quinn a dirty look and rubbed her shin. “Give me a minute to think, Quinn,” she said in annoyance.

“You need to think about it?!” Quinn exclaimed.

“Well, yes,” Rachel said. “I don’t make it a habit to kiss everyone I know.” She briefly thought about that kiss she shared with Finn in the auditorium. And then of course, the time she made out with Noah. “Usually,” she amended.

“Are you making excuses about why you kissed me?” Quinn hissed. “Because I have you know that even though I am as big as a house, I am very kissable. People still want to kiss me. And--“

“Quinn,” Rachel interrupted. “I wanted to kiss you. But that’s not what you asked, you asked me what we were doing about it, and I need a moment to think, because I don’t know. This isn’t something I planned for, you know.”

Rachel wondered how unwise it was to kiss a pregnant girl, considering the notorious reputations for emotionality that pregnant women had.

“Oh,” Quinn said. “Well, I guess I wanted to kiss you, too,” she said almost grudgingly.

Rachel raised an eyebrow. “Do you have complaints?” she demanded. “Because people I kiss do not have any complaints.”

Quinn scowled. “Why are you making this about you?”

“Well, why are you making it about you?”

Quinn opened her mouth up to protest, but then realized she honestly did not know why she was making it about her, when it involved both of them.

“What are we doing?” Quinn asked irritably. “I mean, what are you expecting? Are you expecting me to dump Finn and start dating you or something? Holding hands in the hallways at school? Going to prom together? What?”

“No,” Rachel said matter-of-factly. “I’m not expecting anything. This doesn’t have to go any further.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”  
\--

When school started the next day, Rachel just happened to run into Quinn while walking to her first class. Quinn stared down at Rachel’s skirt.

“Aren’t you cold?”

“I have a very high body temperature.”

Quinn looked dubious. “Hot enough to be impervious to cold?”

Rachel grinned. “I like the word ‘impervious,’” she commented. She grabbed Quinn’s hand and touched it to her own inner elbow. “See?” Rachel said smugly. “Very high body temperature.”

Quinn nodded. “You do,” she said, she lightly trailed her fingers down Rachel’s inner forearm to her wrist, and then realized what she was doing. She pulled her hand away. “Okay, well, see you.”

“See you,” Rachel echoed.

Rachel didn’t see Quinn until Glee practice after school. Quinn was already there when Rachel walked into the room. Rachel glanced down at the floor to avoid making eye contact with the cheerleader as she walked to a seat between Tina and Mercedes.

Everyone seemed pumped-- they are all proud of their win at Sectionals and they’re eager now for the next round of competition. They’d all seen each other during Winter Break, in various smaller configurations--and at the parties hosted by Rachel’s dads and Finn’s mother. But now they are all back together again, and it feels good. They were all talking amongst each other and Rachel just sat back and enjoyed the hum of the chaos.

Mr. Schuester walked into the room, and the kids greet him happily. Mr. Schuester is happy to see them as well and they catch up for a couple minutes before jumping right into practice. They all want to stay as sharp as possible for State competition.

Just for fun, they divided into boys versus girls, each group picking a song to perform. The boys went first, and when they get up, they burst into “Isn’t She Lovely,” with Finn taking the lead. Each of the boys chose one of the girls to sing to, and of course, Noah chose Rachel. Noah reached for Rachel’s hand, and giggling and blushing Rachel extended it to him. She liked Noah, he’s a good guy beneath that gruff and abrasive exterior and they’re friendly with one another without really being friends. It suited Rachel just fine.

Rachel can not quite squelch the envy when she catches Finn reaching his hand toward Quinn and touching her cheek. “I can’t believe what God has done, through us he’s given life to one. But isn’t she lovely, made from love.”

In that moment, Rachel had no doubt that Finn had chosen the song, in a gesture that belied his dumb jock reputation but definitely highlighted what a good guy he truly was. Quinn’s eyes became watery, but she gave him a smile. Rachel forced herself to look away. There was no way a guy like Finn would ever leave his pregnant girlfriend.

Rachel guessed it didn’t matter. She still had feelings for Finn, but they weren’t as strong as they used to be. She’d kissed Noah and found what a nice guy he was, and her feelings for Finn diminished ever so slightly. She kissed Quinn and her feelings for Finn diminished even more. Rachel was sure that her feelings for Finn would eventually fade away. The whole thing was further complicated after her kisses with Quinn because now she found herself thinking about Quinn a lot more than she wanted to, and Rachel really did not want to make a big deal of it.

When it was the girls’ turn to sing, they got together in a giggling gaggle to debate which to do. They’d already decided on a song, but after the boys’ song, Brittany and Mercedes wanted to do a Stevie Wonder song, too. Rachel and Santana, forming a surprising but effective alliance, want to stick to ‘I’m a Broken Heart,’ that Bird and the Bee song. (In later years, whenever Rachel and Santana agree on something, Kurt would refer to it as an “unholy union”, but a Rachel-and-Santana alliance was generally pretty convincing.) It’s Tina, who, in a rare moment of actually talking suggests they do something fun and campy, like ABBA. Brittany grinned at that and immediately suggested ‘Take a Chance on Me,’ which is exactly what they do.

Even though Rachel tried to concentrate on Noah while she sang, she happened to glance over her right shoulder and locked eyes with Quinn as they sang.

“We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we’re together,” they sang together, before averting their eyes.

When they finished the song, Noah was still feeling the good mood and grabbed Rachel’s hand, spinning her around. Noah hugged Rachel to him, her back against his chest. “Do you want to hang out after practice?” he murmured in her ear.

“Sure,” she said softly.

He kissed the top of her head and then let her go.

After Glee practice, Noah waited for her and they walked out of the school together.

“Want to try that new Thai place on Elm?”

“I didn’t know you liked Thai,” Rachel commented.

Noah shrugged. “I never had it. But you like it, right?”

“I do,” Rachel confirmed. “Are you sure? We can get something we both like.”

Noah grinned at her. “I’d like to try it.”

Rachel smiled at him. “Does this mean you want to try to be friends?”

Noah gave her a small, wintry smile. “I like to try new things.”

They ate dinner together. Noah told her what he liked to eat, and she ordered things she thought he’d like. Noah liked everything they order and he stroked her hand, just once, while they share dessert. When she invited him back to her house because her fathers were out seeing a movie together (weekly date night, her fathers swore kept their marriage fresh), she knew what Noah will think, but she didn’t care.

They sleep together that night, and they both made sure that he wore a condom. Afterward, he stroked her hair and she was not sure if she wants him to leave or stay, so she doesn’t say much of anything at all. She heard the garage door open and knew her fathers were home, so she made Noah get dressed. He left, but before he did, he told her he’ll see her tomorrow. Rachel had no idea why she did it, and she was not sure if she’ll regret it, but she felt strangely indifferent to it. She always wished she would lose her virginity to Finn, because that would make it…special or something. But more and more, she’d come to feel that sex wasn’t all that special and there was no reason to try and make it so.

The next day, Rachel did her best to avoid Noah (she is unable to think of him as Puck, particularly because she loved the name Noah), but ran into Quinn, whom she was trying to semi-avoid as well. Rachel only wanted to pick up her copy of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead during Nutrition because she did have English class next, and when she closed her locker, she was face to face with Quinn.

Rachel gasped softly, clutching her hand to her chest. “At least say hello!” Rachel exclaimed.

Quinn had her arms crossed in front of her. “I saw you leave with Puck yesterday after Glee,” she said.

“Yes?”

“I saw you leave with Puck!”

Rachel’s brow furrowed. “Why would you care about that?”

Quinn huffed. “You made out with me,” she whispered. “And now you made out with Puck!”

Rachel grinned at her. “You can’t catch anything now, Quinn, if that’s what you’re worried about. I have a book that can explain it to you.”

In spite of herself, Quinn laughed at that. Then Quinn’s face became somber. “You should be careful with Puck.”

Rachel felt herself become protective of Noah. “Noah is very sweet to me,” she said. She thought about the gentle way he treated her the night before and it was then she realized she did not have any regrets.

Quinn looked unimpressed. “Just…just be careful, all right?”

Rachel nodded slightly. She didn’t know if Quinn was concerned or jealous that Noah was paying attention to her, but it really didn’t matter. “Yeah,” she said softly. “Okay.”

\--

Noah found her during lunch and he is solicitous, but strangely earnest to see her. ‘Strangely,’ because Noah was so rarely earnest about anything.

“Hey,” he said, as he sat down next to her.

He helped himself to one of her baby carrots, and she didn’t bother swatting at him, because she really didn’t mind.

“I’ve been looking for you, Berry,” he said. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay after…” he sort of shrugged then, and just looked at her as if she would know what he was asking.

She did, of course. “Do you always check up on everyone the next day?” she teased.

He grinned, his grin kind of cocky, but he puts his hand on the back of his neck and put his head down a little as though he was embarrassed. “Are you?”

She touched his cheek. “I’m fine,” she told him. “Really.”


	4. Chapter 4

Rachel could not quite define what she was doing with Noah. On the one hand, she liked things to be labeled and clear-cut. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Winner and loser. Star and guest star. On the other hand, she wanted to believe she was a little more liberal than the other students at McKinley High School, and she really did not want to call Noah her boyfriend. There was nothing personal, not really anyway. Noah was nice to her, even when he was a jerk to other people. She just did not want to be his girlfriend. Noah seemed in no rush to put a label on what they had, either, and a part of Rachel wondered if it was because it would make it easier on him to run to Quinn, if the opportunity ever arose. Their relationship was primarily a physical one and Rachel truly did believe that girls wanted to be physical as much as boys, but she didn’t know why she wanted to be with Noah in that way. She liked him, but she didn’t love him.

It was only after about a month of…whatever it was they had, that he told her he was the father of Quinn’s baby. It was right before Valentine’s Day, when he told her, and she was outraged and wanted to slap him, but realized she had no right to do that. He looked and sounded so guilty and contrite, and Rachel didn’t want to judge him for it.

She wanted to tell Finn immediately, but Noah pleaded with her not to say anything and told her that he sort of understood where Quinn was coming from. Quinn believed that Finn would make a better father, and Noah grudgingly agreed with her. Noah clearly wanted to keep it a secret more for Quinn’s benefit than for Finn’s, but Rachel empathized with his situation.

Time would later prove that both Finn and Puck were very capable fathers, but at the time, Rachel just had to respect that Quinn had her reasons for believing what she did

“It’s going to ruin Finn’s life!” Rachel pointed out.

“But now we have a baby’s life to think about,” Noah said. “And she didn’t ask to be my kid.”

Noah looked sad and disappointed and Rachel agreed to keep his secret, but touched his cheek to tell him that she thought he’d make a good dad. He’d just seemed so sad that he wouldn’t get the chance to prove it with this baby, and she wanted to make him feel better. When she told him it wasn’t fair to him either, he shrugged and said it really wasn’t about what was fair to him anymore, and Rachel thought it was a shame that Quinn wasn’t giving Noah a chance to prove himself because Noah may have been an average teenaged boy with jerk tendencies, but he was a decent boy.

Rachel also thought it was a shame Quinn wasn’t giving herself the opportunity to step up and take responsibility, because Rachel had a feeling Quinn was the kind of person who eventually would. Quinn could have just had an abortion, after all. Weren’t there plenty of people who said they were Christian who had abortions? Rachel had read about people who picket abortion clinics one day and become patients the next day, only to go right back to the picket line, because they seemed to think the only moral abortion was their own. Quinn clearly wasn’t one of those people, even if she could be a little hypocritical sometimes, because hello, pregnant president of the Celibacy Club. But still, Rachel knew what it was like to sometimes fall short of your own ideals and principles and she kind of admired Quinn for (mostly) sticking to hers.

Rachel also thought that given the chance to step up to the plate and forgive Quinn. Finn was sweet and definitely wanted to do the right thing. Rachel could see him being justifiably mad, but she couldn’t see him completely turning his back on Quinn, not when Quinn was clearly so terrified. Rachel thought that maybe he wouldn’t take responsibility for the baby, but he would still remain Quinn’s friend. Time, of course, would prove that Finn would feel responsible for Jane and he never turned his back on Quinn or Jane.

But Rachel didn’t think it was her place to say anything anymore. She liked to talk, and she liked to be vocal about her opinions, but she didn’t want to come across as judgmental in a situation that she herself wasn’t sure how she would handle if she were in the same place. So, she kept her mouth shut.

She and Noah went on to have a very nice non-couples Valentine’s Day consisting of dinner, a drive through town and Noah playing her a song he’d written for her. They spent the night together and Rachel knew even as she experienced it, that it was more or less how she was supposed to have spent it.

Quinn never tried to warn her again about Noah, and they didn’t talk much between January and mid-February outside of Glee, other than polite hellos in the hallways at school. Rachel knew she was ragingly self-absorbed, and she was okay with that. But she liked to pride herself on being as well-mannered as possible, so she tried to be as nice to Quinn as she could. Quinn had enough on her mind without Rachel adding to the problem. She didn’t mind that she and Quinn don’t talk, because Rachel did feel a little awkward about kissing Quinn.

She thought about what it would do to her relationship with Finn, if the truth ever came out, and Rachel decided that if the truth ever did come out, it was a truth that is Quinn and Noah’s to tell. And more importantly, if the truth ever did come out, Quinn and Noah would need someone on their side. It was honestly the only way Rachel could live with keeping the secret, because she saw what it was doing to Finn, and how much he worried about disappointing his mother. She saw how terrified Finn was of the responsibility and of being a good man. She wanted to tell him desperately, but she thought about how much it would hurt Noah and Quinn, how much it would affect the life on that baby, and she made her choice. Even years later, when everything is more or less forgiven and no one harbored any ill will, Rachel wondered if she made the right choice.

Even as a teenager, Rachel knew she was lucky because no matter how much she fucked up, her fathers always seemed to be on her side. Even when she hurt their feelings, they were always there for her, and Rachel knew that everyone needed someone who was on their side, even when they were wrong. There were many times when she knew she was wrong, and her fathers supported her anyway.

\--

The day after Valentine’s Day 2010 was a Monday and Noah wanted to get together to play some songs, but Rachel knew it’d been a while since she posted any videos to her MySpace, and she honestly wanted to do that instead. She didn’t put it to him as bluntly as that, so he was sweet and understanding and asked her to meet him before school the next day. He made one more attempt to get together by offering to buy her a grape Slushie, but she laughingly declined.

Rachel walked to her car and spotted Quinn standing next to her own car, looking frustrated and upset. Quinn’s car was parked next to Rachel’s in the student parking lot, and so Rachel had no choice but to get closer. As she got closer, she saw that Quinn was in tears, so Rachel felt compelled to ask.

“Quinn? What’s wrong?”

Quinn looked upset. “My car won’t start,” she said. She wiped at her face angrily. “And I know it’s stupid to cry about this, okay? But these stupid pregnancy hormones are making me cry at those commercials about one in eight people in America being hungry, so I’m crying over everything. And now my stupid phone died because I forgot to charge it last night, so I can’t even call the autoclub.”

Rachel smiled at her. “Pop your hood. I’ll give your car a jump start”

Quinn stared at her uncertainly. “You know how to do that?”

“It’s not that hard.”

“You’re not going to, like, fry my car or electrocute yourself, are you? I told you, my cell phone died, so I won’t be able to call for help if you need an ambulance.”

“Quinn, it’s really not that hard. I read how to do it on the internet last year when my car battery died.”

“Don’t touch my car!”

“Quinn,” Rachel sighed. “Please just pop your hood. It’s very cold outside and while you are wearing long pants and several layers including a parka, I’m wearing a skirt and a turtleneck, so I’m cold.”

“If you wreck my car, you’re paying for it.”

“I’ll compensate you,” Rachel said very solemnly, to match Quinn’s tone. But she bit back amused laughter.

“Fine. And I thought you had some really high body temperature and don’t get cold.”

Rachel shrugged. “I’m not a reptile.”

Quinn popped her hood, Rachel popped open her trunk to take out the jumper cables her fathers made sure she always had with her. She popped her hood, attached the positive and negative cables appropriately and started her car.

“Okay, Quinn,” Rachel called. “Start your car.”

Rachel saw Quinn sit in her car, take a deep breath and start her car with a wince.

Quinn did a little cheer when her car started and got out. “I can’t believe you did it.”

“I told you,” Rachel said with a smile. “It’s not that hard.”

Quinn smiled back. “Seriously,” she said. “Thank you.”

They let the cars run for a bit and then Rachel took the cables off, while the cars were still running. Quinn shrieked in horror and Rachel turned to look at her in puzzlement.

“What?”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Quinn asked. “Wouldn’t you electrocute yourself?”

“Well, am I electrocuted?” Rachel pointed out reasonably.

“No, but isn’t it dangerous?”

Rachel looked dismissive. “It’s fine.”

“Come on,” Quinn said. “I’ll buy you dinner to thank you.”

Rachel paused, considering the offer. She felt awkward around Quinn ever since Noah told her the true paternity of Quinn’s baby. It felt weird that she knew something about Quinn she really shouldn’t, and although she was glad that Noah was able to tell her something so personal about him, it felt weird that Quinn didn’t know that she knew. Rachel had the urge to tell her, but she didn’t know how to approach it without coming off like she was blackmailing. But Quinn looked eager to pay her back for something so small like a jumpstart and so Rachel shrugged and said ‘yes.’

\--

Quinn had a non-specific craving in that she knew she wanted to eat something, but she wasn’t sure what it was. They stood in the cold for ten minutes debating on where to eat, because Quinn did not want to eat Mexican, Thai, Chinese or Italian food. She did not want burgers, pizza, fried chicken or hot dogs. Finally, Rachel suggested they go to Manny’s, the only Peruvian restaurant within ten miles. Rachel herself had often had non-specific cravings, and she always seemed to find something at Manny’s. That seemed to pique Quinn’s interest and in fifteen minutes, they were each eating a plate of lomo saltado and splitting the yucca frites. Quinn liked the place instantly from the complimentary bread, and Rachel was pleased.

“This is so good,” Quinn said. “I can’t believe I never came here. How did you find this place?”

“My dads and I eat here a lot,” Rachel said.

They ate in silence for a while, content to just eat.

It was Quinn who spoke first.

“You’ve been kind of scarce lately,” Quinn said. “Uhm, are you…you know, freaking out because we…” Quinn glanced around to make sure that no one was eavesdropping. She leaned in closer. “kissed,” she whispered. “I know you said you were okay with it, but maybe you’re not?”

“I’m okay with it.”

“Is it what I said about Puck?”

“No.” Rachel was honest about this, because it really had nothing to do with him at all. Still, she felt that what she and Noah have was just theirs alone, and she didn’t want to talk about it, primarily because she had no idea what she was doing.

Quinn sighed. “Well, then what is it?” she demanded. “Because people who kiss me, especially when it’s more than once, generally don’t ignore me!”

Rachel laughed, and she saw Quinn’s eyes widen in outrage.

Rachel put her hands up. “I’m not laughing at you,” she said. “Not really anyway,” she amended when she saw the look of protest on Quinn’s face. She thought it was hilarious that it is Quinn’s ego that is offended. She lowered her voice and leaned in closer to Quinn. “I don’t feel weird about it,” she assured. “And I haven’t been ignoring you, Quinn, because we never talked that much to begin with. Sometimes a kiss really is just a kiss.” She smiled at Quinn. “And you’re a good kisser.”

Quinn’s cheeks turned pink. “Well, so are you,” she admitted almost grudgingly. “And I guess a kiss can just be a kiss sometimes.”

“Exactly,” Rachel said. “Sometimes, a kiss is just a kiss.”

Rachel would later look back on this exact second as the very moment she jinxed herself.

\--

By March, it was impossible for Quinn to hide her pregnancy from her parents anymore with bulky clothing. In February, Quinn was five months pregnant and left her house as early as possible and cane back home as late as possible to avoid being seen by her parents. But by March, there was just no denying it or hiding it.

Rachel spotted Quinn walking to school one morning in early March and pulled over immediately.

“Quinn!” Rachel called out.

Quinn stopped and turned to look at Rachel.

“Get in,” Rachel said.

Quinn appeared as though she were debating it, before she sighed, walked to the car and got in.

“Is something wrong with your car? You changed your battery, right?”

Quinn’s voice was subdued when she spoke. “My parents know,” she whispered. “I told them this weekend.”

Rachel was relieved that they were at a stop sign. She turned to look at Quinn. “Are you okay?” she asked, her voice hushed.

Quinn paused before she answered. “Yeah,” she said, tears starting to leak out of her eyes. She wiped at her eyes angrily. “They took my car away, and I’m grounded. Indefinitely. I missed the bus, because I didn’t know the schedule, so I had to walk.” Quinn sniffled. “Thanks for stopping.”

Rachel was not a person who liked to have her insecurities visible to the world. When she put herself out there for the world to see her, it’s because she felt confident on that particular day in that particular moment. But she would not want the world to be privy to her more private moments, the moments when she feels unattractive or like she will never get out of this small town where no one seemed really to get her. She would not want the world to see her failures, or those moments when she felt like she is not enough. Or worse yet, those moments when she actually is not enough. It was for these reasons that Rachel pulled over and stopped the car.

“Where are your parents?”

“At home, they both took the day off work.”

Rachel cupped Quinn’s cheeks and wiped just under Quinn’s eyes with her thumbs. The gesture fixed Quinn’s mascara which had begun to run. “Do you really want to go to school?” she asked softly.

Quinn breathed in shakily. “Yes, because that’s exactly where I’d like to be, where everyone can stare and whisper.”

Rachel ignored the sarcasm and smiled at Quinn. “You can stay at my house,” Rachel said. “I have a test in my first class, so I have to go to that. But I can come home if you want company. But if you want to be alone, I don’t have to.”

Quinn went still. “Are you messing with me?”

Rachel looked puzzled. “Why would I do that?”

“Why would you do that for me?”

Rachel shrugged. “You need a place to go, I have one. And we’re teammates, and teammates support each other.” The logic was very simple to Rachel. She knew that most of the Glee kids probably wouldn’t talk to her if it weren’t for the fact they need her to round out the team. But she didn’t really feel that way about them. She liked them as people and respected their talented.

“I promise I won’t look through your stuff,” Quinn whispered.

“I’m not that interesting anyway. Help yourself to anything in the fridge, watch TV, movies, whatever you need to pass the time.”

Rachel drove back to her house and let Quinn in the house.

“Can you really come back after second period?” Quinn asked. She did want to be alone, but she didn’t want to be alone the entire day.

Rachel smiled. “Sure.”

“But you don’t skip classes.”

Rachel shrugged. “There’s a first time for everything, Quinn.”

\--

Rachel ditched the rest of her classes after first period and came home to find Quinn lying her bed and watching the morning shows on ABC.

“How are you?” Rachel asked softly.

“Okay,” Quinn said, her voice somber. “Thanks for letting me stay here.” She rubbed her face and groaned. “God, I fucked up,” she said softly.

Rachel sat down on the bed and rubbed Quinn’s back comfortingly. “Is there someone I can call? Finn? Brittany? Santana?”

Quinn shook her head. “No, I don’t…I don’t want to talk to them yet.”

Rachel nodded and assumed that meant that Quinn wanted to be alone, because if Quinn didn’t want to be around her best friends and her boyfriend, then she probably just wanted to be left alone for a while. “Okay,” Rachel said. “I’ll give you your space.” She stood up.

“You don’t have to go,” Quinn said softly.

Rachel sat back down. “Are you sure you don’t want me to call someone?”

Quinn shook her head again. “No. It’s just…sometimes being around people who know you really well just makes it harder, especially when you fuck up. God, I am such a screw up. I really thought I had a chance at getting out of this town,” she said, tearfully.

“You can still have that chance, Quinn. Your life isn’t over yet. It’s hardly even begun. I thought you were giving the baby up for adoption.”

Quinn shook her head. “I can’t,” she whispered. “I just…I can’t imagine giving her away and I haven’t even met her.”

“Oh,” Rachel said quietly.

“I know,” Quinn said miserably.

They sat in silence for a while, and then Quinn spoke again.

“The baby isn’t Finn’s, she’s Puck’s,” Quinn blurted. Quinn looked horrified by the revelation. “I mean, I know you’re kind of dating Puck and I’m not saying this to mess things up between you guys, I just. I never told anyone. And it’s been killing me.”

Rachel already knew this, and she felt it would be really wrong to feign surprise. She was not sure what to do. She bit her lip, not realizing that it was always a dead giveaway for when she felt guilty. “Oh,” she said.

Quinn stared at her. “That’s it? Just ‘oh’?” She asked. “You’re not going to tell Finn or anybody? You’re not going to get mad?”

Rachel sighed. “Noah already told me last month,” she admitted.

Quinn gaped at her. “And you didn’t tell anyone?”

Rachel shrugged. “It wasn’t any of my business.”

Quinn swallowed visibly. “But I would have told if I were you.”

Rachel looked thoughtful. “Yes, maybe,” she said. “But…” she shrugged. “I don’t know which of my dads is my biological dad, and we all like it that way. And I understand why you think Finn would be more reliable, even though I think you’re underestimating Noah. Noah says it’s not really about him or Finn or you, it’s about the baby. I suppose I agree, for better or worse.” Rachel smiled reassuringly. “It’s not my place to tell. But I hope you will when you’re ready because I really think you’re not being fair to any of you. But I won’t tell, because I’m really not your enemy, Quinn.” She touched Quinn’s shoulder. “I could be your friend, you know.”

It was as gentle an invitation to friendship as Rachel could manage. She knew she could be too blunt sometimes, too abrasive or whatever, and that could turn people off. But she liked to believe she knew when to be sensitive, too.

Quinn stared down at her lap and choked back a sob. She covered Rachel’s hand with her own, but she couldn’t say anything else.

\--

By the early afternoon, Quinn felt good enough to venture into the outside. She knew she had to quit Glee (it was one of her parents orders), and she felt obligated to tell everyone herself.

It was one of the hardest things she ever had to do, and she expected to see anger or disappointment at being let down, or derision for getting herself into the situation to begin with, but all she saw on the faces of the other Glee kids is sympathy and empathy. Mr. Schuester asked if there was anything he could do, something he could say to her parents to make them soften, but Quinn told him it was unlikely. Quinn would learn a few years down the line that Mr. Schuester did try, but it didn’t work. Quinn does learn that Mr. Schuester was the one who kept her out of getting kicked out of McKinley and into continuation school like most of the pregnant girls in their district, however, and she would always be grateful to him for that.

Within five minutes, Rachel created a graph of everyone’s schedules-- school schedule, extracurricular activities and jobs and crosschecked by everyone’s geographical location. It was a small town, so it didn’t matter over much. Within another five minutes, there is a schedule set out for everyone who has their own car to take turns picking Quinn up from school and taking her home, so that Quinn never has to walk. Artie promised to ask his parents about giving her a ride any time she needs it, and the rest of the car-less Glee kids promised to do the same.

Rachel was a flurry of motion on the wipe-off board, but she made sure to keep her penmanship neat. She didn’t know why she was making such an effort to help a girl who called her nasty names and drew dirty pictures of her in the bathroom, but Rachel hoped that one day, if she really needed someone, there would be someone there to help her.

\--

Once Quinn told her parents about the pregnancy, she has to come clean about the baby’s paternity, too. Her parents, of course, assume it’s Finn and are ready to go to his house to discuss the matter. But she realized that all he ever did was be a good boyfriend to her and so she told her parents the truth. Puck and his family are away for a distant relative’s funeral, and was not there the Sunday evening the Fabrays went over.

The next day, after Quinn has told the team that she has to quit Glee, Quinn has to rush to tell Puck to know what to expect to prepare his mother, and so she has to tell Finn as well.

Quinn asked Rachel to come with her to tell Finn, and Rachel agreed although she felt it would make things even more awkward. Rachel didn’t think Quinn was afraid of Finn’s reaction in the sense of physical violence or anything, but clearly Quinn wanted someone else with her when she has to tell Finn. They sat in the music room, just the three of them because Finn can’t stand to be in the same room as Puck and Puck had to run home to tell his mother about what is happening anyway.

Finn was furious, and Rachel just wanted to hug him. He was a big guy-- tall and already pretty much grown-man sized. But his shoulders just sort of hunched and shook and he cried, although he tried his best not to show it. His face turned red. But he didn’t scream or yell. He just kind of sat there, his shoulders shaking and his face turning red and trembling.

“She’s really not my baby?” he asked, his voice cracking.

He was definitely not relieved, like most boys would have been.

“No,” Quinn said, her eyes were teary and she moved toward him like she wanted to hug him, but stopped herself. She reached for Rachel’s hand and she squeezed it as hard as she could. It hurt, but Rachel said nothing.

“You lied to me?” he asked. “You slept with Puck?”

He said it like he was asking just to be sure, but the way he said it, that choked cry, it was clear he understood exactly what Quinn was telling him.

“I’m sorry,” Quinn said, wanting to beg him to understand. But she didn’t want to make excuses for her behavior anymore. “I’m so sorry.”

Finn seemed to understand that Rachel was there for the first time.

He stared at her.

“Rachel, you knew this?” he asked, staring at the way Quinn gripped Rachel’s hand.

Rachel bowed her head, and felt guilty, so very guilty, for keeping this from him, too. It was just that it wasn’t her secret to share. “I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I’ve known since last month.”

Finn just looked sad. Not bitter or angry, but disappointed, which made Rachel feel that much worse. “I thought we were friends and you liked me,” he said quietly.

“I care about you,” Rachel said quietly, she turned to Quinn and gave the blonde a small smile. “But it wasn’t my place to tell you, and I knew Quinn would do the right thing.”

“The right thing would have been not to sleep with my best friend!”

“I know,” Rachel said gently. “But I think you know what it’s like to have principles that are really hard to live up to, Finn.”

Finn held his head in his hands. “Can you guys just leave me alone?”

“Okay,” Rachel said. Rachel stood up first and held her hand out for Quinn to take.

“Finn…” Quinn whispered, once she stood up. She wiped away tears. “Finn, please--“

“Just leave me alone for a while,” Finn said, not even bothering to hide the fact he was crying anymore.

“Come on,” Rachel said quietly, putting her arm around Quinn’s shoulders and gently guiding her away. “I’ll drive you home, Quinn.”

\--

Eventually, everyone in Glee found out about what happened between Quinn, Puck and Finn, and everyone took Finn’s side. They were cold and actively ignored Quinn and Puck, but their attitudes softened with a couple weeks.

Finn forgave Quinn within a couple weeks, but they break-up anyway. Finn forgave Rachel a couple weeks after that, and he was back to walking with them in the halls. Finn does not forgive Puck so easily, however. It was only after the baby is born that summer that Finn could forgive Puck. But Finn was a team player, and he managed not to let it affect Glee or football too much. Despite the fact that everyone was inherently on Finn’s side, everyone maintained the ride schedule for Quinn after a couple weeks of ignoring her, primarily because no one really had it in their hearts to make a pregnant girl walk or take the bus. Rachel did triple duty for a while, until everyone’s attitudes softened a little more, but it all worked out in the end, even if it was slow. In truth, everyone else was still really uncertain and confused about the whole thing, and it was only when Janie was born over the summer that everyone truly forgave the whole thing.

Kylie Kim, the quiet senior with a crush on Mr. Schuester, filled in for Quinn, and they make it to Nationals. They don’t win, but they do make it to second place. Rachel believed that if they had Quinn, they could have won first, but she didn’t say it out loud, because she didn’t want to hurt Kylie’s feelings. Kylie didn’t have any dreams of a Broadway career or anything, she wanted to move to the beach in California and study History, which was exactly what happened. After their…non-win at Nationals, Rachel made it her mission to get the Fabrays let Quinn join Glee again. She pleaded their case with the Fabrays every day in the summer, and every other day when school started in September.

When Quinn’s baby was born two days after the Fourth of July, Rachel fell in love with the baby like everyone else.


	5. Chapter 5

Year 2010

Despite how stifling and oppressive it was to live in her parents’ home, Quinn was deliriously happy after Jane was born. Janie was born on the 6th of July at 8:30pm. Her parents were both at work because it was a Tuesday when she started to have contractions at 10am. Quinn didn’t care much, because she’d come to realize she really couldn’t rely on them, so she called Rachel instead. Rachel arrived at the house in six minutes, which meant that she’d broken at least four different traffic laws because she probably ran the stop sign a block from her house, sped through the yellow light on Franklin that went from green to yellow to red in like, seven seconds, drove too fast through a school zone (where kids undoubtedly were present because of summer school) and broke the speed limit in a residential neighborhood. Rachel had also been known to drive a little recklessly, but Quinn herself had never experienced it, at least, not at that point. On the drive to the hospital, Rachel is quick, but careful.

Everyone came to the hospital, and someone phoned her parents because they arrive at 6:00pm, after work.

It was a long labor, at least she thought so. Other mothers would tell her over the years that it wasn’t a long labor, it was actually pretty short, especially for a first child. The pain was terrible, but once Quinn got to hold the baby, everything seemed worth it, and Quinn believed she could make it under her parents’ rules, as long as she had her little girl. She used to think it was a cliché when people talked about falling in love with your child, but when it happened to her, it didn’t feel like a cliché, it felt like an absolute truth.

Puck held his daughter for the first time that night and he looked huge in comparison to a tiny infant and absolutely terrified. Finn held her as well, and the adoringly stupefied expression on his face made it very clear to Quinn that genetics didn’t matter to him, Finn loved that little girl like she was his own. Over the years, Jane would come to look at Puck and Finn as her fathers and she doesn’t seem to show a preference for one or the other. But from the time Jane was small, she learned pretty early on that what she couldn’t get from Quinn, she could get from Puck or Finn, and in fact, Puck or Finn often pleaded Jane’s case to Quinn. It would annoy Quinn endlessly, but the alternative was much worse, and she knew she had no reason to complain.

When Rachel held the baby, Quinn can not help but smile. Rachel was gentle and clearly enthralled. Rachel had been incredibly supportive through everything, and Quinn knew that her life would have been a lot harder without Rachel. Something felt so right seeing Rachel hold the baby, and Quinn secretly felt like they were their own little family. Her smile faded a little when her parents came, and so Rachel left the room, sandwiched between Finn and Puck.

Quinn was jealous of Rachel for obvious reasons like not having to worry about taking care of a helpless hours-old infant, for not living in prison-like conditions, for being able to be flirtatious with a boy and not have it be weird. Quinn was jealous that Rachel seemed to be dating both Finn and Puck, although all three of them denied it. But Quinn had seen both Finn and Puck take liberties with Rachel’s body-- playing with her hair, nudging her shoulder, touching the small of her back, and Quinn realized she was sort of jealous of all of them. She was jealous of Rachel because Quinn really did have feelings for both Finn and Puck now, especially because they’d been so good to her through the pregnancy. But deep down inside of her, she was jealous of Finn and Puck because Rachel looked at them in a way that Rachel never looked at her.

Years later, Finn, Puck and Rachel continued to deny that any configuration of the three of them started dating after Finn and Quinn broke up. Quinn was still unsure if she could believe them, but Rachel and Finn did admit they kissed once, but that Rachel‘s assistance in concealing the truth about Jane’s paternity from Finn was always a barrier between a romance. Quinn was never sure if she was relieved or guilty about that. Puck and Rachel would admit to a purely physical relationship, which Quinn had long suspected, but it was gratifying to get confirmation.

On Fourth of July, two days before Jane was born, Quinn texted with Rachel late into the night. Rachel’s dads threw their annual Fourth of July party, and most of the other Glee kids went. Quinn wished she could be there with them, but was glad Rachel texted with her. Quinn texted with Santana, Brittany, Mercedes and Tina as well, but it was always Rachel who returned the texts the most promptly. Quinn was not sure if it was because of good manners or because Rachel was checking her phone as regularly as Quinn checked hers. But Quinn is grateful for it either way.

Quinn complained about her aching back, her sore stomach, her swollen feet and just how ugly she felt lately. Rachel didn’t reply right away, and Quinn assumed (in a hormonal fit) that Rachel had gotten grossed out or bored, or possibly both and threw her phone down in frustration. It was fifteen minutes later that she received a text message for Quinn to open her window.

Quinn struggled to get out of bed and went to the window to find Rachel standing beneath her second story window. Quinn opened the window and Rachel smiled and waved up at her. Quinn’s parents didn’t isolate her completely the way she expected they would, but she couldn’t have friends over as freely as she used to, and definitely not at one in the morning. Rachel began climbing up the trellis to Quinn’s bedroom.

Quinn was aghast. “Rachel, stop it,” she hissed. “If you fall, you’ll break your neck.”

Rachel crawled up the trellis as agile as a spider. “I work out my core muscles on the climbing wall at the gym, and I took a ton of gymnastics classes when I was a kid” she explained, once she crawled through Quinn’s window. She sounded as though her actions were completely normal and not in the least crazy. She had a backpack on and she took it off and dropped it onto the floor. “Hi, by the way.”

Quinn thought Rachel was crazy, but was thrilled for the company.

“God, you’re going to give me a heart attack,” Quinn said. She still had mental images of Rachel losing her grip and falling to her death. Her heart was still racing and she grabbed Rachel’s hand to put over her heart as proof.

“Sorry,” Rachel said. “But I got your texts and I was worried. Are you really that uncomfortable?” Rachel asked, concerned.

Quinn wanted to be brave or whatever, it was that she was supposed to be, but she was just too uncomfortable. “Kind of,” she admitted.

“Lie down,” Rachel said.

“What?”

“Lie down on your bed.”

“Why?” Quinn demanded.

Rachel rolled her eyes. “I’ll help you get comfortable.”

It sounded completely dirty and Quinn grinned crookedly at the sound of it, but Rachel seemed wholly unaware of the connotations.

Quinn lied down on her side. “What’re you going to do?”

Rachel slipped in behind her. “I’ve been reading about prenatal massages” she explained. She reached into her bag and pulled out some massage oils that she’d determined were safe for pregnant women. She blew on her hands trying to warm them up, despite the fact that it was already warm outside and her naturally high body temperature ensured that her hands were almost always warm. “Pull up your shirt,” she said softly.

Quinn acquiesced, pulling her shirt up as far as it would go to expose her back and belly, but feeling shy, she kept her breasts covered. “Why did you do that?” she whispered.

Rachel’s lips broke into a slow grin as squeezed a little massage oil into her hands and touched Quinn’s bare flesh. “I thought it might come in handy one day,” she admitted.

Quinn chuckled. “You’re secretly incredibly charming aren’t you?” she joked. “Are you trying to make me fall in love with you?”

“Ha!” Rachel exclaimed, cackling.

Quinn was a little insulted that Rachel would be so amused, but it feels so good that she didn’t comment on it. She sighed contentedly. “That feels good,” Quinn said softly.

“Good,” Rachel said.

“Rach?” Quinn asked quietly.

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have man hands.”

Rachel chuckled from low in her throat, genuinely amused. “I appreciate you telling me.”

Quinn laughed and they settled into silence. Quinn fell asleep and when she woke up, Rachel was gone.  
\--

After Jane was born, Quinn signed up with Helping Hands, which had a program designated to help parenting teenagers. Quinn took a couple of parenting classes a week, in exchange for free childcare during school hours. She was actually glad to take the parenting classes, she had a lot of questions, and no one she could ask. Plus, she had more time to bond with her daughter. Helping Hands was also open to child care during extracurricular activities, but it also required counseling.

She didn’t need the childcare until school resumes in September, and so Quinn spent all summer bonding with the baby. She really didn’t care that she couldn’t do all the fun things her friends were doing, because any time she spends more than an hour away from Jane, she just wanted to be with her baby again. She had a ton of clothes, toys and diapers from the baby shower the Glee kids hosted for her, and Mr. Schuester bought her diaper service for a year as a present. Secretly, Quinn thought it was because he felt bad that his wife tried to take her baby, but Mr. Schuester never confirmed it, and he was always so good to Jane.

Her parents were not outright hostile to the baby, but they didn’t help her much either. She had a place to live, and her mother always bought baby formula when she went to the grocery store. Her parents made sure she had enough money to provide Jane with everything she needed and her parents tolerate it when her friends visit her while they are at work, so Quinn didn’t feel like she had any right to complain.

The Glee kids came in pairs every couple days. They watched the baby, and let Quinn get a few hours of sleep. It was so beyond nice that Quinn wanted to cry all the time. She had no idea why she received such kindness, but she can’t reject it, because she desperately needed it. Rachel came over every day, sometimes for the entire day, but more often than not, only for a few hours. Quinn got a few hours of sleep each time Rachel visited Rachel became really good with Janie.

Quinn thought that the first few months of parenthood would be boring or exhausting because of all the things she’d read and seen on TV, and it was exhausting, but it was not boring. Jane slept a lot, but Quinn was completely charmed by her baby.

When school started again, Jane was eleven weeks old, and Quinn wished summer were a little longer, so she could have some more time with the baby. She knew that eventually, she would get burnt out, because as much as she liked spending time with Jane, the baby did sleep more than anything else. But still, going back to school and having to take Jane to daycare was a lot more difficult than she thought it would be. It was hard being without her baby, and Quinn found herself thinking about Jane all the time while she was in class. It was distracting, and there were times that Quinn regretted not going to the continuation school, because at least she could have been with her daughter earlier in the dayThe Glee kids organized the new schedule for Quinn to be picked up and dropped off, since she still does not have her car. It’s absolutely a punishment, because it would have made it so much easier on Quinn to have a car so she can drive Jane to doctor’s appointments and to daycare. But no one seemed to mind schlepping Quinn and Janie around.

One day during the first week of school, it was Rachel’s turn to pick Quinn and the baby up from the Fabray house. Quinn installed the car seat in Rachel’s backseat while Rachel held the baby and then they dropped Janie off at Helping Hands. Quinn returned to the car rubbing her right shoulder.

“Are you okay?”

“She’s kind of getting heavy,” Quinn admitted.

Rachel grinned. “It’s because you try to carry too much stuff.”

Quinn rolled her eyes. “This lecture again.” She sighed mournfully. “Now we have to go to school.”

Quinn really did not want to go to school-- she was tired of the stares, whispers, pointing and the hushed informative gossip to the incoming freshmen.

“Let’s not go to school,” Quinn said. “We should play!”

Rachel turned to grin at her. “How should we play?”

Quinn shrugged. “I don’t know, just…I don’t want to go to school. Let’s not go.”

Rachel didn’t say anything.

It was becoming easier to corrupt Rachel, who was one of those model students who always got perfect attendance awards. Quinn didn’t say anything else to pressure Rachel, and left it up to the brunette.

After dropping Jane off at Helping Hands, instead of turning left onto Tremont to get the school, Rachel passed Tremont entirely.

It was only after Rachel made the decision they will both ditch school that Quinn realized Rachel was listening to Lima’s Oldies Station, the one that plays Bad Moon Rising at five pm every Friday. The Five Stairsteps song, Ooh child was playing and purely out of habit, Rachel sang along to the music and Quinn figured, what the hell, she was already a fornicating teen mother with possibly bisexual tendencies, she might as well sing along, too. And anyway, it was actually Quinn’s favorite radio station, since her taste in music tended to gear toward 1960s pop music. At a stoplight, Quinn and Rachel turned to look at each other, and, as if by telepathy they both started singing along at the top of their lungs. Quinn only really knew the chorus, but she sang as loud as she could anyway.

“Ooh child, things are gonna get easier.”

Quinn took it as a good sign. She really could have things get a little easier. Plus, she loved that song.

\--

They ate breakfast together, first, since neither of them have eaten yet. Rachel paid for it, since Quinn no longer had the easy access to money that she had before her parents found out she got pregnant. Quinn was embarrassed and felt ‘kept,’ but could only mumble a sincere ‘thank you.’ Rachel never made a big deal out of it, so they eat together and Quinn savored being able to drink coffee that isn’t decaf.

Rachel got a little bit of syrup near her mouth and without even thinking about it, Quinn tipped a little water from her glass onto her napkin and wiped at Rachel’s face. Rachel squirmed away, and Quinn is reminded of Jane who also squirmed away when Quinn tried to clean her face.

“Hold still,” Quinn said in exasperation.

“But you’re wiping my make-up off,” Rachel complained.

“Listen, Syrup Face--“

“Syrup Face?”

“Just hold still!”

“I can do it,” Rachel said insistently.

“I’m already doing it!”

“You’re being too rough!”

“Stop moving! Hold still!”

“Stop it!”

Rachel swatted at Quinn’s hands and the blonde finally gave up.

“Fine,” Quinn huffed. “Have syrup on your face. I hope a bear smells it and eats you!”

Rachel burst into laughter. “That is just absurd.”

Quinn crossed her arms, not wanting to stop sulking quite yet.

“Fine,” Rachel sighed. She leaned her head closer to Quinn and shut her eyes.

Quinn grinned triumphantly and wiped at Rachel’s face, more out of general principle than actual necessity because the syrup was gone now. Rachel’s eyes were still shut and she just looked so adorable. Quinn glanced around to see if anyone was looking. No one was. She smiled and then cupped Rachel’s cheek as gently as she could.

Rachel’s eyes flew open.

“You have long eyelashes,” Quinn noted shyly. “It’s really pretty.”

Rachel blushed and her head ducked down. “Uhm, thanks,” she said. “Yours are really pretty, too.”

Quinn’s cheeks reddened. “Thanks,”

They fell silent, and it felt awkward to them both. When their waitress came to check on them, they were both relieved for the interruption. Rachel paid the bill and they left. They didn’t have any particular place to go, so Rachel drove around aimlessly as they talked about something, anything, they can do. They didn’t want to go anywhere that would ask them why they aren’t in school, and so the options were limited. They ultimately decided on just going to Rachel’s house to kill some time before they have to pick up Jane from daycare and Quinn and Jane have to go home.

Quinn loved Rachel’s house because it truly felt like a home. There were family pictures everywhere, not just of Rachel and her dads, but of extended family, too. Rachel’s house was the kind of place where you could walk inside and find someone laying on the carpet and watching TV or Rachel painting her toenails in front of the television in the living room. Also, there was just always something to look at, or to do. Rachel’s dad, Alex, was a movie buff who bought DVDs and collected movie memorabilia, and her other dad, Paul like to take photographs, so there was always something new every time Quinn went to Rachel’s. It was rare for Quinn to be able to go anywhere without permission after her parents found out about her pregnancy, so it’d been quite some time since she’d last been at Rachel’s, and Quinn felt a sense of relief to be back.

No one was home, so Rachel and Quinn lounged in front of the television in the living room and watched morning talk shows. Quinn thought they were inane, but Rachel seemed to enjoy them well enough. Rachel cleared had dreams of appearing on these talk shows in the future. When they got older, and Rachel did, in fact, get invited to appear on these talk shows, Rachel would have to concede that the morning talk shows are, in fact, inane, but she had a lot of respect for people who were able to keep up with that pace of filming.

The later it became in the morning, the more relaxed they became, so that while they started out in positions that were more or less upright and displaying good posture, within two hours they are sprawled on top of each other.

“Please, you have to turn it off,” Quinn pleaded. “I will fall asleep if we keep watching this.”

The remote control was just out of their reach on the top of the sofa’s back, one of them would have to sit up to get it.

Rachel was also lethargic and not inclined to move. “No,” Rachel mumbled sleepily. “You turn it off.”

“It’s your house.”

“Yes, but because it’s my house, I don’t mind going to sleep.”

Quinn huffed. “Fine,” she said.

She blindly groped her hand out to use Rachel to prop herself up. Her hand touched something soft and Rachel squeaked in surprise. Both Quinn and Rachel sat up immediately.

“Was that…” Quinn started to ask.

Rachel was blushing and she covered her chest by draping on of her arms across it. “It’s okay,” she reassured.

“I’m sorry,” Quinn apologized, also beginning to blush furiously. She wondered if her face was as red as it felt, because her face felt like it was burning.

“Seriously, it’s okay,” Rachel said. She dropped her am and both her hands rested in her lap. She laughed softly. “It was just an accident.”

Quinn laughed as well. “Yeah, totally,” she agreed. She paused. “And it wouldn’t have happened if you’d just changed the station, since it’s your house.”

Rachel pouted. “You just violated me and now you’re blaming me?”

“Violated you?” Quinn asked incredulously.

“Yes,” Rachel said. She grabbed one of the throw pillows and hit Quinn in the arm with it. “Violated.”

Quinn was both annoyed and amused and grabbed the pillow away from Rachel. “I’ll show you ‘violated,’ Syrup Face!” she exclaimed, hitting Rachel with the pillow relentlessly, but making sure there was no real force behind it.

Rachel squealed and tried to get away, but Quinn quickly maneuvered herself so that she pinned Rachel’s hips between her legs.

“I give up! I give up!” Rachel gasped out between fits of laughter.

“Ha!” Quinn said triumphantly, as she crawled off Rachel. She looked down at Rachel smugly. “I’m stronger than you.”

“You were right,” Rachel said very seriously. “You feeling me up wasn’t violation. That was violation.”

“Eh,” Quinn said, lightly swatting at Rachel’s stomach with the back of her hand. “It could have been worse.”

“I suppose it could have,” Rachel agreed.

Quinn ‘s gaze happened to shift to the shelf where Rachel’s fathers kept their DVDs and she caught sight of The Exorcist. Her eyes brightened.

“Hey! You guys have The Exorcist!” she exclaimed.

“Yeah,” Rachel said.

“Can we watch it?”

Rachel raised an eyebrow. “Halloween is next month, Quinn.”

“I know,” Quinn said. “But I’ve never seen it. My parents said it was sacrilegious and Finn saw it when he was eight and won’t ever see it again. Please, can we watch it?”

Rachel shuddered. “There’s a reason why Finn won’t watch it, Quinn. It’s scary.”

“But it’s day time. So it won’t be as scary. Come on, Rach. If I don’t watch it now, who knows when I’ll get to see it again?”

“You still have your TV in your room. You can borrow it and bring it back to me at school tomorrow.”

Quinn pretended to be indignant. “My baby watches Baby Einstein DVDs on that TV! You would have me violate it with The Exorcist?”

Rachel grinned crookedly at her. “That makes no sense and you know it.”

Quinn sighed. “I don’t want to watch it by myself,” she admitted.

Rachel gave in with a deep sigh. “Fine.”

Rachel started the movie, and Quinn was pleased because she was able to watch the movie and didn’t have to do it alone. Almost from the moment the movie started, Rachel was clearly on edge, and Rachel moved progressively closer to Quinn as the movie went on. But it was not until Linda Blair was convulsing on the bed for the second time and speaking in that possessed voice that Rachel screamed bloody murder. One moment, Rachel was sitting close to her, the next Rachel was practically in her lap clutching Quinn’s arm so hard that it actually hurt. Quinn thought that calling Rachel ‘Man Hands’ wasn’t exactly wrong, because Rachel was freakishly strong. Quinn wrapped her arms around Rachel, giving her a quick hug. “Seriously,” she said. “Are you really this scared?”

Rachel blushed and moved off Quinn’s lap. Quinn wrapped her arm around Rachel’s shoulder and pulled Rachel close.

“My mother told me exorcisms were real when I was eight when we watched it together, it was at my dads’ Fourth of July party” Rachel explained. “So I thought this movie was real for…” Rachel blushed. “Longer than I should have.”

Quinn wondered what kind of crappy mother would tell an eight year old that exorcisms were real, on the same day they watch The Exorcist, but then remembered that Rachel’s mother was really just a surrogate. As far as Quinn was concerned, just giving birth to someone didn’t make anyone a mother, and she felt justified in feeling that way because she’d had a baby herself. She loved Jane and was committed to her daughter, and she couldn’t imagine why Rachel felt such an attachment to someone who’d really only given birth to her.

Quinn stroked Rachel’s hair. “But you know it’s not a true story or a documentary now, right?” she teased.

Rachel turned to give her a wry grin. “Yes, Quinn” she said dryly.

They continued to watch the movie. Quinn had long heard about the infamous crucifix/masturbation scene, but when it came on the screen, Quinn still couldn’t help it-- she shrieked in unison with Rachel.

“Oh my God!” Quinn said, wincing. “Oh my God!”

Rachel turned to her. “I know, right?”

When Linda Blair’s head spun around 180 degrees, Quinn and Rachel screamed and grabbed each other’s hands, although by this point, it was more for the horrified fun of it, than actual fear.

They turned to look at each other and grinned.

“You’re actually talking through a movie,” Quinn commented.

Rachel shrugged. “I didn’t want to watch it in the first place!”

Quinn laughed. “You’re a wimp,” she accused.

“Quinn, this movie is legitimately scary. Finn won’t even watch it.”

Quinn wanted to point out that Finn was also the boy who had to picture running over a mailman to prevent himself from getting too excited, but she felt that bit of information should remain private.

“You’re still a wimp,” Quinn teased.

Rachel turned her head to grin at Quinn and gently swatted at Quinn. Quinn grabbed one of Rachel’s hands and held onto it, tugging on it. Rachel chuckled and tried to pull her hand away, but Quinn held on.

“I’m going to get you, Rachel,” Quinn said, trying to make her voice as ominous as possible.

Rachel laughed and tugged a little harder.

Quinn pulled even harder, but it was harder than she intended and Rachel was pulled forward into Quinn’s lap. Rachel’s arms rested across Quinn’s thighs and the brunette peered up at Quinn. Quinn stared down and released a sharp breath when Rachel’s propped her elbows up on Quinn’s thighs so that she could sit up. Rachel slowly sat up, keeping her eyes on Quinn and then moved her torso just a little forward.

Rachel stared into Quinn’s face for just a second and then pushed her lips against Quinn’s.

Quinn was eager to return the kiss, and she lied back on the couch, pulling Rachel with her. Rachel’s weight on top of her felt comfortable and Rachel was so soft in the right places. Quinn’s tongue pushed into Rachel’s mouth, and Quinn felt Rachel moan into the kiss. Quinn’s hands roamed down Rachel’s back. She felt around for the zipper behind Rachel’s skirt and then unzipped it. Rachel made a little noise of surprise, but she took Quinn’s hand and guided it past her underwear. Quinn touched Rachel’s bare butt, it felt so smooth and Quinn just wanted to run her hands over it all day. Soon both her hands were cupping Rachel’s butt and she gave it a firm squeeze.

Rachel was more tentative as she reached under Quinn’s shirt. She moved her hand under Quinn’s bra and Quinn found herself wishing she’d worn a bra that unclasped in the front. She sat up slightly, in sort of a half sit-up.

Quinn pulled her head away for the second it took her to say “undo my bra.”

Rachel undid it easily and Quinn lied back down. Rachel’s hands were soft and Quinn’s mind registered the difference between hands that threw a football around and helped a parent with yard work and hands that were well-moisturized. One of Rachel’s hands cupped one of her breasts and Quinn gasped when Rachel’s thumb lightly circlde around her nipple.

They kissed a little more and felt each other up, but then they stopped-  
. Rachel pulled away first.

“I… we…I mean, we should stop,” Rachel said breathlessly.

“Yeah,” Quinn said. “I…I didn’t exactly mean for that to happen.”

“Me neither,” Rachel said, blushing. “Are you okay? I mean. I know we…” Rachel ducked her head. “I know we’ve kissed, but we never…I mean, we’ve never…”

“I mean, we just made it to second base.”

Rachel laughed, but then she became serious. “Are you okay with that?”

Quinn was thoughtful. She was, actually, at least for now. She didn’t want to think that she might be gay yet or anything, but ever since she’d first kissed Rachel, this just seemed to be inevitable. In truth, Quinn was a little surprised and a little disappointed that it stopped when it did, but ultimately, she was relieved. She had been celibate since that time with Puck, not that it meant anything considering she was now an unwed teenaged mother. But she still felt like she should be celibate, she gave in one time, but that did not necessarily mean she wanted to give in again. She knew she could be hypocritical sometimes, but she didn’t want to be.

“I am,” Quinn said. “Are you?”

Rachel blushed again. “Yes,” she said.

Quinn peered into Rachel’s eyes. “This won’t get weird, right?” she asked.

“No way,” Rachel promised.

“Good,” Quinn said, smiling. She caressed Rachel’s cheek and was rewarded with a bright smile.

It was only then that Quinn noticed the TV was still on. The movie had been over for a while, and was currently on its Home Screen. Quinn had no idea how she could have possibly made out with Rachel through the rest of the movie, particularly because it was fairly loud, but it had been done. Later, Quinn would have to create a specific category of movies called “Movies I Watched While Making Out with My Girlfriend on Her Parents’ Couch” and The Exorcist was first in that list.

After school was supposed to have let out (had they gone), they left Rachel’s house to pick Jane up from daycare. Rachel plugged her iPod into the auxiliary outlet in her car’s stereo, and they sang along to the music, but they didn’t talk.

Rachel pulled into the parking lot at Helping Hands and then parked in a space. She smiled shyly at Quinn. “I’ll go get her, I know your shoulder has been bugging you,” she said. She leaned in and gave Quinn a quick peck on the lips, and scrambled out of the car before Quinn could respond.

When Quinn saw Rachel was coming back, she got out to open one of the doors in the backseat. Quinn took the diaper bag from Rachel while Rachel belted Jane into the car seat.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Quinn said.

“I know,” Rachel said. “But I just love this little one,” she said, cooing at Jane. She ticked Jane’s cheek and smiled when Jane smiled. She stood to her full height and then shut the door. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”  
\--

Mike picked her up for school the next morning. Rachel had a dentist’s appointment, and Quinn was disappointed that she couldn’t see Rachel before school. Jane, however, lovedMike because he danced for her, made silly faces at her and had the ability to play Peek-a-boo until she fell asleep.

Quinn was walking to her third period History class when she saw Rachel walking in the hall. She and Rachel had a lot of classes in common this year, since they were both taking mostly college-prep classes. She grabbed Rachel by the arm and pulled her down the hallway and around a corner, toward the staff bathroom that the female teachers always forgot to lock after them. It was built so that only one person could use it at a time.

“What’s going on?” Rachel asked. “Are you okay?”

Quinn glanced around, determined no one was looking, opened the door to female staff’s bathroom and pulled Rachel inside. She locked the door behind them and pushed Rachel against the door.

“Quinn?” Rachel’s eyes were wide.

Quinn grinned down at her and ran her thumb across Rachel’s lower lip. “Does your mouth hurt?” she asked. “Are you okay?”

Rachel smiled. “It was just a cleaning. No cavities.” She gave Quinn a toothy smile.

“Such a good girl, aren’t you?” Quinn asked.

“What’s gotten into you?” Rachel asked quizzically. “Are you okay?”

“I want to kiss you,” Quinn said softly. She didn’t have a lot of free time anymore, and her parents were watching her like a hawk. Sure, Rachel came over every day to ask her parents to let Quinn rejoin Glee club, but they didn’t exactly have alone time together when that happened. This was one of the few private moments she had where she could get way with this.

Rachel beamed at her. “Oh!” she exclaimed.

Thus began a daily ritual, though they generally waited until Nutrition. Lunch wasn’t an option because they tended to eat with the other Glee kids. Although it was rare when all twelve of them were together eating lunch due to meetings with extracurricular groups and academic projects, none of the Glee kids ever ate alone. Rachel and Quinn disappearing every lunch period would definitely be noticed, but their absence would not necessarily be felt during Nutrition when students were generally scrambling around.

One day, Ms. Pillsbury caught them as they were exiting and she was trying to come in. Ms. Pillsbury was so surprised, she almost dropped her carrying case of travel-sized cleaning supplies.

Rachel and Quinn looked at one another, certain that they were going to get a lecture or something, but Ms. Pillsbury looked at them knowingly. Ms. Pillsbury was well aware of Quinn’s situation, and so she simply told them that the bathroom was a highly unsanitary choice to make out in, and that the old pottery room adjacent to the art classes was still open, even if no one used it anymore. And they could lock it.

They didn’t talk about it other than to agree upon a time if one of them needed to meet at a time other than during Nutrition, but they talked about nearly everything else when they weren’t making out.

It was about a month into that arrangement Quinn spotted Rachel talking to Puck in between classes. Rachel was laughing and had her hand on Puck’s chest. Puck leaned down and pecked Rachel on the lips before jogging off to meet with his football goon teammates. Quinn felt the unwelcome jolt of jealousy and wished she had a Slushie in her hand to toss into Puck’s face. And she really resented the way Rachel called Puck ‘Noah,’ as though Puck were some normal boy and not…not…Puck.

When they met in the pottery room during Nutrition, Rachel was herself, but Quinn was nearly apoplectic.

Quinn was harsher with Rachel than she intended when she pulled Rachel toward her and pushed her lips against Rachel’s in a rough kiss. Rachel didn’t appear to mind the roughness and simply went with it.

It was only after they heard the warning bell and Rachel moved to leave that Quinn grabbed Rachel by the arm.

“I saw you with Puck,” Quinn said, practically spitting the words out. “This morning, in the hall.”

Rachel looked at her quizzically. Well, yes, Quinn. I talk to Noah almost everyday.”

“He kissed you! And you let him!”

Rachel’s eyes were wide and innocent. “He’s my friend.”

“You let him kiss you!”

Rachel’s brow furrowed. “Did I do something wrong?” she asked. “He’s my friend.”

Quinn was suddenly horror-struck. “Are you kissing him?” she demanded. “Are you sleeping with him?” The thought of Rachel sleeping with Puck was too much. She had not yet slept with Rachel, at least in the figurative sense of the word.

Rachel looked annoyed. “Why are you asking me this? Since when do you care about my relationship with Noah?”

“Hello, you’re my girlfriend!”

Rachel was taken aback. “Oh!” she exclaimed. “I am?”

Quinn was irritated. “Of course you are, what did you think, that I go out of my way to make out with just anyone?”

“But you never said anything about--“

“I thought you were smart enough to realize that without me having to spell it out for you!”

“I’m sorry,” Rachel said sincerely. “I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t know what?” Quinn asked peevishly. “That I don’t make out with just anyone? That I would be upset you were doing God knows what with Puck, of all people, while you were kissing me? That I expected you to just know that we were--“

“I didn’t know you wanted me to be your girlfriend,” Rachel interrupted gently. She tilted her head up and kissed Quinn’s lips. “We never talked about this, and I just assumed you wanted things to be casual.”

Quinn crossed her arms. “Well, I don’t.”

“Okay,” Rachel said softly. “You’re my girlfriend.” She gently palmed the side of Quinn’s neck. “Noah is just my friend.”

“One you’re not sleeping with?”

Rachel bit her lip. “Well…”

Quinn was horrified. “What?”

“Just a few times last year, before Jane was born, I promise.”

“I knew it!” Quinn said.

“But we’re just friends now,” Rachel promised.

“Don’t let him kiss you,” Quinn said sulkily. “I don’t like it.”

Quinn knew she was being unreasonably jealous and unfair to Puck, but she could not help herself. Although Puck was good to the baby, she still couldn’t quite bring herself to forgive him. She knew ultimately she chose to sleep with him, but she’d felt unattractive and undesirable that day, she had alcohol that clouded her judgment, and she just made a huge mistake. She didn’t like the idea that Puck would get to have Rachel, too.

“I promise I won’t,” Rachel said solemnly. She wrapped her arms around Quinn’s waist and pulled Quinn close. “Will you forgive me?”

Quinn smiled slowly. “Yeah, I guess,” she said. Her nose grazed Rachel’s and she moved in for a kiss, but then pulled back. “We’re late for class,” she whispered.

“Let’s go,” Rachel said regretfully.

“Let’s come back here during lunch,” Quinn suggested.

“Okay,” Rachel agreed.

They left for their respective classes, and Rachel really does become her girlfriend.

A week later, when it was Halloween, Rachel opted out of Matt’s big Halloween party that the nearly the whole school was invited to, and chose, instead, to hang out with Quinn and Jane. It was Jane’s first Halloween, and Quinn simply could not resist getting Jane a ridiculous costume, which Quinn swore she wouldn’t do. Jane was the cutest pumpkin in the world and Rachel nearly filled up her memory stick on her digital camera taking pictures of Jane.


	6. Chapter 6

They talked about their relationship and agreed to keep things between the two of them, they didn’t tell anyone else, not even the Glee kids. Life at McKinley High School was hard enough without calling even more attention to them, and Quinn was worried that someone would tell her parents and Rachel wouldn’t be able to come over anymore.

Quinn knew her parents were tired of having Rachel come over every day to try to convince them to allow Quinn to rejoin Glee, but they sort of had this weird grudging respect for Rachel, too. Her parents thought Rachel would just give up right away, but Rachel started her campaign in June, when Glee came in second place without Quinn. Her mother admired that kind of tenacity, and for that alone, Rachel’s pleas were tolerated. Her father appreciated Rachel’s very matter-of-fact, bottom line arguments that Glee could help Quinn get scholarships to assist in paying for college . Also, extracurricular activities were necessary to even get into a decent school. But despite the grudging respect they had for Rachel, her parents would never let Rachel come back into their home if they knew Quinn was dating her.

By the first week of November 2010, Rachel’s months of persistence paid off, and Quinn’s parents finally relented. They let Quinn rejoin Glee. Mr. Schuester and the other Glee kids were excited, because although they had been practicing, they had not been able to compete without a twelfth member. Kylie Kim graduated the preceding June, and no one had taken Quinn’s place. Quinn rejoining the team allowed them to register to compete at Regionals at the end of the month, which would allow them to compete at Sectionals in January. All the competitions seemed to be held a little later that year, but that just worked in everyone’s favor.

Mr. Fabray had a grudging respect for Rachel and Mrs. Fabray seemed like she is almost fond of Rachel, in her own way. Quinn and Rachel were elated. Quinn had to sign up for a weekly counseling session at Helping Hands to get the childcare for Janie during her extracurricular activities, but Quinn didn’t mind at all. Puck signed up, too, and his mother loved to babysit, so childcare was pretty covered. When she went to therapy, she was probably supposed to talk about what it was like to be a teenager parenting a baby, or what her relationship with her parents was like, but she spent most of the time talking about Rachel, at least, once she was assured everything she said was confidential.

She was genuinely happy, for the first time in a long time.

They argued, of course. They argued a lot, but there was never any malice in it. Rachel was sweet to her, and didn’t push for anything Quinn wasn’t ready to do. She’d come to realize that she and Rachel had very different ideas about sex. It was meaningful to Rachel to the point that she didn’t want to have any one-night stands or do it with someone she didn’t care about, but Rachel wasn’t dead-set on doing it with someone she was in love with, which was how she justified sleeping with Puck when Quinn asked her about it. She was inexperienced, but more or less ready, whereas Quinn was also inexperienced but not ready for it, not even with Rachel.

Quinn deeply regretted sleeping with Puck, because she didn’t love him and because it hurt Finn so terribly. It also sort of made her regret not sleeping with Finn because she actually had loved him and been sort of in love with him, even if she did fall out of love with him pretty quickly. (In a moment of jealousy, Rachel would stomp off when Quinn told her this, only to return ten minutes later, still jealous and sulky, but contrite for getting so mad and jealous in such a cliché way.)

Sleeping with Finn would have been preferable to sleeping with Puck, at least for her, because at least the love would have been there. Plus, she still thought that celibacy was important and she wasn’t in a hurry to have sex again. She supposed she could have justified it to herself by telling herself that Rachel was a girl and it really didn’t ‘count,’ except that it did and she wasn’t trying to take the easy way out anymore. And anyway, Rachel did count.

Rachel never pushed the issue and seemed content to let Quinn set the pace and Quinn appreciated Rachel was so understanding. Rachel was so different from what she expected. She thought Rachel was high-maintenance, demanding, bossy and self-absorbed with more than a little injection of crazy. And Rachel was, in fact, all of those things. Rachel was still the Gleek most likely to chuck a hissy fit, and she was really demanding, bossy and self-absorbed, but there was much more to her than that. And, of course, Rachel was a little crazy, but she was also really sensitive and sweet and non-judgmental. Rachel may have been demanding, but she was mostly demanding of herself--of everyone else, her expectations seemed much more reasonable. Also, Rachel adored Jane and Jane just adored Rachel. Rachel was good to her, and Quinn appreciated that, even if she couldn’t always bring herself to say it.

When Thanksgiving rolled around that year, it happened to coincide with a death in Quinn’s family. It was a distant enough relative that Quinn and the baby didn’t need to go, but not so distant that the Fabrays didn’t have to go at all. Quinn had never met the relative in question, and was never quite sure which side of her family the relative was on, or how she was related to him. But she always remembered that year as the first one she spent with Rachel.

Quinn’s parents almost seemed relieved when Rachel invited Quinn and Jane to stay with her, though they appeared to be a little hesitant to allow her and Jane to stay with Rachel’s gay dads at first. They didn’t have much of a choice. Her parents left on a Tuesday, and for once, helped her out by dropping off Jane’s bassinet and bouncer at Rachel’s house. The plan was to return on Sunday night, since they had to go all the way to Indiana, which was a neighboring state and all, but not exactly a destination they could get to and back within a couple of days.

It was sad, but being without her parents made her incredibly happy. Living at home was like being on house arrest and it felt good to be with Rachel and not have to worry about rushing home before her parents did.

Rachel’s dads clearly loved kids and they were so good with Jane. They voluntarily watch Jane to give Rachel and Quinn some time alone, and it seemed like they just genuinely wanted to be around Jane.

Quinn helped Rachel and her dads cook a large Thanksgiving dinner, and it was delicious.

Rachel’s father, Alex, told a story of Rachel watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade on television for the first time when she is a year old, and how Rachel completely freaked out at the sight of the large balloons. Rachel’s other dad, Paul, chimed in that Rachel seemed to have an abiding fear of balloons after that, and it was only when she was ten that she stopped seeming annoyed and afraid of her birthday balloons. Quinn thought it was hilarious, and Rachel blushed, but was good-natured about it.

Quinn was disappointed when it was time for her to go home--it was like going back to prison after being free for a little while, but she was glad that she’d been able to see her girlfriend every day.

The Glee club won Regionals at the end of November and were eligible to compete in Sectionals again. They were all pumped to win Sectionals in the third week of January. Quinn was just glad that she could be part of the team again, and she realized just how much she genuinely liked to sing. Before Glee, she mainly sang at church, and it felt a little forced. It never felt like a gift or a talent or anything like that. Now it did.

In their first practice after they won at Regionals, everyone was giddy and excited.

“I got an email from Kylie,” Mr. Schuester announced. “She said to tell you guys ‘congratulations’ and wished you guys luck at Sectionals.”

“Who?” Quinn asked.

“Gaysian,” Tina and Mike said together. They looked at each other and shared a smile.

“What?” Quinn asked.

Rachel leaned in. “Kylie Kim,” she said. “She was in Glee last year.”

“Oh,” Quinn said, remembering. “What’s this about gaysian?”

Rachel smiled crookedly and shook her head. “It turned out Kylie had a girlfriend, even though she had a crush on Mr. Schue. Coach Sylvester started referring to her as gaysian. You know, gay Asian.”

“I’m Asian,” Tina added.

“No,” Mike interrupted. “I’m Asian, you’re other Asian.”

Tina shrugged.

“She’s doing well,” Rachel added. “I emailed her last week. She’s on the a cappella team at Berkeley now. She might even be able to come see us when we do Sectionals, because her sister is getting married around then.”

Quinn made a face at the thought of her girlfriend being friends with the girl who was effectively Quinn’s replacement last year. Jealousy was an unwelcome emotion, and she felt it constantly lately.

The music started and Brittany took the lead.

“It’s sixteen miles, to the promise land,” Brittany sang. “And I promise you, I’m doing the best I can.”

“Don’t look so glum,” Rachel whispered, standing behind Quinn to whisper in her ear before they needed to start singing, too. “You’re still my favorite girl.”

Quinn turned her head ever so slightly to smile at Rachel. “Keep it that way, Berry,” she said softly.

Rachel gave her a leering smile and then backed away.

Brittany continued to sing, Puck played the guitar and it was a simple acoustic set, but it just seemed to work.

“Now some days, they last longer than others,” everyone sang. They started to clap to the beat, and Puck put down his guitar and just sang and clapped along with the rest of them. “But this day, by the lake, went too fast.”

Rachel and Quinn turned to look at each other. “And if you want me,” they sang, “you better speak up, I won’t wait. So you better move fast!”

The song finished and Rachel and Quinn laughed and shared a high five. Santana called them nerds, but she was laughing as well. Brittany looked pleased and Mercedes gave her a hug, Tina told her she did a great job and Santana played with Brittany’s hair for the rest of practice. After practice, Rachel drove Quinn to get Janie and they got Peruvian food at Manny’s. They couldn’t get the song out of their heads and hummed it the entire way. Quinn and Jane got home before her parents did, and the day was as close to good as Quinn wanted it to be. It definitely went too fast.

\--

In December, the Glee club did Secret Santa again. Quinn got Tina, and she cajoled Brittany into telling her that Brittany got Matt. She convinced Finn and Puck into telling her that they got Mercedes and Kurt, respectively. Quinn begged Rachel to tell her who she got for Secret Santa, because Quinn was curious to find out who everyone got, but Rachel refused to tell her.

“Is it me?” Quinn asked. “You won’t tell me because you got me again this year?”

“No, Quinn. I won’t tell you because it defeats the purpose of Secret Santa.”

Quinn pouted. “But I want to know! Just tell me if you got me.”

Rachel crossed her arms. “I will not,” she said. “And anyway, I’m getting you a present regardless of whether or not I got you for Secret Santa, but I am not saying either way.”

“I got Tina,” Quinn said.

“You already told me that.”

“Come on,” Quinn whined. “Just tell me.”

Rachel raised an eyebrow. “Did you do this last year?”

Quinn shrugged. “I had other things to think about last year,” she said. She pulled Rachel toward her and tickled Rachel’s rib cage. Rachel squealed and squirmed away. “Come on, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t have much going on for me right now. Just tell me!”

“You’ll see.”

It’s a twenty dollar limit again, and Quinn was relieved for it.

The Secret Santa happened, and as it turned out, Brittany, Puck and Finn were lying when they told her who they got. Everything is a complete surprise and Quinn had to admit that was half the fun. It turned out it was Santana who got her for Secret Santa, and Santana gave her a $25 gift certificate to Macys.

“We’re old friends, so what’s an extra $5?” Santana asked dismissively, but it was exactly what Quinn needed to get a pair of tan boots that were on 75% mark off that week and Santana knew exactly how much Quinn had coveted those boots. Having a gift certificate from Macys’s also ensured that Quinn was unlikely to spend it on Janie. Since Quinn had discovered getting a baby really nice baby clothes was a waste, since they grew out of it so fast.

Everyone gave her presents for Janie and Quinn was just so very grateful that she was blessed with such good friends. It was the season to be thankful, and Quinn was grateful that she was healthy, her baby was healthy, her girlfriend was healthy and she had good friends who cared about her. Her life may not have been perfect, and had taken a huge unexpected detour, but she was thankful for it, nonetheless.

Christmas Eve and Christmas were considered family holidays in her house, which meant she couldn’t go to Rachel’s house Quinn had no idea why her parents wanted her home, it wasn’t like they talked to each other, but Quinn acquiesced. Her parents didn’t want Rachel to come over either, and Quinn couldn’t argue with that, considering they’d been more or less indifferent to Rachel coming over any other time.

It was just after midnight on Christmas morning. Quinn still considered that time to be Christmas Eve, and she was lying on her bed, her daughter sleeping on her chest. Her phone vibrated and it was Rachel.

”Come to your window”

Quinn sat up and gently placed Janie into her crib. She opened her window and saw Rachel standing beneath it. Rachel waved and Quinn waved back.

Rachel gestured upward with her index finger and then started climbing up the trellis.

Quinn’s eyes widened in alarm. When Rachel did this over the summer, it was the summer, and even then she’d practically had a heart attack. But this was December and things were icy.

Quinn opened the window. “Rachel!” she hissed. “Don’t you dare!”

Rachel ignored her and Quinn felt her anxiety rise.

“Rachel! Get down! It snowed last night.”

“But I have your Christmas present. Janie’s too,” Rachel whispered, as she continued to climb.

“Rachel, just give them to me later! Get down!” Quinn hissed.

Rachel looked up and smiled. “I told you,” she said. “I took gymnastics when I was a kid. I’m good at this. Calm down. I’m being care—“

Rachel slipped and Quinn couldn’t even shriek. Her eyes shut and she covered her mouth with both hands in horror. She looked down and fully expected to see something terrible, but instead she saw Rachel regain her balance and continue on her climb up.

Rachel reached her window and Quinn helped her in, practically yanking her inside.

Rachel chuckled quietly once she got inside, “See?” she asked in a whisper. “I am very agile.” She gently set down the bag she was carrying on her shoulder on the floor. It held Quinn and Jane’s Christmas presents, and she wanted to be careful.

Quinn slapped her hand on Rachel’s shoulder. “I told you to get down,” she snapped as quietly as she could. “What were you thinking?

Rachel pouted. “I wanted to see you.”

Quinn’s heart was still pounding. “You just scared the shit out of me! I told you it was too slippery for you to climb up! One of these days, you’re going to break your ass! You’re using the front door when you leave.”

“But your dad’s a light sleeper and would hear the front door if it opened.”

“I don’t care!” Quinn clutched her heart. “Rachel, don’t ever do that again. It was cute in July, it’s just crazy now.”

Rachel grinned at her. “You thought I was cute then?”

Quinn rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Are you 12?”

Rachel chuckled. “I just wanted to see you.” She smiled. “Did you not want to see me?”

“I wanted to see you,” Quinn said grudgingly. “You really get on my nerves, do you know that?”

“I do,” Rachel said. “It’s sort of my niche with you. If we were in a movie written by Diablo Cody, the audience would have seen this coming from the very beginning because of how much we disliked one another at first.” She kissed Quinn, just a quick peck on the lips.

Quinn shook her head. “You’re weird,” she declared affectionately. “Wait, you really didn’t like me?” she asked. “I thought it was just because of Finn.”

“I disliked you for a multitude of reasons,” Rachel said. “Including, but not limited to Finn.”

Quinn stared at Rachel. “You nearly break your neck coming to see me on Christmas to tell me this?” she asked.

“But I love you now,” Rachel pointed out, her voice sweet.

“Yeah, but you hated m—wait, you love me?”

Rachel shrugged. “You’re my girlfriend, Quinn. Of course I love you.”

“I know,” Quinn said. “But you…I mean, you never really said it to me before.”

Rachel looked at her quizzically. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Quinn said. “I would have remembered.”

Rachel’s gaze dropped and then she looked at Quinn shyly. “Well, I do,” she said. “I love you a lot.”

Quinn felt a lump rise in her throat. “Well, I love you a lot, too,” she said. She touched the back of her hand to Rachel’s cheek. It was still cold from being outside. “I’m sorry I got so mad at you for coming over. I just saw you slip and it really scared me.” Quinn brushed some snowflakes out of Rachel’s hair. “But I’m so glad to see you.”

“Merry Christmas, Quinn,” Rachel whispered. She stroked Quinn’s hair.

“You’re Jewish,” Quinn said softly. She leaned in closer to Rachel.

“So?” Rachel asked. “I can’t wish you a Merry Christmas? Will I burst into flames if I do, because I’m Jewish? After all, fires seem to be a Christmas tradition. Christmas trees are catching on fire all the time.”

“Shh,” Quinn said, her head bent slightly and she licked her lower lip before her lips met Rachel’s in a kiss.

\--

Year 2011

One Friday in January, Coach Sylvester and Karina, the new head of the team, approached her about rejoining the Cheerios after Carly Pratt fell off the top of the pyramid and the Cheerios need another member. Coach Sylvester promised she will convince Quinn’s parents. Quinn was elated. Coach Sylvester was dubious Quinn was capable of regaining her former physical conditioning, but Quinn was the only one in the school whom Coach Sylvester knew could learn everything in time for competitions. Quinn promised she will work extra hard. Quinn never minded waking up earlier and going to bed later for something she really wanted. When she told Rachel about it, her girlfriend sounded enthusiastic and told Quinn to go for it, that everything would work itself out.

Coach Sylvester’s only condition, however, was that Quinn demonstrate her loyalty is to  
the Cheerios, not to Glee. Quinn did leave this part out when she told Rachel. She could stay on Glee, but she needed to report on Glee like she used to. Quinn agreed to it, but felt guilty as she did, because Glee kids had been so kind to her. But she was desperate to regain her social standing, and more importantly, she desperately needed as many scholarship possibilities as possible. The better her grades were, the better the Cheerios were, the more competitions Glee won, the better the chances were that she and Jane could leave Lima after she graduated from high school. And anyway, she wasn’t really going to sabotage Glee, she loved it way too much.

By Sunday, her parents gave her permission to join the Cheerios.

On Monday morning, Karina approached her carrying an orange Slushie. Quinn winced and prepared for the worst when she saw it, but Karina didn’t throw it.

Karina smirked as she told Quinn that as far as the Cheerios were concerned, everything would be square if she would just Slushie Rachel Berry, just once, before first period. Some test of loyalty or whatever. Quinn felt her chest clench up, and she thought about how much she’d come to love Rachel, but then thought about how much she wanted to be back on the Cheerios. Not to be around the other girls or anything, but because she needed as many chances to get out of Lima as she could get.

Quinn hesitated, but then she did it. She just walked the hundred feet to her girlfriend, saw her girlfriend eye the Slushie with interest. Rachel didn’t even wince anymore when she saw a Slushie.

And then she hurled it in her girlfriend’s face.

Rachel stared at her in shock after it happened and Quinn would never forget the look on Rachel’s face as long as she lived. It wasn’t anger, or even hurt. It was a look of total disappointment, but also acceptance, like Rachel had been expecting that all along.

Rachel would give her that look a few more times over the years, and it would devastate Quinn each time.

The Cheerios laughed and high-fived Quinn, but Brittany and Santana were angry and didn’t talk to her for a week, and only gave in when they are forced to talk to her at cheer practice. They were definitely not in on it with Karina and the other Cheerios, and they didn’t seem to want to hear why it was done in the first place. They eventually become friends again, but they never quite regain their closeness while they’re in school, and Quinn would always wonder if it was because they felt she was an unreliable friend, someone who would turn on them just as easily. She didn’t blame them.

Santana took the act as a personal attack on her, because she interpreted it as an attack on Glee. Karina never expressed any remorse, and in fact, captured the entire thing on her video camera phone and would occasionally show it to people, long after the fact. Had Karina been smarter, it would have ended up on YouTube. Santana would wait six months to replace Karina’s hairspray (the girl always touched up her hair with nearly half a can of hairspray after Cheerio practice) with pink spray-on hair dye from Halloween. Karina was a very towheaded blonde, and the color would not wash out for three days, which forced Karina to go to the junior prom with pink hair.

But on that day, Quinn had to deal with the reactions of her friends, and more importantly, her girlfriend. Puck approached her during lunch to specifically call her a bitch, Finn just shook his head and asked her if he ever really knew her at all and pointed out that it was Rachel who took the initiative to make sure Quinn always had a ride to school and back. As if Quinn needed a reminder, as if Quinn didn’t know she’d sold out her girlfriend for a place on the Cheerios.

The other Glee kids actively ignored her for two weeks, but once again, they were just too genuinely sweet to be capable of completely ostracizing her. Kurt was blunt, but sweet when he told her she would regret being such a sheep one day (and she really did, too), Mercedes informed her that if Quinn ever did that to her, or anyone else again, Quinn would lose feeling in her butt, Artie just gave her a look like he pitied her and Tina told her Rachel would never have done that to her, peer pressure or not.

She didn’t see Rachel the entire day, even though they shared classes and despite Quinn’s best efforts to find her. She didn’t expect Rachel to be in the pottery room or something, but she thought she would have seen Rachel somewhere, like in the four classes they shared together. By the end of the school day, Quinn felt like the world’s worst person.

Rachel slipped into Glee practice at the last moment, and took a seat as far away from Quinn as possible, but when they practiced the choreography for Sectionals, Rachel didn’t ignore her when they had to link arms as part of their routine, but she didn’t look at her either. Quinn took a tiny bit of hope in that, because Rachel could have just ignored her.

After Glee practice that day, it was Rachel’s turn to make sure Quinn gets home. Mike offered to do it instead, because he picked Quinn and Jane up from the Fabray house that morning and Jane’s car seat was still in his car, but Rachel politely declined because it was her responsibility. They got Jane’s car seat and Quinn and Rachel were off.

Quinn attempted to talk to Rachel as they drove to Helping Hands to pick up Jane, but Rachel was quiet and difficult to engage. Rachel didn’t not ignore Quinn, exactly, but she didn’t seem all that keen to be around Quinn either. Quinn made repeated attempts to speak to her and to apologize, and Rachel acknowledged them with little sounds or shrugs, but never actually said anything.

“I’m so sorry,” Quinn said. “I’m so so so sorry. Please forgive me. Please just talk to me! I’ll do anything you tell me to do, I promise. Just talk to me. I’ll do anything.”

When they pulled into the parking lot at Helping Hands, Rachel parked and turned off the car. She turned to look at Quinn. “Go get Janie, and I’ll take you guys home.”

“Rachel, wait. I just want you to understand—”

“I don’t really want to hear it, Quinn.” The words were sharp, but Rachel’s tone was mild. Too mild.

Quinn had come to recognize different levels of Rachel’s anger--when she was a little angry, she made a few sharp comments in sharp tones and flounced out of the room. When she was mild to moderately angry, she actively plotted vengeance on a scale that other people associated with Holy Wars. When she was severely angry, Rachel was mild, but completely resolute. When she was severely angry, Rachel was capable of erasing bloodlines, and smiling at you as she did it. Quinn was terrified that she was about to be rubbed out of Rachel’s life.

“I know you may not believe me,” Quinn said softly. “But I love you, I love you so much. And I’m so sorry. Can we…can we just go somewhere and talk for a while? Let me explain. I’ll…I’ll do anything.”

“Just get Janie, Quinn.”

“Rach, please. I know I’m awful and you must think I’m such a weakling. But please just listen to me. Just give me a chance and—“

“I really don’t want to hear it,” Rachel said quietly. “I don’t expect a lot from you, but I expected more than that. Don’t let it happen again. So just get out and get Jane, so I can take you home.”

Quinn found it hard to breathe and it hurt so much to hear how little Rachel expected from her, and how she’d failed to meet even those minute expectations. She desperately wanted to plead for understanding and forgiveness, to swear that, of course it would never happen again, but she also understood how little that would mean to Rachel at that moment. So she got out of the car to get her daughter. When she came back to the car, Rachel acted like nothing had ever happened and Rachel drove them home.

They didn’t break up, at least not necessarily in words. Rachel didn’t ignore her, but her attitude toward Quinn chilled. Rachel didn’t initiate contact anymore, didn’t call or text or suggest to hang out. She stopped showing up to the pottery room, even though Quinn went there every day, hoping that Rachel would show up. She stopped coming over to the house after Glee practice, and even her mother and father commented on it, and wondered where Rachel was.

Rachel still gave Quinn and Jane rides, she was still cordial and nice, and when Quinn talked to her, Rachel always talked back, although not the way Quinn wished Rachel would. Rachel didn’t ignore her the way Quinn thought she would. Rachel was nice to her, but the affection seemed to have disappeared. Quinn didn’t get the impression Rachel was withholding it. It just seemed to be gone. Rachel wasn’t sweet to her anymore, she was just polite. Rachel just seemed to stop acknowledging they were in a relationship.

She didn’t even feel like she had the right to even ask if they have broken up or if Rachel just needed time to cool down, the answer just seemed so obvious. Their relationship had just started and now it was over. It didn’t seem fair, but Quinn knew she only had herself to blame.

She sulked for two weeks, two weeks where she sent multiple daily text messages to Rachel that weren’t returned and phone calls that are unreturned. In the classes they shared, Rachel stopped looking over at her and there were no more notes to be passed and giggled over. There were so many days when one of their teachers would say something ridiculous or hilarious, and they would share a glance and a smile. That was over now. Rachel still talked to her, but it was hyper cordial and any time Quinn tried to apologize and explain herself, Rachel didn’t react to it at all. It seemed hopeless, but Quinn just couldn’t bring herself to give up, even when she knew Rachel had every right to unceremoniously dump her.

She needed a gesture. Something big and grand, something to make Rachel smile at her the way she used to. She needed something that would make Rachel look at her the way she used to. That was the worst part of it, the way Rachel looked at her like she was a stranger, like she didn’t know her. And anytime Quinn came near her, Rachel always winced. It just killed Quinn to see the way that Rachel looked at her now. There wasn’t affection or love, but there was suspicion and hostility. It wasn’t just a few steps back, their relationship was worse than it’d ever been, even when they disliked each other.

She needed a gesture, but Quinn didn’t have the money or freedom she used to, and so her options were severely limited. It wasn’t like she could shower Rachel with jewelry, chocolate and flowers. She didn’t know what to do, but she needed to do something and soon. Already she saw Puck circling Rachel, the way he always did making his interest in her so apparent. Rachel generally gently pushed him away, so that he never even knew why he was getting shot down, but things had changed now and Rachel always had a soft spot for him.

Quinn needed to do something, and she needed to do it quick.


	7. Chapter 7

The first week after the Slushie attack, Rachel was still boiling with rage that she couldn’t express, which was a little frightening for her, because she’d usually been able to put her emotions into words before. When she couldn’t put her emotions into words, she usually had a song that could do it for her. But she was just so angry, she was enraged and she really had no way to express it, not in words, not in song, not even in thought. So, she got up an extra hour earlier to spend more time on her exercise routine, she put up more videos on MySpace (her songs tended to lean toward mournful break-up songs which she knew was probably too apparent, but she didn’t care) and she just went about her normal routine. She went to class, she studied, she went to Glee practice, she went home. She went out with Noah platonically a few times during that week, and when he called Quinn a bitch and told her not to take Quinn too seriously, Rachel didn’t have the energy to tell him not to call Quinn names.

Quinn tried to talk to her constantly, and Rachel was polite to her, but she didn’t want to talk about what happened either. If Quinn got her talking about what happened, Rachel knew she would definitely lose her temper and say things she would regret. She had just enough control of her temper not to say anything; but she didn’t have the energy to stuff it down if Quinn kept pushing the issue, which mercifully, Quinn seemed to understand not to do.

The second week after the Slushie attack, Rachel stopped being angry, but was definitely depressed about the whole thing. She wondered how she let Quinn get so far under her skin, that she never even saw it coming. For God’s sake, she cringed when she even saw a Slushie on TV, she should have just ducked when she saw it.

She berated herself for falling in love, because she truly did fall in love and now she was hurt, depressed and angry, which were all so ridiculously cliché ways to feel. Quinn continued her attempts to talk to her, but by that time, Rachel felt too depressed and defeated to be angry about it, so she just listlessly muttered something about not wanting to talk, and Quinn left her alone.

It was hard to even get out of bed, and Rachel wondered if she was coming down with something, because she felt listless and lethargic. She did her best to conceal it from her fathers, and she tried not to let it impact school or Glee, because she sort of hated herself a little bit for being so sad about the whole thing. Getting Slushied wasn’t exactly a new experience for her, and she’d always been able to shake it off before.

On the Monday of the third week, it was Rachel’s turn to pick up Quinn and Jane and she found herself wishing she could be anywhere else. Rachel parked in front of Quinn’s house and honked the horn. She got out of the car and opened the backseat, so that Quinn would have an easier time getting Janie’s car seat inside. Quinn came out within a few seconds, carrying Jane in the car seat. Rachel waved in acknowledgment and got into the car again. Normally, she would wait outside with Quinn while she got Jane inside, but Rachel preferred less contact with Quinn these days.

Quinn secured Janie into the car and then got into the passenger seat.

“Hi,” Quinn said softly.

“Hi,” Rachel said. She could feel Quinn’s eyes on her and she gripped the steering wheel a little harder. She always felt Quinn’s eyes on her now, and it was unfamiliarly unwelcome.

“It’s cold today, huh?”

“It’s January, and we live in Ohio.”

Quinn sighed and went silent, and Rachel was relieved.

They were at a stoplight, just a mile away from Helping Hands when Quinn spoke again.

“Are you ever going to look me in the face again?” Quinn asked softly.

“I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about, Quinn.”

“I’ll do anything you want, just look at me again,” Quinn pleaded. “You just… you never look at me anymore,” she whispered.

“I do look at you, Quinn. I see you almost every day.”

“Rachel—”

“We’re here,” Rachel said flatly. She was glad when they arrived, because it would mean she could have a few minutes away from Quinn. She was uncomfortable, she was angry, she was depressed, but most of all, she was just weary. She wished Quinn would just stop talking to her. “You better get Janie inside.”

Quinn swallowed hard. “Okay,” she said softly.

Quinn got out of the car and took Janie inside and Rachel waited, staring straight ahead. She cursed herself for being so stupid, so weak, that even now, she was still trying to make sure that Quinn was taken care of. She hated herself for even still caring. She wasn’t a punching bag, for God’s sake.

Quinn got back into Rachel’s car and Rachel turned to give her a remote smile. She couldn’t bring herself to be actively mean to Quinn by outright ignoring her, but she didn’t want to encourage conversation with Quinn either, so she didn’t say anything before putting the car into drive and making their way to school.

“Rachel,” Quinn said softly. “Tell me you don’t love me anymore and I’ll--” she faltered. “I’ll stop,” she said. “I’ll leave you alone. I understand if you…don’t want to be around me anymore. But just tell me,” she pleaded.

Rachel desperately wanted to say it, but she couldn’t lie to Quinn, either. “I can’t say that,” she admitted, heaving a deep sigh that felt like it was coming from within her bones.

“Rachel, please look at me.”

Once they came to a stop light, Rachel sighed and looked at Quinn who was looking at her so hopefully it made Rachel’s chest clench, just a little. “What, Quinn?

“I love you,” Quinn said softly.

Rachel bit the inside of her cheek, suppressing the urge to snap at Quinn. “I don’t believe you,” Rachel said, looking away.

“Rach--”

“Please,” Rachel pleaded. “Just stop”

“But--”

Rachel turned to her and touched Quinn’s cheek. “I know you’re sorry. We’ll still be friends, just give me some time, okay? Getting together the way we did, it was just a bad idea, but we should still be friends.”

“Rachel, don’t say that! It wasn’t a bad idea, it was--”

“We’re still friends, right, Quinn?”

Quinn was stung. “Just friends?” she whispered.

“I don’t know,” Rachel said honestly. “Maybe. So, if you meet someone, I would go for it, if I were you, Quinn.”

“What are you trying to tell me?” Quinn asked, her eyes wide.

Rachel crossed her arms over her chest and stared at the floor of the car. “I love you,” she said softly. “But I’m not so sure this…I’m not sure I can do this, Quinn. And I’m not going to expect you to wait until I make up my mind.”

The light changed, and Rachel was glad that interminable stoplight was done with.

“So what you’re telling me is that we’re done,” Quinn said.

Rachel avoided looking at Quinn. “I’m just saying if you meet someone you like, you--”

“Who the hell am I going to meet?” Quinn demanded. “What do you think of me?” She took a deep calming breath. “I don’t want to be with anyone else, I want to be with you.”

“I’m sorry,” Rachel mumbled. She had no idea what she wanted. She was furious with Quinn, but she also loved Quinn. But she didn’t expect the blonde to just wait around while she figured it out, because she was honestly not sure she ever would.

Rachel smiled tenderly and reached for Quinn’s hand. She gave it a gentle squeeze. “But we’ll always be good friends. I really do love you, Quinn.”

“Oh,” Quinn whispered. “Okay,” she said, taking in a deep breath. “If that’s what you want. Okay.” She smiled shakily at Rachel. “I don’t want anyone else. I want you. So I’m going to wait. I’m so sorry I hurt you, but you can trust me. I love you, Rachel. I’m not lying about that. I can wait until you figure it out, and I promise I’ll just…whatever you want, I’ll accept it. But I’m going to wait until you do.”

Quinn sounded so hurt, it took every ounce of willpower for Rachel not to take it back, but she wasn’t about to trust Quinn again, and she wasn’t going to put Quinn’s feelings above her own anymore.

They arrived at the school parking lot, and Rachel pulled in. She turned the car off, and was silent for just a moment before she spoke.

“I don’t want you to wait,” Rachel said quietly. “I think you should move on. I don’t think that would ever be a problem for you. There are a lot of people who--”

“Please don’t say that,” Quinn pleaded. “I’m going to prove myself to you, I swear.”

Rachel gave her a faltering smile. “I’ll see you later.”

They went their separate ways to their first period classes. They had four classes in common, and each of those classes was torturous for Rachel. Quinn was just too close, and always, she could feel the weight of Quinn’s gaze on her. It was unwelcome now, and it felt so unfamiliar for it to be unwelcome.

That Friday, they won at Sectionals, but the win wasn’t as joyous as it was last year. Nothing was quite as joyous as it used to be. She tried not to be obvious about it, and no one knew about her relationship with Quinn, so she had no one she could talk to about it. Not that she really wanted to talk about it. She was just so embarrassed, and even though everyone took her side, she knew she looked like an idiot, just standing there and gaping at Quinn. She had been Slushied enough times to know to duck, if possible, or at the very least close her eyes when a Slushie was near. But it’d been a while since she had been Slushied, and she certainly never expected it from Quinn. But the point was, she should have known.

She wanted to be the better person and be as nice to Quinn as possible. It wasn’t a “kill them with kindness” thing, which Rachel thought was ridiculous. It was just that even with everything, she didn’t want to make Quinn’s life more difficult than necessary. And she loved Quinn too much to be outright cruel to her. Rachel knew she should just break up with Quinn, and make things clean, even if it hurt. But she just couldn’t bring herself to do it, and that was much crueler than if she just broke it off. She just couldn’t help herself either way.

It was all just kind of depressing. What was so wrong with her that her own girlfriend would find being a Cheerio to be preferable to not throwing a Slushie in her face? And Rachel could sort of understand it, she knew how badly Quinn needed to have as many scholarship possibilities as possible, but Quinn didn’t even warn her. She would have gladly taken a Slushie to the face, even on a day when it was freezing outside, she was wearing a skirt and she’d forgotten her damn coat at home, so all she had was a damn sweater. She just couldn’t get over the fact that she would have happily taken a Slushie to the face if Quinn had just asked. God, she felt like an idiot.

Rachel somberly came to the conclusion that there was just something wrong with her. She wasn’t popular, her own mother had only the faintest of interest in her and her fucking girlfriend was all too happy to throw a Slushie in her face if it meant a spot back on the Cheerios. She was tired of being a damn consolation prize, or the not-quite good enough thing that people just settled for, until something better and more desirable came along. Rachel knew there was something wrong with her, but she didn’t think there was something so wrong with her that she couldn’t find someone who wouldn’t Slushie her in the face. She knew Quinn was sorry, but there had to be someone, somewhere, anywhere, who wouldn’t throw a damn Slushie in her face.

She couldn’t look at Quinn without becoming upset, and her feelings just got hurt all over again. She couldn’t talk to Quinn without becoming thoroughly depressed. She couldn’t think about Quinn without wanting to cry. All of that meant she should just break things off with Quinn and never speak to her again outside of Glee, but she couldn’t bring herself to do that, which made her hate herself and becoming even more depressed. Where was her pride?

The night they won at Sectionals, the other Glee kids were thrilled and happy, and Rachel didn’t begrudge them their happiness. She knew that in different circumstances, she would be just as happy. She was definitely the stand-out tonight, and she knew it, too, but that didn’t make her happy. Her fathers found her and hugged her and told her how proud they were of her. She hugged them, thanked them and took their flowers gratefully, but she sent the home after taking a few pictures. Her dads wanted a group photograph, and all the other parents who showed up, rushed to chime in their agreement.

Rachel found herself standing next to Quinn in that photograph and she rushed to get away as soon as all the parents took the pictures, but Quinn put her hand on Rachel’s back. Rachel turned to look at her.

“I have to leave with my parents right now,” Quinn said softly, gesturing with her head to where Mr. and Mrs. Fabray were standing. Mrs. Fabray was holding Janie and Rachel couldn’t stop herself from waving.

Mr. and Mrs. Fabray looked solemn, but Rachel saw the hint of pride in both their faces, and she softened, just a little. In later years, Rachel would continue to have problems with the way they treated Quinn, but she also knew they loved Quinn. They just had truly shitty ways of showing it, and they really weren’t nice people.

“Brittany, Santana, Mercedes and Tina are coming over for a while,” Quinn said. “Will you come, too?”

Rachel knew that Matt, Mike, Kurt, Artie and Finn were having their own get-together at Artie’s house, but she already had plans with Noah.

“I can’t,” Rachel said, “I have plans already.” She gave Quinn a small smile, the best she could manage. She touched Quinn’s arm. “Another time though, okay?”

Quinn stared at Rachel’s hand on her arm, and then looked back at Rachel. She was clearly disappointed by Rachel’s response, but she smiled back. “Promise?”

“Yeah,” Rachel said softly. “I promise.”

She moved away from Quinn and approached her dads. She sent them home with the promise that she will be home soon and then she walked over to say hello to Mrs. Puckerman and little Sarah Puckerman.

She knew Mrs. Puckerman liked her, and she liked Mrs. Puckerman, too. Mrs. Puckerman congratulated her on a job well done, and they made some idle conversation before Mrs. Puckerman and Sarah went off to see Jane for a while.

Rachel was left with Noah, who held his arm out to her. Rachel grinned at him and linked her arm with his. “What have you got planned for me?” she asked.

“I’ll have to show you.”

\--

Rachel thought Noah would have something…well, sort of sleazy planned for her, but he was actually a complete gentleman. He really wasn’t a sleazy sort of guy, at least, not with her. He still made a few mean comments now and then, but it was no longer as mean-spirited as it used to be. On the whole, Noah was a nicer, softer guy than he used to be, but he was still a teenaged boy, so Rachel thought he would try something after their win at Sectionals. But he didn’t. He took her to Manny’s for Peruvian, which was one of her favorite restaurants. She still considered it to be her restaurant with Quinn, but she’d taken him a couple weeks before in a moment of weakness and he’d loved it.

They ate a late dinner, drove around Lima for a while, and then stopped at Wertz Hills to look at the view of the city. They talked for a few hours and then he drove her home.

She thought about dropping by Quinn’s house, because the other girls were likely to still be there, but she just couldn’t muster up the energy.

\--

On the Monday after their win, Rachel was able to avoid making eye contact with Quinn for most of the morning, but then their AP English teacher paired them up for a class assignment and Rachel had no choice but to sit across from Quinn. The assignment was to write a play in the vein of the existentialists and/or absurdists since they were studying plays like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, Waiting for Godot and Rhinoceros. Rachel was exasperated their teacher would pair them up when she least wanted to be paired up.

They needed to work on it in class, but it was actually due in three weeks, which meant that they had to work on it outside of school, too. That meant they could either do it in the school library, at her house or Quinn’s house. She didn’t like the school library-- there was something wrong with that place. All the old books stirred up her allergies, and she hadn’t had an allergy problem since she was ten. That left Quinn’s house or her own, and she wasn’t sure which possibility was worse. If she went to Quinn’s house, then she would technically be on Quinn’s turf, but the Fabray house sort of gave her the creeps. It just felt so oppressive and tense, and she always worried for Quinn and Jane to have to stay there. But having Quinn come to her house just made her feel raw and exposed. She didn’t used to before, but it was just that Quinn had really hurt her feelings and she just felt so betrayed.

“Are you free tonight?” Rachel asked. “We should get started on it as soon as possible so we can be done with it.”

“Yeah,” Quinn said. “Do…do you want to come over?”

Rachel smiled faintly. She definitely did not want to go. She could be bitchy and say the truth, but she didn’t want to go there. “Sure,” Rachel said. “I’ll ask your parents tonight if it would be okay for you to come over to my house next time though. Maybe tomorrow.”

Quinn looked eager. “That would be really good,” she said. “I’m totally free tomorrow, too. Anything you want, Rachel.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want to come over for dinner?” Quinn asked. “My parents actually like you, so...”

“I can’t,” Rachel said. “Dad’s out of town, and Daddy will be lonely without him. I’ll come by after dinner.”

“Okay,” Quinn said softly, her disappointment visible.

Rachel squelched the urge to make Quinn feel better.

They discussed various plotlines and subject matter, but they were at a loss. It was harder than either of them thought.

\--

Rachel came over and Quinn greeted her happily. Rachel had to smile at the way Quinn was carrying Janie in the Snuggly she got Jane for Christmas.

“Hello gorgeous,” Rachel greeted Jane. She touched Jane’s cheek. She glanced around. “Where are your parents?”

“They went for a walk around the neighborhood, they’ll be back soon.”

“Oh,” Rachel said. “Okay, do you want to get to work?”

“Yeah,” Quinn said. “Let’s go to my room.”

Rachel followed Quinn and took a seat at Quinn’s desk. “So what should we do?”

“I’m not sure,” Quinn admitted. “I didn’t like any of the idea we had during class.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

They brainstormed for a while, and Rachel wrote them all down, but didn’t particularly like any of the ideas. She wished they could just think of one and then they could be done with it. But she still wanted the best grade possible, so Rachel supposed that meant she couldn’t rush the assignment, no matter how much she wished she could.

After about thirty minutes of actual work, Quinn hesitantly called out Rachel’s name.

“Rachel?”

“Yes?”

“You’re not going to forgive me, are you?” she whispered.

Rachel closed her eyes and sighed. “Let’s just get through this, Quinn,” she said.

“I didn’t want to push you,” Quinn said, tears making her eyes shiny. “But you don’t even talk to me if it isn’t related to school or Glee. You barely even looked at me all night. What can I do to make you believe I’m sorry? What can I do? I’ll do it, just tell me what to do,” Quinn begged.

Rachel kept her eyes shut the entire time Quinn spoke, but she finally opened her eyes and smiled at Quinn. “I believe you, okay? You don’t need to do anything. I know you’re sorry,” she said. “It’s already forgiven. Can we get back to work now?”

“But--”

“Just…let’s get back to work, okay?”

“Okay,” Quinn said softly.

Not too long after that, Mrs. Fabray came into the room without knocking. She looked around suspiciously, but only saw Quinn sitting on the bed and Rachel sitting in a chair at the desk. Mrs. Fabray seemed to relax after that.

“Hi, Mrs. Fabray,” Rachel said. “How are you?”

“Hello, Rachel. I’m well. How are you? We haven’t seen much of you lately.”

Rachel smiled. “I’m very good, thank you. I’ve just been very busy. Thank you for letting me come over to do the assignment here. The dust in the library activates my allergies.”

Mrs. Fabray gave Rachel a brief smile. “You’re welcome.”

“Do you think Quinn can come over to my house tomorrow? I’d hate to keep taking up space here. You can talk to my father and Quinn would be home by…” Rachel looked at Quinn. “I don’t know, what time do you think? Nine?”

Quinn nodded. “Yeah, that sounds right.”

Mrs. Fabray shrugged. “I’ll give your father a call,” she said. “But that sounds fine.”

“Thank-you,” Rachel said politely.

“Thanks mom,” Quinn said.

Amanda Fabray nodded at both of them and left.

“Thanks,” Quinn said softly.

“Yeah,” Rachel said.

Rachel tried to focus on the assignment for the rest of the night, but when it was time to go home, she was relieved she could stop making such the effort.

\--

The next day during practice, Mr. Schuester asked for some recommendations for some songs and everyone groaned. It was only the Tuesday after their win at Sectionals, and everyone was inclined to take a break.

But Quinn spoke up.

“I have an idea,” she said softly.

Rachel chose not to look at Quinn, although everyone else did.

Mr. Schuester, encouraging as ever, grinned. “Great!” he exclaimed. “Come down, Quinn. Do you have some sheet music?”

She nodded and got up to hand the sheet music over to Earl, the piano player. Rachel met Quinn’s eyes for just a moment to smile encouragingly, but then dropped her gaze to the ground. Earl cued the music and Quinn started to sing

“Goodbye my love,” Quinn sang, “I’ll be seeing you when the lights go.”

It was a Diane Birch song, which Rachel thought suited Quinn’s voice really well. It was also one of Rachel’s favorite songs. As Quinn continued to sing, Rachel felt the urge to bolt from the room as soon as possible, but instead she just stared down at the ground and looked at her shoes.

“What makes the price good enough to pay? What makes the hurt go away? Fire escape, when all I can do is ache,” Quinn sang.

Rachel clenched her jaw and tried not to sigh. She felt Quinn’s eyes upon her, but she was determined not to meet them.

Quinn finished her song and Rachel clapped along with everyone else, but she left the room as quickly as she could when Glee was over. Kurt was taking Quinn home that day, and Rachel didn’t see a reason why she should stay. She had to pick up her parents’ dry cleaning, so she wanted to leave right after practice anyway.

Quinn was coming over to her house after dinner, so that meant Rachel had a few hours where she had time to think.

\--

Noah called her while she was on her way home and asked her to come over, because his sister, Sarah wanted to see her. Rachel thought Sarah was adorable and sweet, and one of the reasons she grew to like Noah was because she saw the patient way he treated his sister. He was also a good dad to Janie, maybe he wasn’t the guy paying for every little thing, but once Janie was born, he worked even harder to make sure he wasn’t a deadbeat. By the time Rachel got there, Mrs. Puckerman was home, and she didn’t bother correcting Mrs. Puckerman when she assumed once again that she was dating Noah. Noah’s mom invited her to dinner, but she declined and then Noah’s mom went into the kitchen to get dinner started.

They hung out for a while, but she knew she had to get home soon. Dad was out of town, and Daddy was having drinks and dinner with a client, so she wanted to eat something quickly before Quinn came over. She said goodbye to Mrs. Puckerman and Sarah and then got ready to leave.

“They’re having the Valentine’s Dance in a couple weeks,” Noah commented as he walked her to the door. “Are you going?”

Rachel winced inwardly. She and Quinn had talked about it, but they decided it was unlikely Quinn’s parents would give permission, so they agreed not to go. And anyway, it wasn’t like they could be very open about the fact they were together in their high school, considering how inclined the students were to Slushie other students. They had plans to hang out that night, but that was all in the past.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Rachel said.

“We spent last Valentine’s Day together,” Noah said. “Want to hang out?”

Rachel thought about how much happened in that intervening year. Now she was just sad again. “Maybe,” she said with a shrug. “Anyway, I have to go. Quinn’s coming over to my house soon to work on that project for English.”

“I can’t believe Grossman paired you guys together.”

Rachel shrugged again. “It doesn’t matter. Anyway, I should go.” She stood on her tiptoe and kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

He smiled at her. “Yeah.”

Rachel opened the door to find Quinn standing on Noah’s doorstep.

Rachel’s eyes widened. “What are you doing here?

The moment she said it, she felt stupid. Quinn was holding Janie, which meant that the Puckermans would have Jane for a while. There was no formal custody or visitation agreement, and Noah didn’t get to have Jane weekly or anything, but he had her a couple times a month, at least. This must have been one of those times.

“What are you?” Quinn asked quietly.

“It’s the most beautiful girl in the world!” Noah gasped in an uncharacteristically cheery voice. He reached for Jane, who already had her arms waving out to him.

Quinn passed Jane to Puck and he gave her a brief look but then gazed at his daughter.

“Hello, beautiful,” he said, nuzzling her nose.

Jane smiled and her tiny hand reached out to touch his cheek.

Rachel smiled at them. She stroked Janie’s cheek. “Hello, baby,” she cooed. “It’s so good to see you.” She touched Noah’s shoulder. “I can’t believe how big she’s gotten.”

He smiled at her. “I know.”

“Here,” Quinn said, interrupting awkwardly. She held out Janie’s diaper bag.

Rachel took it on Noah’s behalf and set it on the ground next to the door. “Anyway,” she said. “I should go. I’ll see you at school tomorrow,” she told Noah. “Bye Janie,” she said, her voice going up an octave. “I’ll see you soon, beautiful.”

She was gratified to see Jane laugh. She turned to Quinn. “You can come over after you’re done here,” she said. She passed Quinn at the threshold of the door, and they exchanged a long glance.

“She’s already eaten,” Quinn told Puck softly. “Bring her back after the weekend?”

“Yeah,” he said. “See you tomorrow.” He closed the door.

Quinn ran after Rachel, who was already walking to her car.

“Rachel, wait.” Quinn said.

Rachel sighed and stopped. She turned around. “Yes, Quinn?”

“Why were you here?” Quinn asked quietly.

Rachel released a long, exasperated sigh and rolled her eyes. She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “He’s my friend, Quinn.”

“But--“

Rachel frowned at Quinn. “You have the problem with Noah, not me.” She glanced around. “Did you walk here?” she asked. “With Janie?”

Quinn shrugged. “It’s not that far away, it’s only a couple blocks.”

Rachel scowled. “I would have picked you up,” she said. “You didn’t have to bring Jane out in this cold.”

Quinn glared. “I know you’re mad at me, but don’t tell me how to be a mother. She’s my daughter, not yours.”

Rachel sighed. She didn’t want to fight with Quinn, and she particularly didn’t want to fight about this. She didn’t know the first thing about being a mother. “Come on,” she said. “You’re going to my house anyway, I’ll give you a ride.”

Quinn looked at her hopefully. “Really?” she asked.

Rachel raised her eyebrows. “We’re going to the same place,” she said. “It doesn’t make sense to make you walk.” She paused. “Unless that’s what you want.” She peered at Quinn. “What were you going to do anyway?”

“I was just going to ask Puck,” she admitted. “You really don’t mind?”

“No.”

“Thanks, Rachel,” Quinn said.

They got into Rachel’s car and out of sheer habit, Quinn reached into Rachel’s purse to pull out Rachel’s iPod to plug into the auxiliary plug in the stereo.

Rachel stared at her.

“Sorry,” Quinn said, withdrawing her hand. “It was…I mean, I was just so used to--”

“Yeah,” Rachel said. She was upset, but she chose not to say anything. She knew Quinn didn’t mean anything by it, that it really was just out of habit, but Quinn was no longer entitled to just freely roaming through her personal belongings anymore.

They drove to Rachel’s house in silence. Once they got inside, Rachel spoke again.

“Did you eat dinner already? Are you hungry?”

Rachel had not eaten dinner yet, but she wasn’t hungry anymore either, and was fine with skipping dinner until Quinn left. But she didn’t want Quinn to go hungry if she was hungry. It didn’t really matter anymore, Quinn wasn’t pregnant, so she no longer had a ravenous appetite the way she had whilst pregnant with Jane.

“I’m okay,” Quinn said. “Should we get to work?”

“Yeah,” Rachel said “We can go to my room.”

They still had no idea what to write for the class assignment and Rachel cursed the ridiculousness of it. When would they ever write a play in the vein of the absurdists and existentialists? She was going to make it on Broadway, not write the plays for some off-Broadway community theatre. Every time they thought of something, it was just a knock-off of something they read in class. It was a horrible class assignment and if they didn’t come up with something within a few hours, Rachel was going to talk to the teacher about revising the assignment, because it was just too stupid. She didn’t care when things were too hard, she liked challenges, but she hated to waste her time.

In exasperated frustration, Rachel hurled her pen at her wall. “I hate this assignment,” she griped. “Hate. Hate. Hate.”

They were both sitting on her bed and Rachel felt her blood pressure rise. She hated this assignment, it’d come at the worst possible time.

“It’s not so bad,” Quinn said quietly. “And at least we can do it in pairs.”

Rachel kept quiet. She did not want to point out that was the part she found the most difficult to bear. “Yeah,” Rachel said, her voice tight. “I guess.”

“But you don’t want to be around me,” Quinn said quietly.

Rachel sighed. “Quinn…”

Even after everything, she didn’t want to hurt Quinn’s feelings by confirming that she didn’t want to be around Quinn. But on the other hand, she still loved Quinn and it wasn’t like she wanted Quinn to be excommunicated from her life or anything. It was just uncomfortable being around her now.

“Today at practice, I sang that song for you,” Quinn said.

“I kind of thought so,” Rachel admitted.

“But you didn’t talk to me, you didn’t say anything,” Quinn said.

“I wasn’t sure what to say,” Rachel confessed.

“I don’t know what I can do anymore,” Quinn said softly. “I don’t know what I can say. I’m sorry, Rachel. I’m so sorry. I’ll do anything. I’ll quit the Cheerios--”

“Oh, so rejoining the Cheerios was so important to you that you’d throw a Slushie in my face, but you’re so willing to quit for me now?” Rachel demanded. Her very tenuous grip on her temper was slipping.

“It’s not like that,” Quinn pleaded. “You mean more to me than they do. I was just so so desperate to be a Cheerio again, and you know I need to work twice as hard as I used to because I really need to find a way to get to college, and I don’t think my parents are going to pay for it. I’m so sorry for what I did. But the Cheerios aren’t more important to me than you. You--”

“Don’t quit the Cheerios,” Rachel said sharply. She did understand where Quinn was coming from, she really did. It was more just the shock of it. And maybe she was never going to be the girl who the quarterback looked at, or the girl that all the boys (and girls) wanted, and she was okay with that. But she wasn’t okay with being the girl you could date and tell you love her and then throw a Slushie in her face the next day. She didn’t want to be that girl.

Quinn swallowed hard and moved closer to Rachel.

Rachel winced and moved away. “Quinn.”

“If we’d slept together, would you have loved me more?” Quinn asked. “Would it be easier to forgive me?”

Rachel’s eyes widened. “What?” she demanded, her voice rising in shock.

Quinn started to cry and she became increasingly more hysterical. “Would you love me more if we…” she trailed off, but she moved closer to Rachel. Her hand reached down to unbutton her jeans. “I’ll do anything,” she pleaded.

“No, no. Stop.” Rachel said, reaching down to grab Quinn’s hands. “Stop it.”

Quinn wrapped her arms around Rachel’s neck. “I want to,” she whispered. “You’re the only one I want to…do that with. It supposed to bring people closer together. And maybe if we’d just done it before, you would—”

“Quinn,” Rachel said urgently, pulling herself away, although Quinn put up a struggle to hold on. She held Quinn’s face in her hands. “That wouldn’t have changed anything. It didn’t matter to me. It was more important to you that we didn’t than it was important to me that we did, if that makes sense. Stop this right now.”

“But I’m ready now,” Quinn pleaded. “And you wanted to, and I want to be with you. If we sleep together, will it make you love me again? Will it be easier for you to forgive me? Because Rachel, when I said I would do anything, I really meant it. And I know you wanted to, so--”

“Stop,” Rachel whispered. This wasn’t who she knew Quinn to be. Quinn didn’t beg, not for anything and certainly not like this. “Listen to me, okay?” she asked, peering deeply into Quinn’s eyes. “I just love you. And you can’t do anything to make me love you more. That wouldn’t have changed anything, not then, not now, not ever.”

“But I can do something to make you love me less,” Quinn said softly.

“No,” Rachel confessed. She gave Quinn a weak smile. “That’s why I’m the idiot here,” she said quietly. “You didn’t want to, and that was okay with me, because I loved you. I don’t want this.”

“Then tell me what you do want,” Quinn pleaded.

“I don’t know,” Rachel admitted. She pulled away from Quinn.

The truth was, she was so angry with Quinn, that it was a little frightening and she didn’t like that feeling. Of course, she’d been angry before. Rachel has been mad enough that she wanted to spit, but this was a whole different kind of anger. This was the kind of anger that she had no idea what to do with. She went from angry to depressed to angry again, every time she saw Quinn. There were days where she swore she’d be capable of hitting Quinn, if Quinn tried to talk to her for one more second, and then there were days when she was so depressed that she felt like it didn’t matter, what the hell, might as well get back together.

“Do you really believe it was a bad idea for us to get together in the first place?” Quinn asked, her voice very small.

Rachel sighed and smiled regretfully. “Does it matter now?”

“Yes,” Quinn said emphatically. “Do you think it was a bad idea for us to have been together?”

Rachel crossed her arms and stared down at her chest. She was silent for a few moments, trying to think of the response that would save the most face. But finally, she decided just to be honest.

“No,” Rachel admitted. “I don’t think it was a bad idea. I love you, and you had your moments, but you were good to me.”

“I tried,” Quinn said pleadingly. “I tried to be good to you.” She smiled tentatively. “And you made that really hard sometimes,” hoping a tiny joke would lighten the mood.

Rachel laughed. “I know,” she said. She became somber again. “I don’t hold it against you, Quinn,” she sighed. “I mean, you were in a hard position and you just reacted and I get it. But I’m just really mad at you. I just…it’s hard to see you in the same way.”

“I know,” Quinn said quietly. “But I don’t want this to end. If you just give me another chance, I promise you, I’ll prove myself to you.”

“Quinn…”

“I mean it,” Quinn said insistently. “I will. And I meant it when I said I’ll do anything you ask me to do.”

Rachel rubbed her face. She felt overwhelmed and over-stimulated.

“You don’t look at me anymore,” Quinn said softly. “And when you do, you never look me in the eyes. You don’t talk to me the same way anymore either. And I miss it. I miss you. Please, just give me another chance so I can prove you can--”

“Stop,” Rachel said, her eyes squeezing shut. She put her hands out. “Please, Quinn. Just stop.”

Quinn went silent and became very still.

Rachel needed a few moments of silence where she could just think. “I just don’t think we’re compatible,” she said finally.

“You didn’t use to think that way,” Quinn said quietly. “You said we were well-matched and complementary.”

“When I felt that way, you didn’t throw a Slushie in my face,” Rachel reminded her.

Quinn opened her mouth to protest, and Rachel brought her finger over Quinn’s lips.

“I don’t really know who you are,” Rachel said. “And maybe I never did because I was so in--”

“You did know me! You do know me! I--”

Rachel pressed her lips over Quinn’s to silence the cheerleader. It was just a quick peck and Rachel moved her head back, to pull away after she broke the kiss, but Quinn pulled Rachel in.

“I know you just want me to shut up,” Quinn said softly. “But it’s been so long since you’ve kissed me. Just let me kiss you.” Quinn swallowed hard. “And if you decide this is the last time…” Quinn lowered her eyes.

Rachel released a ragged breath, but she didn’t pull away. “That is such a bad idea,” she whispered “It’ll just make things harder for both of us. And it’ll be more confusing and…”

“I’m not confused about how I feel about you.”

“Quinn…” Rachel trailed off, she didn’t know what to say.

“Forgive me,” Quinn pleaded.

Rachel exhaled softly and then brought her lips over Quinn’s. Quinn returned the kiss eagerly, her lips parting so she could take whatever it was that Rachel had to offer her now. It was still exciting and enticing as always and Rachel was filled with the desire to taste every inch of Quinn, the way she always was whenever she touched Quinn. But now it just made her sad to think that this was probably the last time she would ever kiss Quinn and so, Rachel pulled away. She flinched when she saw the way Quinn’s face fell and her eyes filled with tears.

“I’m not your girlfriend anymore,” Rachel said softly, trying to be as gentle as possible to take away the sting of her very blunt statement. “That didn’t mean I want us to get back together. It just meant that I love you and I’d like to get to know you again. I don’t want us to date, we’re just friends, but I know I should mean it when I say we’re friends by showing it. We should…” Rachel hesitated. “We should start hanging out again, because that’s what friends do. And I’ve missed you. A lot.”

Quinn looked hopeful. “You’ve missed me?”

Rachel sighed. “Do you really have to ask me that?”

“I really do,” Quinn said quietly. “It just seemed so easy for you to just…turn it off,” she said. She didn’t know how else to put it. Rachel was sweet and tender with her most of the time. Rachel also had a mighty temper with a pretty short fuse and had a tendency to hold a grudge. They’d had some pretty big arguments in the past which Rachel tended to bring up when having new arguments. So for Rachel to go from the Rachel that Quinn knew one day to this completely dispassionate, unfailingly polite person the next day was unsettling for Quinn. She expected anger and venom, maybe some well-constructed vituperative diatribes, but there was none of it. Just this alarming calm politeness.

Rachel’s eyes lowered. “I missed you. It hasn’t been easy for me,” she said.

Quinn was tentative. “If we… start hanging out again, do you think we could…eventually get back together?”

Rachel gave her a tiny smile. “That’s how we got together in the first place, isn’t it?”

Quinn smiled back. “Even if you didn’t know you were my girlfriend for way too long.”

Rachel chuckled. “Well, you never thought I was very bright,” she joked. She smiled at Quinn and peered into the blonde’s eyes. “I was just mad at you,” she said, stroking Quinn’s cheek. “But I understood. It’s just…” Rachel faltered and her eyes lowered. “You just really hurt my feelings,” she stated simply.

Ashamed, Quinn nodded and bowed her head. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t want to hurt you, I just didn’t know what else to do.”

Rachel sighed. “Well, I don’t expect you to be perfect,” she said quietly. She pushed Quinn’s hair behind her shoulders. “Are you hungry?” she asked. “We have leftover Chinese in the fridge.”

Quinn smiled shyly. “I could eat.”


	8. Chapter 8

True to her word, Rachel’s attitude toward Quinn immediately relaxed considerably, much to the relief of both girls. It was difficult for Rachel to be so vigilant all the time and although she preferred it when Quinn didn’t have something she could throw at her within reaching distance, she didn’t really think Quinn would do it again, either. Quinn was relieved Rachel was initiating conversation with her again, and even though things weren’t ‘normal,’ at least the way she’d come to appreciate ‘normal,’ things were better.

“You know what I saw on sale on Amazon?” Rachel asked a couple days after they’d talked in Rachel’s room. She slipped behind Quinn and put her hand on Quinn’s shoulder. She’d approached Quinn suddenly, while Quinn was standing at her locker and it was unexpected, since Rachel had stopped approaching her for random conversation since the Slushie incident.

Quinn turned around, happy to hear Rachel’s voice. “What?” she asked curiously, grinning at Rachel.

“The White Ribbon,” Rachel said with a laugh. “I can’t believe we were both so dumb and thought it was a ghost story when it was really some weird German movie.”

“You’re only calling it weird because you didn’t get it,” Quinn teased.

Rachel pouted, her lower lit jutting out. Quinn had the urge to kiss Rachel, right then and there, but they were only friends now and they were only friends because of her own actions. Quinn wished it were possible to kick her own ass for being so stupid and doing something so impulsively hurtful and cruel. She’d hesitated, but only for a moment, and she wished every day since that day that she’d just really thought about what she was doing, and what it would do to Rachel.

“You didn’t get it either,” Rachel pointed out.

“I know, but I’m okay with it.”

Rachel laughed and beamed at her. She lowered her eyes and then peered up at Quinn shyly. “You’re cute,” she mumbled. She smiled again, but she suddenly felt a little uncomfortable and regretted saying anything. This wasn’t the way their relationship was anymore, and she needed to accommodate that change. She could not tell Quinn she was cute anymore, not even when Rachel felt that Quinn was deliriously cute. Rachel genuinely wanted to be friends with Quinn again, and she was committed to that. When Quinn was good to her, she was so good to her, and Rachel knew that Quinn was well-intentioned way deep down. But Rachel was very, very torn.

Quinn looked pleased. “Thanks. I--”

“I should go,” Rachel blurted. “I mean. I need to go. I have to go to the bathroom.” She didn’t actually have to go to the bathroom, since she’d only gone a couple minutes before, but it seemed like a reasonable reason to leave.

Quinn hesitated. “Do you want me to go with you?”

Rachel understood what Quinn meant, but she chose to ignore it. Quinn had a tendency to confirm the stereotype that women went to the restroom in pairs. “No,” Rachel said. “I can do it by myself now,” she joked. “I finally figured it out. You don’t have to help me anymore.”

Quinn laughed. “I know, you’re all grown up. I’m so proud.” The rejection stung a little bit, but it was understandable, and she was still happy that Rachel told her she was cute. “I brought lunch,” she said shyly. “It’s nothing special, but I have enough for both of us. Do you want to have lunch with me?”

Rachel smiled at her. “Yeah, that will be great. I’ll get us some sodas from the machine, okay?”

“Meet me at my locker after third period gets out?”

“Sure,” Rachel said. “I should go.”

“Okay,” Quinn said softly.

Quinn watched as Rachel walked away and bypassed the girl’s bathroom. She’d known Rachel didn’t have to use the bathroom, and she grinned affectionately. God, Rachel was not a very good liar. Quinn watched as Rachel stopped in her tracks and turned around. Their eyes met and Rachel grinned sheepishly, her head ducking down. Rachel backtracked and walked into the bathroom and Quinn chuckled, not caring that she looked like a dork laughing to herself in the middle of the hallway. Rachel was cute.

She didn’t want to make Rachel feel uncomfortable by still being there when Rachel got out of the bathroom, so Quinn walked to class. She may have been a lovelorn Lima loser, but she wasn’t some creepy stalker. ‘Not yet anyway,’ Quinn thought with a sigh.

\--

Rachel carried two sodas in her hands as she walked down the hallway to Quinn’s locker. Quinn was already there, putting her books into her locker and pulling her lunch out.

“Hi,” Rachel greeted.

Quinn smiled at her. “Hi,” she said. “Ready?”

“Yeah,” Rachel said.

“Do you want to eat by the Sciences building? There’s that bench under the tree.”

Rachel looked thoughtful. “It’s kind of cold.”

Quinn cocked one eyebrow. “I thought you said you have a very high body temperature, and you don’t get that cold.” Her eyes roamed down and then up Rachel’s body, and Quinn’s cheeks flushed. Somehow, Rachel seemed tan even in the middle of winter. It was all the skirts, probably. Rachel’s legs were bare and Quinn was struck by the contradictory feelings of gratitude for Rachel’s almost inappropriately short skirt and the urge to lecture Rachel on weather appropriate clothing.

Rachel grinned crookedly. “I like to try new things but hypothermia wasn’t on that list.”

“I kind of wanted to talk,” Quinn said softly.

Rachel bit her lip. “We could go into the pottery room,” she suggested. “It’s kind of dusty, but there are chairs and a table…”

Quinn stopped walking. “You want to go there with me?” she asked softly.

“Just to have lunch,” Rachel said hastily. “We could talk in private.”

“Let’s go,” Quinn said.

\--

It felt awkward to be back in the room where they’d first officially acknowledged their relationship. Rachel remembered all the excitement of it, the thrill of sneaking off with her girlfriend right on school grounds. So much had changed in such a short period of time, and Rachel liked to embrace change (when it was positive for her), but it was all a little much for her.

Quinn unzipped her lunch bag and pulled out the ice pack that kept the food cold.

“My mom made chicken last night for dinner, and it was pretty good,” Quinn said.

“I didn’t think your mother was the kind that cooked.”

“She’s very good at multi-tasking.”

Rachel chuckled. “That I believe.”

“I saved one of the drumsticks,” Quinn said. “My dad took the other one. But I know the drumstick is your favorite part.”

Rachel smiled. “Thanks.”

They sat down and started to eat. Quinn wanted to keep things simple, so she just had some chicken and some baby carrots with a bag of chips she thought they could split.

“I’m glad you agreed to have lunch with me,” Quinn said quietly.

“It’s been a while,” Rachel commented. “How was art?”

“It was good,” Quinn said. She had art right before lunch, since the school still required its students to take at least one elective each year. “Fischer wants us to do black and white photographs for the next two weeks, and then we’re going to develop them ourselves.” Quinn wrinkled her nose in distaste. “The chemicals they use really smell, and who uses film these days anyway?”

“Traditionalists?” Rachel guessed.

“You’re a nerd,” Quinn teased affectionately.

Rachel grinned. “Yeah, I know.”

“Rach?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you have plans for Valentine’s Day?” Quinn asked hesitantly.

Rachel thought about Noah’s offer to hang out. It was probably the safer option, but she couldn’t resist Quinn, either.

“Did you want to hang out?” Rachel asked.

“If you want,” Quinn said. “I mean,” she added quickly. “I’m not expecting anything. I just thought maybe you could come over, we could watch movies, have a girl’s thing or something.”

Rachel smiled. “That would be nice.”

Quinn beamed at her. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Rachel said. “Of course.”

They ate and chatted until the lunch warning bell rang and they had to get back to class. They cleaned up, and then Rachel stood up. “Come on,” she said. “I’ll walk you to class.”

Quinn smiled. “Are you afraid I’m going to get lost?”

Rachel grinned back. “Yes,” she declared. “Yes, I am. You have a terrible sense of direction. Any time you direct me to go anywhere, we always end up getting lost.”

Quinn was outraged. “Excuse me, but that’s because you are completely unable to follow direction. I know this because when Mr. Schue told us to put down our pencils during our last exam, you didn’t.”

“Well, I wasn’t done!” Rachel exclaimed as she opened the door. She glanced around to see if anyone was paying attention, but no one was. This was still their little hiding space, after all. She gestured for Quinn to go first.

“But he said pencils down.”

“Oh, like, you follow all the rules,” Rachel teased. They walked to Quinn’s locker first, so the blonde could put away her lunch containers and grab her textbooks.

“I follow rules better than you do,” Quinn shot back. “You’re the one that likes to go down the unbeaten path.”

“I do like to beat my own path,” Rachel agreed. She casually hooked her arm with Quinn’s and moved closer to Quinn.

Quinn turned to look at Rachel, surprised by the affectionate gesture, but Rachel wasn’t looking at her, Rachel eyes were pointed straight in front of her. Quinn grinned. It’d felt like a long time since Rachel was this affectionate.

“But anyway, we were talking about your terrible sense of direction, and why I feel the need to walk you to class,” Rachel said.

Quinn laughed. “Well, I guess I should appreciate it,” she admitted. “I mean, I’m not that bright.”

“Well, we’ve already established I’m not particularly bright either,” Rachel joked, laughing a little. “That’s why I’m hoping I’ll get by on my talent and slightly above average appearance.”

“You’re beautiful,” Quinn said softly.

Rachel slowed down a little, but seemed to recover. “You don’t have to charm me anymore,” she teased. “I already think you’re beautiful.”

Quinn laughed. “You’re a nerd.”

“I know,” Rachel acknowledged. “I should invest in some glasses. Broken ones, with masking tape down the middle.”

Quinn raised her eyebrows. “Is this an attempt to turn me on?”

Rachel gently elbowed Quinn.

Quinn squealed and moved away, slapping Rachel’s arm. “Stop it!”

“You stop it,” Rachel teased.

Quinn immediately wished she hadn’t moved away. She hoped Rachel would take her arm again, but Rachel didn’t.

They reached Quinn’s classroom and Rachel smiled. “Okay, so here we are.”

“Yeah,” Quinn said.

“Uhm, since your sense of direction is just so bad, I guess I’ll have to come and get you so I can walk you to our math class,” Rachel declared dramatically.

“I would have a lot of trouble finding it otherwise,” Quinn said, trying to sound as somber as possible.

“I know,” Rachel said. “You’re special like that.” She smiled and touched Quinn’s right arm, just above the elbow. “Have fun in European History.”

“I will. You were the nerd that chose AP American History over AP Euro.”

“I’m patriotic like that.”

“Get to class, Berry, before you’re tardy.” Quinn said.

Rachel laughed. “I was late one time picking you up, and I will never hear the end of it.”

“That’s because you were two hours late.”

Rachel shrugged. “But I was worth waiting for that night, wasn’t I? We had fun.”

Quinn’s expression sobered. “You are definitely worth waiting for.”

“And you are definitely worth rushing for,” Rachel grinned at her. Her eyes lingered over Quinn and then she seemed to inwardly shake herself. She waved and walked away.

\--

When they walked into Glee, Noah looked at them for a long moment, but he was expressionless.

“I’m going to say hi to Noah,” Rachel said absently.

She was gone before Quinn could say anything in reply, and Quinn watched as Rachel bounded up toward Puck and sat down next to him, talking animatedly. Quinn felt her lips curl in jealous disdain as she watched Rachel waving her arms in the air to punctuate whatever story it was she was telling him. Puck was quiet, but looked at her with a mixture of affection and amusement and Quinn felt the perverse urge to punch him. She knew he was a good guy, deep down. And he was a sweet father, and it wasn’t all that long ago he was trying to pursue her and she was trying to ward him off. Rachel was well within her rights to talk to him, but Quinn was jealous nonetheless.

Quinn took a seat next Kurt, but behind Finn. Finn was half turned around as he talked to Kurt, and Quinn exchanged a small smile with him as she sat down.

Rachel squealed when Noah grabbed her in a sideways hug and raspberried the side of her face. Everyone turned to look at them as she furiously slapped at Noah’s hands, although she laughed the entire time.

“They should save their foreplay for the bedroom,” Kurt quipped to Finn.

Finn chuckled. “Puck likes to show off.”

Quinn bit her lip.

Mr. Schuester came into the room and then practice started. Mr. Schuester had given them their assignment a couple days ago, and it’d been relatively simple-- pick one of your favorite songs.

Puck volunteered to go first, and Rachel gave him an encouraging smile. She reached out to touch his arm in a show of support before he stood up, grabbed his guitar and walked down.

“This is one of my favorite songs,” he said simply, before he played a few bars and started to sing.

“I would say I’m sorry, if I thought that it would change your mind. But I know this time, I’ve said too much, been too unkind,” he sang.

Damn it, Boys Don’t Cry was definitely one of Rachel’s favorite songs. Quinn would have thought The Cure was too maudlin or whiny or something for Rachel, but Rachel’s fathers were clubbers in the 80s and were unrepentant fans of 80s music. Rachel may have had a fondness for uplifting musicals, but throw out some pop hit from the 1980s, and Rachel could generally be counted on to sing along. And possibly start dancing.

God, Quinn hated Puck at the moment. Damn that genuinely talented bastard.

Puck reclaimed his seat and Rachel told him he did a good job. He encouraged her to go next, but she shook her head since Finn was already getting up to sing his song.

It was Forever Young, the Alpaville song. Quinn used to tease Finn about his tendency to love sappy songs like that, but she had to admit, it really suited his voice, and it got everyone to sing along with the chorus.

Brittany chose Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, which brought everyone out of their seats into the centre of the room, to sing and clap along with the song. Rachel weaved her way down to stand next to Quinn and they exchanged a small mile before they refocused their attention to practice.

“In a couple years they have built a home sweet home with a couple of children running in the yard of Desmond and Molly Jones,” everyone sang together.

Quinn felt Rachel’s back press up against hers and she could not suppress the dopey grin she knew spread across her face as she pressed back while they sang.

Mike was up next, and he hammed it up by singing I Want to Know What Love Is, which despite earning mocking from everyone else, even Mr. Schuester, got them to sing along as well. Brittany was amused, and they shared a quick kiss once they were done.

“Rachel?” Mr. Schuester asked. “Do you want to go next?”

Quinn looked at her, and Rachel hesitated.

“While I would never pass up the opportunity to have the spotlight in normal circumstances,” Rachel said. “I don’t think the song I chose fits the rest of the tone today.”

Mr. Schuester smiled at her. “But you fit in, so I think your song will be just fine.”

Rachel hesitated for a moment but then shrugged. “Okay,” she said. She looked at Puck and smiled at him. “Noah? Could you play Thirteen for me?”

“Big Star?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Sure,” he said. “You really did pick one of your favorite songs.”

They shared a smile, and Rachel thought of how they’d listened to this song on the radio once, and she’d commented how she loved this song, and he said he liked it, too, but would never admit it to anyone else.

Puck started to play and then Rachel took her cue.

“Won’t you let me walk you home from school? Won’t you let me meet you at the pool?” Rachel sang. “Maybe Friday I can get tickets for the dance, and I’ll take you,” Rachel continued. “Won’t you tell your dad to get off my back? Tell him what we said about ‘Paint it Black,’ Rock and roll is here to stay, come inside where it’s okay, and I’ll shake you,” Rachel sang.

Puck provided some of the background vocals, but for the most part, everyone was quiet while Rachel sang.

“Won’t you tell me what you’re thinking of, would you be an outlaw for my love?” Rachel sang. She exchanged very brief look with Quinn and her eyes lowered. “If it’s so, then let me know, if it’s no, then I can go. I won’t make you.”

Rachel finished and exchanged a high-five with Puck. Finn approached her and hugged her from behind and told her she did a great job. Rachel exchanged grins with Brittany.

“That’s one of my favorite songs, too, Rachel,” Mr. Schuester said with an encouraging smile. “One of the most perfect examples of a ballad,” he said.

Rachel gave a tiny, and yet, demonstrative curtsey. She turned to give Quinn a long look, but turned around again to face the front of the room. It truly was one of her favorite songs, because she thought it was a simple story with a simple message, and as cliché as she knew it was, it felt like it was written with her in mind. Looking at Quinn, she felt raw and exposed, because Quinn had to know there was meaning behind the selection of the song, and she couldn’t quite meet Quinn’s eyes yet.

“Quinn?” Mr. Schuester asked. “Do you want to go?”

“Sure,” Quinn said. “I wasn’t sure how familiar people would be with this song, so I pulled the sheet music from the internet.” She went back to her chair to pull it out and then passed it around to the band members.

Quinn took a deep breath as the music started up and took her cue.

“I left the letter at your door. I light your cigarette just once more, now I say what I needed. I left the suitcase in your hallway, dried up flowers down the driveway, then I walked back in. Saw pictures of your sister by the stove, holiday cards and murder that she wrote with the unread book I bought you,” she sang. “Circles will not fill a square, don't fit together, but I don't care-- you still have my heart; You still have my heart. People say they saw you on the television, but I don't care who you are-- you still have my heart,” Quinn sang. Her eyes flickered to the side so she could look at Rachel through her peripheral vision and saw that Rachel was looking at her with interest.

“I need a day to walk out by the sea because I keep running back to this disease  
in our twisted storybook of love. Must be someone better who'd agree and who wouldn't give it up so easily. Yeah, we fit like a glove” Quinn turned to give Rachel a reassuring smile. “Circles will not fill a square, don't fit together but I don't care. You still have my heart. You still have my heart. People say they saw you on the television, but I don't care who you are ‘cause you still have my heart.”

The song didn’t fit their situation, at least, not exactly, but the sentiment did. As Quinn finished the song, she consciously left out the word “boy” and when she finished, everyone clapped, but Rachel gave her a quick hug and that made everything worth it.

“I love Caitlin Crosby,” Rachel murmured in her ear before pulling back.

\--

“So you want to walk me home from school?” Quinn asked teasingly as she walked with Rachel to Rachel’s car.

“You are far too literal,” Rachel said with a grin. “But I’ll drive you home.”

Rachel unlocked her car and opened the passenger side door, gesturing for Quinn to get inside.

“Thanks,” Quinn said, as she got inside.

Rachel got into the car a moment later and then they were on their way to pick Jane from daycare. They drove in silence for a while, before Quinn decided that she had some things she just needed to say.

“I know we’re really different,” she said softly. “And neither of us is exactly easy to be with.”

“You do make it exceedingly difficult to like you sometimes,” Rachel agreed with a grin.

Quinn pouted. “You’re not exactly a Brittany, either.”

“Britney Spears?” Rachel asked incredulously.

“No, not Britney Spears,” Quinn said in exasperation. “How is she even remotely likable? Our Brittany.”

“Oh,” Rachel said. “Yeah,” Rachel agreed sheepishly. “It’s kind of impossible not to like her.”

“I know, right?” Quinn said. “I hate her for it!”

Rachel laughed. “I love her.”

“I love her, too” Quinn admitted. “Anyway. I know I’m hard on you a lot, and I’m meaner than I want to be, and I don’t just mean about the Slushie.”

“You aren’t mean to me,” Rachel defended quietly. “You--”

“I can be mean to you,” Quinn interjected gently. “I don’t want to be, but sometimes I just am. And you…you’re…”

“A little too intense,” Rachel admitted. “I want things so much and then when I don’t get them, or I don’t get things the way I want, I can’t handle it.”

“I like that you’re intense though,” Quinn said. “You’re not going to let anything stop you.”

Rachel shrugged at that. She desperately wanted to get out of Lima, and college was right around the corner. They were juniors, so they still had another year of high school, but a year from now, they would know where they were going to college, and Rachel was counting on Julliard. But now she had reasons to stay in Lima, if Quinn was going to stay.

“But even if we’re different, and even if you feel like we aren’t compatible, I still feel like we fit. Maybe not perfectly, I mean, we drive each other crazy.”

“That we do,” Rachel concurred.

“But we still fit,” Quinn said quietly.

“I know,” Rachel said softly. “What time do you think your parents will be home?”

“I’m not sure,” Quinn said. “They’re working later and later these days.”

“Let’s pick up Jane and go to Manny’s for dinner,” Rachel suggested.

Quinn gave Rachel a sunny smile. “Miss Berry, are you asking me out on a. date?” she asked hopefully.

Rachel chuckled and turned her head briefly to look at Quinn. “I know that wasn’t a very graceful invitation, but yes, yes I am.”

“I accept,” Quinn said with a grin.

The picked Jane up and Rachel drove to Manny’s for dinner. Rachel was a creature of habit, who always got the same thing every time she went there, but Quinn liked to mix things up a bit. She did not like what she ordered, some fish dish that wasn’t what she thought it would be. Rachel tried it and declared it was good, and promptly traded dishes with her, amid Quinn’s protests that it was okay. Quinn liked Rachel’s lomo saltado, which was a pretty dependable dish considering it was meat, onions, French fries, rice in some soy sauce concoction. She fed Janie some of the baby rice cereal mixed with formula from her diaper bag, and Jane seemed content. Quinn eyed Rachel’s plate, which never seemed to get eaten.

“You don’t like it,” Quinn accused, looking at the forkful of rice that Rachel was about to eat. All of Rachel’s rice was mostly gone, but the fish was definitely there.

“What?” Rachel said. “Yes, I do!”

“Then eat some of it,” Quinn challenged.

“I like to take my time to savor things,” Rachel huffed. Truthfully, it wasn’t to her taste either, but once she tried it, she knew that she would be more tolerant of it than Quinn, who’d determined on five of the last seven times they’d eaten sea food together that the item in question was “too fishy” when Rachel thought it was just fine.

Quinn snorted. “You do not. You’re not a food person.”

“What do you mean I’m not a food person? I’m a person, and I eat food.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have a favorite food,” Quinn said.

“This is one of my favorite restaurants!”

“I know,” Quinn said. “But when I asked you once what your favorite food was, you said you didn’t have one, and that there really was no point in eating. Then you said food would be a waste of time if our lives weren’t dependent on nourishment, because it all ended up in the ocean anyway. And then you said that if you spent $200 on a pair of shoes, you could keep it for a few years, but $200 on food wouldn’t last all that long.”

Rachel looked stunned. “I can’t believe you remembered that.”

“Well, it was kind of a…unique perspective,” Quinn said. She was initially going to say ‘weird’ because she did think it was a little weird, but she opted for ‘unique’ and it did sort of make sense for Rachel who tended to have a “means justify the ends” perspective.

“I don’t think it was unique,” Rachel argued. “I think it was perfectly reasonable.”

“Yeah, but I wanted to make you dinner,” Quinn said crossly. “And then you said you wanted to get a hot dog and a grape Slushie from the Kwik Stop. So we did.”

“But it was good. I was on my period and I was craving a hot dog.”

“I mean, what were you doing eating a hot dog anyway, you’re Jewish.”

“But we don’t keep kosher…”

“I mean, a hot dog?”

“Are you mad that I made you eat a hot dog?” asked Rachel in confusion.

“No,” Quinn huffed. “I’m mad that I couldn’t cook you dinner.”

“Well,” Rachel said. “You could cook me dinner another time,” she said reasonably.

“But it’s more meaningful if I cook you something you love! That’s why I asked you what your favorite food was, and you didn’t have one.”

Rachel smiled fondly at her. “You’re cute,” she declared softly.

Quinn looked at her suspiciously. “Are you trying to change the subject?”

Rachel laughed. “No,” she denied. “I just think you’re cute.” She leaned in closer to Quinn. “Really cute,” she added, her voice lowering. She gave Quinn a slow, crooked smile, her eyes peering deeply into Quinn’s.

Quinn felt her stomach do a little flip with undeniable attraction. She swallowed hard and unconsciously licked her lower lip. “I…uhm…you do?” she asked, suddenly flustered. This was the second time today that Rachel told her she was cute, but now Rachel was just so close, her mouth just so near.

“I really do,” Rachel confirmed. “I--”

At that very moment, Rachel’s phone rang. Rachel blinked and Quinn saw the flustered panic on Rachel’s face and the brunette pulled away and grabbed the phone that was next to her plate.

“Sorry,” Rachel apologized before she answered it. “Hey Noah.”

Quinn bit her lip.

“I’m actually eating dinner right now, with Quinn and Jane at Manny’s. Why?”

Quinn watched Rachel talk to Puck and tried to stave off her jealousy. Rachel talked to him for a couple more minutes and although Rachel had to beg off meeting for dinner that night, there was a promise of having lunch together the next day at school.

Rachel hung up, and she turned to Quinn again. “Sorry,” she said.

Whatever it was that was going on between them before Noah called, whatever moment they were about to share, it was gone now. The mood had changed entirely, and Rachel was a little relieved. She knew she was heading into territory she really wasn’t sure she wanted to venture into, but when it came to Quinn, she had a tendency to act on impulse.

“It’s okay,” Quinn said.

They finished eating, and the waiter came over to ask Rachel if she wanted a box to take her fish in.

“It’s okay,” she said with a smile. “No, thank you.”

He asked if there was anything else, and each girl replied that there was not, so he set the bill down.

Once he left, Quinn looked at Rachel triumphantly. “See? I knew you didn’t like it. Why did you trade with me?”

Rachel shrugged. “You disliked it more than I did,” she said.

“You did that for me?”

Rachel shrugged. “I’m not a food person, remember?” she teased. “Besides, we’re friends, aren’t we? People do that for friends.”

Quinn tried to swallow the lump that rose in her throat, and she regretted once again, how foolishly she’d wrecked her relationship with Rachel.

“Yeah,” Quinn affirmed quietly. “We’re friends.” She fought the urge to sigh. They were only friends.

Rachel beamed at her and gave her a quick hug, and Quinn had to smile as well.

\--

Rachel found Quinn the next day after school.

“Can I talk to you?” Rachel asked quietly.

Looking at the somber expression on Rachel’s face, Quinn prepared herself for the worst and made an effort to be as expressionless as possible.

“Sure,” Quinn said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Rachel said, “Can you come with me?”

“Yeah.”

“We can talk in my car. I’ll make it quick. I know you have Cheerios practice in twenty minutes.”

They walked in silence to Rachel’s car, but once they got in, it was Quinn who spoke first.

“Are you okay?” she repeated.

Rachel gave her a small smile. “I think I need to apologize to you,” she said softly. “I… I know I said we should just be friends, but my actions aren’t…I…” Rachel trailed off in frustration. “It’s honestly not that big a deal that you Slushied me,” Rachel said, trying another route, but immediately hating herself for the seeming non-sequitur “And I’m kind of over that.”

“Okay…” Quinn said softly.

“But I trusted you, and now I feel really stupid for doing it, and I can’t stop feeling stupid.”

“Oh,” Quinn said quietly.

“I…I feel like I’ve been giving you the impression that I want…” Rachel swallowed with great difficulty. “I mean, I do want….” She trailed off again and forced a bright smile. “You know what? Never mind,” Rachel said. “I’m just being whiny and stupid. You should go to practice.”

“Rachel,” Quinn said softly. “You’re trying to tell me you don’t want to lead me on, right?”

Rachel bit her lip, which Quinn now recognized as a sign of guilt. Rachel didn’t speak or move.

“Okay,” Quinn said quietly, accepting it. “And you aren’t being whiny or stupid.”

Rachel reached for Quinn’s arm. “It was just because you wanted to get back with the Cheerios, right?” she whispered softly.

Quinn froze. “What?”

“I mean, that was it, right? That was the only reason? Because you wanted the other Cheerios to take it easy on you? There was no other reason, right?”

Quinn gazed at her. “What other reasons?” she asked softly.

Rachel shrugged. “I don’t know,” she said. “We did have a somewhat… adversarial relationship before all this.”

“I love you,” Quinn said quietly. “I just…I didn’t think. Karina had that stupid orange Slushie with her, and I thought she was going to throw it on me and then she handed it to me, and she said that as far as the other Cheerios were concerned, everything would be square if I would just throw this on you. And I just…I really needed things to be just a little easier, everything had been so hard, you know? Except… except with you.”

“Oh,” Rachel said quietly.

“I didn’t think,” Quinn said. “You were there, and I was there and I had that stupid Slushie in my hand and I just…”

“Yeah,” Rachel said softly.

“But there were no other reasons,” Quinn said, her cheeks flushing. “I don’t know if that makes it better or worse for you, but that was the only reason. I was so stupid, but that was the only reason.”

“I don’t know either,” Rachel admitted with a soft laugh. “I mean, it would make sense if maybe you were still mad at me for when I had a crush on Finn and you guys were still together or--”

“I don’t care about that,” Quinn interrupted quietly. “Anymore, anyway,” she added. At the time, she’d cared very much, but that was more because she was desperate to hold onto Finn because she was pregnant, not so much because she was so in love with him. She’d loved him, she just didn’t think they would work out and have the happily ever after.

“You should go,” Rachel said softly. “Coach Sylvester may have you drawn and quartered as an example against tardiness.”

Quinn laughed. “But then she’d need to find another girl.”

“Santana is going to give you a ride, right?”

“Yeah,” Quinn said. “I’ll call you later?”

Rachel nodded. “Yeah.” She reached for one of Quinn’s hands and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Have a good practice.”

Quinn grinned at her “Yeah,” she said. “Thanks.” She squeezed back. “We’ll talk later, right?”

“Absolutely.”

Quinn got out of the car and Rachel backed out, honked her horn, which caused Quinn to turn around. Rachel waved and Quinn waved back, and then Rachel drove away.


	9. Chapter 9

Rachel showed up at Quinn’s house on the evening of Valentine’s Day, 2011, just as Mr. and Mrs. Fabray were on their way out for their dinner.

“Hello,” Rachel greeted.

“Hello, Rachel,” Mr. Fabray said. “How are you?”

“I’m well, thank you. How are you?”

“We’re doing very well. Quinn is in her bedroom.” Mr. Fabray said. He turned away for a moment to call out to Quinn that Rachel had arrived.

“What are your girls’ plans for tonight?” Mrs. Fabray asked.

“Oh, just a couple of movies,” Rachel said. “And maybe a manicure and pedicure. It should be an early night because we have school tomorrow.”

“Well,” Mrs. Fabray said. “Perhaps we’ll see you tonight. Quinn’s in her room, the baby is asleep in hers.”

“Thanks,” Rachel said with a grin. “Have a great evening.”

“We will,” Mr. Fabray said.

They left and Rachel let out a sigh of relief. She walked to Jane’s room first to peek in on her. It used to belong to Quinn’s older sister, who was now married and long out of the house. It was only in the last couple weeks that the Fabrays let Quinn clear out her sister’s old room to allow Quinn to set up a nursery for Jane, and although Quinn said she missed having her baby with her at night, she knew it had to happen eventually. Rachel peeked down at Jane in her crib, and she couldn’t believe that Janie was already seven months old.

Once she confirmed that Jane was asleep and was perfectly fine, Rachel walked to Quinn’s room. She entered without knocking, assuming that Quinn already knew she was there. She took a couple steps forward and was treated to the sight of Quinn in her underwear and bra, holding up a dress and looking at it thoughtfully.

“Oh my God!” Rachel gasped, her hands immediately covering her face. “I’m so sorry,” she apologized. “I am so so sorry. I should have knocked,” she said, blushing furiously. She tried to back out of the room as quickly as she could, but lost her balance by tripping over Quinn’s purse which was on the floor right next to her bedroom door. She fell on her butt.

Quinn, who was initially shocked at the interruption and instinctually held the dress to cover herself, ran to Rachel.

“Are you okay?” Quinn asked. “Did you hurt yourself?”

Rachel tried to stand up, still covering her eyes. “I’m fine,” she assured. Her cheeks a deep pink. “I’ll go wait in the living room. I am so sorry.”

Quinn laughed. She was embarrassed, too, but she thought it was hilarious that Rachel was so embarrassed. They’d made out, and there had been some heavy petting and a lot of groping, but they’d never slept together, and so it was kind of awkward.

“It’s okay,” Quinn assured. She was still a little self-conscious about her body since having Janie-- things stretched out and she had to admit that she’d initially been worried that Rachel saw too much. But now she knew that Rachel really hadn’t seen anything and that maybe Rachel was just as inexperienced as she was. Mostly, anyway.

Rachel scrambled out of the room and Quinn pulled on the green dress she was holding.

She walked into the living room to find Rachel sitting on the couch, still blushing furiously.

Quinn grinned at her. “Hey,” she said, sitting down next to Rachel.

Rachel stared down at the ground. “I am so sorry. I swear, I didn’t see anything.”

Quinn grinned and reached out to cup Rachel’s chin. “I didn’t know you were such a prude,” she joked, trying to peer into Rachel’s eyes.

“I am not a prude,” Rachel protested. “I just value your privacy.” Even Rachel’s ears were red.

Quinn laughed and impetuously hugged Rachel. “You are very respectful,” she agreed, her voice very grave. She pulled back, but kept her hands on Rachel’s shoulders so she could peer into Rachel’s eyes, but the brunette was avoiding looking at her. She smiled at Rachel, trying to catch her eyes.

Rachel finally seemed to relax and she was able to meet Quinn’s eyes. “Well, I didn’t know you were such an exhibitionist,” she teased.

Quinn swatted at Rachel’s thigh. “Next time, knock, Berry.”

Rachel pouted. “Your dad said I was here, didn’t you hear him?”

“Yeah,” Quinn said. “But you always knock.”

Rachel’s face reddened again. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Quinn laughed. “It’s okay, Rachel. I don’t have anything you don’t.” Quinn pretended to look thoughtful. “Do you?”

Rachel reddened again. “Stop it!”

Quinn laughed and wrapped her arm around Rachel. “Come on, I made you dinner.” She stood up and held her hand out to Rachel.

Rachel stood up. “But you said cooking for me was a waste of time because I’m not a food person.”

“I decided that would work in my favor because you’d eat anything I give you.”

“Oh,” Rachel said. “Well, that’s true.”

Quinn contemplated making some romantic, fancy dinner but she didn’t want to give the impression that she was trying to push Rachel into something and anyway, she didn’t want to make her parents suspicious about why she would cook her friend Rachel some fancy dinner.

“You like Thai food,” Quinn said. “So I looked some recipes up and went to the Asian market. I just finished before you got here though, so I haven’t tried it yet. I can’t vouch for it. I only had enough time to run up and touch up my makeup. And then you walked in on me in my almost-nakedness,” Quinn declared dramatically.

Rachel cheeks flushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, looking down at the floor.

Quinn chuckled. “I’m kidding! Take a joke, Berry.”

Rachel grinned at her. “So, you made Thai food?”

Quinn smiled back. “I thought that if it was bad, you’d at least think it was the thought that counted, you know?”

Rachel laughed. “I’m sure it will be great.”

Once they started eating, Quinn immediately wished that she hadn’t tried to be adventurous, and instead had made something simple-- like a grilled cheese sandwich with a tomato slice. She knew how to cook, and she thought she’d followed the recipes correctly, but something must have gone wrong, because while the food looked right, it did not taste right. She just wanted to prove to Rachel that she’d made some kind of effort, but not raise her parents’ suspicions, either. Quinn was paranoid that her parents would find out about hr relationship with Rachel, not that they really had one at this point. But still.

But Rachel proclaimed it was delicious and ate her entire plate, although she refilled her glass of water three times, and it seemed like Rachel needed the water to swallow her food. Quinn loved her for it, and she was glad that at least she’d bought dessert (chocolate brownies) from the grocery store. She knew how to follow a recipe, but she didn’t have the time to bake.

She didn’t know what possessed her to try to make chicken pad thai and vegetable stir fry for the first time, except that she was trying to win Rachel back, not that a terrible home-cooked Valentine’s day meal was the way to do it.

They finished eating pretty quickly and Rachel grinned at Quinn.

“It was good,” Rachel said encouragingly.

Quinn was unhappy. “It was terrible.”

“It was good,” Rachel said consolingly.

“It was terrible.”

Rachel chuckled. “Come on,” she said, standing up. “I’ll clean up, and then we can watch some movies.”

“You don’t have to,” Quinn protested. “You--”

“You cooked, so I’ll clean up,” Rachel said. “Go sit down and relax.”

“No,” Quinn said. “It’s my house and--”

“Quinn,” Rachel said, crouching down in front of Quinn and pressing one finger over Quinn’s lips. “You fed me, the least I can do is clean up after myself.” Rachel smiled up at Quinn, her head tilted to one side.

Quinn felt her face heat up. “I’ll help you, then.”

Rachel grinned at her. “If you really want to.”

“Yeah,” Quinn said. She stood up.

Rachel was still crouched next to Quinn’s chair when the blonde stood up, and Rachel followed suit by rising to her feet. Their bodies touched, but neither girl moved.

“Thanks for dinner,” Rachel said softly.

“Anytime,” Quinn breathed.

“It was good,” Rachel said sincerely.

Quinn smiled, slowly, ruefully. “Yeah, right,” she scoffed softly.

Rachel moved her head closer to Quinn’s. “It really was,” she said insistently.

Quinn bent her head just a little forward. “You are such an unconvincing liar.”

Rachel chuckled. “I’m not lying,” she said, her voice a little hoarse.

Their noses grazed together, and neither girl was ever sure which one of them moved. Even years later, they were never sure about how it happened. Not that it really mattered, because nothing happened that night.

Rachel swallowed hard, looking visibly uncomfortable. She backed away. “Uhm. I’ll wash, you dry?”

Quinn smiled to mask her disappointment. “Sure.”

\--

Quinn’s mother walked into Quinn’s bedroom without knocking, always suspicious since the unexpected pregnancy. Quinn was never sure, even as an adult with the benefit of retrospect, exactly what her mother had been so suspicious of -- although Quinn would concede there had been reason to be suspicious. But that night, all she found was Rachel lying down on the floor at the foot of Quinn’s bed, in front of the television, and Quinn lying in her bed, Janie sleeping next to her. Both Quinn and Rachel were asleep and the DVD was at its Home Screen. All the lights were turned on, and Quinn’s laptop was turned on with its screensaver on. Mrs. Fabray touched the mouse pad and all that appeared was apparently some assignment the girls were working on for Spanish, a skit that was to be performed entirely in Spanish.

“Quinn. Rachel,” Mrs. Fabray said, her voice loud enough to catch their attention.

Quinn sat up, sleepily. “Mom?”

Rachel roused, and once she saw Mrs. Fabray, she scrambled to sit up.

“It’s two in the morning, girls.” Mrs. Fabray said sternly.

Rachel stood up, panicked. “We must have fallen asleep,” she said, stating the obvious. She picked up her purse and pulled out her cell phone which had been set to vibrate so as not to disturb Janie. There were multiple missed calls from her fathers. “I am in so much trouble,” she whispered. “I am so sorry, Mrs. Fabray,” Rachel apologized. “I don’t know how this happened.”

“It’s all right,” Mrs. Fabray said. “But you should go home now.”

“Rach? Can you text me when you get home to let me know you got home okay?” Quinn asked softly.

“Yeah, sure,” Rachel said. “Bye Mrs. Fabray.” She rushed out of the room and passed Mr. Fabray in the hallway. “I’m so sorry,” she apologized to Mr. Fabray.

“Drive carefully,” Mr. Fabray said grimly.

Rachel ran out of the Fabray house and got into her car and drove home as quickly as she could. She knew her fathers were going to be pissed off.

Quinn looked at her mother nervously. “Sorry, Mom,” she said.

“It’s a school night,” her mother told her sternly.

“We fell asleep,” Quinn said quietly. “We weren’t doing anything bad.”

Not that anything she did with Rachel was bad. It’d taken her a while to realize that what she was doing with Rachel wasn’t dirty, wrong or bad, but once she did, she could never think of things she did with Rachel in the negative.

Her mother gave her a long look. “I know.”

\--

Rachel came over the next morning to pick up Quinn and Jane to drive them to school and daycare, respectively. She got out of the car and eyed Quinn nervously as the blonde approached.

“How mad were your parents?”

“Not that mad, actually,” Quinn said. “I mean, my mom saw for herself that we just fell asleep.”

“Good,” Rachel said, relieved.

“How mad were your dads?”

Rachel looked grim. “Pretty mad.”

Quinn looked sympathetic. “Sorry.”

Rachel smiled. “It’s okay,” she said. “They believed me when I said nothing happened, that we just fell asleep.” She looked contemplative and then frowned. “I think. They called Noah’s mom to make sure I wasn’t there before I got home. Thank God Mrs. Puckerman has insomnia. It was so embarrassing.”

She didn’t want to mention the fact that ever since Quinn got pregnant, her fathers were worried that she would get pregnant, too, like it was an epidemic or contagious or something. Her dads were pretty cool, and they each liked Quinn a lot, but they weren’t above parental concern about teenage pregnancy and boys who were…well, like Noah.

Quinn laughed as she made sure Janie was secure in her car seat. “It’s kind of funny your dads would just assume that you were with a boy, if they thought you were up to something.”

Rachel laughed. “I know, right? Hey, are your parents home? I should go in and apologize to them again.”

“No, they’re gone already.”

“Oh.”

They dropped Jane at daycare and then they arrived at the school in a few minutes. They walked together, until Rachel saw Puck standing in front of her locker, eyebrows raised.

“Oh, I’m going to hear it from him now,” Rachel muttered.

They walked together to Rachel’s locker.

“So, where were you really last night, Berry?” Puck asked, looking at Rachel lasciviously. But Quinn could see jealousy and suspicion there, too.

“I told you, I was at Quinn’s,” Rachel said crossly, slapping his chest.

Puck looked at Rachel and then at Quinn, and then back to Rachel. He grinned. “Even better.”

“What’s even better?” asked Finn, who’d just joined them.

“Quinn and Rachel spent the night together,” Puck said in amusement.

“Mailman!” Quinn exclaimed at Finn who had that expression on his face that was far too familiar to her. “And nothing happened, you perverts.”

“Because of you I got a lecture from my mom,” Puck told Rachel with a scowl. “She thinks I’m sleeping with you, and she said she’ll kill me if I get you pregnant, too.” He winced and looked at Finn who looked like he was going to punch Puck. “Sorry, man.”

Finn didn’t say anything.

“That won’t be a problem,” Rachel said.

Puck shrugged.

“God, boys are all the same,” Quinn huffed. “Come on,” she said to Rachel. “I’ll walk you to your first class.”

Rachel nodded. “Yeah,” she said. She scowled at both Noah and Finn and she took Quinn’s arm to walk away.

\--

By the time it was Glee practice after school, everyone in Glee had teased them at least once about spending the night together. Quinn highly doubted anyone would make jokes if they knew the truth, but she was glad no one seemed to suspect that she’d really wanted something to happen.

Rachel seemed unimpressed by all the teasing, and she chose to ignore it. Rachel was better at ignoring things like that, and Quinn envied her for it.

The State competition was still a couple of months away, but Mr. Schuester was already stressed out about what songs they would perform. He made a few familiar comments about complacency, and they started practice.

Quinn volunteered to sing first. She’d thought a lot about ways to get Rachel back, without being too pushy, and she hoped she was towing that line gracefully. After all, she did not want to tread so far into friend territory that Rachel truly did start to look at her as only a friend. Puck always just seemed to be there in the background, and Quinn saw the way he looked at Rachel-- he used to look at her that way, too. But she didn’t want to push Rachel too hard, either, she just wanted to give the brunette a reminder, that she was there, ready, if the brunette wanted her. She exchanged a look with Rachel, who was sitting next to her. Rachel patted her on the back and Quinn made her way down to the piano.

“It’s Madonna,” she told Earl, the piano player. “One More Chance. Do you know it?”

He grinned at her. “One of my favorites off Something to Remember.”

Quinn took a deep breath and began to sing. “I turned around too late to see the fallen star. I fell asleep and never saw the sun go down. I took your love for granted, thought luck was always on my side. I turned around too late and you were gone.”

Quinn looked at Rachel, who was staring back at her. Quinn did not avert her eyes. “So give me one more chance, darlin' if you care for me. Let me win your love, 'cause you were always there for me. If you care for me, be there for me.”

Quinn’s eyes flickered to the ground. “I like to play the queen of hearts and never thought I'd lose. I rolled the dice but never showed my hand. I planned it out so perfectly, so you'd never leave a girl like me. I was a fool, but now I understand.”

Quinn met Rachel’s eyes again. Out of her peripheral vision, Quinn saw Brittany raise an eyebrow, but she chose to ignore it. Brittany wasn’t known for being perceptive anyway.

”Here is the law of the land-- you play with fire and you'll get burned. Here is the lesson I've learned--that you don't know what you've got ‘til it's gone.”

Quinn sang the chorus again, and then finished the song. Everyone clapped and Quinn accepted it shyly, glancing down at the ground, but she saw Rachel looking at her and Quinn felt hopeful.

Rachel raised her hand. “I’ll go next,” she said. She stood up. “I didn’t get sheet music though,” she said, apologizing. “Could I just play piano?” She smiled at Earl. “Sorry, Earl.”

“I could use a break,” he said with an easy smile.

“Of course, Rachel,” said Mr. Schuester.

Rachel got up, sat at the piano and took a deep breath. “I know this is a cheesy song,” she announced before she began playing. “Don’t mock me for it, because I know. I just like it.”

Quinn saw Santana roll her eyes, but there was no spite in it. Rachel managed to win Santana over, slowly, so that even if they weren’t exactly friends, they could usually be counted on to have each other’s backs on principle alone.

“You believe, that I've changed your life forever and you're never gonna find another somebody like me. And you wish, you had more than just a lifetime to give back all I've given you and that's what you believe. But I owe you the sunlight in the morning, and the nights of all this loving that time can't take away.”

Quinn wished she could make eye contact with Rachel, but the brunette was just looking straight ahead as she sang. Rachel was clearly playing from memory, but she didn’t seem to be having any problems with it.

”And I owe you more than life, now more than ever. I know it's sweetest debt I'll ever have to pay. I'm amazed when you say it's me you live for, you know that when I'm holding you, you're right where you belong. And my love, I can't help but smile with wonder, when you tell me all I've done for you, 'cause I've known all along that I owe you the sunlight in the morning and the nights of all this loving that time can't take away.”

Rachel finished the song and Puck commented that the song truly was cheesy, but his mocking was gentle. Santana looked suspicious and Finn looked confused, but Brittany turned to give Quinn a smile and Quinn had to wonder if maybe Brittany was more perceptive than she let on. Quinn beamed as Rachel walked back to her, and Rachel smiled back.

“Good job,” Quinn said, leaning toward Rachel.

“Thanks,” Rachel said. She leaned toward Quinn and put their heads together. “I meant it,” she whispered softly, hoping that it was quiet enough that only Quinn could hear. Mr. Schuester was talking, so it was likely that no one else did hear.

“Me too,” Quinn said softly.

\--

They walked to Rachel’s car together after Glee practice. Rachel was subdued and quiet, and although Quinn wanted to talk, she followed Rachel’s lead and stayed quiet.

Once they got into the car, Rachel didn’t start her car as she normally did. She put the key in the ignition, but didn’t turn it. Rachel looked like she wanted to say something, but she didn’t. The picked up Janie and then they drove to Quinn’s house. Janie was asleep in the backseat, since driving tended to make her fall asleep.

“Thanks for the ride,” Quinn said softly, afraid to disturb whatever mood that Rachel was in.

“It’s a lot harder being your friend than I thought it would be,” Rachel responded quietly, her head bowed as she stared down at her steering wheel. It was germane to nothing, but Rachel had been stewing with it for a while and now she needed to say it.

Quinn swallowed hard. “Are you telling me you don’t want to be friends either?”

Rachel turned to look at her, anxious. “No,” she assured. “That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying…” she cleared her throat and she averted her eyes. She turned to stare straight ahead and wrapped her arms around herself, her head bowing again to stare straight down at her steering wheel. “I thought it would be easier just being friends,” she said softly. “But it’s not.”

“Rachel?” Quinn asked softly.

“I miss you,” Rachel confessed in a whisper.

Quinn felt a lump rise in her throat. Her eyes lingered on Rachel, but Rachel was resolutely staring at the steering wheel. She was almost curled into a tiny ball.

“I’ve been right here,” Quinn said quietly.

“I know,” Rachel said.

They were quiet for a while. Rachel seemed like she needed some time to think and Quinn was more than willing to give it to her.

“I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me,” Rachel said softly.

“Never again,” Quinn promised vehemently.

“Damn,” Rachel swore quietly. She leaned back and turned her head to look at Quinn warily. “When did this happen between us?”

Quinn slouched down in the passenger seat. “You’re asking me? One day, I’m drawing dirty pictures of you in the bathroom and the next day, I’m planning my entire day around running into you.”

Rachel raised her eyebrows. “You did that?”

Quinn pouted. “Shut up.”

Rachel laughed. “But we’ve had classes together since, like, the sixth grade.”

“Shut up!”

“And we saw each other in Glee practice.”

“Shut up!”

Rachel laughed. “You’re cute,” she murmured affectionately.

Quinn looked at her. “Are you going to run away now?”

Lately, Rachel had a habit of saying that to her and then running away almost immediately afterward. It was turning into a real head game, even if Rachel didn’t intend it that way.

Rachel blushed. “Shut up.”

Quinn laughed softly. But she became serious again. “What are you trying to tell me?” she asked quietly.

“I miss this,” Rachel said quietly, reaching for Quinn’s hand and holding it.

“Me too,” Quinn said, she laced her fingers with Rachel’s.

“And I miss…” Rachel’s face came very near, her eyes lingering on Quinn’s eyes, before flickering down to stare at Quinn’s mouth. Rachel’s eyes flickered to the side, and she pulled back, ever so slightly. “You should go and get Janie in the house,” she whispered.

“Rachel,” Quinn said softly.

“What?” Rachel asked quietly.

“I miss this, too,” Quinn whispered. She brought her free hand up to gently cup Rachel’s neck.

Rachel lowered her eyes and then peeked up at Quinn through her lashes. “It’s not enough to just be your friend,” she admitted thickly. She tugged her hand away from Quinn and moved back so that her back rested against the driver’s side door. “My mom wants me to live with her,” she said softly. “She has for a while, and I was thinking about it a lot lately.”

“Because of what I did?” Quinn asked quietly.

Rachel shook her head. “No, no, of course not,” she said. “Not really anyway. I just started thinking it would be easier not to be around you at all because it really wasn’t enough just to be your friend.”

Rachel used to think breaking up was the most cliché thing on the planet. After all, everyone broke up with everyone. Breaking up was just a part of life, and Rachel genuinely thought it would be over and done with, and she could move on to the next person, eventually. She’d been determined to keep Quinn as a friend and find someone else, maybe even start dating Noah again. But trying to put that into practice had been exceedingly difficult. She just couldn’t do it, and then being friends with Quinn again, spending time with her again like they used to do-- it was wonderful to be near Quinn, but it was terrible that it just wasn’t enough.

She’d almost called her mother at least a dozen times a day. She’d practiced things to tell her fathers, but ultimately she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t hurt her fathers by telling them she’d want to live with someone who was now so hateful to them. She couldn’t ask for something from a person who didn’t seem all that interested in wanting her close as much as she wanted to get her away from her two gay dads. Her mother was just a mother in terms of biology, in all the ways that word was important, she was not a mother. Rachel tried to remind herself of that as much as possible, but she could never quite make herself believe it one hundred percent.

“Are you moving?” Quinn demanded, her voice rising. “Oh my God, you’re moving aren’t you?” Quinn remembered Janie was in the car and she turned back to see that Jane was still asleep. She lowered her voice, but her words came out in a fierce hiss. “And this whole week with you singing songs was just your way of--”

“Quinn!” Rachel hissed, snapping her finger’s in Quinn’s face to get the blonde’s attention. “God, I was trying to tell you that I love you, you loudmouth! I’m not moving. You are always interrupting me.”

“You’re not moving?” Quinn asked, it came out more breathless than she intended.

“No.”

“Then what the hell were you bringing that up for?” Quinn demanded, clutching her hand to her heart, and then immediately feeling like a dork for actually clutching her heart.

“I was telling the story!”

“And you put the part that gives me a heart attack at the very end? Do you know how to tell a story?”

Rachel huffed. “Do you pay attention in English at all? That’s how the story should be structured. And I have two gay fathers, I know how to tell a story. And anyway, I wasn’t even done, you just interrupted me. I was getting to it.”

“You couldn’t have, like, put that at the beginning and said, ‘Quinn, I was thinking about moving, but I’m not’? You really couldn’t have put it like that? That was the way you should have told it.”

“Okay, so maybe I didn’t learn how to tell a story from Vacation Bible School, but I know how to tell a story.”

“Vaca--” Quinn sputtered incredulously. “You just ripped my heart out by making me think you were moving because of me and you’re making fun of me for going to Vacation Bible School?”

“You really went?” Rachel asked quizzically.

Quinn sighed. “You’re an idiot. I hate you.”

Rachel grinned at her. “I guess we’re going back to the start,” she commented.

Quinn tried to suppress a grin and failed. “I still hate you, and you’re still an idiot.”

“I don’t particularly like you, either,” Rachel said with a smile.

“You really did make me feel like I was having a heart attack,” Quinn said softly, she reached for one of Rachel’s hands and brought it up to her heart.

Rachel flattened her palm against Quinn’s chest. “Sorry,” she said softly, feeling Quinn’s heartbeat quicken, just as she knew her own did. “Anyway, as I was saying, before you interrupted me,” Rachel said, pulling her hand away from Quinn’s chest and cupping the sides of Quinn’s neck with both hands. “It isn’t enough just to be your friend.”

“No,” Quinn agreed. “It’s not.”

They stared at one another for a long moment, their breath coming out in soft exhales.

Rachel withdrew her hands. “I’ll help you get Janie inside,” she said, scrambling out of the car.

“Damn,” Quinn whispered with a frustrated sigh.

Rachel opened the driver’s side passenger door to unbelt the car seat. She unlatched Janie and held her close.

“You should just leave the car seat,” Rachel told Quinn, who was now standing next to her. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Quinn said quietly.

They walked into the house. Her parents weren’t home yet, and Quinn was relieved. The more time she spent without them around, the happier she was. Rachel followed Quinn into Jane’s room and set Jane in the play pen, since Jane was now awake.

Quinn peeked over the play pen and cupped her daughter’s cheek. “I’m just going to walk Rachel to her car, baby,” she said. “I’ll be right back.”

Jane smiled up at her and gurgled happily, and Quinn felt the disappointments of her day wash away. Once Rachel started pulling away from her after the Slushie attack, she tried to tell herself that her baby girl was all she ever really needed. Sometimes, she even sort of believed it, because Jane truly was the most important thing in her life.

Quinn followed Rachel as they walked out of Jane’s bedroom. They passed Quinn’s room on the way and Rachel suddenly pulled Quinn by the arm into the blonde’s bedroom.

“What are you--”

Rachel closed the door and slammed Quinn’s back against the door. Her mouth pressed up against Quinn’s in a heated, urgent kiss.

Rachel’s mouth was hot against Quinn’s and her hands were clenching the hair in the back of Quinn’s scalp. Quinn felt very warm all over and she moaned, her hands coming up to circle Rachel’s waist. She pulled the brunette in as close as she could.

Rachel pulled her mouth away. “I couldn’t do this with Janie in the car,” she said quietly. “I’ve been wanting to do that all day,” she whispered starkly. She ran her thumb across Quinn’s lower lip. “You are just so perfect,” she said, her voice rough with emotion and want. “You’re all I think about.” Her head dipped down to nip the dip between Quinn’s neck and her collarbone.

Quinn gasped and she held onto Rachel a little tighter, needing the support. She was glad her back was against her door. “Rachel,” Quinn ground out. “Fuck.” She was a little bewildered, this whole thing was just so sudden

“Tell me you love me,” Rachel pleaded in Quinn’s ear, even as Rachel’s hands groped at the blonde. The top of Rachel’s head was pressed into Quinn’s neck. “Tell me you love me,” she begged again. “Say it.”

Quinn could barely think, and it took the third request for her to really register what Rachel was even saying.

“I love you,” Quinn moaned.

Rachel kissed her again, their mouths coming together, lips parting, tongues meeting. Rachel sucked on Quinn’s lower lip, and bit down gently. Quinn moaned into Rachel’s mouth and tried to pull Rachel even closer, but Rachel tore her lips from Quinn’s.

“Am I lovable?” Rachel asked in a whisper, her voice so very small.

Quinn could feel moisture touch her neck and she realized Rachel was crying.

“Of course you’re lovable,” Quinn breathed out. “You’re so lovable. I love you so much.” She wanted to ask Rachel if she was okay, wanted to see Rachel’s face. But  
one of Rachel’s hands reached under Quinn’s shirt and cupped a breast. Quinn gasped at the sensation. That was about as far as they’d ever gotten, and they hadn’t gone that far each and every time they were together. Quinn thought for a moment that maybe she was imagining things.

“Is this what you miss?” Rachel asked insistently. “Is this why it’s not enough to be my friend?” She kissed Quinn’s neck again, her hands running over Quinn’s body.

Quinn immediately thought of the night she’d pathetically begged Rachel to sleep with her. She’d been ready to strip down if Rachel asked her, and she genuinely believed that maybe if she’d just slept with Rachel, than maybe it would have given Rachel something more to miss, and then maybe it would have been easier to forgive her. Quinn was not always delicate with Rachel Berry-related things, but she knew she had to be delicate now.

Quinn grasped Rachel’s face in her hands and pulled away from the brunette. So that she could look into Rachel’s eyes. She cupped Rachel’s face in her hands and could see that Rachel was definitely crying, Quinn wasn’t just imagining it. Quinn grabbed Rachel’s hands, intertwining their fingers on both hands.

“I did miss this,” Quinn admitted quietly. “But this wasn’t why I missed you.”

She released Rachel’s hands, reached up and wiped at Rachel’s eyes.

“You used to talk to me,” Quinn said quietly. “And it wasn’t always about something important, sometimes you’d come up to me at school and you’d say something completely random about something I never think about, like, if a face full of green make-up is super bad for your pores or whatever and--”

“I thought it was a legitimate question,” Rachel said, sniffling. She was embarrassed for herself now, and she couldn’t meet Quinn’s eyes anymore. She was just trying to see exactly what it was about her that Quinn was trying so hard to get back, since no one else seemed to see her the way Quinn saw her. But she’d thought about it a lot, and she wondered if maybe Quinn didn’t see her as anything special at all, just a warm body she was comfortable with. Quinn was vulnerable these days, and Rachel knew Quinn wanted all the comfort she could get. But she’d exposed a lot more of herself than she intended, and now she just couldn’t look Quinn in the eye. Now she just wanted to go home.

“We were in the middle of math class. You were completely incomprehensible at that moment.”

“I need to go home,” Rachel said softly. “I really need to go home. Right now,” she said, her voice rising and starting to border on hysteria. “I really have to go.” She started to leave.

“Wait,” Quinn said urgently. She grabbed Rachel by the upper arms, just under the shoulders. “I need to tell you what I mean, just let me tell you,” she said. “I just meant that I missed the way you used to talk to me. I missed how you used to tell me you love me.”

“I do love you.”

“I know,” Quinn said. “But you used to not be confused about it, and I miss it when you weren’t confused.”

Quinn pressed her lips briefly to Rachel’s lips. She broke the kiss, but their faces remained close together. “I missed this,” Quinn repeated. “But this isn’t why I’ve missed you. And this isn’t why it’s not enough just being your friend.” Quinn swallowed hard. “You treated me differently after I became your girlfriend. It’s not that it was better, it was just different. You would tell me things about you, and I felt like…maybe you trusted me. That maybe you were telling me those things because you were you and I was me. When you talked to me, when we hung out, I thought it was because you loved me. And I miss that, because it just changed overnight You changed, and I know it was my fault, but once it was gone, once you were gone, I missed everything we had..” Quinn pecked Rachel’s lips, careful not to make the kiss linger. “This was just one little part of it. It’s not even the part that mattered most.”

Rachel looked unsure. “We can still do this and just be friends,” she posited apprehensively. “If you want.”

“But it’s not what I want, we could do that and it still wouldn’t be enough,” Quinn whispered. “It was just a tiny part,” Quinn repeated, hoping Rachel would understand. “It was a side dish, not the entrée.”

It was ridiculous to be in this position, because really, the physical things were great, but she was conflicted about taking things further, physically, so for Rachel to somehow believe that the physical was the big draw in this relationship was sort of ridiculous. It didn’t hurt, of course, but Quinn was afraid that not going further would result in her losing Rachel for good, and apparently Rachel seemed to believe that all this physicality was all she was interested in. It would be funny, if it weren’t happening to her.

That seemed to reach Rachel because the brunette chuckled softly. “What is with you and the food metaphors? Are you pregnant again?”

Quinn swatted at Rachel’s shoulder. “Not unless you’re really really talented.”

Rachel laughed but then looked somber.

“We can be friends,” Quinn said thickly. “If that’s what you want.” It would rip her guts out and it would be painful, but if it was all Rachel wanted, then she would have to accept that. “But…” she licked Rachel’s lower lip and pecked the brunette’s lips. “This is not what I’m going to miss most about being with you if that’s what you choose,” Quinn whispered. “We could make out all night, we could be friends with benefits, but if you stopped really talking to me, talking to me the way you used to, if you don’t look at me the way you used it, it still won’t be enough.”

“Not for me, either,” Rachel said quietly.

She kissed Quinn again. Quinn touched Rachel’s cheek, just under her right eye, just to make sure. Rachel wasn’t crying, and Quinn couldn’t help but grin as Rachel kissed her.

\--

“Okay, just so we’re clear,” Quinn began to say, as she walked Rachel to the door thirty minutes later. Rachel wanted to leave before the Fabrays got home, and though Quinn was disappointed, she couldn’t blame Rachel. “We’re--”

“Girlfriends,” Rachel confirmed. She grinned at the blonde.

Quinn grinned back. “If you pick me up early tomorrow, I’ll buy you breakfast after we drop Janie off.”

Rachel raised an eyebrow. “You spoil me with those Egg McMuffins.”

Quinn grinned. “Nothing’s too good for my girl.”

Quinn opened the front door and blinked at the cold air coming into the house. “It’s cold,” she commented.

Rachel grinned. “But I’ve got the month of May,” she sang.

Quinn shook her head affectionately. She loved that song, but she had a tendency to like songs that could be heard on Lima’s Oldies radio station. “Drive carefully.”

Rachel did a little dance and grinned at Quinn. “I’ve got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees” she sang softly as she danced. “Well, I guess you’d say, what can make me feel this way?” she continued to sing. She gave a little wave and left the house, backing away slowly and singing the entire time.

Quinn shook her head. “You’re going to catch a cold!” she called after Rachel.

Rachel waved and Quinn shook her head again.

“Go home, crazy person!” Quinn yelled, laughing.

“My girl, my girl, my girl,” Rachel sang as loudly as she could as she walked to her car. She was still walking backwards. “Talking about my girl. My girl!”

“You’re going to trip and fall!” Quinn called back, although she could not contain her smile.

Rachel reached her car, and gave a little wave before she got in. Quinn waved and finally closed the door with a laugh.

As soon as she closed the door, Quinn could hear her phone ringing upstairs. She recognized the ringtone and knew it was Rachel. She ran up the stairs to answer it, and before she could even say hello, she heard:

“I don’t need no money, fortune or fame. I’ve got all the riches baby, one woman can claim. Well, I guess, you’d say, what can make me feel this way?”

Quinn chuckled affectionately, and had to join in. “My girl, my girl, my girl,” they sang together. “Talking about my girl. My girl!”

“I love you,” Rachel said softly. “Have a good night.”

“I love you, too.” Quinn breathed. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Quinn heard Rachel make a little satisfied, contented noise and then Rachel hung up.

Quinn clutched her phone to her chest, flopped backward onto her bed and smiled up at the ceiling. She curled onto her side, grabbed one of her pillows and screamed into it happily. She hugged her pillow, as though she were hugging Rachel. She smiled dopily and then sat up. She walked into her daughter’s room and picked Jane out of the play pen.

“Guess who loves me again?” she cooed at Jane.

Quinn swore that Janie seemed to understand, because her daughter’s hand came to rest on her cheek, and Janie just beamed at her like Janie was happy for her.

“She loves me,” Quinn whispered into Jane’s ear, cuddling her daughter to her chest. “She loves me.”


	10. Chapter 10

Quinn walked alongside Rachel who was seemed to be talking a mile a minute. How that girl could talk like an auctioneer, even when she wasn’t on drugs, Quinn would never know, but she also wondered how such a voice came from such a little body, too, so some things were meant to be mysterious. Rachel was constantly the source of awe and amusement, and so it wasn’t so surprising that she would be capable of talking more quickly than Quinn was able to follow. This was a characteristic that would follow Rachel for the rest of her life. When they got older and Rachel started to build more success in her career, she never ceased to be excited every time she got some new part or recorded some CD, and each time, there would be an excited voicemail left for Quinn that probably comprised an entire half-page if properly transcribed, but only lasted about 45 seconds in duration. Sometimes, it sounded like one long high-pitched tone, like in a hearing test.

Still, while they were in high school, they were stuck with high school constraints like going to class and completing assignments. As far was Quinn could tell, Rachel was upset about some assignment in class that had been due and Rachel was slightly late in turning in.

“So I explained to Mr. Liu that the internet was down at our house last night, and therefore, there was no reasonable way for me to have posted the assignment to the class website, which by the way, I told him that I hoped he would take it down after the semester is over, because it’s public and if they keep every class up there like he did for the last few classes, then someone could get access to some potentially embarrassing information. So--”

“Uhm, did you tell him that?” Quinn interrupted.

“Yes, of course,” Rachel said. “My intellectual property is very important to me.”

Quinn desperately wanted to say something in response to that, but Rachel was already on a warpath and kind of in the mood to rant, so she bit her tongue and let her girlfriend continue, because honestly, she thought Rachel was ridiculously cute when she was outraged. When Rachel was genuinely outraged, she did this thing where she waved her arms in the air, as if she had so much rage, she had no other choice but to dramatically put her arms in the air. She looked so hilariously angry when she did that, so Quinn always wanted to laugh and grab Rachel in a hug, even when she knew Rachel was genuinely outraged. When Rachel was in a bad mood, she tended to withdraw and wanted to be left alone. This was pretty rare, because despite the way other kids tended to treat Rachel pretty terribly, it didn’t seem to bring Rachel overly down, so it wasn’t very often Rachel was in a really rotten, bad mood. But when she was, it was pretty obvious and it was also pretty obvious she wanted to be left alone, but Quinn couldn’t help it. For some reason, when Rachel was in a bad mood, she just wanted to bug Rachel even more, even if she knew it could result in a potentially bone-withering glare. And she didn’t always do it to cheer her girlfriend up.

Last week, when her girlfriend had only been her girlfriend again for two weeks, Rachel was clearly moody and wanted to be left alone, but Quinn could not resist the urge to antagonize the brunette. So when she saw Rachel at her locker, Quinn walked to her, poked one of her index fingers into Rachel’s arm, cocked her head to one side and told her girlfriend she was looking particularly short that day. Rachel did the most adorable pout ever, and then within seconds, her arms were flapping in the air and she unleashed a tirade about people who were differentially statured, and not everyone was blessed to be a tall, thin blonde, Quinn. She stomped away, her arms still flapping in the air and still ranting. An hour later, after their class got out, Rachel approached her between classes, looking contrite. She apologized and then conceded that she was short. When they got together during lunch in the pottery room, Rachel let Quinn grope her breasts in apology.

At the moment, however, Rachel wasn’t in a bad mood so much as she just wanted to rant.

“So what did Mr. Liu say about the intellectual property thing?” Quinn asked. She had no idea what potentially embarrassing information that Rachel was referring to in an assignment for AP American history, but Rachel tended to overthink things, and Quinn wasn’t about to ask. She didn’t need a dissertation on the subject, she just wanted the abstract.

“He didn’t respond,” Rachel said. “Anyway, so I emailed him from my phone last night, but it’s not like I had the assignment on my phone. I told him I was emailing him from my phone and every email I send says it was sent by my phone! I told him I’d come in today and post it to the class website before class. But when I saw him in class, he said my assignment was late and that it would have to be deducted a full letter grade, a full letter grade! So then I said, that wasn’t fair because his assignment was contingent on the belief that everyone in class has access to the internet!”

The whole thing came out as in one breath and Quinn was afraid Rachel would turn blue from the lack of oxygen because she didn’t hear Rachel take a breath the entire time, but Rachel seemed just fine.

“Uhm, but you have access to the internet. I think everyone in your class does.”

“That’s the assumption! Anyway. I was highly upset that he docked me an entire letter grade for turning in an assignment a few hours late. The internet was down!”

“Why didn’t you just come over to my house with your laptop?” Quinn asked. “Our internet was fine.”

Rachel pouted. “I thought about it, but you said I was on a time-out for 24 hours.” She glanced at her watch. “And that expired ten minutes ago,” which was exactly when she approached Quinn.

Quinn sighed. “You weren’t actually on a time-out,” she said crossly. “But you told me I looked fat!”

“But why did you tell me I was on a time-out if I wasn’t?” Rachel asked reasonably. “I never said you looked fat, either. I still vehemently reject that claim. All I said was that your breasts looked particularly large in the shirt you were wearing. It was an observation and a complimentary one, at that. ”

Quinn sighed again. There were times when Rachel used way too much metaphor, and then there were times when Rachel was painfully literal, and Quinn could never be sure. She hadn’t truly meant for Rachel to believe she was on a time-out, but she had taken Rachel’s remark as a comment on her weight, which she was still a little self-conscious about. It really wasn’t the weight so much as the way her body changed after Jane.

“I am not your mother,” Quinn declared. “I can not give you a time-out, because I am not your mother. I do not parent you. I do not have the power to give you a time out, because I am not your mother.”

Rachel grinned slyly and gave Quinn a long, side-long glance. “Well, I know that,” she said, her voice lowering a little bit. “Or else we’d have some pretty big problems.”

Quinn grinned back. “Perv,” she whispered.

“I’m going to talk to Principal Figgins and go over Liu’s head,” Rachel declared. “He is being unreasonably stringent! Mr. Liu may be attractive, but he is pig-headed.”

“Are you still going on about that?” Santana asked, as she joined them. “You need to get over it.”

Now Quinn was sandwiched between Rachel and Santana as they walked down the hall.

“You need to get over… whatever!” Rachel said crossly, not sure what Santana needed to get over, but she felt the need to tell Santana to get over it.

“Well, some of us turned the assignment in on time,” Santana said.

“Well, some of us didn’t have access to the internet last night!”

“Well, some of us should have made alternative arrangements instead of whining to the teacher about it!”

“Well, some--”

“Oh my God,” Quinn said, putting her hands up in frustration. “Both of you, shut up. You’re both on time-outs!” she exclaimed, walking away from her girlfriend and her friend.

Santana and Rachel stepped closer together as they watched Quinn walk away.

“Janie’s not old enough to get time-outs,” Santana commented. “What’s her deal with time-outs lately?”

“She put me on one yesterday,” Rachel admitted grudgingly. It was strangely titillating for her though. She did not even want to begin to contemplate what that could mean.

“She put me on one yesterday, too,” Santana said. She grabbed Rachel’s wrist to look at her watch. “It just expired.” She sighed. “Here we go again,” she commented. She dropped Rachel’s wrist. “Come on,” she said. “I’ll walk you to class.”

Santana and Rachel shared an elective, cooking, together. Sometimes, they paired up for assignments, but it typically ended with one getting angry with the other one. Usually Santana with Rachel with Rachel being confused as to why Santana was so upset. There had been more than a few snippy comments exchanged toward one another over email and over Twitter.

“Okay,” Rachel agreed.

\--

“I come in peace,” Rachel said, when she approached Quinn later that day. She held up her left hand, palm facing toward Quinn. In her right hand, she held a pen with a little white flag made out of notebook paper attached to it.

Quinn chuckled. “You’re a nerd.” She reached out to grab Rachel by the waist to pull her closer, but then realized they were at school and she couldn’t be so demonstrative. She reached for Rachel’s arm instead.

“I know,” Rachel acknowledged. “Are you mad?”

Quinn raised an eyebrow. “No, of course not. I just didn’t want to hear you and Santana go at each other about Mr. Liu’s class again.”

Rachel lowered her head and grinned. “But it’s kind of fun,” she said.

Santana’s intimidating luster had worn off with all the time they spent together in Glee. Santana could still make a truly scathing remark, and also look at a person like she’d just smelled something really awful, but Rachel wasn’t as intimidated by Santana as she used to be.

“Kurt was right, it really is so unholy when you guys agree on something,” Quinn remarked, because she knew Santana kind of enjoyed sniping with Rachel. There was some downright affection between those two, even if neither of them could admit it. Santana, after all, had taken Rachel’s side after the Slushie incident.

Rachel chuckled. “I wish people would stop saying that,” she said, not because it was true, but just because it seemed like something she should say.

Quinn smiled at her affectionately. “Do you want to come over today?”

“I can’t,” Rachel said apologetically. “I have a ton of studying to catch up on.”

“We could study together,” Quinn suggested, with sly grin.

Rachel raised her eyebrows. “We don’t get a lot of studying done,” she said. “And anyway, your mom and dad sometimes walk in without knocking and it freaks me out. It’s like they’re trying to catch us doing something.” Rachel rubbed her stomach. “It’s going to give me an ulcer.”

“You love the thrill of it,” Quinn teased.

“Sometimes,” Rachel said. “But sometimes it’s just kind of scary.”

Rachel never said anything about it before, so this was the first time it’d come up, but Quinn had always sensed there was anxiety about getting caught by her parents, because she felt that anxiety, too. She was sorry for disappointing her parents, but she wasn’t sorry about Jane and she wasn’t sorry about Rachel either. She lived practically as a prisoner in her parents’ house, she had limited privacy, and she was happier when she was out of the house when she was in it. When her parents were home, they pretty much ignored her, and she stayed in her room and didn’t want to venture out into the common areas of the house because it was so uncomfortable. And not only that, but she was always afraid of being on the receiving end of one of her parents’ diatribes. So the fact of the matter was, she felt a little entitled to having some fun, and she felt a little entitled to be able to make out with her girlfriend, and she sort of stopped caring about the consequences for her, unfortunately, she’d sort of stopped thinking about how Rachel might feel about the whole thing, too.

“Sorry,” Quinn said quietly.

“Oh,” Rachel said quickly. “No. No no no. Not like that,” she said. She glanced around and pulled Quinn aside. “I love it. I love you. It’s not a big deal at all,” she assured quietly. “I’d love to come over tonight.”

“I don’t want to make you feel like you’re obligated or anything,” Quinn said softly.

“I want to,” Rachel assured. “We’ll go to your house after we pick up Janie.” She smiled at Quinn. “I have to go though, I’m meeting with Figgins now. I’ll see you later.”

“Okay,” Quinn said quietly.

Rachel grinned at her and then did a demonstrative turn, her skirt swishing, and walked away.

\--

Rachel came over for dinner that night, and she is quiet at dinner, taking her cues from Mr. and Mrs. Fabray. It felt a little tense, but Quinn was glad that Rachel came anyway. It wasn’t very often that Rachel ate at her house, but when Rachel did, meal times tended to feel a little more bearable. Quinn didn’t eat dinner with her parents every night or anything, but in any given week, she ate dinner with them more nights than not.

After dinner, Rachel helped Quinn wash the dishes, and they went upstairs to Quinn’s bedroom. Jane played in her bouncer, scooting herself around the bedroom.

Quinn smiled affectionately at her daughter. Even though Puck could still be an ass, he was a decent father, but Jane was incredibly easy to love. She was so sweet-natured and she just seemed a lot easier than she should be. He would have her tomorrow for a few days, and while she would miss her daughter, she was glad that Janie had a father who stepped up to his responsibilities. And anyway, if Puck didn’t, Finn would have fought him, because Finn loved Jane like she was his own. The attention and devotion Finn gave to Janie…Quinn considered herself truly blessed in that aspect, because no matter how hard things got for her, she knew her daughter was loved.

Rachel was lying on her stomach on the floor at the food of Quinn’s bed. She was reading her history textbook and making notes in a spiral notebook. Whenever Janie would get too close, Rachel would pick up her notebook so it wouldn’t get rolled over by Janie’s bouncer, and also so that Janie wouldn’t have to step on it.

“I don’t want her to get a paper cut,” Rachel explained.

Quinn sat on her bed, her back against the backboard. Rachel liked her space, literally speaking, when she studied. She liked to spread everything out. Rachel took up a lot of space when she studied. Quinn thought it bordered on sort of ridiculous. She was reading her AP European History book, but she didn’t feel particularly compelled to take notes at the moment. She didn’t care about the Crimean war, and no one would ever make her. Besides, how could she focus on European History, which, by definition, took place in the past in Europe, when her girlfriend was right there, on her stomach, which meant her butt was in the air. Rachel had one leg in the air and was absently raising it up and down, and Quinn had to admit, she was sneaking peeks. Rachel’s butt was cute.

Quinn’s mother barged in, as usual, without knocking. Quinn had no idea what her mother hoped to accomplish, what she hoped to catch her doing. She was just glad she’d never been caught because Rachel did make a valiant attempt to study every time she was over at the house. It was just that Quinn made an equally valiant attempt to distract her by encouraging Rachel to play poker for favors (like carrying books and taking notes for the week in Algebra 2) or a round of Pictionary, because she could usually make Rachel blush by drawing dirty pictures.

Jane had stopped walking around the room in her bouncer and was staring up at her grandmother quietly.

“Your dad and I are going to bed,” her mother announced. “So try to be quiet.”

“We will,” Quinn and Rachel chorused.

Quinn’s mother’s eyes flickered to where Rachel who was still on the floor, but had sat up by then, peering up at Mrs. Fabray, the picture of innocence and guilelessness.

Quinn felt her mother’s eyes on her.

“It’s a school night, don’t stay up too late.”

“We won’t,” Rachel assured. “I need to get home soon.”

“Good night, Rachel. Good night, Quinn.” Mrs. Fabray smiled down at Janie. “Goodnight, Janie.”

It was a rare moment of tenderness that her mother had shown her daughter, and Quinn hoped it meant that her parents would ease up on them both soon.

Rachel stood up, walked over to Jane, pulled her out of the bouncer and flopped onto the bed with Quinn. Janie giggled, and instead of crawling to Quinn, Janie cuddled up to Rachel.

Rachel cooed at Jane. “Hello, beautiful!” she called, bringing her face very close to Janie’s. She reached out and stroked her thumb across Janie’s eyebrow.

Quinn had a very vivid memory of Rachel doing the same thing to her once as well. She felt something she could not quite define, it hit her somewhere between her throat and her chest. Rachel was always so tender with Jane.

Rachel held Jane to her chest and then leaned backwards so that she could press up against Quinn.

“You let me study tonight,” Rachel commented, pleased. “We even did our math homework together.”

“Well, you did say you had a ton of work to do,” Quinn said. “I drew you a picture though.” Quinn passed Rachel a textbook with a white bookcover on it. It was Rachel’s textbook, but she felt compelled to draw on it, mainly because it was Rachel’s textbook. She opened it and showed Rachel the drawing on the inner flap.

Rachel’s cheeks turned crimson. “Quinn,” she gasped, giggling. Her hand pressed over the drawing, as though the action would erase it.

Quinn giggled. “Don’t show anyone.” Jane had shifted from cuddling up to Rachel to cuddling up to Quinn. Quinn wrapped her arms around her daughter and held her close.

“I think I could get a fine if I did,” Rachel commented.

She and Quinn shared a grin. Rachel reached out to stroke the back of Jane’s head, her hand running gently through the baby’s soft hair. Years later, when Jane would dye her hair jet black as a fifteen year old teenager, it was Rachel who wailed that Jane used to have hair that looked like gold. Quinn just felt like it was better to choose her battles. Over the years, no matter how distant or close she and Rachel got, and their relationship definitely had its ebbs and flows, Quinn was always grateful that Rachel was consistently sweet to Janie and then later on, Quinn’s other children.

In that moment, however, Rachel cupped Quinn’s cheek in one of her hands. They smiled at one another again.

“You’re pretty,” Rachel murmured.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Quinn said lightly, although she was both touched and flattered by how sincere Rachel sounded.

Rachel pulled her hand away. “Noah has Jane tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah,” Quinn said.

She did not want to comment on how much it truly rankled her that Rachel called him Noah. She could never look at Puck as being anyone other than Puck. Even when he was good to her, she still couldn’t conceive him as Noah. This was just one of those things she’d have to accept. Rachel liked Puck and called him Noah. Noah liked Rachel, and at least on Rachel’s end, it was a platonic thing. She trusted Rachel.

“Do you think you can come over tomorrow and hang out at my house for a while?”

“I’ll ask,” Quinn said. She was on a very short leash now. “But I’m sure my parents will say yes.”

“Good,” Rachel said, smiling because she was pleased.

\--

Quinn’s parents were fine with her going to Rachel’s house the next day, since it was a Friday anyway, and they were even okay with her coming home late. It was sort of surprising because typically, they told her what time to come home by, but they didn’t this time, so Quinn assumed she could be home whenever she wanted, as long as it was before the sun coming up. Jane was with Noah and his family for a couple days, and despite the fact she already missed her baby, she knew Jane was safe and loved where she was at.

Puck picked up Janie from her house and then he dropped her off at Rachel’s on his way back to his house. He came in for a few minutes to chat with Rachel and Quinn wondered what the hell Puck had to say to Rachel in the couple of hours since they’d last seen each other after Glee.

“Are we having dinner with your dads?” Quinn asked, as she walked into the house.

Rachel was walking slightly ahead of her and Quinn trailed after her as she walked through the living room to follow Rachel to the dining room.

“Date night,” Rachel reminded her.

Her dads still managed to have their weekly Friday. It didn’t happen every Friday, anymore, but they tried.

“I think that’s cute,” Quinn said. “Do you think we’ll do that when we’ve been together as long as your dads have?”

Rachel froze. She was shocked into silence for a moment and then semi-recovered. “Um. What?” she asked.

Quinn realized her mistake one moment too late. “Nothing,” she said hastily.

“Um, okay,” Rachel said, she started to walk again toward the dining room. “I, uh, ordered some Chinese. I made sure to get some chow fun, don’t worry.”

“Oh, great,” Quinn said, feeling awkward.

“Yeah, it should be here soon.”

Okay, so they were just totally going to ignore that just happened. Quinn was perfectly content with that option, and judging by the not-quite concealed panic on Rachel’s face, the brunette was okay with repressing it, too.

“What’s the occasion?” Quinn asked as she walked into the dining room to find the table was set very nicely with the good china and wine goblets. There were candles and the lights were dimmed.

Rachel shrugged. “Date night,” she said simply. She grinned at Quinn who grinned back.

Rachel fiddled with one of candles in the middle of the table, while Quinn sat down in one of the chairs at the end of it. She was standing on tip toe, leaning over the table when Rachel’s cell phone rang, but it wasn’t the ring tone that Quinn was accustomed to hearing. Quinn was closer to it and she reached for it just as Rachel hurried to get it.

Quinn picked up the phone, but didn’t answer it. “Here,” she said, her eyes flickering across Rachel’s face in curiosity. Rachel seemed way too eager to get to the phone before she could. She saw the caller ID and it was labeled “Mom.”

Rachel took the proffered phone quickly and sent it to voicemail. She set it back on the table, although this time, closer to her. She turned back to fiddle with the candles.

“I thought your dads said you weren’t allowed to talk to her.”

“To who?” Rachel asked brightly, feigning ignorance.

Quinn rolled her eyes. “I’m not stupid. I saw who was calling. It’s called caller ID.”

“Calling? Who was calling?”

“Really? You’re doing this?” Quinn asked. She would have thought this level of playing dumb was beneath Rachel.

“Okay!” Rachel burst out. “But you can not tell my dads. They would flip. They don’t know she and I are still in touch.”

“Of course I’m not going to tell your dads. You’re my girlfriend. I mean, I know she said you should live with her because your dads are gay, I just didn’t think you and your mom, like, talked regularly or anything. Not enough for her just to call you randomly.”

Rachel shifted and bit her lip. “Well, we do,” she said quietly.

The doorbell rang and Rachel was grateful for the interruption. “I’ll be right back,” she said. She kissed Quinn’s cheek and then practically ran for the door.

Quinn glanced behind her to make sure Rachel left the room and grabbed Rachel’s phone. She contemplated it for a moment, just staring at the screen. She fully intended to snoop, to look through Rachel’s calls and text messages to see just how much contact she was having with this so-called mother who was always saying Rachel should live with her in Philadelphia instead of with her fathers in Lima. But then she thought of the look on Rachel’s face if the brunette ever found out. First she would be hurt, then she would be angry, and then she would be hurt again, and when Rachel gave her that wounded expression, it felt like her heart was ripping out. She didn’t want to do anything to encourage that look, so she set the phone back on the table. Rachel trusted her enough to leave her phone lying right there, and she needed to respect that trust-- it wasn’t so long ago that she’d re-earned it.

Rachel brought the food into the dining room and set it on the table. She undid the knot on the bag and busied herself with pulling out the cartons of food. She began spooning it onto plates and set one down in front of Quinn.

“I should get the drinks. I bought some of that sparkling jasmine tea you like, I’ll go get it.”

Rachel gave her a brief smile and hurried into the kitchen. She came back a minute later and took a seat next to Quinn.

They said a quick grace together, Quinn because she was used to doing it, and it was also important to her, and Rachel because it was important to Quinn.

“Let’s eat,” Rachel said with forced cheer.

They ate in silence for a few minutes and then Rachel set down her fork.

“I probably should have mentioned it,” Rachel said. “But it’s really not all that fun to talk to her, so I didn’t think talking about her would be any different.”

“Okay,” Quinn said slowly. She set her fork down, too.

She didn’t get why Rachel put herself in that position. It’s not like this was Rachel’s mother by any definition other than biology. They’d talked about this specific issue a couple times, and she never saw a reason for why Rachel would want to have a relationship with her mother considering the way her mother was. It was one thing if she had to put up with it, the way Quinn had to put up with her parents, but Rachel didn’t have to put up with it.

“I’m having dinner with her next weekend. On Saturday,” Rachel admitted softly. “She still has family here.”

“Were you going to tell me about this?” Quinn asked, not because she was mad, but because she was curious.

“I was,” Rachel said, shifting uncomfortably. “But I was going to tell you later.” She paused. “Do you…um, do you want to meet her? You could come with me. She’s bringing her daughter, too, so it’s not like it’s going to be just the two of us or anything”

Quinn raised an eyebrow. “She has a daughter?”

Rachel nodded. “Leah. She’s six. It’ll be the first time I’m meeting her.”

There was no way Quinn was going to say no.

\--

Quinn volunteered to help Rachel wash the dishes, but since there were so few of them, it really consisted of Rachel washing the dishes at the sink and Quinn standing behind her, her arms wrapped around Rachel’s waist. She nuzzled Rachel’s neck and Rachel giggled and playfully pushed Quinn away.

“This is not helping me wash the dishes,” Rachel declared.

“Well, this is my idea of helping you,” Quinn teased.

“Well, you and I have very different definitions of help, then.”

Quinn raised an eyebrow. “You and I have very definitions of a lot of things,” she declared, laughing.

Rachel grinned and set the last dish in the dish rack. “No, I use the accepted dictionary definitions, you use your own perplexing definitions.”

“I’m perplexing?” Quinn asked. “You have met yourself, right?”

Rachel grinned crookedly at her. “What do you want to do tonight? We could go see a movie, or go to that thing at Matt’s house, I think everyone is going.”

Quinn wrapped her arms around Rachel’s waist again, although this time, they were standing face to face. “I kind of wanted some alone time with you,” she murmured. “Is that okay?”

Rachel grinned. “Let’s go to my room.”

\--

Rachel’s lips were on hers and Rachel’s body was pressed so tightly against hers, Quinn didn’t think there was any space between them. They were both lying on their sides, facing each other on Rachel’s bed. They’d been at it for a while, and Quinn’s body just ached for Rachel’s. Her underwear just felt uncomfortably constrictive and she was glad she was wearing a skirt because if she were wearing pants, she’d be suffering at the moment. Rachel’s leg slid between hers and Quinn gasped and jerked away from Rachel.

“What? What? Are you okay?” Rachel asked.

“Yeah,” Quinn gasped out. She was desperately turned on, and she was a little embarrassed by how turned on she really was. Once Rachel’s leg slid between her legs, Rachel would have felt how turned on Quinn was, and Quinn still found sex to be a little embarrassing and intimidating. She knew it was kind of stupid, after all, she had a baby, but she’d had sex once with Puck, and while she’d been close a few times, both with Finn and with Rachel, she was still treading on uncertain territory.

“Did I hurt you?” Rachel asked.

“No, no. Not at all,” Quinn assured quickly. “I just…I have a cramp.”

“Where?” Rachel asked. “On your back?”

Not quite. God, Rachel could be so innocent sometimes. It didn’t seem like her girlfriend suspected a thing.

“Yeah,” Quinn lied.

“Get on your stomach,” Rachel said. “I’ll rub it out.”

Quinn suppressed a sigh. Sometimes, Rachel could say the most suggestive things and not even know it.

“It’s okay, you don’t--“

Rachel was freakishly strong due to her years of dance, gymnastics and daily exercise. Rachel grabbed Quinn and flipped her onto her stomach in one quick, fluid motion. Quinn didn’t even know how it happened. One minute, she was practically crouched on her knees on Rachel’s bed and the next she was in Rachel’s arms and then she was on her stomach.

“I think I need to get a new bed,” Rachel said conversationally. “Because I’ve been waking up with backaches, so I’m not surprised that you got a cramp,” she said. “I’m sorry,” she apologized. Her hands reached under Quinn’s shirt and began to massage Quinn’s back. “Where’s the cramp?” she asked.

“Uhm, lower,” Quinn whispered. “On the right.”

Rachel’s hands kneaded Quinn’s back, on the right side, slightly above the rib cage. “Right there?”

“Yeah,” Quinn breathed.

“I felt a bunch of knots on your shoulders,” Rachel said, “I’ll get them out, too, okay?”

“Um, you don’t have to.”

“I want to!” Rachel said cheerfully.

Rachel continued to massage Quinn’s back, and Quinn’s body felt two completely contradictory things-- the massage felt incredibly good but she was getting increasingly agitated and nervous. She shifted, trying to rub her thighs together just a bit to relieve some of the tension she was feeling.

That didn’t help.

First of all, Quinn thought this was not even remotely a good way of cooling herself off. Her underwear felt sticky and constrictive and she desperately felt the need to take them off. Her whole body felt warm and she was getting increasingly more turned on as she felt Rachel’s hands rubbing in her skin-- and she felt every touch, every inch.

Secondly, how was Rachel so calm? She seemed completely unfazed. Rachel was completely conversational, going on about something she’d seen on television. Normally, Quinn found the way Rachel could ramble on to be kind of endearing and charming, but at the moment, Quinn found herself becoming increasingly agitated.

It was only a moment after she wondered how Rachel seemed so unfazed when she felt Rachel kiss the side of her neck.

“I just had to do that,” Rachel whispered, her breath warm against Quinn’s neck. She was hunched over Quinn’s warm back, straddling Quinn’s body, but all her body weight resting on her knees which were placed on either side of Quinn. Rachel’s hair tickled Quinn’s back and Rachel’s hands ran gently up Quinn’s body in a manner that was decidedly non-therapeutic. Quinn began to squirm and she shifted away from Rachel.

Quinn rolled onto her back and stared up at Rachel. She reached up to cup Rachel’s cheek. “I wanted you to,” she said honestly. She pulled Rachel down to her, and Rachel was straddled on top of her once again, only this time, they were face to face.

Their lips met again and they kissed hungrily, their lips and tongues moving feverishly. Quinn couldn’t take it anymore. She broke the kiss.

They lay on their sides, looking at one another.

“I have to take my underwear off,” Quinn admitted quietly, even her thighs felt slick. Quinn’s cheeks turned bright pink.

“Okay,” Rachel whispered. She swallowed hard. “I--I do, too,” she admitted. She couldn’t quite meet Quinn’s eyes when she said it, because she was ready to burst.

“Count of three?” Quinn teased lightly, because she wanted to keep the moment light.

“Agreed.”

“One,” Quinn said softly.

“Two.” Rachel whispered.

“Three,” they said together.

Neither of them moved.

“You lied,” Rachel teased accusingly.

“So did you,” Quinn pointed out, grinning. She stroked Rachel’s cheek. “What’s the holdup?” she joked.

They grinned at one another and they looked away from each other for just a beat.

“You know what it means if we do this, right?” Rachel said, tracing her hand across the waistband of Quinn’s skirt. “I mean, not that it would happen necessarily, but we’ve never--”

“I know,” Quinn said quietly. She stroked Rachel’s face.

They just couldn’t seem to keep their hands off each other, and Quinn wasn’t sure if that was a blessing or a curse at the moment.

“So we should just stop, right?” Rachel said softly. “Maybe I should take you home.”

“Rachel,” Quinn said, her voice quiet but firm. “If you do that to me right now, I will kill you.”

Rachel seemed momentarily taken aback by the comment and seemed to freeze. But then she grinned crookedly. “Why, Ms. Fabray,” she said, crooking her index, middle and ring fingers behind Quinn’s waistband. “Are you trying to tell me that lowly me really is turning you on?”

“Don’t make fun of me,” Quinn said softly. Her cheeks reddened again from the embarrassment God, how many times was she going to feel like she would die of embarrassment tonight? “You know that it’s true.”

Rachel understood her miscalculation and was immediately contrite.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized quickly. She swallowed hard and moved in closer to Quinn, her dark eyes seeming to burrow into Quinn. Rachel’s pupils were huge and dark and Quinn swallowed hard at the sight. She licked her lips.

“You…you…” Rachel cleared her throat Her head ducked down . Rachel swallowed hard again. “You really turn me on,” she blurted. She made a little noise of embarrassment and immediately turned around so her back was to Quinn. She buried her face into her pillow, clutched it and groaned. “That sounded so cheesy when I said it,” she bemoaned, practically wailing. This evening was not progressing the way it should.

Quinn giggled and she wrapped her arms around Rachel, her chin resting on Rachel’s shoulder.

“We’re nerds,” Quinn declared. “We’re supposed to turn each other on, or else we’d have a big problem.”

Rachel’s shoulder shook from silent laughter and she turned around to face Quinn. “It would be a tremendously big problem,” she agreed.

“Gargantuan,” Quinn murmured.

“Elephantine,” Rachel shot back.

“Monumental.”

“Brobdingnagian,” Rachel whispered.

They were studying for the SATs together, even though they were only juniors and didn’t have to take the test until their senior year. Rachel liked to be extremely, ridiculously prepared, and Quinn was starting to like the things Rachel liked on principle alone.

“Show off,” Quinn teased.

They giggled and then Quinn kissed her girlfriend. Underwear slipped off, followed slowly by their shirts, bras came off and finally, their skirts. It was quiet in the room outside of their own quiet cries. Every once in a while, there would be a tiny gasp of surprise or pain when they clumsily elbowed one another too hard or their hair would get caught in something, and it would be followed by soft giggling. Their bodies touched-- shoulders, breasts, hips-- legs intertwined, hand and fingers moved and explored, toes curled. Finally, they lay curled into each other, chests rising and falling.

“Is this where I proclaim my undying love?” Rachel asked softly. “It seems customary.”

Quinn grinned. “Well, don’t say it if you don’t mean it.”

“I declare my undying love,” Rachel dead-panned, though she stroked Quinn’s face as she said it to show that she genuinely did mean it. She grinned at the blonde.

Quinn grinned back. “I guess I love you, too.”

“That was quite the ringing endorsement.”

“Thank-you.”


	11. Chapter 11

Sitting at a table at an Applebee’s with Rachel, her biological mother and her biological mother’s daughter was like being in a really weird house of mirrors. Rachel was the spitting image of her mother and Rachel’s biological sister was the spitting image of Rachel at that age, Quinn knew this from seeing pictures at Rachel’s house-- Amy’s genes were clearly extremely dominant. Quinn knew she was a little biased, but she did think that Rachel was prettier than her mother. Rachel was undeniably related to Amy, but Amy just looked like she had a stick up her ass, so there was always this vaguely unhappy expression on Amy’s. All the time. Even when Rachel was unhappy, she always managed to look pretty.

Quinn had sat through numerous uncomfortable dinners in her life, but that dinner with Rachel’s biological mother would rank as the most uncomfortable dinner in her entire life. Even as an adult, when uncomfortable dinners would be the result of bad dates or Thanksgiving get-togethers with her parents and her kids-- the dinner with Rachel’s mother still outranked all of them in terms of discomfort.

It was just that Rachel’s mother seemed so hateful. She never asked questions about Rachel’s life and she barely acknowledged Quinn. She didn’t ask Rachel one question, not even a ‘how are you’ or ‘how is school?’ and the only time she acknowledged Quinn after being introduced was when she noticed Quinn’s cross necklace and hummed approvingly when Quinn answered that yes, she was a Christian. It rankled that this woman would classify herself in the same religious category as her, and Quinn was mystified that all it took was a cross necklace to get her approval, as though shared religious affiliation was the most important thing in the world or something.

Everything Rachel’s so-called mother said was something negative about Rachel’s fathers or to state negative perceptions of Rachel’s life. Rachel defended her fathers quietly, but every time her mother said something negative about her, Rachel was just silent and not in a way that someone could assume she was just ignoring it. Rachel was never good at concealing her emotions, and Quinn knew Rachel was miserable, and she had no idea why Rachel was putting herself through such a horribly unpleasant dinner. Rachel seemed so eager and hopeful on the drive to the restaurant and as the dinner went on, Rachel’s expression became increasingly more wounded and despondent.

Quinn hated herself for not saying anything, and she resented Rachel a little bit for not sticking up for herself. She desperately wanted to put Amy right in her place, because that’s who she was-- Amy she was not Rachel’s mother even if she’d carried Rachel for nine months and gave birth to her. But Rachel was quiet and sad and withdrew into herself with every passing minute and Quinn had on idea what to do. What could she say, really? As an adult, she was a little more forgiving of her non-action, she’d been just a teenager, after all. But she would always regret she didn’t stick up for Rachel when Amy was dismissive and demeaning. Quinn knew what it felt like to be demoralized by a parent, and she wished she could have kept Rachel from that experience. And what kind of woman would have a daughter named Rachel and then decide to name her other daughter Leah? There was hidden meaning there, Quinn was sure of it.

They finished eating and Amy gave Rachel yet another copy of the Bible. Rachel exchanged an awkward hug with Amy, but Rachel seemed genuinely taken by Amy’s daughter, Leah and when they left, it was Leah that Rachel looked at.

It had been such a bad idea to invite Quinn to come along to this dinner. Rachel knew she’d been selfish, that it would have been nice to have someone’s support and she couldn’t ask her fathers because they would be so hurt, and she couldn’t ask Noah or Finn, because they were boys and her mother would be suspicious and launch into a lecture about fornicating, and she didn’t really have any female friends who knew the situation. All she had was Quinn, but it’d been selfish to assume Quinn would want to put up with such an uncomfortable dinner.

Rachel wished she knew what it was that turned Amy against her fathers. They’d once been so close, and she knew plenty of religious people were perfectly fine with gay people. But the amount of vitriol Amy had for her fathers, it was almost frightening.

But she was still the woman who gave birth to her. She looked just like Amy. Amy sang well, too, at least, from what her fathers told her. She’d never heard Amy sing, not even when she was younger, at least, not from what Rachel could remember. Maybe she’d gotten her love for music from her mother. Amy also had a tendency to be tactless, patronizing and offended people with her tone. Rachel was pretty sure Amy didn’t care if she offended people or not, but that obliviousness tactlessness was something she recognized in herself.

She wasn’t so oblivious to it that she didn’t recognize other people’s reactions to what she said or did, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself from saying or doing it in the first place. And when she offended people with something she said, it was always inadvertent, it’s not like she wanted to do it, but her dads were always saying how Amy had been a lot like her when Amy was a lot younger, and that sort of freaked her out. They didn’t mean it in a bad way, of course, it was more a comment on how much they missed someone who’d been a good friend to them. But still, it freaked her out that the thoughtless meanness was imprinted in her DNA. She wasn’t worried about converting to Christianity and ending up hating gay people like she was a member of Fred Phelps’s church the way Amy had, but she was worried that she’d inherited Amy’s tendency for thoughtless cruelty, since she’d already seemed to have inherited Amy’s oblivious tactlessness. But she’d noticed other things, too, like the way she and her mother ordered exactly the same thing, which she knew wasn’t a sign or anything, but considering how Rachel liked things to her own ridiculous specifications, it sort of was. And Amy’s little daughter, Leah, as sweet and was obviously fascinated with Quinn because Quinn looked like a princess, and Leah was apparently super into princesses, the way Rachel had been at that age.

There were a lot of things about Amy that Rachel recognized in herself. Some of it freaked her out and made her wonder what Quinn even liked about her and confirmed for her why she was so unpopular. But some of it made her feel good, and connected, and it was both parts that made her keep seeking her mother out. But the whole dinner was just one long diatribe against her father and against her. God, was that was she was going to turn into?

Rachel was quiet on the drive back, her expression bleak. Quinn chose not to say anything either. They didn’t say anything when they picked up Jane from Puck’s house, and they didn’t say anything until they got to Quinn’s house.

“Sorry,” Rachel said, finally, once they arrived at Quinn’s house. “I shouldn’t have asked you to come with me. I’ll see you Monday or whatever.”

Quinn stared out Rachel’s windshield and crossed her arms in front of her. “Why did you let her talk to you like that?”

Rachel shrugged and stared stoically at the steering wheel. “I didn’t see the point. She was never going to see it any other way.”

“You could have stood up for yourself instead of just sitting there like a pathetic loser.”

“Well, maybe that’s just what I am,” Rachel said flatly.

Quinn rolled her eyes and clenched her jaw. She shook her head. “You’re not pathetic. And you’re not a loser,” she said finally after a moment’s silence. “But how could you just sit there and let her tell you that you’re deficient or something because you’re not around a mother?”

“I really need you not to talk to me about this right now,” Rachel said softly, her head bowed and eyes rapidly filling with tears. Her hands gripped the steering wheel as hard they could.

She’d already spent the evening feeling under attack by Amy. And she never even really got to talk to Amy’s daughter, who was just a little kid, and Rachel typically did not find little kids to be all that interesting, but Leah looked just like her, there was no denying that they were siblings. And Rachel thought that it was kind of cool that she had a sibling in the world, even if she did love to be an only child in her fathers’ home. She was ashamed of herself for not sticking up for her fathers the way she wanted to, she was ashamed of herself for not speaking up for gay people and gay relationships because she was in one, and her girlfriend was sitting right next to her. She was mortified Quinn had been present for the emotional haranguing and she really just did not want to hear from Quinn that she should have been better somehow. She just could not stand to hear it.

“Rachel,” Quinn said. “I didn’t…I didn’t mean for it to come out like that,” she said. “I’m sorry.” She hesitantly touched Rachel’s shoulder which was tense and hunched. She awkwardly patted Rachel’s shoulder. “I just couldn’t stand to hear her talk like that to you.”

It wasn’t so great being on the receiving end of it, either, and Rachel desperately just wanted to go home and see her fathers.

“Thanks for coming with me tonight,” Rachel said quietly.

“Rach?” Quinn asked tentatively. “Do you want to come in for a little bit? We could hang out.”

Rachel shook her head. “No, I should go home.” She turned to Quinn and gave her an overly bright smile that couldn’t mask the hurt expression.

“Okay,” Quinn said. “I’ll see you later, okay? Tomorrow, maybe?”

“Yeah,” Rachel said. “I’ll call you.”

“Okay.”

Quinn got out of the car, got Janie out and then watched as Rachel drove away. Rachel didn’t wave her hand out the window as she drove away the way she always did.

\--

When Rachel got home, her fathers were watching a movie together in the living room.

“How was dinner with Quinn, honey?” her daddy Alex asked her.

“It was fine, thanks, daddy.”

“Honey? Are you okay?” her dad Paul asked.

“Of course, dad. I should get ready for bed.”

Rachel left before she could respond and went into the bathroom to take a shower. Her fathers were always so supportive of her. When she was little and they realized she could sing, they were so supportive and encouraging of her to take dance classes and singing lessons. They enrolled her in all manner of pageants, and she always had fun doing them when she was a kid. She had everything growing up, every toy, princess clothes, tutus, shoes, princess decorations, Little Mermaid underwear-- she never needed anything because her fathers gave her everything. She felt like a terrible person for wanting a mother on top of it all, too.

The worst thing in the world she could do was disappoint her fathers. They were always so proud and encouraging of her, that it took a lot to disappoint them. They weren’t disappointed in her that she wasn’t the Homecoming Queen or Head Cheerleader, and that she would never be either of those things. She wasn’t Class President or the Most Popular Girl in school, she was just Rachel in Glee club, and that seemed to be sufficient for her fathers. So the thought of them finding out she had dinner with her Amy, when they expressly forbade her from doing it, made her feel like such a terrible person.

Her fathers were like any other parents, of course. They grounded her when she broke curfew, they flipped out when she didn’t come home because she fell asleep at Quinn’s since they assumed she was with Noah. They gave her the occasional lecture for the occasional bad grade, but it was hard to disappoint them, and she felt like she failed as a daughter. She wanted them to be proud of her-- it was half the reason she pushed herself as hard as she did, and when they looked at her with disappointment, it always seemed like they didn’t recognize her. She hated that feeling.

She took a shower, got ready for bed, put on some pajamas and then went back into the living room where her fathers were still watching a movie.

“Can I join you guys?” she asked.

Daddy Alex moved over. “Of course you can, honey,” he said, gesturing for her to come to the couch.

Rachel joined them on the couch, squeezing in between them. She cuddled next to her daddy Alex.

“It’s been a long time since we’ve done this,” Alex said. “You always seem so busy with everything. It’s nice to have you home.”

Paul stroked her hair, just as he’d always done when she was little. “You want something to drink, honey? Something to eat?”

“No,” Rachel sighed. “I’m good.”

She must have fallen asleep in between her dads, like she used to do when she was little, because she woke up the next morning in her own bed and she had no memory of how she got there. When she asked her dad Paul about it, he joked and said she wasn’t much bigger now than she was when she was little.

\--

After she spent an hour on her exercise bike and then showered, Rachel called Quinn, just as she said she would do, and they met for a late breakfast.

“Are you okay?” Quinn asked when Rachel arrived to pick her and Jane up.

Rachel smiled at her. “Yeah, of course.”

“It just…you were crying…” Quinn said hesitantly. “And why would you cry if you weren’t upset?”

Rachel gave her the goofiest smile she could manage. “Because I was happy?”

Quinn snorted and slapped at Rachel’s shoulder. “No, seriously.”

Rachel smiled at her. “Really, I’m okay.”

Quinn hesitated. “I didn’t mean to say you were…” Quinn trailed off. “Well, you know.” She didn’t want to repeat those words again, not after the look she saw on Rachel’s face when she said them the night before. “I don’t always have control of my mouth, either.”

Rachel gave her a small smile. They were always joking about how she sometimes said things she shouldn’t and that she lacked that filter between her brain and her mouth. “I know,” she said softly.

“You shouldn’t talk to her anymore,” Quinn said quietly. “It’s not good for you.”

“I know,” Rachel said softly.

But if her own mother couldn’t accept her just as she was, what would prompt anyone else to do it?

\--  
Things tended to return to normal, eventually, and so whatever awkwardness either girl felt eventually dissipated. Life went on, and they went on with it together. They went to school five days a week, and still met up in the pottery room during Nutrition every day, even if they now sometimes met for lunch and in between classes. They went to Glee practice together, Quinn had cheerleading practice with Santana, Brittany and the rest of the Cheerios and things were the way they always had been.

By the end of March, the unpleasant dinner with Rachel’s mother was just a memory that was becoming increasingly more distant. It’d only been a couple weeks, but Rachel seemed her relentlessly chipper self again and Quinn was glad for it. Things were busy-- there was the State competition for Glee and cheerleading in one month, AP tests in two months and Nationals in three months. At least they had their set list for the State competition.

Quinn watched her girlfriend and ex-boyfriend singing at one another as they practiced their solo in Cry a song by Angie Aparo that was made popular by Faith Hill or Carrie Underwood or some country music star, Quinn was never sure. She was pretty sure it was Faith Hill though, but Quinn loved the original version best.

It wasn’t that long ago that she was jealous watching the same scene, but for the opposite reason-- it was just the last school year. She and the rest of the Gleeks were providing background vocals on this number, although they all joined together for the chorus. Quinn had to admit she was a little distracted by the sight of her girlfriend singing her heart out to Finn. She knew it was because Rachel was passionate and never did anything by halves, but she was jealous nonetheless.

“And you'd hunt and those lies, they'd be all you'd ever find. And that'd be all you'd have to know for me to be fine,” Rachel sang.

That was Quinn’s cue that they all needed to sing the chorus, which was usually her favorite part, because she genuinely thought the twelve of them really sounded good together. But she missed it because Rachel had her hand on Finn’s shoulder and Finn had his hand on Rachel’s hip.

“…die just a little,” Quinn sang, trying to catch up because she was a little late in coming in on the song. This also meant she’d missed the cue to switch places with Brittany as part of the choreography, which resulted in only Brittany moving and consequently running into Quinn. Brittany’s hand collided with Quinn’s stomach.

“Brittany!”

Brittany looked at her blankly. “You were supposed to move, too.”

“But I didn’t, okay?!”

“Okay,” Brittany said, looking confused as to why Quinn was so aggrieved. It really wasn’t Brittany’s fault, and Quinn knew it--being mean to Brittany was kind of like yelling at a really cute, but dumb puppy.

“We’ll just start over,” Mr. Schuester called. “Good job, guys. Quinn, focus. Brittany…” Mr. Schuester paused. “Try not to hit Quinn again.”

Brittany just gave him a cheerful smile.

Rachel and Quinn exchanged a look. Rachel looked like she was going to explode because Rachel demanded perfection, at least in Glee. Rachel was always hardest on herself, but she came down pretty hard on Quinn, too. Quinn knew she was going to get an earful from Rachel about being distracted in Glee practice, and ‘would you be distracted in Cheerios practice while you’re on top of the pyramid, Quinn? No, because you could break your neck. So please focus and devote the same concentration you extend to cheerleading to Glee.’

It was always the same lecture with Rachel.

They started over again, and this time, Quinn tried not to look at her girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend singing to one another.

After that, they grabbed their stools and sat in them to practice another one of their numbers. Mr. Schuester hoped it would become a McKinley High trademark that New Directions always performed one song in every competition without any choreography, just bare-bones singing. For the State competition, this song was the Bob Dylan’s My Back Pages, but the way The Byrds did it. Everyone sang this song together, and it seemed to be a universal favorite with the other gleeks. Rachel slipped into a chair next to Quinn and she turned to give the blonde a quick grin.

Maybe Quinn wouldn’t get a lecture after all.

It was an old song, one that was before any of their time. Heck, it was even before Mr. Schuester’s time, but this was the song they all seemed to love. It helped that the solos in the song were shared. Still, Quinn loved how when they practiced this song, everyone always seemed to be in a really good mood during and after.

Finn started it off.

“Crimson flames tied through my ears rollin' high and mighty trapped. Countless violent flaming roads using ideas as my maps. "We'll meet on edges, soon," said I, proud 'neath heated brow.”

Rachel rested her arm on Quinn’s shoulder as the entire team sang the chorus. They looked at one another and smiled as they sang.

“Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now.”

They finished practice after that song and Rachel and Quinn walked out, arm-in-arm. Everyone left in a good mood, kind of all over each other, so neither girl was afraid it rouse suspicion. Santana was practically piggy-backing Brittany when they left the practice room, after all.

“Ah, but I was so much older then,” Rachel sang softly as they walked to Rachel’s car.

“I’m younger than that now,” Quinn joined in. She was rewarded with a beaming smile from Rachel.

\--

“Wouldn’t it be funny to sing To Sir with Love to Mr. Schuester?” Rachel asked as she drove Quinn home from practice after they’d just practiced My Back Pages. “I think it would be somewhat relevant while still retaining a sense of irony.” She grinned at Quinn and began singing. “What, what could I give you in return?” she asked, drawing out the “uh” said in “return” as comically and dorkily as possible. Definitely not a sincere effort.

Quinn began to laugh. “You are so silly today,” she commented. “What’s up with that?”

Rachel had been uncharacteristically silly all day. It started from the morning. Kurt had given Quinn and Janie a ride that morning, and Rachel as already at school by the time they got there. She seemed unusually happy and hugged both Kurt and Quinn together, which was unusual because Rachel typically didn’t initiate physical affection with anyone other than her fathers or Quinn and Jane, and to lesser degrees, Finn and Puck.

“Hello,” she greeted cheerfully.

Kurt looked at Rachel suspiciously and then looked at Quinn. “Is she on cold medication?”

Quinn shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Kurt looked appraisingly at the them both and then said his goodbyes and walked away.

Quinn raised an eyebrow. “Are you on something?”

Rachel giggled. “No!”

Quinn laughed. “I think you are.”

“I’m not,” Rachel defended. “Knock knock,” she said.

Quinn stopped. “Okay, you are on drugs.”

“Come on,” Rachel wheedled.

The truth was, she’d gotten a call from her mother last night, who’d apologized for the disastrous dinner with Quinn and Leah. Her mother never brought up her fathers, even once, and actually seemed a little interested in her life. It was the first time Rachel had the chance to mention Glee and how much it meant to her, and then Amy let her talk to Leah, who was adorable and told her some legitimately funny knock knock jokes. It was definitely something only a six year old would find funny, but Rachel was in a good mood and felt the need to share.

“Okay,” Quinn sighed. “Fine. Who’s there?”

“Interrupting Co-- wait, no. Moo-- oh, wait. I did it wrong!”

There had been giggles, and another attempt to do it right, and Quinn had to laugh.

All day, Rachel just seemed upbeat and goofy. It was endearing, even when Quinn told Rachel it was a little embarrassing. In truth, it wasn’t embarrassing at all.

And now, driving home from Glee practice, the silliness and goofiness continued.

“Seriously,” Quinn said. “What is with you today?” She wasn’t upset, she was more just curious.

Rachel giggled. “No, what’s with you?” she teased.

She wanted to tell Quinn that she was just particularly happy that day, that Amy-- her mother seemed to be genuinely interested in her, finally and that she knew it was probably only temporary, but if there was one thing Rachel learned in life, it was to just roll with the good times, because the bad times always rolled around to diminish the joy. She wanted to tell Quinn, but she wanted to avoid that exasperated look Quinn got on her face when Quinn accompanied her to that dinner, and she didn’t want to hear that it was a relationship that was bad for her. She sort of already knew these things, deep down. So, this time, Rachel kept it to herself.

Quinn sighed heavily, but she looked at Rachel affectionately. “You’re cute,” she murmured.

\--

By the end of April, McKinley High’s Glee Club has won at State competition, and the Sue Sylvester’s Cheerios has also taken the State title, once again. Quinn was more popular than ever, and she had to admit-- she loved it. Rachel seemed more or less indifferent to Quinn’s regained popularity, and there’s no mention of it. Rachel was supportive of Quinn, but she didn’t comment on the way people seemed to re-acknowledge Quinn’s existence in the halls of McKinley High.

By the end of May, AP exams are confidently sat through and everyone in Glee was practicing like mad for Nationals in June. The year before, when Quinn had to quit because her parents made her, New Directions made it to Nationals with Kylie Kim filling in for Quinn, but they only came in second. Quinn wondered if it was Kylie Kim who’d inadvertently changed her entire life, because if Kylie Kim (‘gaysian’ as Sue Sylvester still referred to her as, because Kylie’s little sister was a Cheerio) hadn’t joined the Glee club, New Directions would never have been able to qualify for Nationals. If they hadn’t competed at Nationals, then they wouldn’t have come in second. If they hadn’t only come in second, then Rachel would have never started her campaign to make Quinn’s parents allow Quinn to rejoin Glee. And once that happened, Quinn’s life changed dramatically.

In June, everyone’s desire to win at Nationals this year was palpable. Everyone was so hungry for it, that Rachel’s almost insane devotion to practicing seemed socially acceptable. (When Quinn reached adulthood, she realized that Rachel achieved success precisely because she was so demanding and driven, and she would sometimes wonder why a teenaged Janie couldn’t show a little more ambition, because she knew a teenager could be capable of it.)

They made suggestions for a set list at Nationals, and both Rachel’s and Quinn’s suggestions were included. Rachel chose Will I from Rent and Quinn chose Such Great Heights by The Postal Service.

The Cheerios won Nationals, and a week later, the Glee club won at their Nationals. They were held in California that year, so Kylie Kim, who lived on a dorm on the beach at UC San Diego came by for support. Rachel gave Kylie a bag of facial masks and snacks that Mrs. Kim asked Rachel to give to Kylie, and Kylie rolled her eyes but hugged Rachel and said thanks. Kylie’s girlfriend, Sandy, also an alumni of McKinley High was with her, and they were happy and definitely not closeted and they were planning on being roommates for the following school year. Quinn wondered if she and Rachel would be that happy and carefree when they were in college-- she’ thought a lot about it while they were studying for the AP exams, because it was abundantly clearly that Rachel was desperate to get out of Lima, but it was also abundantly clear to Quinn that she herself would probably have to stay. She had no idea what would happen, but at least they had another year before it became an issue, which meant she had another year where she could pretend it wasn’t a big deal.

After their win at Nationals, everyone celebrated in the hotel room shared by Puck, Finn, Artie and Kurt. Mike and Matt roomed with Mr. Schuester, in the adjacent joining room. Mr. Schuester was suspicious, but seemed to understand that teachers were not invited to the party. Rachel and Quinn were roomed with Ms. Pillsbury, while Santana, Brittany and paired up with Mercedes and Tina.

They tried to be as quiet as possible, but with twelve teenagers in one room, it became a little boisterous. Someone, and by that, it meant everyone sneaked in some kind of alcohol and the party was well on its way.

At some point, Mike noticed that Mr. Schuester wasn’t in their room, and the door between the two rooms was opened up and the party moved between both rooms. All the drinks and food were obviously kept in the room that Mr. Schuester did not sleep in. This caused Rachel to temporarily slip away from the rest of the party on her own to the room she shared with Quinn and Ms. Pillsbury. Ms. Pillsbury wasn’t there, just as she suspected. She walked down to the hotel restaurant and spotted Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury looking cozy at the hotel bar. Rachel grinned. Even though she’d once had a crush on Mr. Schuester, and she still found him very attractive and barely resistible when he sang and danced, she was glad he seemed to be finding happiness with Ms. Pillsbury since his divorce.

Rachel wished she could be tricky and spy-like and swipe Ms. Pillsbury room key, but there was no way she could do that without getting caught, and anyway, she was a little buzzed, so she wasn’t about to execute any ill-conceived plans now. She wasn’t a cat burglar, after all.

She walked back to her room to use the bathroom, because the thought of using the bathroom in Noah’s room did not interest her one bit. She’d seen it, and it was disgusting. Four boys sharing a bathroom for two days, plus a party in which everyone else was using it, too? Rachel was not going to put herself through that.

Once she walked out of the bathroom, she ran into Quinn.

“There you are!” Quinn said, grinning. She pulled Rachel into a hug, “Are you okay?” she asked concerned. “Did you get sick? I told you just because Puck’s drinks are pink and pretty doesn’t mean they’re not strong.”

Rachel smiled at her. “I didn’t get sick, and I only had two. I learned my lesson.”

“Then where did you go?” Quinn asked puzzled.

Quinn remembered last seeing Rachel maybe half an hour ago, and she wondered if Rachel had been gone that whole time. She’d been talking to Brittany and Santana, and she’d eyed Rachel sitting between Puck and Finn on the bed watching television. She’d glanced over at Tina sitting on Artie’s lap, their heads close together, talking into one another’s ears. That was the last time she could recall seeing Rachel. When she’d finished her conversation with Brittany and Santana, she’d looked around for her girlfriend, but couldn’t find her anywhere.

“Quinn,” Rachel said slowly. “Do you see Ms. Pillsbury anywhere around here?”

Quinn glanced around. “No,” she said. “What does that have to do with-- oh!” Quinn grinned. “I see.”

Rachel pulled Quinn close. “We haven’t been alone in days.”

“No,” Quinn agreed, she nuzzled Rachel’s nose. “We haven’t.”

“That bothers me,” Rachel declared.

Quinn grinned at the simplicity of the statement. “What if she comes back?”

“She’s with Mr. Schue at the hotel bar. They looked…happy.”

“Oh,” Quinn said quietly. She twirled a lock of Rachel’s hair around her finger.

She knew Ms. Pillsbury knew they were together, and God bless Emma Pillsbury, but she never made a big deal about it, though they’d each gotten advice of safer sex. Ms. Pillsbury was the one who told them that the pottery room wasn’t locked up, after all. But the idea of getting caught by Ms. Pillsbury was not at all exhilarating.

“But we should get back,” Quinn said. “Finn and Puck thought you got drunk and wandered off. Puck thinks you’re lost and wandering around somewhere. They’re looking for you, too.”

“So we should get back right now?” Rachel asked, head cocked to one side, slow smirk spreading across her lips.

“Well, maybe not right now. But soon.”

“Expeditiously,” Rachel confirmed with a grin.

“Forthwith and posthaste,” Quinn murmured.

The studying for SATs thing was paying off.

“Show-off,” Rachel teased.

“Braggart,” Quinn teased back.

Rachel grinned and kissed her.

Their return to the party was not expeditious.

When Quinn led Rachel back to the party, Brittany looked at them for a long moment, but accepted the story that Quinn found Rachel wandering the hotel’s garden and they walked around to get fresh air and walk off Rachel’s buzz. Everyone else seemed to believe it, too, and Rachel was cut off from the alcohol. She wasn’t a big drinker, and so, she didn’t mind it very much. She and Quinn exchanged a grin when Mercedes snatched a pretty pink beverage out of Rachel’s hand.

\--

New Directions returned to Lima, practically high off their win and ready for junior prom in one week and then finals in two weeks.

A couple days before junior prom, Santana replaced Karina’s hairspray with pink hair dye from Halloween. Santana was very capable of waiting for revenge, and Quinn made a mental note never to cross Santana. Quinn knew she’d made the choice to Slushie Rachel, but she always resented Karina for asking her to do it.

The Glee club, all juniors, went to junior prom as one big group. Mrs. Puckerman watched Jane just so Quinn and Puck could go. Everyone was happy, and it just highlighted the fact that they are, in fact, a team.

Brittany and Santana snapped numerous pictures of Karina looking surly with her bright pink hair. Quinn can’t help but chuckle, but Rachel felt bad for Karina, which was not something Quinn could understand.

It was a good night, and Quinn can’t help but think that this was not what she’d wanted when she first entered high school, but this is what she had, and it was ever better than what she’d thought she wanted. She had friends who were good to her, a girlfriend who loved her and a healthy baby girl. Her grades were good, and her teams had won at Nationals. Under their table, Quinn watched Rachel talk with Puck and brushed her leg against Rachel’s, Rachel returned the gesture and then Quinn turned back to Finn and resumed her conversation with him.

Rachel drove Quinn home that night.

“I had a good time,” Rachel said softly. “Did you?”

She wasn’t the kind of girl that expected to go to a lot of high school dances, but she was the kind of girl who wanted to-- and now, she had. She’d had a good time, and she hoped Quinn did, too.

“The best,” Quinn assured.

Rachel smiled at her. “I’m glad,” she commented.

“Are you okay?” Quinn asked suddenly. “You’ve seemed a little off this week.”

It wasn’t anything major, at least, not that Quinn could tell. But there was something very subtle going on with Rachel, which was the most disturbing of all, because Rachel typically wasn’t all that subtle.

“I’m fine,” Rachel assured.

But the truth was, she had something to tell Quinn, and she was pretty sure Quinn was not going to like it.

\--

At McKinley, there were still a few more days of school left after final exams. It was the same way in most schools around the country, but it still felt unnecessary. The day she and Quinn both finished their last final, it was a Wednesday, and Rachel felt it was time to tell Quinn the truth. She was glad it would have to be an early night because they did still have school the next day. She had a feeling it would turn into a really long night otherwise, and she wasn’t really ready for a long discussion. Friday was the last day of school and summer vacation would officially start.

“I’m leaving on Monday for the summer,” Rachel said bluntly after they’d had dinner together to celebrate the end of finals.

They were parked at Wertz Hills where Rachel brought Quinn so they could talk with some privacy, no interruptions from Quinn’s parents and or her own.

“Like, you’re going to camp or something?” Quinn asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Not exactly,” Rachel said.

“The whole summer?” Quinn asked.

“Probably,” Rachel said.

“What do you mean probably?” Quinn demanded, her voice rising. “You don’t know? Where are you going?”

“There’s this summer program with Philadelphia Fine Arts Institute. I’m going.”

“How long have you known about this?” Quinn demanded. “Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

“My mother told me about it after we won at Nationals,” Rachel admitted quietly. “She said she had a friend who worked for PFAI. It was a little late to apply, but my mother said she could get me in. I sent in a video audition, and they accepted. I just found out a couple weeks ago.”

Quinn allowed that to sink in. “Your mother?” she repeated.

“I’m going to live with her for the summer.”

Quinn stared at her. “Excuse me?”

“I’m going to live with her for the summer,” Rachel said, her voice much more mild the second time. She peered at Quinn hesitantly. “It’s only for the summer.”

Yeah, only it would be their first and last summer together as girlfriends, at least, Quinn thought so. Last year, they were friends, and things were starting to build up between them, but there was nothing official. This summer would be the last summer before senior year, and then Rachel would undoubtedly be off to college, probably Julliard, and Quinn would be stuck in Lima. There was always next summer, too, but Quinn was pretty sure that Rachel would be too enthralled by the idea of leaving Lima to stay around for the whole summer. And after that, Rachel would be sure to make a new life elsewhere, and be far too taken with it to come back to Lima, where she was mercilessly showered with Slushies and relentlessly mocked. And what place would she have in Rachel’s life after that? This was supposed to be the summer they had together when they didn’t have to worry about anything, and now Rachel was going away for the whole summer?

And what was Rachel thinking agreeing to live with that one for a whole summer? It was ridiculous. Rachel was miserable for an hour long dinner with her mother, how did Rachel expect she would survive an entire summer? It was ridiculous. And why would Rachel want to put herself through that? Amy was horrible to Rachel.

“That is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard you say,” Quinn spat out. “And I’ve heard you say some really stupid things,” she added. She couldn’t help it, when she got this mad, and this upset, she couldn’t help being spiteful.

“It’s a good summer program,” Rachel said softly. “It’ll be good for my Julliard application.”

“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying to do, Rachel,” Quinn hissed. “What do you think you’re going to get out of this? A mother? She’s not your mother, she was a surrogate and you need to just accept it!”

“But she invited me,” Rachel said. “And things with her have been a lot better.”

She knew, of course, that Quinn had a point. A surrogate was not a mother, but to completely accept that would mean she had no mother at all, and Amy seemed interested in the position, so why shouldn’t she try it out? It was never a good fit before, but over the past few months, Amy showed interest, and to tell her about the program at PFAI, didn’t that mean that Amy actually cared about thing she cared about? Rachel thought it was a good sign, and Rachel just thought she owed it to herself to try it. If things went well, maybe she’d finally have a real mother, and if things didn’t go well, then she was right back where she started.

The one thing that held her back was Quinn, but Rachel truly wanted this summer program where she could work on her voice, and she truly wanted a mother. It felt selfish, but Rachel felt the need to do it anyway.

“Your dads are never going to let you,” Quinn said. “They’re never going to say yes. You are dreaming if you think they’re going to let you, so stop saying stupid things. You’re an idiot if you think you’re going to go to Philadelphia for the whole summer, so shut up about it. We’re going to have a good time this summer and we can’t do that if you’re going to Philadelphia, not that your dads are going to let you go.”

“They already agreed to it. Last night,” Rachel said quietly. It’d taken a while to get them to say yes. She wasn’t sure they would, but they eventually did come around. She drew closer to Quinn, hands reaching for the blonde. “I’m going to come home, like, maybe every other weekend. I’ll take the bus.” She’d checked and it was a long time, at least half a day on the bus, but it’d be worth it for Quinn. And her dads would definitely spring for the occasional plane ride home, since her birthday was in July, and a plane ride was only a few hours. “It won’t be so bad, I pro--”

“I can’t believe you’re being this pathetic,” Quinn snapped.

Rachel drew back. “I’m not. I--”

“You are being so stupid,” Quinn said. “Do you really think she wants any kind of relationship with you?” she asked incredulously, her voice mounting with scorn. “Don’t forget, I was there. She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t care about you. She doesn’t want you. She doesn’t want anything to do with you, she’s just trying to take you away from your dads! Figure it out!”

“She invited me,” Rachel said quietly. “So maybe she--”

“What the hell do you want a mother for so badly anyway? You’re going to be seventeen next month, even if you do still dress like you’re five, you aren’t actually five! Don’t you think this whole motherless girl wanting a mom thing is a little pathetic at your age?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you while I was making my audition tape, but I didn’t know for sure I was going to go and--”

“You know what, Rachel? It doesn’t matter. Because there’s no reason why I should care.”

“What?” Rachel whispered.

“She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t even like you. And you know what, Rachel? I don’t either. You were just convenient. You gave me rides, you let me borrow your notes for class and you bought me dinner. But my parents told me today that if I did well on my report card, which I did , they’re going to give me back my car. So I don’t need you anymore and I don’t care if you leave and never come back. In fact, I hope you never do.”

There was a long silence in the car.

The moment Quinn said it, she wished she could kick her own ass or sew her mouth shut. Why did she always say horrible, cruel things she didn’t even mean when she was upset? She felt herself spinning out of control, the world falling out beneath her the minute Rachel said she was going away for the summer. She should have just backed off. She should have just shut the fuck up. But she just kept at it, she just kept talking. It was just that she just resented Rachel at that moment so much, she resented Rachel for being so lackadaisical about leaving her behind, that apparently their relationship had absolutely no bearing in Rachel’s decision to leave for the summer, because if it did, Rachel wouldn’t have chosen to leave. She was angry that Rachel had chosen some woman she barely knew over her. A part of her just hated Rachel in that moment and she needed to hurt Rachel just as much as Rachel had just hurt her, but she didn’t mean a word of what she said and she desperately wished she could take it back or erase it from Rachel’s memory.

Quinn wished, hoped for just a moment that everything she just said was part of some internal monologue, and she hadn’t actually said everything out loud, that maybe she was finally capable of stopping herself from being horrible. But the expression on Rachel’s face was clear. Quinn had said those things out loud, and it was very, very evident that Rachel heard every word.

Rachel just stared a Quinn, her features a mixture of wounded shock and consuming rage. Her gaze was downcast and she just seemed to stare at nothing for a long time.

“I should take you home,” Rachel said quietly, starting her car. “Your curfew is in like, ten minutes and your parents are going to get mad.”

“Rachel--”

“I know where I stand, Quinn. Maybe you should be quiet before I make you walk home and let you know where you stand, too.”

The next day, Rachel never showed up at school. She tried calling Rachel to apologize, but it went straight to voicemail. She texted her, but there was no response. When she went by Rachel’s house after school, there was no answer, but Rachel’s car was parked on the street. She dropped in again a few hours later, and Alex, one of Rachel’s fathers answered the door.

Rachel was already gone, he informed her. She’d left that morning, claiming she wanted to explore Philadelphia a little bit before she started the program.

He looked sad and upset and Quinn wanted to give him a hug. He gave her a small smile.

“Don’t worry,” he told her. “She’ll be home soon enough.”

\--

Quinn could tell it was Rachel even before Rachel turned around. There was the familiar skirt and top combo, the dark hair, the thin but toned legs. But it was really the way Rachel moved that Quinn instantly recognized. Rachel’s hair was longer and straighter, but Quinn recognized her anyway. Quinn found herself in the pathetic situation of running after someone who’d ignored her all summer. Quinn couldn’t believe that their fight turned into this, she’d genuinely thought it would just boil over. She’d taken Rachel’s good-nature for granted. But it hadn’t, and she didn’t talk to Rachel all summer. She couldn’t believe that things between them were left hanging with all the horrible, mean things she said, and she couldn’t believe she’d never, not once, had the opportunity to truly apologize for them.

“Rachel!” Quinn exclaimed, grabbing onto Rachel’s arm.

Rachel turned around and stared at Quinn. “Hi,” she said politely, although she was somewhat subdued.

Perturbed by Rachel’s reaction, Quinn didn’t grab the girl into a hug the way she wanted. “How are you? When did you get back?”

“A couple days ago. I’m fine, how are you? How’s Janie?”

It stung that Rachel had been in town and didn’t call, but Quinn chose not to comment. Rachel was definitely still angry with her and she wasn’t about to incur Rachel’s anger even further, especially when Rachel had a right to be angry. “I’m fine. Janie’s great.”

Janie had turned one over the summer, in July, which was only a few weeks before Rachel’s birthday. When she’d had her 17th birthday in April, Rachel had a cake and presents for her, and she’d wished she had the opportunity to do the same for Rachel. But she hadn’t.

Rachel smiled at that. “I can’t wait to see her.”

“I know she’d love to see you,” Quinn said. “Maybe you could come over today after school.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Rachel said noncommittally.

Quinn stared down at the ground and then peered back up at Rachel. “Rach, please don’t be so mad at me. Come on, talk to me,” Quinn pleaded. “Tell me how it was at your mom’s--“

Rachel glared at her, seemingly suddenly infuriated. “Why would you even ask if you don’t care?”

She walked away. Rachel was extremely good at exits.

Rachel avoided her the rest of the day, even though they shared five classes together. Rachel attended them, but she wouldn’t look Quinn in the eye. When she tried to talk to Rachel, the brunette ignored her. Sometimes, Rachel acted like Quinn wasn’t even there, like she was a wall or something. There were times when Quinn was standing right in front of her and Rachel just passed by, like she didn’t see her. Glee practice was holding auditions again, because more people were interested in joining since their win at Nationals, but Glee practice wouldn’t be held until next week, so there was no chance to talk to Rachel there.

After school, Quinn picked up Janie from daycare and went to Rachel’s house. She didn’t care that she was going to get lectured by her parents, she didn’t want to let this fester any longer than it already had. At the beginning of summer vacation, her parents did end up giving back her car. It felt so good to drive again, and they were a lot less restrictive with her, but they still expected her home that day since it was only the first day of school.

Paul was home and he was nearly delirious with joy at the sight of Janie. It hurt Quinn that Rachel’s fathers seemed to love Janie more than her own father did. Paul picked up Janie and swung her around, making Jane laugh raucously. He offered Quinn anything she wanted from the refrigerator and allowed Quinn to wait for Rachel in her bedroom. It was assumed he’d watch Jane because he was already singing to Janie as he walked back into the living room.

When Rachel came into her room, she saw Quinn seated on her bed and immediately rolled her eyes in frustration.

“Quinn.”

“You wouldn’t talk to me at school,” Quinn said lamely.

“There’s a reason for that.”

\--

They stared at one another for a while, until Rachel finally sighed.

“Do you want something to drink?” she asked Quinn.

“I could always do with a Diet Coke,” Quinn said, smiling apprehensively.

“I’ll be right back.”

Rachel returned a few minutes later. “Here,” she said passing Quinn a cold can. She opened the one she brought for herself. “What do you want?”

“I missed you this summer,” Quinn said quietly.

“I’m sure you did,” Rachel said sarcastically, “what with not having someone to give you rides and buy you dinner and all.”

“You know I didn’t mean that,” Quinn said softly. “I’m so sorry I said those things.”

Rachel shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does,” Quinn argued quietly. “Did you…did you get my voicemails? My texts? My emails?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Rachel said. “Thanks.”

“Then you know,” Quinn said. “You know how sorry I am. You know I didn’t mean any of it. I was just…it made me so sad you were leaving.”

“I’m glad that everything is still all about you, Quinn. It really makes things convenient for both of us.”

Quinn ignored the tone and apprehensively approached Rachel. She hesitantly reached out toward Rachel, afraid the brunette was either going to bolt or hit her. She wrapped her arms around Rachel’s waist and pulled Rachel close. She pressed her forehead against Rachel’s, their difference in height giving her leverage to brush her nose against Rachel’s.

“Please forgive me,” Quinn whispered. “Even when I haven’t been good to you, you were always still so good to me. Why won’t you forgive me? Just talk to me, Rach.” She can not resist the urge to brush her mouth across Rachel’s. “Yell at me, scream at me, hit me. Tell me off. Tell me what a horrible person I am, how I don’t deserve you, how I was never as good to you as you were to me. Just please stop ignoring me,” she pleaded, not caring how pathetic she might sound. “You’ve never ignored me before, you’re the only one who hasn’t ignored me, who’s always forgiven me for the stupid things I do. Even when I was horrible to you, you didn’t ignore me.”

“You aren’t stupid,” Rachel said thickly, she didn’t want to get caught in the emotion of this again, but here she was.

“Please stop ignoring me,” Quinn begged again. “I was so lonely without you this summer and I was so scared you’d stay there at your mom’s and I’d never see you again.”

Rachel kissed her first and Quinn felt herself melt, her insides becoming all squishy. Even years later, she would look upon that kiss as being in her top three.

\--

“Are you still mad at me?” Quinn whispered, once they stopped kissing long enough to talk.

“No,” Rachel said softly. “I haven’t been mad for a long time.” Rachel bit her lip. “We’re okay, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, of course,” Quinn said. She took Rachel’s hand in her own. “But…I mean, why didn’t you call when you get back? Why have you been ignoring me? God, Rachel. You wouldn’t answer my calls, you didn’t reply to text messages or emails or--“

Rachel pulled her hand away and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “I’m sorry about that,” she said quietly. “I’ll…I’ll make it up to you, I promise,” she said

Quinn reached for Rachel. “I don’t care about that,” she said softly. “But we should talk about this. I don’t… I don’t want to be this person,” Quinn said, “who keeps saying mean things to you, who hurts your feelings. Because if…if you leave me, I really don’t have anyone.”

Rachel’s gaze dropped and she suddenly looked wary. She smiled bitterly. “What is this? One of your jokes? Getting me to tell you….” Rachel swallowed hard. “Just…just leave me alone.”

“Rach--“

“Leave me alone.”

“Rachel,” Quinn pleaded. “Please talk to me.”

“Seriously, leave me alone.”

“Rachel….”

“It was bad,” Rachel said quietly.”It was a bad idea for me to go over there, okay? That’s the whole story.”

Rachel was a ball of hurt and hostility and Quinn desperately wanted to make it go away.

“Rach, I’m sorry.”

“Uh-huh,” Rachel said, not meeting Quinn’s gaze. Her eyes were lowered and she resolutely refused to look up.

Quinn hesitantly raised her hands to cup Rachel’s face.

Rachel pulled away. “Don’t,” she whispered.

“Rachel,” Quinn whispered. “Please, just let me make this better. I can--“

“Quinn, just take Janie and go home. Your parents--“

“Fuck them. I can’t just go home and leave you here like--“

“I’m fine. We’re fine. So why don’t you just go home.”

Quinn swallowed hard. “No”

Rachel’s jaw clenched. She sneered at Quinn. “What? I tell you and you’re going to what? Tell everyone? Bring me down lower on the social strata than I already am? Just stop,” Rachel said. “Just stop and leave me alone.”

Rachel can not bring herself to talk about, because the rejection she’d felt, and continued to feel was just so…so…specific.

“Did she hurt you?” Quinn asked. “Rach, what happened? Just tell me, maybe you’ll feel better and--”

“There’s nothing to tell, so go home.”

Quinn cupped Rachel’s face in her hands. “Did she hurt you?” she demanded again. “She didn’t she? I swear to God, I’m going there right now and--”

“She didn’t do anything!” Rachel snapped “So just drop it. I mean, what the fuck do you care anyway, Quinn? You don’t love me either. You don’t even like me.”

Quinn flinched, although she was a little confused by the ‘either’ part. “I didn’t mean it,” she whispered. “Of course I love you. I was just mad that you were leaving and that it didn’t matter to you that we were together. I regretted it the second I said it. I tried to tell you, but you were already gone.” She sighed. “I know it was fucked up of me, but--”

“I know you didn’t mean it, okay?” Rachel said. “Don’t forget I know you and I know how you get. You didn’t mean it, and I’m sorry for leaving and for ignoring you this summer. Can we just forget it and move on?”

“Rachel,” Quinn said hesitantly. “If she hurt you, I think we need to talk about it--”

“She didn’t do anything,” Rachel interrupted hotly. “She just didn’t really want me with her. She just didn’t want me with my dads.” Rachel burst out. She gave Quinn a sad smile. “She felt like it was her Christianly duty or whatever.” Her eyes hardened. “You would know about that sort of thing better than I would.”

“Rachel, I’m sorry,” Quinn said quietly.

“You were right,” Rachel admitted softly. “I’m stupid. I shouldn’t have gone.”

She did not want to admit how terribly foolish she felt for believing her mother actually wanted a relationship with her. She didn’t want to admit how silly she felt for actually thinking biology had anything to really do with being a parent. Quinn was always going on about how everything was worth it in the end, because feeling that life grow inside her, she’d come to love Jane so much, more than anything or anyone in her entire life.

So what did it say about Rachel that her own mother didn’t really want anything to do with her other than some Biblically-dictated obligation? It was one thing for the kids at school to think she was some mental defect to be ignored or Slushied, it was a complete other thing to have your own fucking mother want nothing to do with her.

But then again, Amy wasn’t really her mother. She’d carried her for nine months and gave birth to her, but that was it. Amy never really showed any interest in her, and even when Amy reached out to her, there was never any true interest in getting to know who she really was. It was all just “your dads are going to Hell, but you don’t have to,” or some variation of that.

“What happened?” Quinn asked gently.

Rachel shrugged. “Nothing,” she said flatly. “That’s the whole thing. It was stupid of me for going, you were right, I was wrong, she doesn’t want me, she doesn’t really care about me, she just wanted me away from my dads. That’s the whole story.”

Rachel was studiously avoiding looking at her.

“What happened?” Quinn repeated.

Rachel was exasperated. “That’s it,” she said. “You were right, and I was wrong. That’s the whole story. I shouldn’t have gone.”

Quinn looked at her. “If it was so bad, why didn’t you just come home? I looked at it on the website, the program ended four weeks ago.”

Rachel did not want to admit the humiliating truth-- that she stuck it out because she kept hoping her mother would find her even remotely interesting and actually ask about her life. She kept hoping her mother would just be a mother, but the moment Rachel got there, it was clear that Amy considered herself to be her mother in name only. While Amy expressed interest in her other child, she expressed absolutely none in Rachel. She knew from the first night she made an egregious mistake, but she was so embarrassed and humiliated, she couldn’t just go home and admit to her fathers, to Quinn and her friends that her mother didn’t want her. Her mother just wanted to take her away from her fathers because they were gay. That was it, and Amy made that abundantly clear in her actions. That was it, and Amy made that abundantly clear in her actions. In fact, if her mother had it her way, she would have taken back her decision to donate her egg. That was how far her mother regretted her very existence. She wanted to go back in time to take it back. Rachel just could not admit to the people she love she was just unwanted.

“We could have had the summer together,” Quinn said quietly. “It would have been fun. My parents have finally been letting up on me a little bit. You should have just come home.”

“Yeah,” Rachel said flatly. “I guess.”

“If…if you want to talk about it, we can go to dinner,” Quinn offered quietly. “You can choose the place. I’ll buy you dinner.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Rachel said softly.

Rachel could never bring herself to tell Quinn what happened with her mother, it was just too emotionally humiliating.

Quinn seemed to pull away from her after that. It wasn’t right away, of course. Things were tense for a while, and Rachel had a lot of apologizing and groveling to do, but Quinn seemed understanding about why she felt the need to leave. Quinn had a lot of apologizing and groveling to do herself, but Rachel knew Quinn hadn’t meant those awful things she said.

Things got back to normal between them for a while, and Rachel thought things were actually pretty good. They were happy for a few months, but it wasn’t long before they started spending more time apart, mainly at Quinn’s behest and by the time Spring Break of their senior year came around, they’d broken up by some unspoken agreement. They never said anything in an official way, but they stopped kissing after they had sex, and then they stopped having sex, and soon they stopped kissing and it wasn’t very long until they stopped being physically affectionate toward one another entirely.

They were still friends, but it was different. There was no more joy in the Glee club winning at competition, it felt more like an obligation.

There wasn’t anything to keep her in Lima anymore, other than her dads. She graduated from high school on a Thursday, and by Sunday, she was subletting an apartment in Manhattan and waiting for school to start. She’d made it to Julliard, and that was her focus now. She made it out of Lima, and that was the important thing.


	12. Chapter 12

December 2012

Three months into her first year of college, Quinn only knew one thing for sure: she missed Rachel. She didn’t know what she wanted to major in, although she was technically a Business major, it was only because her parents forced her into it. She didn’t know what she wanted to do in life, she didn’t know what classes she wanted to take for the next semester, but she knew one thing for sure: she missed Rachel.

They were still friends, of course, although it’d taken a while to get to that point. They exchanged emails pretty consistently, talked on the phone and texted each other regularly. Rachel always sounded happy, and talked about how she was learning a lot. Quinn was glad Rachel sounded so content, and she was happy Rachel was doing something she loved, but she missed Rachel anyway.

Right around college application time last year, Rachel started making comments about how maybe she should stay in Lima for two years and transfer to a better school later on. When Rachel nailed her Julliard audition and got early acceptance, she’d hesitated to submit her intent to enroll form, in spite of the fact everyone was hounding her to send it.

“Maybe I have better options here,” Rachel had said hesitantly. “I could always transfer, it’s not like Julliard’s going to relocate.” She’d smiled down at Jane who was sitting in her lap.

Quinn couldn’t expect Rachel to give up her dreams, not when achieving them was so close. People did not just give up Julliard to stay in Lima for a couple years. It was ridiculous. She may have been stuck in Ohio, because her parents would only pay for college if she went some place local, but that didn’t mean Rachel had to be stuck.

Quinn couldn’t let Rachel stay, she couldn’t even let Rachel think about staying. If Rachel made a really serious offer to stay, Quinn didn’t think she had to willpower to refuse. She could almost picture herself saying it. ‘Stay. Stay here, and I promise you, we’ll go to New York together and you can have Julliard. Just stay here for two years so I figure out a plan to transfer somewhere out there to be with you.’ It made perfect sense when Quinn thought about it. But when she really thought about what Rachel would have to give up, Quinn knew she had to let Rachel go.

They broke up soon after that, although it’d been building up anyway. Already their lives were very different with very difference concerns and it was clear the trajectories their lives were taking weren’t meant to cross. Their relationship suffered a slow death. One day, they were still together, and the next day they were not, and the days in between were sort of murky and vague. There was arguing and cold shoulders and they each sort of just pulled away from each other, although Quinn knew she started it, and Rachel being Rachel, was merely reacting to her. Just thinking about it just made Quinn feel sad.

Rachel had no real reason to stay in Lima after that. Quinn thought it was the one unselfish thing she ever did for Rachel. Hearing the way Rachel seemed so happy at Julliard, Quinn knew she did the right thing, but it still made her miserable. She knew it would be only a matter of time before Rachel slipped away from her entirely. Rachel met new people, made new friends, and learned new things. Rachel would fall in love again, and build a career for herself, just like she always wanted. Quinn knew all of that was within Rachel’s reach, but Quinn didn’t see a place for herself in all that.

“When I leave, I’m not coming back,” Rachel had once declared to her in idle conversation. “I’m practically already gone from this hick town.” Rachel hated Lima, and she’d said those things long before they’d broken up. Rachel wanted to get out of Lima, and Quinn wanted that for her. She wished she could get out, too. “You and Jane, you’ll come with me, and you’ll see, it’ll be okay. It’ll be good.”

“Right,” Quinn had replied. “It’ll be good.”

But she didn’t believe it when she said it.

Quinn lived at home, with her parents and her daughter, stuck in Lima for the foreseeable future. She went to Ohio State, the Lima campus. For a while, when college acceptance letters were sent out, she thought maybe she’d actually be able to leave, she was getting accepted everywhere she applied. But the financial aid was never enough, and she needed her parents to help her pay, and they’d only pay if she lived at home, which meant, she was stuck going to Ohio State. She couldn’t even get to Oberlin, even though she’d gotten in, and it was in the same damn state.

Rachel lived in a dorm at Julliard, and seemed happy. She and her roommate apparently got along pretty well. All of Rachel’s phone calls and e-mails seemed to have careful omissions about the people she was meeting, but any time she called Rachel, there always seemed to be people laughing and talking in the background. It didn’t matter what time of the day or night it was, Rachel never seemed to be alone, and not a conversation went by that Quinn didn’t overhear someone looking for Rachel. Their lives had nothing in common anymore.

Quinn thought it was better that way. That was the way it should have been for Rachel. Rachel was young, single, beautiful and had no real commitments or responsibilities. She was finally able to truly explore her enormous talent in one of the best cities in the world. She didn’t need to get burdened with the girl back home who had an active toddler.

Quinn sent Rachel a ton of pictures over the phone and through email and Rachel never failed to comment on any picture Quinn posted of Janie on Facebook. Nearly every time they talked on the phone, Rachel talked to Janie for a few moments, even though Janie really couldn’t talk back, at least, not in a conversant way. Janie seemed to recognize Rachel’s voice and almost seemed to remember Rachel, even though Quinn knew it was unlikely. Once, when she showed Janie a picture of her and Rachel from their junior prom, because she did not want Janie to forget Rachel, Janie tried to grab Quinn’s phone. She wouldn’t stop crying until she called Rachel and let Janie hear the outgoing message on Rachel’s voicemail.

Rachel hadn’t come home for Thanksgiving that year, but Quinn didn’t expect her to. It was too far and way too expensive for such a short time, but she knew Rachel’s fathers had gone to visit her. Quinn was glad Rachel wouldn’t be alone for the holiday and she couldn’t help but think about that Thanksgiving that she spent with Rachel and her fathers, back when Quinn’s parents had to go that funeral.

At least Rachel was coming home for Winter Break. Rachel sounded excited to come home when they’d last talked on the phone, but someone called out to her, and Rachel hurriedly explained she had to run in for her last final and that she’d see Quinn and Jane when she got home.

There was going to be a Glee reunion, since almost everyone who’d gone away, was going to come home since they’d started their first year at college. The only one who wasn’t coming back was Puck, because he couldn’t. Puck joined the Marines straight out of high school, because it was the only way he could think of to support his family. His mother had been furious and told him it was her responsibility to support him, but he wasn’t like that when it came to his responsibilities. It was the only way he could think of that he could support his mom, his sister and Janie. And he’d be able to get a college education, at the end of it, GI Bill and all. Quinn had been furious with him as well, because she did care for him as the father of her daughter and demanded how he was going to achieve his dreams of fame as a grunt in the Marines during war time. He’d shrugged and gave her that cocky smirk and said if it was good enough for Elvis to joined the armed forces, it was good enough for him. She called him and idiot and told him to come back in one piece for Janie. He promised he would.

Brittany, Artie, and Mike stayed in Lima as well. Artie and Mike actually went to school with her at Ohio State, and they got together to study pretty frequently, even though they all majored in different subjects. When Jane would get restless, Artie would sit Jane in his lap and take her for a ride outside the library, much to Quinn’s holy terror. Quinn had become closer to Brittany, Artie and Mike more than she ever thought possible, but she supposed it was only natural, since they were the ones who stayed behind.

Santana’s flight from SFO was coming in around the same time as Rachel’s flight from Kennedy. Quinn had already volunteered to pick up Rachel from the airport, since her fathers were both working, and Brittany had asked to come along. Quinn couldn’t bring herself to say ‘no’ to Brittany, and she was actually sort of glad Brittany asked to come along because Brittany would be a good buffer. Then Santana called Brittany to let Brit know when she was coming in, and Brittany miraculously made the association that Santana’s flight was coming in twenty minutes before Rachel’s, and so Quinn agreed to pick Santana up as well.

Quinn had to grin as she saw Santana and Brittany run to one another and crush each other in a tight hug. Brittany pulled back and fingered Santana’s hair which was long and flowing in loose waves around Santana’s face.

“Hey,” Santana greeted Quinn. She didn’t set down her carry-on bag to hug Quinn the way she had with Brittany, but the hug lingered for a little bit and Quinn felt it was sincere. “Good to see you.”

“Hey,” Quinn returned. “You, too.”

“Where’s Rachel?”

“She’s not in for another twenty minutes.”

Santana sighed. “Oh.” Santana looked around. “Where’s Janie?”

“She’s with Puck’s mom.”

“Oh.”

The trio walked to the gate where Rachel’s flight would be coming into to wait. At some point, Santana had to get up to use the bathroom, and Quinn was left alone again with Brittany. They made idle chit chat for a while, and then they lapsed into silence until Brittany clapped her hands.

“There she is,” Brittany said happily, slapping Quinn’s upper thigh.

“Where?” Quinn asked.

“There!” Brittany said, pointing emphatically to where Rachel was, in fact, coming toward them lugging a carry-on that looked bigger than she did, and surely violated some kind of airline policy about carry-ons.

Quinn stared for a moment and felt tears prick her eyes.

“Come on,” Brittany said happily, grabbing Quinn by the arm and pulling her toward Rachel even though Santana had given them very emphatic instructions to watch her stuff while she was in the bathroom. “You know you’re happy she’s home!”

Quinn blushed at that, and allowed herself to be pulled by Brittany.

Brittany shrieked, Rachel shrieked and the two girls exchanged a hug. Quinn didn’t know that Brittany and Rachel were close enough for such a display, but she kind of assumed that Rachel was just feeding off Brittany’s good-natured energy.

“Your hair is so long!” Brittany gushed, playing with Rachel’s hair. “And you have bangs!” she commented, playing with them. “Your hair is so cute!”

Rachel scowled good-naturedly and slapped Brittany’s hands away. “Brittany!”

Brittany giggled and wrapped her arms around Rachel’s waist in an affectionate hug. Rachel laughed and hugged her back before she gently separated herself from Brittany.

Rachel and Quinn stared at one another.

“Hi,” Rachel said softly.

“Hi,” Quinn said.

“Where’s Janie?”

“With Puck’s mom. You can see her on the way home, if you want.”

“I do,” Rachel said softly. “I’ve missed her.”

“She’s missed you,” Quinn informed quietly.

They stared at each other for a moment and then Rachel spoke.

“Give me a hug,” Rachel demanded softly, stepping forward to envelope Quinn in a tight hug.

Rachel’s hair smelled fruity, from her shampoo and conditioner, even though she’d just spent all that time on the plane with recycled air pumping through it. The smell of Rachel’s shampoo and conditioner was familiar. Quinn could smell Rachel’s perfume, but she didn’t know what it was, that was new.

“I missed you,” Rachel murmured, her voice a sweet sound in Quinn’s ear.

“I missed you, too,” Quinn breathed back.

Rachel held onto Quinn for a long moment, until she felt someone poke her in the back with a finger. Rachel broke the hug and turned around to see Santana.

“Hey,” Santana greeted.

“Hey,” Rachel said.

“Your hair is really long.”

Rachel raised an eyebrow, unsure if that was a compliment or a putdown. But she wasn’t really all that self-conscious about it, because everyone else back at school seemed to like it. “Um, yes it is,” she said. “Is that good or bad?”

Santana gave her an easy-going grin. “I was just saying.”

Rachel laughed. “I think I missed you, Santana,” she said. “But I’m just not sure.”

“It’s mutual, Rachel,” Santana said frankly, before she moved forward and grabbed Rachel into a hug.

When they left the airport, Santana and Brittany walked arm-in-arm slightly ahead of Rachel and Quinn. Rachel and Quinn did not walk arm-in-arm, and in fact, very carefully ensured there was just enough space between them that there was no room for misinterpretation. They were only friends.

The four talked amongst themselves in the car as Quinn drove.

“When is everyone else coming home?” Santana asked. “I know Matt’s not coming back until the weekend.”

“Kurt and Finn got back from LA yesterday,” Quinn informed her. “Tina’s coming later today, and Mercedes is coming tomorrow. It was in the email.”

Santana shrugged. “Once you guys get started on this mass emails to each other, I just hit delete.”

“Do you ever see Kylie?” Brittany asked Santana very suddenly.

Santana stared at her. “Brittany,” she said patiently. The only person Santana was ever patient with was Brittany. “I’ve explained this to you before. I’m at Berkeley, that’s in Northern California. Kylie’s at UCSD, that’s in Southern California.”

“But it’s still the same state. You could make an effort.”

“Okay, first of all,” Santana said, raising her index finger in the air. “I didn’t like her.”

“You didn’t like her?” Brittany asked blankly. “But she was nice! I liked her.”

“You like everyone,” Santana said. “And two,” Santana put another finger in the air. “It’s a goddamn long state!”

Rachel laughed heartily at that, with her mouth wide open. Seeing Rachel laugh like that, Quinn didn’t think Rachel has changed much in the past few months, even being so far away.

Quinn dropped Santana off first, and Brittany got out of the car with Santana because she wanted to catch up.

“Do you guys want to come inside?” Santana asked.

Quinn glanced at Rachel, but Rachel was already shaking her head. “No, I should go home and wait for my dads to come home from work. Definitely later though.”

“Okay,” Santana said. “See you.”

“Bye Rachel!” Brittany said cheerfully, leaning in through Rachel’s open window to give the brunette a hug. “I’m so glad you’re home!”

“I’m so glad I’m home, too, Brittany,” Rachel said with an affectionate grin. “I’ll call you later.”

Brittany grinned at her, and then Brittany and Santana started to walk up Santana’s driveway.

Rachel rolled up her window. “It’s cold,” she commented.

“It’s December,” Quinn said quietly.

Rachel turned to look at her. “Yeah,” she agreed with a small smile.

“This is kind of new, huh?” Quinn asked, as she drove to Mrs. Puckerman’s house so that Rachel could see Jane. Mrs. Puckerman wanted to keep Jane for a few days, and that was just fine with her. “Me driving you.”

“You drove a lot last year,” Rachel said softly.

“Never enough for me to thank you for all the times you drove me,” Quinn said quietly.

“It was never about keeping tally for me, Quinn.”

“I know,” Quinn said softly. She felt uncomfortable, and so she changed the subject. “I can’t wait for you to see how big Janie has gotten.”

Rachel smiled. “I can’t either.” She paused. “I wish I could see her grow up,” she said wistfully. “My dads say they see you with her around town a lot.”

“Yeah,” Quinn said. “They totally spoil her, and she eats up every moment of it.”

Rachel laughed. “She’s a princess all right,” she agreed.

They arrived at Mrs. Puckerman’s house and Mrs. Puckerman greeted them happily.

“Rachel, you’re much too thin,” Mrs. Puckerman gushed. “You, too, Quinn, but I’m always telling you that. Come in and eat something, both of you.”

Rachel laughed. “I’m not too thin,” she disagreed. “And I’ve already eaten, but thank you.”

“A mother knows when a child is too thin,” Mrs. Puckerman said. “And you’re too thin!”

Sarah Puckerman ran into the living room and practically jumped into Rachel’s arms. Little Sarah Puckerman was practically bigger than Rachel now.

“Rachel!”

Rachel grinned. “Hey you,” she said. “How are you?”

“I missed you! How are you?”

“I’m good, Sarah. Your mom was just telling me I’m too thin,” she joked.

“Well, she’s a mom,” Sarah said. “That’s what they do.”

Rachel shrugged, but she smiled “I really wouldn’t know,” she said. She wrapped her arm around Sarah’s shoulders and winked at Quinn.

“Where’s Janie?” Rachel asked, looking around.

“She’s down for her nap,” Mrs. Puckerman said. “But she should be waking up any minute now, if she hasn’t already. I‘ll go get her.”

“Yay,” Rachel squeaked, clapping.

Quinn chuckled. She loved that Rachel was so excited.

“Hello, beautiful!” Rachel cooed, reaching for Janie when Mrs. Puckerman brought her into the living room.

Jane began to wiggle out of Mrs. Puckerman’s arms, her little arms flailing toward Rachel.

Rachel cuddled Jane close to her chest and Quinn surreptitiously snapped a picture on her camera phone.

“I think she remembers me,” Rachel said excitedly.

Jane touched Rachel’s face with her hand. “Hi!” Jane said. “Hi!”

Rachel grinned. “Well, hello,” she said. “What else can you say for me, my pretty girl?”

Jane seemed to pause at the question, even though Rachel knew that it was impossible that Janie understood. Janie was only two and half, after all.

Quinn truly believed some part of Janie must remember Rachel, because Janie was just too fascinated with Rachel for there to be any other explanation.

Quinn and Rachel stayed at the Puckermans for a couple of hours. Quinn checked on her daughter, just to make sure Mrs. Puckerman had everything she needed. Janie always seemed okay when she left her at daycare or with Mrs. Puckerman or Mrs. Hudson. It was like Janie knew that she would always come back. Finn would tell her that it was a sign that she was doing a good job, and she hoped so.

Quinn and Rachel left, and Quinn started to drive Rachel home.

“Thank you for picking me up,” Rachel said. “The airports are very hectic this time of year.”

“You’re welcome,” Quinn said. “It was good to see you.”

“Yeah,” Rachel agreed. “It was good to see you, too. And Janie.”

Quinn parked in front of Rachel’s house. “We’re going to hang out while you’re here, aren’t we?” she asked softly.

“Of course we are, we’ve been planning what we’re going to do for weeks.” She glanced at her house. It was dark, which meant no one was home yet. She smiled at Quinn. “Do you want to come in and hang out for a while?”

Quinn paused. “Yeah,” she said. “I do.”

\--

They were already kissing the moment they entered Rachel’s bedroom. Her fathers were just so dependable, there were already fresh sheets on her bed and the room had already been aired out. The window was open, and although it was cold, at least it didn’t smell stale the way locked up rooms tended to smell.

“I’ve missed you,” Rachel said breathlessly. “You have no idea.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” Quinn said. “I’m so lonely without you,” she whispered. She pulled Rachel in for another kiss. Quinn just couldn’t get enough of her. It would never be enough, not like this.

That day would start their years-long pattern of being ‘together’ only when they were geographically together. Rachel would come home a few times every year while she was in college-- generally on holiday breaks, but also for the occasional long weekend. And each time, it was the same way. Quinn picked Rachel up from the airport and then they would kiss, and then the kiss would lead into something more. It rarely ever deviated, and the only time it ever deviated was the rare instances when either of them was in a relationship with someone else. And those relationships never lasted long.

Even well into adulthood, far past the point when they could excuse their behavior with youth, they did this.

They longed for those moments. Their time together was always too brief, but at least they were together.

The subject was only brought up once, on Quinn’s 25th birthday.

“We could make this permanent,” Rachel said quietly.

Quinn sighed wearily. Their lives were just too different. She had kids to think about. She was just an Ohio school teacher, and a good one at that. Rachel was an actress, one with a good career, but it was still nascent. As much as she wanted to believe their lives could come together, it just didn’t seem possible.

“No, we couldn’t,” Quinn said regretfully, caressing Rachel’s face. “Your life is there and my life is here.”

“My life could be here, too,” Rachel said quietly.

Quinn shook her head. “No, it couldn’t,” she said softly. “And I can’t pick up the kids and move to you.”

“Why not?” Rachel whispered.

“Because it’s what I want, not what they need,” Quinn said, tears pricking her eyes. “If it were just me, I would run out of Lima years ago and never looked back.”

“I could move back,” Rachel said insistently. “My dads are here, I grew up here. It wouldn’t be so bad.”

Quinn stroked Rachel’s face. “The one unselfish thing I ever did was to let you go,” she said softly. “Everything else, I was trying to make you love me, or trying to make you want me, so please don’t ruin this for me. Let me be unselfish for you, just once.”

“I can move back here,” Rachel said insistently.

Quinn traced her finger down the bridge of Rachel’s nose, “you’d never stop hating it, and you know it.”

Rachel’s face trembled. She cupped Quinn’s cheek. “I’m not going stop asking you to come live with me. You want to get out of Lima as much as I did, and Janie’s going to want to leave, too.”

“Don’t stop asking me,” Quinn whispered.

They never again talked about why they couldn’t be together, but Rachel didn’t stop asking Quinn to move in with her for the next five years. When Rachel finally stopped, Quinn pretended like she didn’t notice, but she did. It wasn’t like Rachel asked her incessantly or anything, she would offer every few months, so Quinn didn’t notice that Rachel stopped asking right away. But eventually it was hard not to notice. But all that was still to come.

\--

December 2015

Six months after they graduated from college, Quinn was finally able to move out of her parents’ house and felt her first taste of true freedom. She was working as a long-term substitute teacher at McKinley High, and although teaching was McKinley was not what she’d planned, it was just kind of what happened. She’d majored in Business at her parents’ behest, because if they were going to pay for college, they wanted her to major in something useful, but the job market wasn’t good for Business majors. So she took the CBEST, started to substitute teach and worked on her teaching credential. She needed the money, she needed the job, she needed to support Janie and she sure as hell needed to get out of her parents house.

By December, she found a tiny apartment on the other side of town from her parents. The relative distance from her parents was the main attraction to this apartment, but it was affordable and Janie could still have her own room.

Rachel was happy for her when Quinn announced that she was moving out of her parents’ house into her own apartment. It just felt so good that be free, and judging by how excited Jane was, she knew her daughter felt it, too.

“Congratulations!” Rachel said. Rachel was proud, but at the same time, a little disappointed. “You know you could have moved in with me, you and Jane,” Rachel said.

“This again,” Quinn sighed. The offer had been tempting. So tempting, in fact, that Quinn had been ready to pull Janie out of school, pack a few bags and get on the first plane to New York City to be with Rachel again.

But Rachel had always seemed a little secretive about her life in New York. She didn’t mention anyone special, didn’t really talk about any new friends, even when she would get text messages, she would look at them and get that tiny little smile on her face, but she never shared what was so funny. Rachel’s life was so different from Quinn’s, and Quinn didn’t think she’d fit into it, no matter how much Rachel seemed to think she and Janie would. And she had a kid to think about, she couldn’t just go running off like that.

“You could join Teach for America and live with me,” Rachel said. “I can find us a bigger place. You can teach anywhere, Quinn, and there’s no need for you to teach at McKinley, you want to get out of Lima and I have the space.” Rachel paused. “For both of you.” Rachel’s voice rose with the excitement of it. “There’s a great daycare by my apartment, I walk by there all the time and I can hear the kids and they sound happy. I can check it out for you. It’ll be so good, Quinn and--”

“I’m not joining fucking Teach for America,” Quinn practically snarled at her. She was glad Rachel couldn’t see the way tears pricked her eyes because she wanted that life Rachel was suggesting, she wanted it so very badly. But it just seemed so impossible, and to hear it offered… she just needed Rachel to shut up about it. “What’re you trying to do, Berry? Get me killed in the ghetto? And besides, what makes you think I’d ever want us to live with you anyway? I don’t like you enough for that, even now.”

It was a mean, bitter thing to say, and Quinn didn’t mean a word of it, but she said it like she did. But she couldn’t tell Rachel she was sorry for saying something she didn’t even mean. And anyway, Quinn knew Rachel knew she didn’t mean it. If there was one thing that Quinn took for granted, it was that Rachel would always forgive her for saying things like that, because Quinn didn’t really mean it.

Rachel was quiet for a moment after that. “Okay,” she said finally. “Anyway, look, I have to go,” she said. “I have rehearsal.” Rachel paused. “I love you guys,” she said, before she hung up.

Quinn swallowed hard. “We love you, too,” she told the dead air.

Later, she went to Lee’s liquor shop and picked up some of that grape candy that no one ever seemed to carry anymore, and sent it to Rachel in a care package, along with some new pictures of Janie. It was Rachel’s favorite, and since leaving Lima, Rachel was on a perennial search for that candy, but she never could seem to find it.

Quinn didn’t regret having Jane, but there were still times when she longed for the freedom to do whatever she wanted. It was something she used to feel guilty about, but her former counselor at Helping Hands told her it was a normal sentiment to feel, and so she didn’t feel so badly about it anymore. Besides, if she moved to New York, it would take time to find a job and set up a new life, and Janie was little and it wasn’t like Rachel was all that established either. Rachel was barely out of school, and although she was already getting steady work, Rachel was practically living hand-to-mouth herself.

When Quinn thought about it, she guessed that Rachel might be in even worse financial shape, because the cost-of-living was so much higher in New York and the money was pretty piddling. Rachel was well on her way, but she wasn’t getting the big roles that she so coveted-- she was 22 years old, barely out of Julliard and she still had a few more dues to pay. There was no way she could expect Rachel to take her and Janie on for however long it would take for Quinn to get on her feet. And Rachel’s apartment, though spacious by New York City standards, was tiny by child-rearing standards.

The first time Quinn and Janie visited Rachel, it was about a few months after they graduated from college, but still before Quinn had been able to move out of her parents’ house. She’d loved Rachel’s apartment, it seemed just right for her, but she honestly didn’t see herself or Janie living there. And Rachel loved her apartment, too, and probably didn’t really want to give it up, even with an offer of a bigger place

It did start the yearly tradition that Quinn took her kids to visit Rachel in New York at least once. The kids loved it each time, and Quinn loved seeing Rachel in her own element, because it was exactly where Rachel seemed to belong. Quinn knew Rachel never felt like she belonged in Lima, but she did belong in New York, and over the years, Rachel just seemed to fit in more and more. Rachel had friends and found herself a family and it was home. Quinn would never dream of taking that away from Rachel by asking her to come back to Lima, and she sure as hell was never going to  
let Rachel come back to a life she didn’t really want.

In the summer time, once the kids got a little older, Puck, would take all of the kids for a couple weeks, and they would stay at his house in Miami. After that, Puck would accompany the kids to stay with Finn in Los Angles for another two weeks. Quinn was always on summer break then, and she would visit Rachel, and they would have one month where they could be together, alone, with very few interruptions.

But all of that was still to come.

In December, 2015, Quinn was getting her first sweet taste of true freedom. Rachel was coming home to celebrate Hanukkah with her fathers, and Quinn wanted to show off her first apartment.

“It’s very you,” Rachel declared, doing a full spin after Quinn finished giving her a tour of the apartment. “I can see you and Janie living here.”

It was only partly decorated, since Quinn had only moved in a couple weeks before, but it was gratifying to hear.

Janie flung herself at Rachel and Rachel picked her up. Janie wrapped her arms around Rachel’s waist.

Rachel looked at Jane adoringly. “Do you like your room, Janie?”

Janie grinned at her. “It’s great!” she chirped.

Rachel laughed and exchanged a smile with Quinn. “Yes, it is.”

“Jane, get off Rachel. You’re practically bigger than she is.”

Quinn and Jane burst into giggles.

Rachel gave Quinn a look of mock outrage, but she joined in the laughter. Rachel set Jane down on the ground and bent down to look her in the eyes. “Well,” she said. “You are exceptionally tall for a six year old,” she said very seriously. She winked and smiled when Jane giggled. She remembered that her mother’s daughter, Leah, had been very obsessed with the idea of being tall and big when she was Janie’s age, but that was about as far as her experience with kids other than Janie went.

Her mother seemed to lose interest in her when Amy realized that Rachel was not going to change her mind about her fathers (Rachel was “unteachable,” as Amy put it), and Rachel hadn’t heard from Amy in years. Rachel supposed that was the way it was always meant to be. If Amy hadn’t sought her out, Rachel knew she probably wouldn’t have become so fixated on having a relationship with her. But that was one of her weaknesses-- if there was someone there dangling acceptance in front of her, she was going to reach for it like a cat reached for a mouse or a toy. Somehow, she always thought that if they would just accept her for who they thought she was, they’d eventually come around to accepting her for her. But it really didn’t work like that, at least not as far as she could tell. Rachel knew she only had herself to blame for it though-- she always put her talent and her career in front of everything, so of course people only wanted her for what she could bring to the table. She was starting to be okay with it though, because if people didn’t want her for who she was, than she really didn’t want anything from them anyway, so it really didn’t matter that she wasn’t the one people wanted. She was the girl people wanted on their project, but she wasn’t the girl people called up on a Sunday night for dinner, just because they wanted to see her.

“How’s work?” Rachel asked Quinn when they sat down on the couch.

Janie had a friend come over, and the two girls were playing in her bedroom. Quinn kept the door open so she could hear what was going on, and peeked into Jane’s room every now and then just to make sure her rambunctious child was staying out of trouble. Jane was definitely Puck’s daughter, a trait that Quinn and Finn talked about with rueful affection. Finn loved that kid like she was his own, and anytime Janie wanted some toy that Quinn and Puck felt was overdoing it (because she had every toy imaginable), Uncle Finn would have it sent to her. Janie had Finn wrapped around her little finger.

“It’s okay,” Quinn said. “Kind of weird to be back at McKinley. I mean, I’m eating lunch with Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury in the teacher’s lounge. Sue Sylvester throws my lunch away if I don’t take it out of the refrigerator by 3:30. I mean, she throws it away even though it’s leftovers and I mean to take it home.”

Rachel chuckled. “When is she ever going to retire? She’s, like, a hundred years old.”

Quinn looked at Rachel in askance. “Rachel, she’s going to outlive us all.”

Rachel laughed. “I know, right?” She rested her elbow on the back of the sofa, right on top of the cushion. “You did good, Quinn,” she said softly, reaching for one of Quinn’s hands.

“I did well, my little English major friend,” Quinn joked softly, squeezing Rachel’s hand.

“I wasn’t an English major.”

“Exactly my point,” Quinn teased.

Rachel laughed. “I’m not so sure I like this,” she said. “And besides, I was using it in a colloquial way.”

“You do know I’m just a math teacher, right?” Quinn joked.

They held hands and talked softly, until Janie ran into the living room with her little friend, asking for a snack. Rachel and Quinn pulled apart quickly. Quinn got up to prepare the snack and Janie and her friend plopped onto the couch with Rachel.

“This,” Janie declared, “is my godmother,” she said proudly, slapping her hand down on Rachel’s stomach and crawling into Rachel’s lap. “She’s a star.”

“You’re the star,” Rachel murmured affectionately, nuzzling Janie’s nose with her own. “You and your mom are two of my favorite people on earth.”

\--  
Year: 2016

Quinn knew Caleb was special when Rachel started to mention him. Rachel was always so careful to omit mentioning people, and while Quinn knew that Rachel dated, she didn’t have much detail about it. She’d ask, but Rachel seemed evasive, like she didn’t want to give too much detail. That was okay with Quinn, because she didn’t want to hear how someone else got to be with Rachel in the ways she wanted to be with Rachel. A few days or a few weeks here and there every few months of the year, were nothing compared to being able to share the same city with Rachel all year-round. She asked because she needed to satisfy a masochistic urge, but she didn’t want details. Rachel would claim she was too busy for a relationship anyway, but would admit to a date here and there. Nothing serious, nothing big, which Quinn translated as ‘nothing for you to worry about.’ But then there was Caleb.

Quinn didn’t date much, either, but she did date every once in a while. She was always being set up by her coworkers or friends, but there was no one special. It just felt cruel to talk about people she was dating to Rachel, so she went on the occasional date, which never went as well as she wanted it to, and she waited for the next time she could be with Rachel again. They didn’t talk about it, but Quinn was fairly certain it was the same way for Rachel. That is, until Caleb.

At first, it was gender-neutral and off-handed. “Cal and I went to see Phantom of the Opera, I can’t wait to take you and Janie.” After all, Cal could stand for Calpernia, Calliope, Callisto, Calamity, whatever. Not that it made it any better to think of Cal as a woman.

But Cal turned out to be Caleb, and over the course of a few months, it was apparent that Caleb was more than a friend, it became obvious that he was important to Rachel.

“Rachel says he’s a good-looking Jew,” Puck told her one day over the phone. The disgust and jealousy was evident in his voice, despite the fact that he still had a reputation for being a womanizer. She’d called him to talk about Janie, but it’d led into gossiping about the new guy that Rachel was seeing. Quinn knew Rachel talked to Puck about this sort of thing more than Rachel talked to her (for obvious reasons) and so she was trying to fish for more information.

“What else did she say about him?” Quinn asked.

“He works in a restaurant or something,” Puck said. He paused. “I think he might own it,” he admitted. “He’s old though. He’s like, thirty five. He’s some schmuck that played the friend card for six months before he finally asked her out a date,” Puck sounded appropriately contemptuous. “What did she tell you about him?”

“Not much,” Quinn said honestly. That was actually more than Rachel told her. “He takes her to plays, Phantom of the Opera and stuff.”

“Berry will get over it,” Puck said confidently.

“Probably,” Quinn said.

But then came the call.

“I’m getting married,” Rachel said calmly. She didn’t sound happy or excited about it, just matter-of-fact. The sun rose in the East, set in the West, bacon was fatty but tasty, people with ugly toes should not wear open-toed shoes, the universe was expanding, and Rachel was getting married.


	13. Chapter 13

Rachel genuinely enjoyed Caleb’s company. He was good to her, respected her, and understood her crazy schedule. He was handsome and sweet and her both fathers had liked him instantly when they met him while they visited her one weekend. That in and of itself was enough to make her love him. He was a little older, sure, but it wasn’t a vast age difference. He was 35, and a twelve year age difference hardly seemed like something to be concerned about. Cal had never been married before, which Cassie, her college friend and former co-star in Hair told her that at his age was a sure sign that something was wrong with him, but Rachel didn’t think so. He was just a little…unusual, and she was a little unusual, so she thought maybe it could work.

“Rachel, if a guy hasn’t even been engaged at least once by 35, it means you shouldn’t touch him with a 20 feet pole.”

“People are getting married much later in life,” Rachel said, “especially in the more urban parts of the country, and this is one of the most urban cities in the world.”

“I didn’t say he had to be married, I just said that he should have at least been serious enough about someone to have wanted to marry a girl. Jackson’s been engaged once before, and to me, that mean’s he’s normal. Plus, Jackson’s only 28 which is seven years younger than your boyfriend, Methuselah.”

“Jackson eats his meals out of a taco truck, and can’t eat things in odd numbers because he needs balance on both sides of his mouth, and you’re calling my boyfriend weird?”

“I didn’t say Jackson was normal in all aspects of life,” Cassie said defensively. “But at least he’s wanted to marry someone, and that person wanted to marry him back, even if it didn’t work out. I’d move on if I were you.”

“I think you’re crazy and I think you’re wrong,” Rachel said frankly.

“You just hope I’m wrong,” Cassie told her. “Besides, there is something wrong with him, he’s weird, Rach. You should give Frank another chance.”

Frank was Cassie’s friend whom she tried to set Rachel last year, but it’d been disastrous.

“He’s short,” Rachel said, trying to disguise the fact she thought Frank was creepy.

“Well,” Cassie said simply, “so are you.”

“I’m a woman. It’s permissible.”

“That’s what short women tell themselves when they need booster seats to drive.”

“I’m going to squirt lemon juice in your eye,” Rachel threatened.

Cassie sighed deeply. “Oh God, it’s too late for you. You’re already talking like him. Pod person Rachel, please tell my friend Rachel I miss her dearly and that I’ll wait for her here on earth once she leaves her Martian boyfriend.”

Rachel chuckled. “Judgey Cassie? Please tell my normally very supportive friend Cassie I’m ready for her to come back and support my relationship with my unweird, very normal, very nice boyfriend.”

“You can have Friend Cassie back when I get Normal Rachel back from whatever planet you’re holding her, Pod Rachel. Please stop experimenting on her, and send her back in one piece.”

“You are making my hand itch,” Rachel said.

“You can’t just say you want to hit me like a normal person? You used to be able to, Pod Rachel.”

Rachel sighed. Okay, so Cassie thought Caleb was weird, but it’s not like Cassie hated him. And everyone else, her fathers included, seemed to think Cal was a great guy.

Rachel had been attracted to Caleb the moment she met him last year, but it was more of the benign crush variety of attraction. She just noted he was handsome. He was dark haired and dark eyed, which was the type she usually found herself attracted to, a least, when it came to men. She noted his eyes were pretty. He was drinking Macallan 17 neat when he approached her, and she thought it was sexy and manly. (When Rachel looked back on this as she reached closer to 30, she thought that it was a pretty silly barometer for manliness and sexiness, but at 23, she just thought it was hot.)

There’d been a wrap-up party for an off-Broadway play she’d been cast in, and it’d been held in his restaurant. He’d introduced himself to her, and the first thing she noticed about him was the fact that he had Christmas trees on his tie. In March. With an Armani suit. He was kind of charming in a gentle, dorky way and she found him totally non-threatening, which she knew would have been a turn-off for most women, but she just found him comforting. He made her laugh and there was just something…steady about him. He was tall and sturdy, someone who felt very solid when she cosied up to him.

They were just friends at first. They hung out, went to movies, plays and concerts together. He took her to a few sporting events as well, and she found herself surprised that she genuinely liked going with him. He was such a good friend to her, it didn’t seem like such a bad idea when he asked her out on a proper date.

It all went very quickly from there, and Rachel suspected it was because he was ready to settle down, not so much that he was all that enchanted with her.

But still, he was dependable and good to her. He kept his promises. He killed spiders in her apartment and shopped with her when she needed to buy something and was indecisive about purchasing it. He was patient, and he was sweet, and he seemed genuinely interested when she talked. He was a plain-spoken sort of guy, the type she might have once described as a little rough, but really he was just a ‘what you see is what you get’ type. Once, when she was on the phone with him, she heard him eating, which usually annoyed her in other people, but on him, it seemed kind of cute, because he dealt with food for a living. She asked him what he was eating. He replied that he was eating Spam and that the best thing about Spam was that you could just cut it and fry it up and it was ready to go. This coming from a man who could whip up a fancy five course meal in forty minutes and whose restaurant was consistently crowded and Zagat-rated. “Spam’s good eating,” he told her. And then he ridiculously repeated “spam spam spam” a few times and laughed hysterically and said it was a “borderline Aspergers thing”. He was a little odd, but in that harmless, almost innocent way. Even though he was a little weird, he just kind of won her over. She couldn’t help but feel warm and affectionate towards him.

What wasn’t there to love about a guy who told her “you look pretty today” every time they saw each other and then said “well, you are a pretty girl, so why wouldn’t you look pretty every time I saw you?” when she challenged his sincerity because being told that so many times sort of made the words lose their meaning. Except she realized he really did mean it. He was unnervingly, almost annoyingly nice. She wasn’t so surprised to find out that his best friend managed the finances and PR for his restaurant, because he just didn’t seem cutthroat enough to do it himself. She also felt vaguely like a worse person when she was with him, because while she thought she was generally a nice person, she didn’t share his belief in the goodness of people.

He annoyed the hell out of her, too, but Quinn used to annoy the hell out of her as well and she’d been desperately, soul-crushingly, bone-meltingly in love with Quinn. Therefore, Rachel knew it was entirely possible, and actually sort of feasible (for a while, at least) to be in love with someone who sometimes got on her nerves to the point she wanted to squirt lemon juice into their eye.

That was something Cal would say when he was angry-- “I’m gonna squirt lemon juice into that guy’s eye!” It was one of those puzzling things he’d say which confused and annoyed her. Well, maybe not that one so much as the other completely nonsensical things he’d say out of the blue whichshe never understood what the hell he meant. And she never had any idea when he’d burst out with it. Sometimes, it was while they were watching a movie or a play, sometimes while they were lying in bed together and other times, he would call her up while she was in the middle of rehearsal to ask things like “how big do you think Iceland is in centimeters?” or “did you put this ballpoint pen I found in the freezer or did I?”

There were times when he spoke to her, and she could only stare in response. It was sort of cute at first, but it was wearing down on her now.

Once, when they were driving in his car and happened to see a large dog in the car next to them, he said, “whenever I see a dog in a car, I want to make eye contact with it to see if he wants to fight me, because you know what they say about making eye contact with dogs.” Rachel could only sputter a “What?” because she had no idea what the hell that was supposed to mean, but Noah hmmed approvingly and said “well, yeah, to see if he could take the dog. But only if it was a pit. Not, you know, some yippy brainless dog named Beauty or something.” (To which Rachel could only sputter “What? in reply).

There were other habits, too, of course. Things like drinking all of her juice and not telling her or nagging her she was taking too long in the shower if she showered any longer than five minutes. He just never seemed to grasp that women had more to do in the shower than men did, they generally had longer hair, they hair legs to shave and skin to exfoliate. He just never got it. But all of that was just normal relationship stuff, and for the most, he was nice. But he was a little weird, no matter how much she tried to defend him that he wasn’t.

She knew other people would think of Caleb as sweet and quirky, and he was. But he was also just a little weird, and it sort of got on her nerves sometimes. Not enough to say anything about it-- she wasn’t that petty. But enough so that she wasn’t sure she could marry him, because she wasn’t sure it was one of those things she could accept in a relationship, like the way she accepted that when Quinn got really upset, she tended to hit the other person really hard in the arm. She was already okay with him leaving his dirty socks in her apartment when he stayed over and the way he was always changing the settings on her laptop even when he only used it to check email. She already let him decide when they were going out, and when they were staying in, and she always let him decide on the restaurants. She wasn’t sure she wanted to make any further concessions, like ignoring the fact that he apparently wanted to try and fight a dog who was in a car.

But ultimately, the most important thing about Cal was he was a decent guy.

“Caleb’s a good guy,” she told Noah one day over the phone. “You’d like him if you met him.”

“You don’t think this is a little soon, Rach? You said you’ve only been together for six months.”

“Yeah, but I’ve known him a year.”

“You should bring him down here for a visit,” Noah said. “Unless Father Time would break a hip trying to get on the airplane.”

“Noah! He’s only 35,” Rachel said with exasperation.

“Father Time was ‘only 35’ once, too,” he told her.

Rachel laughed, even though she was exasperated. “You’re going to be 35 soon enough,” she said.

“Yeah, in like, a decade,” Noah said. “I think I need to meet this guy. Why don’t you come down for a weekend?”

“I can’t get away,” Rachel said regretfully. “My show doesn’t close for another four months.”

“Well,” Noah said with a sigh. “Watch out for yourself, Berry. You’re my kid’s godmother, I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.”

Rachel laughed. “Stop worrying,” she said. “Anyway, how’s school?”

“It’s good, Rach,” Noah said. “You’d be proud of me.”

“I already am. How was that gig you played last night?”

The pleased smirky grin was evident in Noah’s voice. “Sold the place out,” he said, practically crowing.

After years in the Marines, Noah was finally out and enrolled at the University of Miami. He had his day job, of course. But he was finally pursuing his musical career, and Miami seemed like the place to do it. Rachel admired the way he was trying to balance his responsibilities to his family, women he called “his girls”-- his mom, his sister and Quinn and Jane, while still trying to pursue his passions. As far as Rachel could tell, he was doing a good job, because from what Quinn said, there was money automatically deposited in her checking account every month for child support and every time she talked to little Sarah Puckerman (not so little anymore, but Rachel could never stop herself from thinking of Sarah that way, even when she should have), she was always going on about something her big brother sent to her.

“Seriously,” Noah said. “Is this dude legit? He’s good to you?”

“Don’t worry,” Rachel said. “You don’t have to watch out for me.”

“You,” Noah declared. “Are sort of naïve.”

Rachel laughed. “Yes,” she said. “And you’re such a man of the world.”

“Someone has to keep an eye out for you, Rachel.”

“Doesn’t have to be you, Noah, now it can be Cal,” Rachel said lightly.

\--

When Rachel was honest herself, when Cal asked for her hand in marriage (that was the way he put it), her first instinct was to run away to someplace that was not on any known maps and change her name. It completely freaked her out, and it honestly surprised her. Her relationship with Caleb was more serious than her usual casual dating, but she didn’t think it was anywhere close to marriage. They’d really only been a couple for six months.

But she stayed put, and while he stared up at her on his bended knee, her thoughts occurred in rapid succession: She didn’t want to marry him, but she didn’t want to lose him, either. She didn’t want to be alone forever, and he loved her for her, and who the hell was she going to meet in her life who would give her that? She wasn’t in love with him. But maybe she could grow to be in love with him. She already loved him, after all, and it wasn’t such a far leap to think she could grow to be in love with him. And anyway, loving him was easy (because he was beautiful, and damn it, did she always have to think in song?)

So she said yes.

Everything happened really quickly after that, and although she was the kind of person who liked things to happen quickly, it was too much, too soon for her. Within ten minutes of her accepting his proposal, he called his parents, and then called her dads for her. Within 24 hours, he told all of his friends, and looked expectantly at her to call hers, too, and seemed perplexed and annoyed that she didn’t want to announce it to everyone she knew, too. Within a few more days, there was an engagement announcement in the New York Times because Cal was a big-deal restaurateur, not because she was a Broadway actress with minimal famous points. There was a blurb in the Leo Chasen Temple Newsletter announcing that the parents of Caleb Desser proudly announce the upcoming nuptials of their son to Broadway actress, Rachel Berry. Within a few weeks, she was trailing after him while he scoped out places to have the wedding and reception, and was talking to caterers.

It was not at all how she thought she would act when she got engaged. She’d always wanted to get married and planned it out from the time she was a little kid. She’d kiss Mr. Mousey (her stuffed mouse) and declare her undying six year old love and then announce he’d have to watch the kids because she had to run off and sing Memories. She never thought she would actually be engaged with a diamond on her finger that Finn described as “holy shit gigantour!” and be unenthusiastic about getting married. And it wasn’t that she was unhappy, it was just that it was happening so fast, she was becoming panicky.

“It’s happening too fast,” Rachel whispered to Quinn one night over the phone, so she wouldn’t wake Caleb. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, I think I made a mistake. He wants everything to happen right now. Last night, I said I wanted to get a plant for my living room, and he started talking being responsible for another living thing and started talking about kids and how I should move in when my lease ends in six weeks. I didn’t even want a big plant, like a fern or something. I wanted, you know, a little one. Like a Bonsai tree. A tiny cactus. Or maybe a Chia pet.”

“Um…” Quinn trailed off, she had no idea what to say.

“You know, Chia pet” Rachel said, correctly identifying Quinn’s confusion, but misreading the source of it. “Ch ch chia? It’s a plant and grows in this animal figurine and the chia sprouts resemble--“

“I know what a Chia pet is, Rachel,” Quinn interrupted.

“Oh.” Rachel said. “So then you know what I mean. I want something that I won’t be sad when it died.”

“Call it off,” Quinn whispered. “Don’t get married. Don’t do it if you’re not sure.” There was a deep ragged sigh and then Quinn spoke again. “But don’t call it off just because you have cold feet, or if you’re scared. If you’re really in love with him, you should marry him. He sounds…” Quinn paused for a long moment, because she desperately wanted to scream that Rachel was out of her mind if she thought that she should marry a guy she’d only been dating for six months. How the hell could Rachel do this to her? But Quinn tried to tell herself that it wasn’t about her. It was about Rachel. “He sounds very good to you,” she said softly. “Even if he’s the girl and you’re the guy in this. Maybe that’s what you need.”

How could Rachel be marrying a guy that Quinn didn’t even know, hadn’t even met yet? It was ludicrous.

“I’m not sure that I am in love with him.”

“I can’t tell you what to do,” Quinn said softly. “Just don’t, you know, call it off the day of the wedding or leave him at the altar because that’s tacky.” There was a momentary lull. “And anyway, I’ll probably be wearing heels and I won’t be able to get to my car in time to drive the getaway car if you do it the day of the wedding.”

Rachel laughed. “I’d drive a getaway car for you,” she said pretending to pout.

“Yeah, but you’re less particular about breaking social mores than I am.”

“What would make you think that?”

“You owned a pants suit. In high school. That was the ultimate transgression”

“I thought it made me look very professional.”

“I thought it made you look like David Cassidy, and who wants to look professional in high school?”

Rachel laughed again. “Well,” she sighed. “It’s not like anyone else wants to marry me. What the hell, why not? And if it doesn’t work out, well, I’m an actress, I’m allowed to have multiple marriages.”

“Plenty of actresses get married when they’re like, 16. So you’re about seven years behind,” Quinn agreed.

“Quinn, I live in Manhattan, not Dogpatch and I’m marrying Caleb, not Li’l Abner.”

“You were a really good Appassionata von Climax though,” Quinn said.

“But I wanted Daisy Mae.”

“You’re more convincing as Appassionata. Besides, Daisy’s past her prime, remember?”

Rachel giggled. “You’re cute.”

“I am,” Quinn agreed. “I’m exceptionally cute.” She paused. “Rach,” she said softly. “I can’t tell you to marry him and I can’t tell you not to marry him. You’re just going to have to make up your mind. You’re on your own on this one.”

“Is that all of you have to say?”

There was a long pause and then Quinn spoke. “Yeah.”

Her lease ran out on her apartment, and he asked her to move in, and she really didn’t have a good reason to say ‘no’ considering they were getting married in six months anyway, so she moved in. Cassie told her she was crazy, Quinn was cautiously optimistic, Noah asked if Caleb needed a home health nurse to move in as well, and Finn wished her luck.

Wedding plans continued for a couple more months, and then, Rachel couldn’t take it anymore. She loved Caleb, but she couldn’t picture herself spending the rest of her life waking up next to him. The mere prospect just freaked her out, and she wasn’t sure if she just wasn’t ready to settle down or if she just wasn’t ready to settle down with him. She thought about what a fool she was to give up someone who actually seem to love her, because she wasn’t so sure if she would find that again-- it wasn’t like she was all that lucky in that area. She had a hard enough time to find people who even liked her. But it didn’t matter, because ultimately, she realized she loved him far too much to let him be stuck with her when she didn’t love him enough to be certain.

She gave him back his ring and the wedding plans were quietly canceled.

The worst thing was the quietly accepting way he took it when she told him. It just slipped out one night while they ate dinner together in his apartment. One moment, she was eating the dinner he thoughtfully prepared for her, and the next moment she just blurted “I don’t want to get married.”

It was sort of ridiculous the way it happened, at least, once she had enough time to reflect on it. She reached for the bottle of wine they were sharing to refill his glass, and as she filled his glass, he said, “it’s a good thing you don’t drink much so it won’t be hard for you to give up alcohol once you get pregnant, I think I’d want to have kids within the next year, that’s okay, right?” and before she could even respond he asked “do you think wikipedia has a list of wineries that still stomp the grapes with their feet, or do you think that would just be really unsanitary and no one does that anymore?” In that moment, she had a flash of what the rest of her life would be like, primarily, always feeling pressured to do something she didn’t want to do, just because he was ready for it. She didn’t even want kids. She’d never tried Communism, but she knew she’d make a lousy Communist (because she really loved her individuality, and while she could be a good team player, she ultimately liked a little recognition for herself). She didn’t need to try something to know it wasn’t right for her.

She didn’t need to try motherhood to know what a lousy mother she’d make. And Cal really wanted kids, and she thought maybe she’d be able to talk him out of it, like when he seemed dead set on eating a hamburger for dinner, but she wheedled him into grilling up some salmon steak instead. But getting him to change his mind about having kids was not the same thing as getting him to change his mind about what to eat for dinner. And if he’d just give her more time to think about it, maybe she could come around to the idea, but everything seemed so rushed with him, and it was only then that she truly felt their twelve year age difference.

So she couldn’t help it. She listened to him speak without responding and then she blurted “I don’t want to get married” and he choked on his sip of wine, and they had a few seconds where he coughed and she apologized and they didn’t have to talk about why she didn’t want to get married. But eventually they did have to talk about it, and he just listened to her and said “okay” in that soft-spoken way he had, and she took off his ring and left it on the kitchen table and ran out of there as fast as she could.

It took a couple weeks for everything to settle down to a point where he could talk to her. But when he did, he was the same as he always was to her-- gentle and soft-spoken.

“It’s for the best, I guess,” he told her the last time they saw each other as she moved her things out of his apartment. He looked quiet and looked grim.

“I’m sorry,” Rachel apologized softly. All she seemed to ever do was apologize to him. Even when they were together, all she did was apologize. Apologize for being late, apologize for being unavailable, apologize for being busy all the time, apologize for being snippy with him, apologize for just being her. And now she had to apologize for calling off their wedding.

“It’s for the best,” he told her again. He gave her a tiny smile, although it was tinged with bitterness. “You are very young,” he said with a sigh. He looked at her in the eyes. “And it can be very lonely being in a relationship with you.”

Rachel frowned. “I don’t understand,” she said softly.

He looked at her regretfully. “I think you’re going to hear that a lot,” he said without reproach. “You’re going to have to figure that out for yourself.”

“I feel like you should be calling me names or something,” Rachel said shakily. “Why aren’t you calling me names? I mean, shouldn’t you be telling me that I’m an awful person and no one is ever going to love me the way you would because I’m inherently unlovable or something? That I should just shut up and consider myself lucky that you even wanted to marry me? Shouldn’t you be telling me about how you put up with me all this time, and it wasn’t even worth it? Or what a colossal waste of your time I was? Shouldn’t you tell me how much better off you’re going to be, because I never deserved you in the first place? Or maybe that you never really loved me anyway, so good riddance?”

“Rachel,” he said calmly. “The only person who thinks that is you.”

She called Quinn to give her the news, but made it as succinct as possible.

“It’s over,” Rachel said softly. “I messed it up.”

Quinn took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant again.”

Rachel paused. “Are you absolutely sure?”

“Absolutely positive. It’s statistically impossible that I’m not pregnant, that’s how sure I am.”

“Well, then,” Rachel said. “You first.”

\--

Quinn knew her life was like a really bad Young Adult novel. She got knocked up at 16, and broke her sweet-natured boyfriend’s heart by cheating on him with his best friend and making him think he was her baby’s father. Finn loved Janie like she was his own, and nothing could ever diminish that love, but he was not Janie’s father. Then she never even went out with Janie’s real father, he was a good dad but would have made a terrible boyfriend, so Quinn never regretted that she didn’t date Puck. Then she fell in love with a girl-- Rachel of all people, and it wasn’t love at first sight or anything. (It was definitely not love at first sight. Hell, it wasn’t even love at first kiss. It wasn’t like she fell madly, helplessly in love with Rachel the first time they kissed or she felt a spark the first time they touched. But Rachel was the one she fell in love with, and that love just sort of stuck around, even when she wished it away. It was like the small, but disfiguring chicken pox scar she had on her upper thigh, it was unchangeable and unnoticeable unless you got close enough to be able to look, but it was permanent and a part of her.

She was the heroine (who wasn’t so heroic) of her bad YA novel, the one who got knocked up when she was 16 and had to stay in her crappy hometown because of it. But she made a life for herself, and she grew to kind of like it. She fell in love with the girl that got to leave their crappy hometown and that girl was never going to come back to live in Hicksville, not when she was making it in New York City, just like her girl had always wanted.

So she had to make a conscious decision to let her girl go, no matter how much she wanted to hold on with a death grip, because she knew it would be better that way. She loved Rachel, and she wanted Rachel to have everything she wanted, everything she dreamed about. Most of Rachel’s dreams, and nearly everything she wanted revolved around a life outside of Lima, which in practical terms meant a life without Quinn, because everything about Quinn’s life revolved around being in Lima. She lived there, she worked there, her kid went to school there.

She watched her girl build a life for herself, and then she watched as that girl found someone else.

Maybe some foolish part of Quinn hoped that one day, somehow, by some miracle, they could be together again, because once Rachel started mentioning a Caleb, it felt like it was the end of the world. It felt like the sun would stop shining, the birds would stop singing and life would an abyss forever more sort of thing.

It never seemed like Rachel dated much, and when she did, it never seemed like it lasted or that Rachel was all that interested in something serious or long-term. She was far too focused on her career, so when Rachel started talking about Caleb, Quinn was immediately wary.

Quinn was too busy to date much, and when she did, it was never very seriously. Anyone she dated was just taking away her time from Janie, so she had a few dalliances here and there, but that was it. A few times, she got Mrs. Puckerman to babysit Jane, and she and Brittany went into one of Lima’s few gay bars. Quinn hoped that Brittany wouldn’t notice it was a gay bar, because Quinn definitely didn’t want to go alone, but she didn’t want to get into a whole discussion about why she wanted to go to a gay bar. Brittany wasn’t brainless, so Brittany did in fact, notice that it was a gay bar.

Quinn tried at first to pretend it was just a place to get strong, cheap drinks, but neither of them were big drinkers and Brittany didn’t seem to care. She gamely flirted with the other women, bought them drinks and let them buy drinks for her, too. Brittany didn’t ask any questions and didn’t make any comments, she just absorbed it all without making a fuss out of it. Quinn had enough flings with women to realize that her relationship with Rachel wasn’t one of those one-time things, but she didn’t want to think about what that meant.

The day after Rachel dropped the news she was getting married, Quinn dragged Brittany down to that bar. She’d seen a woman who’d looked just like Rachel every time she went, but she’d never talked to that woman before. It was just too weird. The first time she saw that woman, Quinn told herself that the past few years had been a dream, and that Rachel had never left, but had been with her in Lima, all this time. It stole her breath, the resemblance was so strong.

But once Rachel announced her engagement, Quinn sought that woman out and was simultaneously relieved and disappointed that Rachel’s look-alike just looked breathtakingly similar. Rachel’s doppelganger was called Megan, and outside of appearances, she was nothing like Rachel. She didn’t talk like Rachel, didn’t move like Rachel, didn’t smell like Rachel. When she sang along to the music the DJ played, it was off-key. But she looked like Rachel, and it was enough.

Quinn hooked up with the Rachel look-alike over four consecutive Saturday nights, stealing off into a dark corner and kissing until she was breathless.

But this person wasn’t anything like Rachel. They didn’t do a lot of talking, but Quinn had seen enough of the way this Rachel imposter treated other people, talked to other people, even her friends, to realize that she wasn’t Rachel, and wasn’t even a good substitute. A painfully uncanny resemblance wasn’t enough to distract her from the fact that it wasn’t Rachel she was kissing.

When the woman insulted her one night enough to make her cry (Quinn had been foolish enough to let it slip that she’d had a baby at 16, and the other woman responded that she could tell because of Quinn’s body), Brittany drove them home.

“You shouldn’t be so sad,” Brittany said comfortingly. “She just looks like Rachel, but she isn’t Rachel.”

Quinn laughed between sobs. “She doesn’t look a thing like Rachel,” she lied. “And even if she did, what’s your point? What does Rachel have to do with anything”

Brittany was quiet for a moment before she spoke. “Just that Rachel would never be so mean to you. Rach loves you. And Rachel is nice.”

Quinn half laughed, half-cried. “Brittany, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Brittany hesitated. “I think…I think, like, she’d call off her wedding if you asked her to.”

Quinn stopped crying and eyed her friend suspiciously. “Why would I want her to do that?”

From the sympathetic expression on Brittany’s face, Quinn could swear Brittany felt sorry for her. “Sorry,” Brittany said softly. “I guess I just thought wrong.”

“I guess you did,” Quinn snapped.

A few weeks later, when Finn came back to Lima to visit his Mom, he stopped in to visit with Jane.

“So, Rachel’s getting married,” Finn commented as he settled onto her couch once Jane went to bed. He took a long gulp of his beer. “That’s weird.”

“Totally,” she agreed, taking a sip of her beer, too.

“I always thought she’d marry one of us,” he mused.

Quinn choked on her beer and coughed. She hacked for a few minutes and Finn slapped her gently on the back.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “It just went down the wrong way,” she said, once she could talk again. “What do you mean you thought she’d marry one of us?” she asked.

Finn looked at her oddly. “Me or Puck,” he said. “Or one of the guys from Lima. Just you know, someone we all knew. Mainly Puck. I always thought they’d give it another shot.”

Quinn wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, but she concealed it. “Oh,” she said. “Well, there’s no way that would happen.”

“You never know,” Finn said. “I think her getting married is really messing Puck up. This dude came out of nowhere. I think she’s the one that got away for him. He might stop the wedding or something.”

“Well, why would you marry her?” Quinn demanded.

Finn shrugged. “Rachel and I are friends,” he said. “I think we would have gotten together if…” he shrugged again. He didn’t need to say it. ‘We would have gotten together if she hadn’t kept your secret that Janie wasn’t my baby.’ That was the unspoken accusation. “I always kind of thought we’d give it a try. Now she’s marrying some guy we don’t even know.”

“But you met him, right?”

“Yeah, I went out there just to make sure he was legit once she got engaged. You know Rachel, she thinks just because someone is nice to her sometimes, that automatically makes them a nice person. But he seems okay.”

“Just okay?”

Finn looked at her, his expression a little sad. “It’s not going to work. He’s really bossy, and you know she likes to be the bossy one. She doesn’t look happy, just like, relieved or something..”

“You should have told her.”

Finn raised an eyebrow. “Why don’t you tell Rachel not to do something she thinks she wants do?” he asked.

Good point.

“Only if you provide the cover fire,” Quinn joked.

Finn laughed. “I’m pretty sure Rachel deflects bullets and turns them into rainbows and gold stars.”

Quinn burst into laughter. “Yeah.”

But once she stopped laughing, all she felt was sadness, because all she could think was how it was too late for her and Rachel. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she already knew it was too late, that it’d probably been “too late” for a long time, but Rachel’s engagement just made it seem official.

She and Finn drank a few more beers which diminished her self-control and lowered her inhibitions. They were just buzzed, but they were buzzed enough that having a few more drinks seemed like a good idea. This led into killing off an old bottle of tequila that she only kept around for the rare instances in the past couple years that she entertained people who drank a lot. When he kissed her, for old times’ sake, she didn’t resist. She even kind of liked it and she remembered a time when his kisses made her feel all loved and squishy on the inside. She kissed him back and when they broke the kiss, he started immediately with the apologies. But she didn’t want to hear apologies, so she just held out her hand and then led him to her bedroom.

A few weeks after that, her breasts started feeling a familiar soreness, and she just knew, but she couldn’t face up to it. She could not get pregnant again accidentally off a one-night stand. Not again. She was not that girl. Not again. She could not be that girl. She could not have an accidental pregnancy at 23, because that would mean she’d learned nothing since she was 16.

Except she was that girl.

She only contemplated terminating the pregnancy for a moment. The first person she told was Finn, because he was the father. He was understandably shocked and since she had to tell him over the phone because he was back in LA by then, she thought maybe he’d hung up on her. It was just so silent.

“I just have to ask,” he said, finally. “Not to be insulting, but are you sure it’s mine?”

It was a fair question to ask, given their history.

“Definitely,” Quinn sighed, because the only other person she’d been intimate with around that time was Rachel’s doppelganger and obviously it was impossible for Megan to get her pregnant.

“Do you want to get married? Maybe we could have a double wedding with Rachel.”

“First of all,” Quinn said. “Rachel Berry would never share the spotlight on her wedding day. And two, you don’t want to marry me and I don’t want to marry you.”

“Oh.” Finn sounded relieved. At the time, she’d been annoyed and a little insulted and she thought he was lucky that he wasn’t in front of her, because she would have punched him. But when she was older, she realized that he was only 23 then, and definitely not ready to settle down. She hadn’t been ready, either, especially not with him.

“I’m keeping it.”

“Good,” Finn said, and in that moment, Quinn loved him again, because he genuinely sounded like he meant it. “I’ll do whatever you need me to do, Quinn, I promise.”

“I know, you will,” she said softly.

“I’m gonna be a dad,” Finn mused. “Wow.”

Rachel was surprised, but supportive when Quinn told her the news.

“Finn’s a great guy, so I know he’ll be a great father. And you’re a great mom, Quinn. I know you can do it.”

“I think it’s going to be okay,” Quinn said softly. She’d have to make some adjustments to her lifestyle-- she’d have to stop buying clothes for herself, not that she went shopping for herself much anyway, she’d probably have to stop taking Janie to the movies so much, and cut back on luxuries, but it could be done. And a part of him kind of felt like she owed him for what she did to him back when they were in high school.

“So Finn, huh?” Rachel asked, her tone neutral.

“We got drunk. It was a mistake. But I really needed someone that night, and he was there.”

Even though she knew she didn’t have to, Quinn still felt the need to justify her actions.

“What was going on?” Rachel asked softly. Suddenly, she sounded worried. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”

Quinn forced herself to chuckle. “I was just emotional, that’s all. Work stuff, you know. Nothing big.”

How could she tell Rachel that she needed someone that night because Rachel was marrying someone else? How could she tell Rachel that all she could think about was that when she’d last seen Rachel, Caleb was just some friend that took her to see plays and went with her to movies based on musicals? That Quinn never gave any thought to a Caleb taking Rachel away, and that she’d taken it for granted when she kissed Rachel, when she lay curled in bed next to her? She hadn’t known then that it was going to be the last time, and now less than a year later, Rachel had a Caleb she was going to marry and Quinn was filled with such jealousy and regret, she thought she was going to scream.

So she’d slept with her sweet ex-boyfriend, and now she was pregnant.

And now Rachel wasn’t marrying Caleb.

Quinn wanted to scream. Why couldn’t she make good life choices, smart life choices?

But instead, she finished talking about her plans for the baby and then turned the subject to Rachel.

“How about you? Are you okay?”

“I can finally breathe again,” Rachel said softly.

‘Yeah, me too,’ Quinn wanted to add. But she didn’t. “What happened?” she asked quietly.

“Eh,” Rachel said. “It’s not even important,” she said dismissively. “But it doesn’t matter. He would have called it off eventually. He told me it was very lonely to be in a relationship with me, so it just goes to show he would’ve called it off anyway. And even if he’d gotten married, he would have gotten tired of me once he got to really know me.”

“That’s bullshit,” Quinn interrupted softly. “It never felt lonely being with you. It was lonely without you.”

Rachel chuckled sadly. “Yeah, but I was pretty easy to get rid of and get over.”

“No,” Quinn said quietly. “You weren’t.”

There was silence for a long moment and then Rachel spoke again. “Move out here with me,” she whispered. “Bring Jane. It’ll be perfect, you have to go on maternity leave eventually.”

“I can’t,” Quinn said softly. “You know that I can’t. Especially now. It won’t be long before I can barely afford to live here, let alone live there.”

“It doesn’t have to be like that, Quinn. You could live with me. We could make something work out.”

“I can’t,” Quinn said regretfully. Her independence was hard-earned, and she didn’t feel like she could give that up, not even for Rachel. She was not going to put herself in the position where she was at the mercy of someone else, never again. And she couldn’t just uproot Janie’s life just because she wanted to run to her ex-girlfriend. What if it didn’t work out with Rachel? Things were never easy for them, and they’d spent so many years apart, and Rachel had this whole life that Quinn wasn’t a part of. So what if she moved out to Rachel and they broke up? Then she would have uprooted her life and Janie’s life for nothing. And she had a baby on the way. She was an adult now, and one thing Quinn had learned about being adult was that, sometimes, adults had to choose not to do something they desperately wanted to do.


	14. Chapter 14

Year: 2017

Despite the fact teenaged pregnancy was generally pretty ill-advised, there was something to be said for having a baby younger in life as opposed to later in life. Of course, Quinn knew that 24 could hardly be considered “later in life” and might even be on the younger side of motherhood, but she could feel a big difference between having a baby at 16 and having a baby at 24. She didn’t lose the weight as quickly, her body didn’t bounce back as quickly, and she didn’t recover as quickly, either.

But there were advantages to having a baby at 24, over having a baby at 16. This time, she didn’t feel as terrified, and she didn’t feel alone.

With her first pregnancy, she’d been terrified of being discovered by her parents and terrified about what Finn would do if he ever found out that the baby was Puck’s. But she’d survived when both of those fears came to fruition. Finn was there every step of the way, at least in spirit, because physically speaking, he did still live in LA. But he helped pay for the medical bills, and he was always encouraging over the phone. She knew if she really needed him, he would be there for her. Brittany went with her to most of her doctor’s appointments and Mike promised he’d babysit any time she needed it. Tina, pregnant with her and Artie’s first child, was going through the same experience, so at least this time, Quinn had a friend she could be pregnant with. That was nice.

Quinn did kind of envy the way Tina had Artie right there with her through everything. Someone to touch her belly and massage her back and run out to get food to satisfy cravings. Tina always looked vaguely apologetic any time Artie did something ridiculously sweet for her in front of Quinn, but Quinn couldn’t begrudge them their happiness. After all, they’d survived a long-distance relationship when Tina went off to college at Penn, weathered a temporary break-up when they couldn’t decide if Tina should move back to Lima or if Artie should move to Philadelphia after they’d graduated college. (Due to the fact that Amy, Rachel’s birth mother, resided in Philadelphia, Quinn had been squarely on Artie’s side on that on, much to Tina’s utter dismay). They’d been through a lot together, and Quinn thought someone should be happy.

Her parents were predictably dismayed about her pregnancy, and she knew they kind of had a point. It was one thing to have a baby out of wedlock as an impulse and pleasure-driven teenager. But she was an adult and she had no business getting pregnant accidentally. Her parents were also judgmental about her Asian friend and her wheel-chair bound boyfriend living in sin and having a baby out of wedlock when they could just as easily get married.

It infuriated her, the way they were so judgmental about friends who’d been so supportive and so good to her, even when they had no reason to be. She’d been cruel to the Glee kids, before she joined up and she was not exactly known for her kind heart when she was a student at McKinley. Tina and Artie had been really good to her, and it rankled her that her parents were so coldly judgmental about them.

Their continued rejection of her still stung, of course, no matter how much she tried to tell herself it didn’t matter or that she didn’t care. These were the two people who were supposed to love her most in the world, but they could never see her as the daughter they raised since they found out she was pregnant with Jane. She just couldn’t understand it, because she didn’t think there was anything Janie could do to make her love Janie less or to see her as anything other than her little baby girl. It didn’t matter how old Janie got, she’d always just be Janie to her.

She loved her baby boy, even if her parents did not greet his birth with the joy that grandparents usually did. Finn’s mother was ecstatic, and even Mrs. Puckerman came to the hospital, excitedly gripping Mrs. Hudson’s arm. Their families were so closely linked, that Todd may just as well have been Mrs. Puckerman’s grandbaby, the way Mrs. Hudson always treated Janie like Janie was her granddaughter.

Todd was such a sweet, easy baby. She knew she’d gotten lucky both of her kids were such easy babies, because Janie had been no trouble at all either. It was Finn who named his son, and although it wasn’t necessarily what she would have chosen, she thought she sort of owed it to him, especially since her son would have her surname rather than Finn’s. Besides, Todd was infinitely better than ‘Drizzle’ which was what he wanted to name Janie.

Tina gave birth to a little girl just four days after she gave birth to Todd. Artie and Tina named her Sandy, because that was Artie’s mother’s name. Little Sandy was only about three hours old when Brittany declared that Todd Fabray and Sandy Chang-Abrams would probably end up getting married, because when they blended their names together in a portmanteau, it could be “toddy.”

“You want my daughter to marry Quinn’s son because combining their names together will form an alcohol beverage?” Artie asked curiously.

“Well…” Brittany said slowly. “Yeah.”

“There are worse reasons to get married,” Finn opined.

By the time Todd was born, there was a mini Glee reunion. Finn flew in from LA to witness the birth of his son, and Rachel flew in from New York. Everyone else send presents and well-wishes. Notably absent from the waiting room were Quinn’s parents and her older sister.

Although it’d been painful at the time, Quinn thought it was for the best, because she’d always remember that at least the people she’d loved most cared enough to show up.

“He is so beautiful,” Rachel whispered.

Finn had left to make a few jubilant phone calls to his friends, but he needed to go outside the hospital for that.

“Is he?” Quinn asked with a small smile. In her experience, newborns tended to be pretty ugly, because they were still really red and squished looking.

“He is,” Rachel confirmed. She gently touched Quinn’s cheek with the back of her hand and smiled down at Quinn. “You did so good, Quinn,” she whispered. She pressed a soft kiss to Quinn’s lips. “I’m so proud of you.” She traced her fingers down the slope of Quinn’s cheek. “You’re so beautiful.”

“I look like a total mess,” Quinn protested.

“You have always been the prettiest girl I know,” Rachel said quietly. She gently pressed her forehead against Quinn’s.

“Yeah, right,” Quinn scoffed. “That girl you’re doing Rent with is much hotter than I am.”

“You’re the one I can’t catch my breath around,” Rachel said quietly. She pressed a light kiss to Quinn’s forehead. “I’ll let you get some rest now,” she said softly.

“Rach?” Quinn called, blindly reaching out to Rachel. She grabbed the soft fabric of Rachel’s shirt. “Do you have to go back right away? Can you stay in town for a while?”

Rachel stroked Quinn’s hair. “I’ll be here as long as you need me,” she said softly.

“What about your show?” Quinn asked quietly.

“That’s what understudies are for.”

In her more insightful moments, (Quinn did not enjoy being insightful, at least, when it came to herself) she knew part of the reason she was so hard on Rachel sometimes was because she wanted to see how far she could push Rachel. If her own parents had essentially disowned her because she made a youthful error in judgment, then it was fair to assume that there was always something she could do to make Rachel stop loving her. Every time she saw her parents, she saw the disappointment on their faces, the judgment.

Janie could never be considered a mistake, but Quinn would never delude anyone into believing having a baby at 16 was easy. It would have been a hell of a lot easier if she had a little more parental support. Not a lot more, Quinn knew she’d been a disappointment, but just a little more support would have been nice. It’d be nice now. Still, Quinn knew it was easier for her than it was for other teen parents, and part of it was because she had such an incredible circle of friends. And Rachel, who’d definitely missed her calling as a community organizer or a social worker, had been at the center of that circle, the one who was always organizing and rallying the others to help.

She used to wonder if maybe Rachel only helped her out back in high school because of their grudgingly admitted mutual attraction, but it just seemed in Rachel’s nature to organize and rally. Over the years, Quinn witnessed Rachel’s involvement in various causes dedicated to social justice, even ones where she wasn’t an interested party or directly impacted by the movement. It was just in Rachel’s nature to get involved-- the woman had to do something with all that limitless energy. Rachel was the only person Quinn knew who worked out right before running and finishing the New York Marathon, and then going on to perform two shows afterward. Rachel was still the one who tried to get her cast members to go sing karaoke and get drink after the show. Quinn would suspect drugs if she didn’t know better.

Over the years she’d traded numerous mean-spirited comments and subtle barbs with Rachel. She has said things to Rachel that made her inwardly wince and still failed to apologize for it, she has deliberately incurred Rachel’s wrath, but never did she feel that Rachel stopped loving her. Rachel might be miffed or angry at her, and there were definitely times when Rachel was unnecessarily huffy with her. But so far, no matter how much she has tested the depth of Rachel’s love for her, Rachel always managed to come through for her. She hoped Rachel felt the same way about her, but she could never be sure since Rachel tended to keep things like that to herself.

\--

Year: 2019

The next two years were a blur. Todd was born, she bought her first house, Brittany moved away, Rachel started to get more famous, she started to get a little more seniority at work. But it was all mostly one big mesh. Once Todd was born, her life changed again, but she’d managed to do it once before, and this time she had even more help. Mrs. Hudson, who’d always been so willing to watch Jane, was even more willing to help out, now that she had a grandson to spoil and cosset. Mrs. Puckerman was equally willing to spoil Todd, the way she’d spoiled Janie over the years, and Quinn found herself truly lucky that the two women were so willing to help her out.

Still, she was just so busy the first year of Todd’s life, trying to juggle between work, and her two kids, that the only thing that made her pause was when Mrs. Puckerman passed away. It’d been very sudden and very ugly, and Janie was inconsolable. Even though Todd was only a little over a year old, he seemed to sense the loss. Puck was heartbroken, but it was little Sarah Puckerman who seemed shattered. Little Sarah Puckerman was nineteen years old by then, but everyone still thought of her as Little Sarah Puckerman.

Sarah was always a mama’s girl, and she was a very involved aunt. Even though she wasn’t related to Todd by blood, Sarah seemed to consider herself his aunt, and so she treated him as though he were family. When Sarah disappeared for a while after her mother passed away, Quinn was concerned, but thought maybe she needed some time alone. But as the months passed by, she became increasingly worried, and the more she asked Puck about it, the more he seemed annoyed.

“She’s fine,” Puck insisted. “She’s just clearing her head. She’s young, she can do it.”

“I think she’s in trouble, Puck.”

“Yeah, well, she’s my sister, not yours.”

But then one day, he showed up at her doorstep with a baby in his arms.

“My sister had a baby and she gave him to me. I don’t know what to do with him”

Quinn stared at Puck, who looked terrified and heartbroken, and then stared at the little bundle in Puck’s arm, swaddled in a blue blanket. At the very least, that little baby was Janie’s cousin, which meant he was Todd’s cousin, too. For better or worse, that baby was family, and like it or not, Puck was, too. Quinn couldn’t turn away family.

\--

“A baby?” Rachel repeated incredulously. “Like, a human baby and not, you know, one of those surprisingly realistic dolls that look like they’re breathing? Or maybe, you know, a baby seal or gorilla?”

“A human baby, Rachel.”

“A human baby,” Rachel repeated. “I--” she trailed off. “I don’t have any idea what to say,” she said. “I mean, I can’t believe Sarah did that to Noah, and I can’t believe Noah did that to you.”

“Rach, Puck can’t take care of a baby. I mean, he works all the time! Who’s going to watch the baby?”

“Yeah, but what’s Noah’s plan?” Rachel asked. “I mean, what does he want from you and where is Sarah?”

Puck seemed truly heartbroken he couldn’t take care of his nephew, and while Quinn desperately wanted to say “I told you so” because Puck had been deluding himself into believing that parenting was easy, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Puck seemed so despondent that he couldn’t rise to the challenge, but Quinn didn’t blame him. He was a single guy, who worked like a dog since finding his job through the Marine Corps League. There was no way he could take care of a baby, not without significant help from a support system that he simply did not have in Miami.

“I don’t know,” Quinn said in frustration. “What am I supposed to do? Puck can’t take care of him, Mrs. Puckerman is gone and Sarah disappeared. What are we supposed to do? Call social services?”

Rachel shuddered audibly. “No! Don’t call them,” she said. “My mom kept calling them on my dads when I was in elementary and middle school, and they’d always send a social worker out to interview us and ask all kinds of embarrassing questions. Isn’t there something else we could do? Anything else?”

“Well, what am I supposed to do? Puck wants me to, like, keep this baby. I can’t keep this baby!”

“Well, where’s the baby now?”

“He’s with me, obviously,” Quinn said. “But I mean, long-term, what am I supposed to do? And Puck said Logan’s going to have, like, problems,” Quinn said. “Because Sarah was…”

“Sarah was pretty messed up,” Rachel supplied quietly. Once Mrs. Puckerman passed away, Little Sarah Puckerman stopped being sweet Little Sarah Puckerman and just because Sarah Puckerman. “That’s the baby’s name? Logan?”

“Yeah,” Quinn sighed.

“What kind of problems does he have?”

“It’s too early to tell,” Quinn said, sighing again. “I’m taking him to the doctor tomorrow, maybe they can tell me more. But I can tell he’s not normal. Do you remember when you would hold Janie or Todd and they would just kind of curl into you? When they were like, first born, I mean.”

“Sure,” Rachel said softly. “They just kind of fit in.”

“Logan’s really stiff,” Quinn said quietly. “I mean, he’s beautiful, but I can tell he’s not normal.”

“The Puckermans do make beautiful babies,” Rachel agreed with a sigh.

“I don’t think I can take this on, Rach. I mean, I have to think about Janie and Todd. Todd’s only two. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Rachel sighed. She wished she could volunteer to take the baby, but there was just no way she’d ever raise a baby properly. She had no model for motherhood, and anyway, she was pretty sure she was a genetic zero when it came to being a good mother. She wasn’t going to subject an already vulnerable baby to her entire lack of ability to parent.

“Where the hell is the baby’s father?”

“Sarah doesn’t even know who he is.”

Rachel groaned. She sighed heavily. “Oh,” she said, feeling both disappointed in and sorry for little Sarah Puckerman, who wasn’t so little anymore.

“I really don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Quinn, no one’s going to think less of you for not doing it.”

Quinn stared down at the fitfully sleeping baby, and inwardly cursed Sarah fucking Puckerman. If she wanted to ruin her own life, that was fine, but did she have to screw up this baby’s life, too? She couldn’t have just gone to therapy like a normal person?

“He’s family,” Quinn said softly. “I mean, he’s Janie’s cousin by blood. And he’s Todd’s cousin, too. Family means something to me,” she said quietly.

“I know it does,” Rachel murmured. “But you don’t have to give up so much of your life for it, either.”

“I don’t know, Rach. I think I do.”

“Well,” Rachel sighed. “We can talk about it more when I get there.”

It was only eight hours after that Quinn got to see Rachel, and they talked well into the night, and then into the next day about the options. Rachel, being Rachel, stole the dry-erase board from Quinn’s classroom and made a pro and con list. Each side of the list had its own flow chart. They consulted with doctors and other professionals, and they came to the heartbreaking conclusion that it was just not a good idea for Quinn to keep Logan.

“You’re a person, Quinn. Not a fairy godmother or a miracle worker. You don’t have to be superwoman.”

But Quinn could see the smitten expression on Rachel’s face when she gazed down at baby Logan. Rachel was clearly in love with that baby already, and Quinn had to admit, after less than one full day, she was kind of in love with the baby, too.  
\---

Year: 2020

In the end, Quinn couldn’t turn away family, and so she agreed to keep Logan Puckerman. Despite Rachel’s protestations, Quinn didn’t know what to do except call Children’s Services. She tried to file for a legal guardianship, but found she needed some way to demonstrate her link to Logan, and she really didn’t have any. Social services kept Logan with her while they searched for Sarah, but Sarah never materialized, even after a year. Quinn knew the baby needed some kind of permanency.

After a year, Quinn knew she couldn’t give the baby back, not even if Sarah asked.  
Besides, Logan had needed a lot of extra help, and his first year of life was filled with doctor’s visits and appointments with a physical and occupational therapist. It was only after the first year of life and intensive services Logan started meeting his developmental milestones and Quinn started to relax because it was finally feeling familiar rather than new and scary and completely overwhelming. Quinn didn’t think Sarah could rise to the challenge, even if she came back and so Quinn had no intention of giving back the boy she considered to be her son.

She adopted him legally eighteen months after he first came into her life, and she did it without regret. He was a helpless little kid, and he was family. She may have still been in contact with her mother, father and sister, but they weren’t really a family anymore. She knew what it was like to have been turned away by family, and she’d seen what Rachel’s mother’s rejection did to Rachel. Quinn wasn’t about to allow something like that to happen to some helpless little baby.

“You’re my hero,” Rachel whispered to her, as they lay together in Quinn’s bed one evening. Logan’s adoption had been finalized earlier that day, and there was no way Rachel was going to miss such a momentous occasion. She’d been there when Janie was born, then when Todd was born, so she sure as hell was going to be there for the day Logan was officially deemed Logan Fabray.

“Oh stop,” Quinn chuckled, but it’d pleased her to hear it.

“You are,” Rachel insisted. “I wish you knew how much.”

“You would have done the same if you had to,” Quinn said.

“No, I wouldn’t.” Rachel said. “I think the fact that you’re the one who adopted Logan, and that you were the one who made sure he got all his therapy and his medical appointments, and Noah and I just stayed on the sidelines demonstrates that I definitely would not have done the same.”

“I think you would have,” Quinn protested.

“I think the fact that I didn’t, proves I didn’t have the fortitude,” Rachel said. She smiled adoringly at Quinn. “But you did.”

Quinn lay on her side and threaded her fingers through Rachel’s hair. “I think you’re selling yourself short. Besides, no one expected you to be able to do it. I mean, you have your career…”

“You have yours,” Rachel reminded her mildly.

“Yours is a lot harder to control.”

“You’re a great mom,” Rachel said, grabbing Quinn’s hand that was running through her hair and holding onto it. “I really love that about you,” she said wistfully.

“I think you’d make a great mom,” Quinn said softly, pulling Rachel in close and hugging the brunette as tightly as she could.

Rachel’s body relaxed in Quinn’s. “No,” she sighed. “I wouldn’t. But it’s nice to know you think I would.”

Over the years she’d known Quinn, she’d seen Quinn really have to grow up, and she saw the way Quinn always put her kids needs ahead of her own. Where Quinn used to be fairly fashion conscious, now it was a rare thing for Quinn to buy anything new for herself-- but the kids always had new clothes. Teenaged Quinn might have been described as being a little self-absorbed and selfish, Quinn now thought of her three children first. They were her first and foremost concern, and Rachel admired and loved that about Quinn.

Rachel couldn’t see herself acting similarly. She couldn’t see herself giving up her career or her freedom. She knew she was still selfish and self-absorbed and she’d chosen a profession that was notorious for its selfish and self-absorbed people. She was still tactless and thoughtless, although she didn’t really want to be. Maybe she had too much of her biological mother in her, maybe her fathers had spoiled her too much, maybe she was just wired to be self-absorbed and self-indulgent. But all she knew was that clearly, Quinn had grown up, and she hadn’t. Much to her dismay, she didn’t see herself fitting very well into Quinn’s life. Quinn’s life was about family. And Rachel’s life…well, Rachel had to admit, her life was all about her.

\--

During Halloween that year, Rachel made an effort to visit the kids. She was in between shows, and was actually waiting to film her first movie, but it didn’t start until the fourth of November, so she thought she should see Quinn and the kids while she had some free time. It was unlikely she’d be able to come home for the winter holidays, so Rachel wanted to be able to see Quinn and the kids.

Halloween fell on a Saturday that year, and so Janie stayed up as long as she wanted. Todd and Logan dozed off right after they came home from trick-or-treating.

Quinn and Rachel inspected the Halloween candy, and Jane sat in between them waiting for permission to get a couple pieces of candy. Quinn, Rachel and Jane took turns telling each other scary stories, although Quinn and Rachel made sure that the stories weren’t too scary and remained kid-appropriate.

Janie told them the story about the Golden Arm, and when Janie moaned “who has my golden arm?” in a hilarious imitation of what she thought an elderly ghost woman would sound like, Quinn and Rachel looked at one another, shared a smile and each bit back their laughter. When Janie grabbed Rachel shouting the punch line “YOU’VE GOT IT!” both Rachel and Quinn feigned being frightened, and Jane was clearly pleased.

Quinn told a story of a young girl who moved into a new house with her parents who tended to ignore her and found a secret door that led her to a dimension where she had parents who lavished attention on her, but they had buttons for eyes. The little girl could stay in the world she was the center of attention, but she had to give up her eyes to her other worldly mother, who turned out to be some kind of witch who had been doing that for generations.

“Wait a minute,” Janie interrupted in her eleven year old suspicious glory. “That’s Coraline,” she exclaimed accusingly. “You’re stealing the story from Coraline!”

“You didn’t tell an original story either,” Quinn pointed out to her daughter. “Your story is as old as…I don’t even know. It’s an old story.”

“Well, Uncle Finn told it to me,” Jane sniffed. “Aunt Rachel, you tell a story, and make it better than the one my mom told.”

Rachel grinned. “I have the perfect story, actually, I heard it on the radio recently, so I didn’t make it up. But it was really scary, so I’ll tell it to you.”

Jane grinned at her. “Thanks,” she said.

“Okay,” Quinn said, as she and Rachel examined the last two pieces of Halloween candy. “You can choose two pieces of candy for the night.”

“Three?”

Quinn sighed. “Fine, but only because it’s Saturday.”

“Yay!” Jane cheered. She picked a bag miniature bag of M&Ms, and then passed her mother a Mr. Goodbar and Rachel a Snickers bar. “Those are your favorites, right?” she asked, turning first to smile at her mother and then turning back to smile at Rachel.

“Yeah,” Rachel confirmed, opening hers and taking a bite. She threw her arm around Jane and gave the girl a half-hug. “You sure you don’t mind giving one up?”

“You can have all of them if you’ll come to live with us,” Jane pleaded.

Rachel and Quinn exchanged flustered glances.

“Um, why would you want me to live with you guys, sweetheart?” Rachel asked carefully.

“Because when you come over and we visit you, Mom lets us stay up as late as we want and eat what we want,” Jane said.

Rachel burst into laughter. “You are just like your mom and your dad,” she said affectionately.

Jane flopped onto her back and laid her head in Rachel’s lap and put her feet up into Quinn’s lap. “Tell your story, Aunt Rachel.”

“Okay,” Rachel agreed, giving Quinn a sidelong glance. She grinned crookedly.

Quinn looked at her encouragingly.

Rachel felt Jane’s hand squeeze her knee impatiently, and so, Rachel began her story.

“There was a family who lived right here in Ohio,” Rachel said, lowering and deepening her voice slightly to add to the overall dramatic effect. She was taking some liberties with the story she heard on the radio, but she didn’t think anyone would notice. “It was sometime in the 1920s. This family, the Andersons, moved into their new house at the end of the year. It wasn’t a new house, in the sense that it was newly built, it was just new to them. It was actually really old and sort of decrepit and in need of repair. You know, a fixer upper. The family lived with their servants and they tried to adjust to their new home.”

“Does that mean they were rich?” Jane asked. “If they had servants?”

“Yes,” Rachel answered.

The story went on. The house was gloomy and quiet. It was lit with gaslights-- there was no electricity. And almost from the moment the family moved in, strange things started happening-- family members and servants heard phantom footsteps, there was noises everywhere throughout the house late a night. Sounds like the sound of china shattering and furniture being moved. They felt as though they were watched and followed as they walked throughout the house. It felt as though someone was creeping behind them, as though someone was about to touch them. Plants started to die, and the family members fell ill one by one, the youngest getting sick first. The sheets started being pulled off the bed. One night, the mother felt someone lay down on the bed to the left of her, but her husband was sleeping on her right. She felt someone touch her forehead. They began seeing ghosts.

Quinn and Jane were quiet as they listened to the story. Jane had sat up and had crept increasingly closer to Quinn to the point that she was now practically cradled in Quinn’s lap. Rachel, always theatrical, and happy to have an audience made the story as ominous as possible.

“The woman’s brother arrived for a visit,” Rachel said. “And he seemed to know right away what was wrong with the house.”

“What was he, psychic or something?” Jane asked, her voice hushed.

“He suspected that…” Rachel paused. “The family was being poisoned by carbon monoxide poisoning.”

“CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING?!” Quinn and Jane shouted in unison.

“Shh,” Rachel said. “You’re going to wake the boys!”

Quinn and Jane rolled their eyes and stared at Rachel with matching looks of disdain.

“Carbon monoxide is very scary,” Rachel said seriously. “The furnace was sending fumes into the house instead of up the chimney.”

“Wait a minute,” Jane said. “But did that explain why they were seeing ghosts and hearing things and feeling things on their skin?” she demanded.

Rachel grinned. “Yes.”

“Mom, your story was better than hers,” Jane declared.

Quinn grabbed a pillow and hit Rachel with it. “That was a tease!”

Rachel gave her a guileless smile. “But I heard it on an old This American Life. It’s a true story, and true scary stories are always the scariest.”

“How was that story even remotely scary?” Quinn demanded.

“You don’t find carbon monoxide poisoning scary?” Rachel asked. “I find it very scary.” Rachel gave her another innocent smile, eyes wide.

Quinn burst into laughter and hit Rachel with the pillow again. She grabbed Rachel from behind, and wrapped her arms around Rachel’s shoulders and pulled Rachel close. “Stop playing dumb!”

“I’m not playing dumb!” Rachel squeaked trying to pull away from Quinn. She was starting to lose grip on her innocent façade and she began laughing. “You should have seen the looks on your faces!” Rachel crowed, slapping her hand on the ground. “You both looked so scared!” Rachel laughed hysterically and Quinn continued to hit Rachel with the pillow. Rachel tried to escape, but it was difficult because she was doubled over from laughing and was trying to catch her breath in short little gasps.

Jane pouted. “Aunt Rachel, if you don’t start playing fair and telling the stories right, I’m not going to give you any more candy.”

Rachel raised an eyebrow and wrapped her arm around Jane affectionately. “Really?” she teased.

Jane couldn’t suppress her grin. “No,” she admitted. “I’ll give you more candy. But you need to tell a story right! Your story was good, up until the ending.”

“Your aunt has problems with that sometimes,” Quinn said with a grin.

“This again,” Rachel sighed. Rachel turned to Jane. “Your mom is always trying to tell me I don’t tell stories right, but your mom just wants so much detail,” she said.

“I know,” Jane said. “My mom is always asking all these questions, that I don’t even care about, like, when I asked her if I could go to Hannah Kessler’s house, she asked me all these questions about Hannah’s parents. Hello, I don’t know!”

“I know what you mean,” Rachel said very seriously, although she was trying to bite back a laugh. That was the thing with Janie, she was never sure how much Janie was still a kid, and how much she was growing up into a little teenager. Janie still loved to trick-or-treat, which made her a kid, but then she said things like that and she was very much the budding teenager.

Quinn watched the affectionate way Rachel treated Janie and she felt like a tiny fist slammed against her heart inside her chest. Rachel treated all her kids so tenderly, Quinn knew that the kids would be thrilled if Rachel moved in. Despite Janie’s joke about being able to stay up late and eat whatever she wanted, Quinn knew Jane would be overjoyed if Rachel ever did move in. But Rachel would be giving up so much, and Quinn wasn’t sure how she’d handle it if Rachel moved back to Lima and moved in with her. People would surely talk, and Quinn wasn’t sure she was ready for that.

Rachel left after a few days to film her movie, and Quinn and Jane were clearly sad to ese her ago. Because Rachel was so busy, contact with her was pretty scarce after she left-- a few random text message and a couple of brief emails sent from Rachel’s phone. Even though Hanukkah and Christmas were coming up, it didn’t look like Rachel would be able to come home due to her filming schedule, and Quinn had to admit that even though the Halloween visit was supposed to make up for it, she was disappointed.

\--

“MOM!”

Quinn’s head snapped up, and she nearly sliced her finger off because she was chopping some vegetables for a salad at the time. There was genuine terror in Janie’s voice and Quinn felt goosebumps rise on her arm.

“Janie?” Quinn called, throwing the knife into the sink and running into the living room where her daughter was sitting at the computer. “Jane, what is it?”

“Aunt Rachel is on the news,” Janie said, pointing at her computer screen. “She got hurt.”

Quinn stood behind her daughter. “What’re you talking about?”

“I get stuff about Aunt Rachel emailed to me once a week from The New York Times, remember? This happened four days ago.” Janie pointed to the article she was reading.

Actress Hurt in Fall on Movie Set read the headline.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” Janie demanded. “Why did you keep this from me?”

“I didn’t know,” Quinn whispered, reading the article.

There was actual video footage to accompany the article, and Quinn had to see it, but once she did, she wished she’d had enough self-control to not look at it. But at least she’d had the sense to send Jane out of the room for it.

There was nothing out of the ordinary at first. Just people talking, and then there was shouting. Whoever posted the video to the internet helpfully circled the upper right hand corner where Quinn could make out a small child, maybe four or five, climbing up what turned out to be a prop tower, which was at least nine stories tall. The child, who another actress brought to the set for the day, crawled onto the tower’s first set scaffolding, apparently around the third story of the tower. He waved to the crowd below, jumping up and down. There was shouting and screaming, about the tower not being stable enough for that and discussion about what to do. But there was no one taking any action.

And then there was a dark-haired blur, running toward the tower. It was Rachel.

Quinn watched in horror as Rachel climbed up, still as agile as ever. She climbed up the tower and onto the scaffolding, in what seemed to be just a few seconds and everything seemed to be okay. There were people laughing and calling out to Rachel from off-camera. Rachel got down on her knees and gestured for the boy to get on her back, when the floor from under them made an audible crack, more of a boom sound.

Rachel groped for the boy and grabbed him, holding him to her chest and she tried to make a desperate attempt to get to the edge so she could climb back down the way she came up, but the floor of the scaffolding gave way. There were screams as they fell and then there was a momentary stunned silence as Rachel hit the ground.

Rachel seemed to hit the ground with the lower half of her body before the upper half of her body slammed down. Quinn couldn’t hear the sound of flesh hitting the ground, but she heard Rachel make a very short scream of pain, and then she was quiet. Her head hit the ground after that. Then the screaming from the crowd started again.

Whoever was filming the incident zoomed in on Rachel’s face, and she was awake, but crying. She was bleeding, and there was a lot of it. It wasn’t so much the blood that bothered Quinn, because Quinn had braced herself to see it-- it looked like a bad fall and she was just grateful that Rachel was still alive. Blood was to be expected. Someone was trying frantically to stop the bleeding, but Quinn couldn’t take her eyes off Rachel’s face. She would never forget the sight of Rachel crying, and the fact that some asshole had the presence of mind to zoom in on her face while she was lying there, hurt and crying. Rachel tried never to cry in front of other people, no matter how hurt or sad she was, and now someone had captured that moment on film, and it was up for any asshole with an internet connection to see.

Even when Quinn wanted to forget that sight, she never could. Rachel wasn’t crying copiously or anything, the way someone would expect, but these slow, quiet, choked tears, and that was the worst thing of all, because even when she was so hurt, Rachel was still trying to be as tough and as strong as possible. Someone took the child from her, who was crying and screaming, but seemed unharmed, especially compared to Rachel who looked agonized. A man Quinn recognized as a friend and costar of Rachel’s knelt beside her and stroked her hair and told her she was going to be okay. Rachel’s eyes had become glassy and she was trying to speak, but there were no words coming out, just sounds. They kept rolling the tape until the ambulance got there which was just in a couple minutes. They moved Rachel to put on the stretcher, and she began screaming for the first time, pleading with them to stop and put her down. It was clearly agonizing to be moved. Someone off-camera snapped to turn the (bleeped out) camera off, and then the video ended.

Quinn swallowed hard and closed the video out. Someone was going to regret filming that, Quinn would see to that. She took a deep breath, trying to collect her thoughts, but she felt tears well up in her eyes and she ran to the bathroom and threw up. Then she got Rachel’s hospital information, booked a flight, dropped the kids off at Mrs. Hudson’s, ignored Jane’s pleas to come with her, pleaded with Finn’s mom to be sure Jane didn’t see the video footage of Rachel’s accident and high-tailed it to New York City.  
\--

Quinn arrived at the hospital to find that Puck was already there, and had been for the past three days. She glared at him, but chose not to pursue why he hadn’t called her, at least, at that moment. At that moment, it was more important she saw Rachel, just to make sure Rachel was okay. With most planes having WiFi, she’d scoured the internet and determined Rachel was mercifully still alive, but the injuries were extensive.

Rachel was sleeping when Quinn stepped into her hospital room. She approached the bed quickly, just to make sure Rachel was really there.

“Rachel,” Quinn whispered. “Rachel, oh baby. Rachel.”

Rachel looked so frail.

Quinn hesitantly touched Rachel’s forehead. There was some bruising to Rachel’s face, a few cuts and scrapes, but it was mostly unmarred. It was just that Rachel looked so fragile at the moment. Quinn wanted so badly to cry, but she didn’t. She couldn’t have Rachel wake up and see her crying, that would be ridiculous. Rachel was the one with a reason to cry.

“God,” Quinn whispered. “Rachel, you idiot,” she sighed. She swallowed hard. She knew Rachel had been very lucky to be alive, but a broken pelvis, fractured legs and damage to her chest and abdomen in addition to cuts and scrapes did not feel all that lucky. Rachel burst a major artery in one of her legs, which they’d been able to repair, but if they hadn’t, Rachel could have lost the leg. It definitely could have been worse if Rachel weren’t in such good shape-- all those gymnastics and dance classes when she was little had paid off and Rachel had been able to fall in such a way as to limit the damage done to her body and to the child she was holding in her arms. From what Quinn could understand Rachel could have died or suffered even more massive internal injuries than the ones she sustained or permanent head damage, and none of those things were things Quinn wanted to even contemplate.

She sat limply in one of the chairs and waited by Rachel’s bed side. She was waiting there when Rachel woke up an hour later.

“Hey,” Quinn said, rushing to stand up. “Rachel,” she said, releasing a long breath.

Rachel slowly opened her eyes and smiled tiredly. “Quinn?” she asked, confused. “What are you doing here?” she asked, her voice rough and coming out in a croak.

“You’re in the hospital, you nerd. Of course I am here.” Quinn took a shuddering breath and hesitantly stroked Rachel’s forehead. “God, I told you, you aren’t a spider or something.” she said quietly. “Didn’t I tell you one of these days you were going to get hurt?” she demanded softly, thinking back to those days when Rachel would climb up the trellis to her room.

“I break my pelvis, and you’re fixated on telling me ‘I told you so?’” Rachel joked.

Quinn swallowed hard, trying to rid herself of the lump in her throat. “You’re an idiot,” she whispered. She felt the tears come back. “A complete idiot. It’s a miracle you even made it to 27.”

“I know,” Rachel whispered back. “Quinn,” she said softly. “Don’t cry. It’s not a big deal.”

“I can cry if I want to,” Quinn said, embarrassed. She wiped at her eyes and sniffed, trying to make sure that her voice wouldn’t tremble when she spoke. “You scared the crap out of me,” Quinn said. “God, Rachel. What the hell were you thinking?”

Rachel tried to shrug, but the movement caused her to wince. “Everyone was just standing there, no one was doing anything.”

Quinn ran her hand raggedly through her hair in frustration. “It didn’t mean you had to take action.”

“Quinn,” Rachel sighed.

“Sorry,” Quinn apologized softly. She rubbed her face. “Are you in pain?” she asked. She hesitantly touched Rachel’s cheek, afraid she would hurt Rachel. “What can I do?”

“I’m okay,” Rachel said softly. “I… I can’t really feel anything. They have me on some interesting drugs.”

Quinn held Rachel’s hands. “If you ever do something like this again, I’m going to kill you.”

Rachel laughed softly. “But could you live with the guilt?”

“I can’t live with the anxiety that you’re going to get yourself killed. Are you an actress or a stuntwoman?”

“I’m very versatile.”

“I’d hit you right now if I could,” Quinn said. “Jesus, I’ve been scared this would happen since we were in high school.”

“This exact thing? Rachel asked. “You were afraid I’d fall off a prop tower?”

“No,” Quinn huffed. “But I knew you’d do something dangerous and stupid. You seem to think you’re invincible, but the laws of nature do apply to you.”

“Quinn, you are making me feel really bad right now,” Rachel joked, but there was a tinge of truth to it.

Quinn heaved a deep sigh. “I’m sorry,” she apologized.

“Did you call my dads?” Rachel asked suddenly.

Quinn cursed softly. “Shit. No, I’m sorry. I’ll call them right away. I’ll--”

“No,” Rachel said, clearly relieved. “Don’t call them. Don’t,” Rachel pleaded. “I don’t want to make them worry. I asked Noah not to call them either.”

Quinn looked at her in askance. “Rachel, they’re going to find out. Janie got a news alert from The New York Times on you in her email. That’s how I found out about it.”

“I didn’t want to worry you either,” Rachel said weakly.

“Rachel.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“You broke your goddamn pelvis, Rachel! And you busted your legs. And let’s not even get into all your fucking internal injuries, Rachel. You could have fucking died. Goddamn it, I deserve to get a phone call!”

Rachel gaped at her. She was silent for a moment. “You took the Lord’s name in vain,” she accused. “You don’t like to do that. You never do that.”

“The situation seemed appropriate,” Quinn huffed, although she was already a little contrite for doing it. “Rachel, nothing would have stopped me from coming to you, if you were hurt. Don’t you know that?”

Rachel bit her lip. “You’re busy, the kids have school, you have work.”

“You broke your pelvis.”

“I didn’t want you to be bothered with it.”

“Why would you even say that to me?” Quinn whispered. “How could you think you could keep something like this from me? Did you think I wouldn’t come? After all this time, I don’t deserve a phone call? I mean, you didn’t even have to call me yourself, if it hurt to talk. You could have asked someone to call me.”

“Quinn,” Rachel sighed.

“What?” Quinn demanded.

“We don’t have the same relationship we used to,” Rachel said softly.

“So?” Quinn demanded. “So what? We live a few states apart, and I don’t even get to know when you’re hurt? You called Puck! Jane’s the only one in school, and she’s on vacation, and so am I! I could have come to you! But you called Puck!”

“The hospital called him,” Rachel corrected. “Noah is my emergency contact and my power of attorney for medical stuff. I wouldn’t have bothered him for this, either. “

Quinn’s eyes bugged out. “He’s what?!” she yelped. “How can you let him be your--”

“If anything really serious ever happened to me,” Rachel interrupted softly. “I don’t think my dads would be able to just let me go.” One of her hands groped for Quinn. “And I didn’t think you would either.” She gave Quinn a shaky smile. “Noah doesn’t love me the way you guys love me. He’d be able to make the right choice without being emotional about it. I chose him because if I ever got really hurt, I’d want you guys to just let me go. And I don’t think you or my dads could do it. That’s why Noah is my emergency contact, Quinn. But if I ever really needed someone, you’re the one I’d call. You’re always the one I call.”

Quinn’s body sagged into the chair. “Oh.”

They were silent for a long time after that.

There was the sound of rustling sheets and then Rachel’s quiet, “Quinn.”

Quinn stood up immediately. “What? What is it? Are you hurting? Where does it hurt?”

“It doesn’t hurt,” Rachel said quietly. It actually did, but she couldn’t tell Quinn that, or else Quinn would worry. She reached for Quinn’s hand. “I’m just glad you’re here. Thank you for coming.” Rachel swallowed hard and was horrified to realize she was going to cry. “It really means a lot to me that you came.”

Quinn took it and squeezed her hand. “Of course I came,” she said softly. “God, Rachel. What did you do to yourself? You could have died, idiot,” she whispered.

“But I didn’t.”

“But you could have.”

“I’ll be back at work in six weeks, you watch me.”

Quinn snorted, but she stroked Rachel’s forehead affectionately. “I think that’s crazy, but I’m not going to bet against you. Because you’re crazy like that.”

“I am a dark horse underdog,” Rachel agreed.

“Someone else’s kid isn’t worth your life,” Quinn said somberly. “You could have died.”

She couldn’t stop thinking that Rachel could have died. She didn’t know what she would do if that had happened.

The video footage played over and over in her mind. In her mind’s eye, that fall was a slow descent, and she could see the quiet way Rachel cried as she lay there, completely helpless.

“Your kids are,” Rachel said with a sigh. “I’d break every bone for any one of them.”

Quinn swallowed hard. She knew this to be true. Quinn touched Rachel’s cheek. “I have to call your dads, Rach. If it were one of the kids who was hurt, I don’t care how old they were, I’d want to be there. You can’t take that away from your dads.”

“I don’t want to make them worry,” Rachel said. “They’re on vacation in Barbados and they’re supposed to come back in another week. Please don’t call them,” Rachel pleaded. “They hardly ever do anything fun anymore. They’ll find out about it when they come back.”

“Rachel…”

“Please,” Rachel pleaded. “They’ll just worry and there’s nothing they can do. Let them enjoy their vacation. Please, Quinn.”

Quinn gritted her teeth and she cursed the way Rachel could be so damn convincing. “Fine,” she said with a sigh. “But I’m calling them as soon as they get back.”

“Thank you,” Rachel said relieved.

Quinn stayed with Rachel until a doctor came in to examine Rachel and asked Quinn to leave. Quinn left with the promise that she was right outside.

Quinn heard Rachel joking with the doctor, and she walked out of Rachel’s room and ran into Puck, who was waiting outside Rachel’s door, looking solemn and a little afraid.

He had good reason to look like that.

“What the hell, Puck?” Quinn demanded. “Why didn’t you call me?!” She slapped her hand into his arm as hard as she could.

Puck put up his hands defensively. “Rachel asked me not to,” he said. “She didn’t want to make you worry!”

“When did Rachel ever know what was good for her, moron?! Did you even call her dads?”

“She asked me not to,” Puck said quietly.

Okay, fine. He could get a free pass on that one, she supposed.

Quinn made a noise of frustration, somewhere between an “argh” and an “ugh”. She slapped Puck’s arm again. “Stupid! What if it were one of the kids who were hurt? Do you really think you wouldn’t want to know?”

“Do you think we should call them now? I mean, I was going to call them when they got back”

Quinn crossed her arms. “Were you ever going to call me?” she demanded. She glared at him, “Never mind!” she said, when she saw he tried to fumble for a response. “No,” she said brusquely “Don’t call them yet. I promised her I wouldn’t until her dads come back from vacation.” She was extremely pissed off with herself for making such a promise, because she could see it from a parental perspective, it was just that she couldn’t refuse Rachel, not when Rachel was so banged up and lying in a special hospital water bed because she was so injured.

“Okay,” Puck agreed.

Quinn grabbed Puck by the arm. “If she’d died,” Quinn said, her voice trembling, because she knew that Rachel could have easily died, “I would have never forgiven you,” she said. “If you ever keep something like this about Rachel from me again, I swear, you and I are done. You can still see the kids whenever you want, but you and I, we’ll be done.”

“I was just doing what she asked me,” Puck said defensively. “She didn’t want me to call you. That’s not my fault.”

Quinn glared at him. “I would have called you,” she said softly. “And you know it.”

\--

Rachel was evasive about the extent of her injuries, but it was pretty obvious that she was in bad shape, and Quinn knew Rachel needed someone to take care of her. She’d had a couple of surgeries that she was still recovering from, and she’d seen Rachel become increasingly more haggard and gaunt-looking, despite the fact Rachel was trying to maintain a façade of a stiff upper lip. There was no way Rachel could be on her own while she recovered from injuries so extensive. Rachel lived alone, and apparently she liked it that way, but Quinn felt Rachel would just have to give that up for a while.

While Rachel remained in the hospital, Quinn stayed in Rachel’s apartment while she waited for Rachel to be released from the hospital. It was strange to be in Rachel’s apartment with Rachel for such an extensive period of time. It almost felt like an invasion of privacy. Quinn had to admit that she did snoop around a little, but not because she was suspicious or looking for anything in particular. She was just curious.

She didn’t find anything unusual, but it wasn’t as though she were going through all of Rachel’s drawers and looking under her bed. She just…she wanted to get a better understanding of what Rachel’s life in New York was like.

Quinn stayed in New York City for seven days, and still, Rachel was not released yet. That made it a total of eleven hospital days for Rachel. Quinn was sure that was not a good sign, but Rachel was both dismissive about her injuries and optimistic about her recovery. Once Rachel’s fathers returned from their vacation, Quinn called them. But Rachel pleaded with them not to come and insisted it wasn’t worth the trip. Quinn could understand why Rachel would want to shield her fathers, but Quinn knew they were desperately worried.

Of course, they came anyway, and they were clearly anguished by the sight of their injured child. Quinn could empathize with their fear because she couldn’t imagine what it would be like to see one of her own kids so injured. Rachel pleaded with them to go home and for once, was honest and admitted she really needed them to go home, because it was hard for her to see how difficult it was for them. They reluctantly left, and Quinn could see Rachel was genuinely relieved her fathers left, and she wasn’t exactly sure why. Maybe because it took too much energy to act strong for her fathers.

Rachel tried to play it off that she was fine, but there were times when Quinn returned to the room to find Rachel pale, shaking and in tears. It was deeply frustrating because Rachel just couldn’t admit that it hurt, even though she was clearly in pain. Every once in a while, someone would touch Rachel in the wrong way, or the nurses had to move her, and Rachel would allow a short scream of pain to come out, but always she would bite down on her lip as hard as she could. It got to the point Rachel’s lips were cracked and bleeding all the time.

“Rachel Berry does not allow something as banal as few broken limbs distract her,” Rachel joked. “You’ll see. In a few weeks, I could go rock climbing, no problem.”

It was an unrealistic dream, and they both knew it, but Quinn tried to be encouraging. Rachel’s face was extremely expressive, and when she was a teenager, she had a hard time concealing her emotions. But she’d been trained as an actress, and she’d become pretty good at disguising her emotions, although Quinn felt they were still close enough she could read Rachel pretty well. Rachel didn’t like to show anyone she was beaten. She refused to allow herself to seem like she was affected by all the taunting and bullying in high school, and she refused to allow herself to seem like she was whining about being in pain, when she really should be more honest about how much pain she was in. Quinn knew Rachel, but she didn’t always know how to handle Rachel. She tried the best she could, and she hoped it would be enough.

“Once you’re stable enough to get out of here, I’ll take you home. We can fly you home, I found this great ambulance service that will help us.” Quinn said. “Finn said he’d come to my house and get it ready for you. You know, make sure it’s accessible for the wheelchair and make adjustments to the bathrooms. I talked to the doctor and he said you’d need some handles to help you get up and--”

“Why would I do that?” Rachel interrupted softly. “Why would I go back to Lima?”

Quinn stared at her. “Who’s going to take care of you?” she asked. “What are you planning on doing? Don’t be silly. Come home and I’ll take care of you. There are doctors and physical therapists in Lima, too. And your dads are there, throw them a bone and let them see you get better!”

“Quinn, you can’t take care of me and the kids. It’s too much. And you have work.”

“So I’ll take a leave of absence, who cares?”

“No,” Rachel said. “I’m not going to make you rearrange your house and your entire life because I was too fat to stand on a prop tower.”

Quinn stared at her, open-mouthed and stunned. And then she was angry. “Too fat to--“ she trailed off, so angry that she couldn’t even speak. “You’re turning this into some vanity, self-esteem thing?” she demanded. “You’re coming home with me, and that’s final!”

“No, I’m not,” Rachel said. “I’m not going back to Lima.”

“Rachel, you’ve offered to come back so we could be together, and you won’t even come back for a few months? I’m asking you to come back so I can take care of you. Someone needs to, this isn’t something you can do on your own, you idiot!”

“I’m not going back to Lima,” Rachel said stubbornly.

Quinn clenched her fists. “Then I’ll come here,” she declared. “I’ll take a leave of absence from work, and I’ll pull the kids out of school for a few months. Janie could go to school here for a while, she’d probably even love it. And I can find a new preschool for Todd and daycare for Logan.”

Rachel stared at her. “You can’t do that.”

“Rachel, they’re my kids, you can’t tell me what to do.”

“I’m not letting you do that,” Rachel said. “You can’t uproot your entire life, their lives because I was stupid enough to fall down.”

“You fell off a building,” Quinn said softly.

“Technically, it really wasn’t a building,” Rachel said. “Look, Quinn. I appreciate the offer. But I don’t need you to take care of me, okay? Noah is going to stay with me for a while,” Rachel said quietly. “So you don’t have to. Just go home and get back to the kids. I’ll be fine.”

It was a lie, but she couldn’t tell Quinn that she didn’t want anyone to stay with her, that her doctor had been very frank about what to expect during her recovery, and it was just too much. It was too gross, too humiliating, too hard and she was not about to taken care of like that, and certainly not by Quinn. She needed to have a shred of her dignity and pride left.

Quinn stared at Rachel. Quinn clenched her jaw as hard as she could and she willed the tears she was beginning to feel well up to go away

She’d tried. She really did. But if this couldn’t convince Rachel to come back to Lima, nothing would. And Rachel had refused her offer to move out here for a couple months, so it was clear that Rachel really didn’t want her around, even if she needed someone.

“Okay,” Quinn said. “Fine. If that’s what you want.”

“It is.”  
\--

Quinn knew it was foolish, but she couldn’t help but feel hostile to Puck after her conversation with Rachel. It wasn’t his fault Rachel wanted him instead of her to help Rachel through her recovery, but Quinn couldn’t suppress the hostility and jealousy she was feeling. So she just tried to have as little contact with Puck as possible.

They had a lot of time to kill, and Quinn couldn’t ignore Puck forever. Despite Rachel’s protestations, Quinn sent out a mass email to everyone she thought would care Rachel was in the hospital. Rachel’s accident was just a small blip in the media, but that didn’t mean their friends wouldn’t find out that way. Finn visited for a few days, but he had to go back to LA and Rachel pleaded with everyone else to stay away.

While Rachel slept one morning, Quinn sat down across from Puck in the cafeteria as he sipped on a cup of coffee and picked at some eggs.

“So, are you going to take some classes or something so you know how to take care of her, or what? Because I don’t see you paying attention when the doctors are talking to her, and you better start.”

Puck was silent for a few seconds before he spoke. “Quinn, what the fuck are you talking about?”

Quinn frowned. “What the fuck are you talking about. How do you expect to take care of her if you don’t even pay attention when the doctors talk?”

“What the fuck are you talking about? I’m not staying with her. She told me you were staying with her”

“You aren’t staying with Rachel?” Quinn parroted, stunned.

“No,” Puck said slowly. “Is that why you’ve been so pissed off at me?”

“Yes,” Quinn snapped. “Is that why you’ve been so pissy with me?”

“Yeah,” Puck said frankly. “So who the fuck is staying with her?”

Both Quinn and Puck were quiet for a long moment as they realized what happened.

“I’m going to kill her,” Quinn whispered. “I am going to kill her. I can’t believe she thought she was going to get away with this.”

“Well,” Puck said. “She is on drugs right now,” he pointed out. “So she’s not thinking very clearly.”

“Ugh,” Quinn whispered, rubbing her forehead. “I hate her.”

\--

Rachel knew she was in trouble once she saw the look on Quinn’s face as she came into her room.

“Um, is everything okay?” Rachel asked hesitantly.

“Okay, look,” Quinn said. “I know you’re in a lot of pain right now, I know that it hurts to even cough or sneeze, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to lie to me.”

“What did I lie to you about?” Rachel asked softly.

“Puck isn’t staying with you when you get out of the hospital,” Quinn said quietly. “I know the truth. You lied to me.”

“Crap,” Rachel sighed, closing her eyes.

“Rachel, what the hell?” Quinn asked. “Why did you lie to me? Who is going to take care of you when you get out of the hospital? You can’t expect to be alone. What if something happens?”

“Nothing’s going to happen,” Rachel said. “I’m going to be fine.”

Rachel knew what to expect when she got out of the hospital, and the truth was, she didn’t want anyone she knew taking care of her. Her doctor had been very frank with her about her recovery, and she knew what to expect. It was going to be pretty rough and pretty grim, and Rachel was trying to prepare herself for that. But she couldn’t do that and put on a happy face for the people she loved. She just couldn’t.

Pride definitely played a huge part in all of it-- she didn’t want Quinn or Noah, or her fathers, for that matter to see her so helpless or to have to help her with the most basic of her needs. She had her dignity, after all. The thought of any of them having to help her pull up her pants or to help her go to the bathroom was too humiliating. There was no way she would allow it to happen, and there was no way she would ever admit that she needed that kind of help, at least not to them.

She didn’t want to be a burden either. Her fathers weren’t old, but they were way too old to be dealing with caretaking for an adult child. And they’d taken good care of her for all of her childhood, she couldn’t expect them to keep taking care of her. Noah didn’t have the patience for it. And it would be way too humiliating to have him help her, and she didn’t want Noah to uproot his life to help her any more than she wanted Quinn to uproot hers. Quinn didn’t have the time, no matter what Quinn said.

There was no way she was going to allow Quinn to uproot her life just to take care of her. It was one thing if Quinn wanted her to move back to Lima so they could be together, or if Quinn wanted to move to New York with the kids for her own reasons. But there was no way Quinn was going to muck her life around just so she could take care of her. Rachel simply could not allow that. Quinn had already given up so many of her own dreams due to the circumstances of her life, Rachel wasn’t going to force taking care of her on Quinn, too.

“Rachel, please just let me take care of you,” Quinn pleaded, stroking Rachel’s hair. “You can’t do this on your own, you have to be realistic. I’m not saying I’m a professional or anything. Obviously, I’m not. But you need someone to help you, and I want to help you. Just let me take care of you.”

“I can’t,” Rachel whispered. Already she felt so violently exposed and vulnerable. She couldn’t depend on Quinn to fulfill her basic needs. Rachel didn’t think she could ever look Quinn in the eyes if Quinn had to take care of her like she was some helpless baby or something. It was too much..

“I want to,” Quinn said quietly. “I love you,” Quinn murmured. “This is part of the package.

As far as Quinn was concerned, this was one of the most basic things she could do for Rachel. What kind of person would abandon the person she loved when that person was hurt and needed help? How did Rachel just expect her to walk away?

“I can’t,” Rachel whispered again. “You don’t even know what you’re getting into. It’s too much. I can’t expect you to do it.”

“I told you, I want to.”

Rachel’s eyes lowered. “I don’t want you to,” Rachel said, her voice becoming rough with emotion. “Don’t you get how humiliating this has been for me? Or how much more humiliating it’s going to get if you stay with me, or if I stay with you?” Tears came to Rachel’s eyes and she jerked her head away when Quinn tried to reach out to wipe them away. The motion jarred her entire body and she suppressed a low moan of pain. “Just leave me alone,” Rachel groaned. “Or is this how you’ve always wanted to see me? Because you’ve always wanted to feel superior, like you were just slumming being around me?” she demanded, her voice becoming increasingly vicious and strained with pain.

Quinn jerked back in shock. She stared at Rachel whose face was draining of color. Rachel was starting to sweat and she was sucking in deep breaths. It was clear Rachel was in pain and Rachel was starting to cry copiously.

“I hope you didn’t mean that,” Quinn said quietly. “But we’ll talk about it later. Just…just stay calm, okay? I know it hurts. I’m going to see if I can get the nurse to give you your pain meds.”

Rachel gritted her teeth. “Don’t bother them. I just got a dose, so they won’t. But you should still leave.”

“Okay,” Quinn said softly. “But I’m coming back.”

\--

Quinn returned a few hours later, and Rachel seemed more calm and relaxed.

“Hi,” Quinn said quietly, slipping in and taking a seat. “Are you feeling better?”

Rachel gave her a small smile. “I’m sorry about earlier. Everything was just starting to hurt and I took it out on you. I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay,” Quinn said softly. She swallowed hard. “Do you really not want me to take care of you? Or were you just--”

“I can’t let you do it.,” Rachel interrupted. “It really would be humiliating for me, Quinn. And just having you being here and seeing everything going on has been humiliating enough.”

“I don’t think there’s any reason for you to feel that way,” Quinn said softly.

“But I do,” Rachel said quietly. “It…it really feels good that you’re here, and that you’d even want to take care of me, but I don’t think you even know what you’d be signing on for. And I just…I’ll never be able to look you in the eye again, okay?”

“Okay,” Quinn said softly. She knew she had to let this one go. “But if you need anything, you call me. And I’ll come.”

“I know.”

“What did you mean, when you asked me if I was slumming it?” Quinn asked softly.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Rachel said, although her expression said otherwise. “I think I was just talking out my ass. Everything was hurting, and I don’t even remember what I was saying. But I’m sorry for whatever it was I said. I didn’t mean any of it. You know how I get when I talk out of my ass.”

Quinn knew Rachel was lying-- Rachel was still an awful liar. But she chose to let it go.

“Okay,” Quinn said quietly. “Whatever you want, Rach.”

Rachel was released from the hospital after a two week stay, Puck went back to Miami and Quinn returned to Lima and the kids. Life went on. She talked to Rachel on a daily basis and Rachel sounded like she was doing okay.

For Rachel, the recovery was brutal. It was singularly the most painful physical experience she’d ever had. Going to the bathroom, trying to sit up, trying to move, trying to do anything was an agonizing experience. She was constipated from the medication, she felt perennially dirty and greasy, she couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t do anything. She had a home health nurse come in a few times a week to help her, and she started physical therapy. She definitely lost all sense of her dignity and that was because she was being taken care of by a person whose job it was to take care of her. Rachel had no regrets about not letting Quinn take care of her, and she didn’t think she ever would.


	15. Chapter 15

Year: 2021

Quinn watched as Todd jumped into Rachel’s lap and winced a little in sympathy when she saw Rachel wince. It was raining outside, and although Rachel had healed nicely from her injuries one year before, she tended to ache when it rained. Rachel laughingly admitted that it was kind of cliché, and then wondered out loud why Quinn supposed that old injuries seemed to hurt when it rained. Rachel seemed dismissive and said it was no big deal, but when they woke up that morning, Rachel was stiff and disinclined to move, and when she finally did, it seemed to hurt. She’d moved slowly all day and it seemed difficult for her. But then Rachel would play with the kids, rough housing with the boys and laughing hysterically with Janie, and she would seem fine, so Quinn really had no idea how Rachel actually felt. But she did think it wasn’t a good idea for her kids to just jump on Rachel, no matter how small they were.

“Todd!” Quinn snapped, much more harshly at her four year old son than she intended, She was immediately contrite when she saw the stunned way both Todd and Rachel looked at her. “Todd,” she said, deliberately making her voice gentler. “I told you, you need to be careful. Your aunt Rachel got hurt last year, and you can’t just jump on her anymore, okay? Do you want to hurt Rachel?”

Todd’s cheeks flushed. “No,” he said, scrambling away from Rachel. “I’m sorry,” he apologized.

Rachel reached for him and pulled him into her lap. “It’s okay,” she said, hugging him close to her. She glared at Quinn. “You didn’t hurt me, sweetheart,” she told Todd as she petted his hair. “You can always jump on me, no matter how big you get.”

That seemed to cheer him up. “Even if I get bigger than you?”

“Even if you get bigger than me,” Rachel confirmed.

“Mom says it won’t be long now.” Todd cackled with laughter. “Like, any day now!”

“Oh, she did, did she?” Rachel said, tickling Todd’s ribs. “Well, we’ll see!”

Todd squealed and jumped off the couch. He faced Rachel, making a superhero pose, his upper arm and forearm forming a triangle when he placed his fists on his hips.

Rachel laughed and swatted at Todd with a pillow. “Bring your Batman book, we can read it together.”

“Okay!” Todd exclaimed cheerfully. He ran out of the room.

Once he was gone, Rachel glared at Quinn again.

“Quinn, I am not an invalid, how could you yell at him like that?”

Quinn scowled. “You aren’t his mother, I am, okay? So butt out.”

“Well, don’t yell at him because of me, okay? If I don’t want him to jump on me, I’ll tell him not to.”

“Oh, yeah, right,” Quinn scoffed. “This coming from the woman who tried to prove to Janie that she was okay by putting my 11 year old kid in her lap while she was still confined to a wheelchair and tried to roll around the block?”

“It was just my apartment, not the block!” Rachel exclaimed in outrage.

“Still!”

When Quinn returned to Lima last year, she’d needed to take Jane to see Rachel a few weeks later, because Janie seemed to be under the impression that Rachel had actually died from her injuries and everyone else was just keeping it from her. Nothing seemed to convince her, even talking to Rachel on the phone. This happened because another actress died from falling while doing a stunt on a movie set in a way that was very similar to the way Rachel fell, and people got the two stories confused. So there actually were rumors that Rachel had died. Rachel, being Rachel, overdid it by trying to prove she was in tiptop shape, despite being confined to a wheelchair, pulled Janie into her lap and rolled her through her apartment. The action had its intended effect on cheering Janie up, but it also had the unintended side effect of actually hurting Rachel a little more.

“Oh, it was just that one time!”

“You mean how it was just that one time you fell off a building?”

“It was a prop tower!”

“Whatever!”

“I’m not trying to tell you how to parent, Quinn,” Rachel said. “I’d never do that. You’re a great mom, and I’d be an awful one. That’s why you’re the one with kids and I’m the one who makes charitable contributions to Planned Parenthood. But don’t yell at the kids on my behalf. Ever.”

“Rachel, he shouldn’t have jumped on you, and that’s that, okay? Maybe you don’t care about your health, but I do. And if he does it again, I’m going to remind him again.”

“Just…I just…I don’t want to be the reason why he feels bad, okay?”

“Well, you’re not. I am,” Quinn said. “And sometimes I have to yell at my kids, all right?”

“Okay,” Rachel said softly, backing off.

Quinn did feel bad for yelling at Todd. He was very sensitive, much more than she could recall Jane being when Jane was his age. But she’d seen the way Rachel winced when Todd jumped on her and she felt bad about that, too. She always felt like a terrible person and a terrible mother when it came to Todd, because he’d been such a sweet baby, and he was such a sweet boy, and there were times when she just didn’t feel like she was nice enough to adequately parent him. She needed to be more sensitive to him, and gentler, but she was accustomed to Jane, who was a lot like Puck-- thick-skinned.

When Jane was Todd’s age, Quinn could have yelled at Jane for drawing on the wall, and Jane would look almost…well, amused in this really mischievous way. Jane wouldn’t do it again, but being yelled at just seemed to roll off her. When Quinn yelled at Todd for trying to cross the street (which he absolutely did not have permission to do, and in fact, did not even have permission to be outside the house), he gave her the most crestfallen look ever, and he was apologetic for the rest of the day. He tried to get her attention and he was extra good, as if he were trying to prove to himself that she still loved him despite the way she yelled at him. She really hadn’t even been mad, she’d mainly just yelled at him to get his attention.

She felt like she was constantly misstepping with Todd. But Todd adored Rachel, and Rachel and Todd always seemed to have a special bond. Rachel just seemed to know how to talk to him, and Quinn had to admit, she was jealous that it seemed so easy for Rachel. Rachel could tell Todd not to do something and not have it sound harsh.

Quinn sighed and took a seat next to Rachel. She absently reached out and began to rub a spot on Rachel’s upper thigh that tended to bother Rachel. She’d seen Rachel rubbing at that spot all day, so she knew it was bothering her.

“I can’t believe it’s been a year,” Quinn remarked. “One year ago when you scared the crap out of me.”

Rachel didn’t talk much about her recovery or the physical therapy, but Quinn knew she could stop worrying when Rachel’s voice stopped being constantly tinged with pain. Sometimes, Quinn thought it was better she didn’t know the details, because she’d done enough research on the topic to know that it was pretty gory and at least she could pretend that Rachel was one of the luckier ones, that Rachel didn’t have to endure what other people had endured. If she’d actually had to see it or if Rachel had allowed her to be privy to all the details, Quinn wasn’t sure she could handle it, at least in the sense that it wouldn’t have completely broken her to see Rachel in pain. She still wished Rachel had just allowed herself to be taken care of, but at least this way, Quinn could pretend that Rachel didn’t have such a hard time after all. It was the lie Quinn had to tell herself to keep herself from forcibly dragging Rachel back to Lima to make sure Rachel was making a good recovery. Rachel still had a long way to go before she could be considered one hundred percent, but she was already working again, and more importantly, at the moment, they were together and Rachel seemed okay.

“Well,” Rachel said. “You’re pretty much over it by now, right?” she asked her voice light. She grinned beatifically at Quinn.

Quinn pursed her lips. “No, not really,” she said, poking her index finger into Rachel’s shoulder. “But since it’s Christmas time and all, I guess I should be more forgiving.”

Rachel grinned. “I’m happy we can reconcile this difference of opinion.”

“Don’t push it.”

Rachel sighed. “Sorry,” she said with a grin.

That particular point seemed to be really raw between them, even now, and Rachel wasn’t exactly sure why. But she wanted to diffuse the situation before it got weird, awkward or hostile.

Todd returned to the living room and Rachel scooted away from Quinn to make room for him and held out her arms. Todd very cautiously climbed into the space between Rachel and Quinn. Quinn wrapped one arm around Todd and held him close. “Hello, baby,” she said, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “What book did you bring?”

“I couldn’t find the Batman book,” he explained. “But I found Goodnight Moon. I like it when you do the voices.”

He was speaking to both of them, since it was not the first time they’d read the book to him, and always they used silly voices to make him laugh.

Quinn and Rachel began to read the book together, and then Logan walked into the room from his nap, and even though he was only two years old, he knew that they weren’t at the beginning, and so they had to start over. Logan used Rachel’s legs to crawl onto the couch, and Quinn picked him up and put him in her lap. She wondered why the hell all her kids seemed to use Rachel as a human ladder, particularly when Rachel, as a human being, was pretty low to the ground, and therefore not all that useful as a human ladder. Jane had been the same way when she was little, and it was really only within the last year that Jane stopped jumping on Rachel every time she saw her. This year, when Rachel showed up at the house, Jane had been very cautious to hug her and was definitely more careful than she usually was in being affectionate with Rachel.

When Rachel was away from her, this was the sort of thing Quinn missed most. Quinn couldn’t believe she hadn’t found herself a boyfriend, or even a girlfriend, or just gotten married by now. She was damn near thirty, and still pining after a girl she’d broken up with when she was eighteen. They hadn’t been in a real relationship in ten years, and yet, here she was, playing house with Rachel during one of Rachel’s brief little holiday pit stops home.

After all these years, Quinn still found herself pining for-- aching for Rachel. And the girl she pined after seemed to have no interest in being part of a family. Rachel’s life was career-driven, and Rachel seemed content with that. When Rachel was gone, it wasn’t so much the kissing and the sex Quinn missed, although she definitely missed that. She missed these moments when she could believe they were a real family. Sex was replaceable-- she could…well, always help herself out or just go out to dinner a few times with someone and then have sex with that person so she wouldn’t feel like such a ho. And she’d definitely done that over the years. A lot.

But she hadn’t found anyone who seemed to love her kids the way Rachel loved her kids, or who was tender and sweet to them. With Rachel, Quinn was comfortable leaving her kids alone with her, and for reasons that went beyond child safety. The kids were comfortable with Rachel and Rachel just seemed comfortable entertaining the kids on her own. Not a lot of people who didn’t have kids of their own were comfortable entertaining kids by themselves. But Rachel was, at least, with Quinn’s children. Despite the fact Rachel clearly adored Sandy Chang-Abrams, Rachel also seemed vaguely terrified by having to deal with Tina and Artie’s daughter on her own. And Sandy was a pretty mellow kid.

Quinn knew it would be easy enough to find someone to have sex with, but it would not be easy to find someone who was going to read to her kids with her and do silly voices without being told or cajoled. So far, she hadn’t.

Sometimes, she just wanted to be blunt and ask Rachel what the fuck they’ve been doing for the past ten years, and exactly what they were to each other. Were they in love? Or was she just convenient, someone who Rachel could always come back to, when she was tired of the cesspool of casual dating? They talked about it once, years ago, on Quinn’s 25th birthday. It was the last time Quinn could recall Rachel being sincere and open about a desire to be with her. Really be with her, like, as a family. That time, when Rachel asked, it wasn’t just an invitation to come live with her, because Quinn wasn’t sure what Rachel was really offering when Rachel asked that-- a place to live and a warm bed? Rachel was really asking what were they doing, why couldn’t they be together in a more permanent way, and Quinn really couldn’t remember what the hell she said, other than that their lives were just really different and she didn’t think it would work.

Every time Rachel left, or she had to leave Rachel, it just got harder. When Rachel left, Quinn still continued to make coffee for two in the morning, and it always took a few days for Quinn to consciously remember to stop. And it always took a couple weeks before she could occupy the middle of her bed again.

But she couldn’t bring herself to ask what they were doing. She was afraid of the answer, and she didn’t want to lose what little of Rachel she had. It wasn’t a good arrangement, but it was the best they had.

Rachel left again after Christmas, and there are tight hugs and kisses and promises to call and to see each other again soon. Every time they did that, it always felt like maybe it would be the last time, that one of them would finally get tired of it, and it was really more of a ‘good-bye.’ But inevitably, there always was a next time.

Quinn was not sure how much longer she could do it. But she didn’t think she could be the one to stop it, either. Every time they did it, kissed one another and made the same promise of “I love you, see you soon”, Quinn felt how dismal her prospects were. When she was little and dreamed about love, about marriage and family, a big house full of laughter with a big picket fence, she did not dream about being in love with a girl she only saw a few times a year, who left her time and time again. She did not dream of being in love with one person, who was so far away, and stayed far away. So she bided her time by occasionally dating people who were poor substitutes. She didn’t know how much longer she could do it.

\--

On New Years’ Eve that year, Mrs. Hudson asked to take the kids for the night, saying she missed them and wanted to see them for a while. Quinn suspected it was just so she could go out for the evening, but she was grateful Mrs. Hudson loved Janie and Logan as much she loved Todd. She was grateful Mrs. Hudson was kinder to her than her own mother was and how blood never seemed to matter to Mrs. Hudson.

Artie and Tina were hosting a party at their house, and Quinn did want to go, so it was nice that Mrs. Hudson offered. But she’d been busy earlier in the day, and she couldn’t go to it with empty hands. After she dropped the kids off with Finn’s mom, Quinn stopped by the market to pick up a couple bottles of wine.

“Tina, it’s me,” Quinn greeted, talking on her phone as she entered the grocery store. “Do you need me to bring anything? I was going to get a couple bottles of wine. Beer? Soda? Food?”

“Just yourself,” Tina said cheerfully. “We’ve got plenty of everything. Drive carefully though, you know how everyone around here drives like an asshole on New Years.”

“See you soon,” Quinn said. She walked to the wine aisle and picked up a couple bottles of wine, and then decided she better get some ice, too. Parties always seemed to run out of ice. Quinn walked back to the front of the store to grab a shopping basket. She took one and dumped her two bottles of wine inside the basket and then paused as she saw a familiar-looking woman enter the store.

Quinn stared for a moment, but the woman didn’t seem to recognize her. It’d been a long time since they last saw each other, and even then, they’d only met once.

Amy, Rachel’s birth mother.

Quinn remembered vaguely Rachel told her Amy still had family in Lima, but this was the first time since she was 17 that she ever saw Amy. She tracked Amy for a while, following her through the aisles.

Quinn felt old anger and resentment bubble up. Quinn approached the other woman slowly, eyeing her to make sure she was right.

“Are you Amy?” Quinn asked.

The other woman looked at her. “Do I know you?”

That was confirmation enough.

“You should have just left Rachel alone,” Quinn said. “You didn’t care about being her mother until she was eight, and then you just kept coming for her. You should have just left her alone. You were just a surrogate, and it was really selfish of you to try and force her to think of you as a mother.”

“Rachel would have been better off with me.” Amy said calmly. “I was trying to save my child.”

“Rachel doesn’t need saving! Not from you. She would have been better off without you. You couldn’t have just left her alone? If you felt regret about Rachel’s dads being gay, you couldn’t have just backed off and forgotten about her? You had to keep coming for her when you had no legal right.”

“God’s law is a higher law, young lady. Paul and Alexander asked for my help during a time that I was very vulnerable. I should have never helped them. And not a day has gone by where I haven’t regretted it. I was trying to correct a mistake.”

“Rachel is not a mistake.”

“I never said she was the mistake. I said it was a mistake to agree to be their surrogate. If Rachel has not been able to make that distinction, that is her own issue.”

“You made her want you,” Quinn accused. “She was a little kid, and you made her want a mother. You sought her out. And you wouldn’t stop. Even when she told you she didn’t want to see her anymore, you kept coming back, trying to talk to her at school and asking her to dinner. You made her want a mother, you made her want you. You made her want your approval, and you would never give it to her!”

“Well, perhaps if Paul and Alex were sufficient parents, she wouldn’t have wanted a mother so badly. I offered her a mother, but she knew under what conditions we could foster that relationship and she declined. I was trying to save my daughter’s soul, and she refused. I haven’t seen her in years, so I don’t know why you feel the need to bring this up with me now.”

Quinn looked at her in disgust. “You should have left her alone,” she said. “She wouldn’t have wanted a mom if you didn’t seek her out. You sought her out. You screwed her up. You don’t even know what kind of damage you did.”

“Rachel was already screwed up,” Amy said calmly. “I tried to repair it when she lived with me, but she refused to be taught or corrected. We therefore could not continue our relationship.”

Quinn sneered at her. “It’s your loss, not hers,” she said. “She is so much happier without you in her life.”

Amy smiled superciliously. “Then why is she still the one sending us Christmas cards?”

Quinn wanted to scream. “Rachel,” Quinn said lowly, “is the perfect example of nurture over nature.”

How Rachel could have come from someone so vile was a miracle.

“I am in agreement.”

In that moment, Quinn understood how this woman could make a teenaged girl, desperate for someone’s approval feel so completely unlovable. She didn’t even know what to say or do, and she was an adult. She didn’t know how she would have dealt with Amy when she was a teenager, and she understood now why Rachel had never been able to talk about what it was like to live with her mother for that summer, and why, even years later, Rachel refused to talk about it, even when the subject was brought up.

Quinn just shook her head and walked away. She was glad Amy wasn’t in touch with Rachel, because at least that way, Rachel wouldn’t find out this conversation.

It was not a good way to start the New Year.

\--

Year: 2022/2023

When Rachel was offered the role in Wicked for its six-month LA leg of the US tour, she could not refuse. It was one of her dream roles, and granted, she would have loved to have performed on Broadway, in New York City, but performing in Los Angeles at the Pantages was a very close second. She didn’t even think about it, she just sublet her apartment to an actress acquaintance of hers who happened to be from LA but was shooting a TV series in New York and they swapped apartments.

A few of the Gleeks ended up in LA, which should have been no surprise to anyone, and Rachel liked reconnecting with them.

Her stay in LA happened to run concurrent with Brittany’s 30th birthday party, and despite the fact she was tired from rehearsals and doing two shows per night, she couldn’t refuse Brittany. Refusing Brittany something that was as easy as just showing up just felt selfish and mean. Rachel can’t bring herself to be anything but nice to Brittany, who was still impossibly sweet and good-natured.

Rachel spent the day of Brittany’s 30th birthday party getting manicures and pedicures with Brittany, Santana, and Kurt and generally hanging out. Santana still lived in Northern California, in Berkeley, but since Brittany moved to Los Angeles a few years ago to pursue her career in dance, Santana made regular appearances in LA. Santana would never miss Brittany’s 30th birthday.

It was a rainy January day, and Rachel was miserable from the move and because the lower half of her body felt a dull ache. She had a bad break a few years ago, and even though she’d fully recovered with extensive physical therapy, her pelvis and her legs hurt when it rained. It wasn’t all the time, but she’d woken up that morning feel stiff and achy and she had to grit her teeth when she sat up. She could usually just tough it out, so she did. But that morning, her body ached particularly badly.

She met Brittany, Santana, Kurt and Finn for a late breakfast in West Hollywood and then Finn excused himself when the others decided they would get manicures and pedicures at Brittany’s regular place in Hollywood.

It was a relatively small salon, one of those stereotyped ones run by a Vietnamese woman who seemed to adore Brittany. It was bare bones-- cheap and fairly quick, not one of those fancy ones a person got a free mimosa and then dipped their feet into water infused with orange slices or something. It was a very basic spa manicure and pedicure and Kurt looked at though he wanted to interject, but didn’t.

The woman Rachel was linked with turned on the massager on the chair and Rachel tried desperately to turn it off, because it was doing more harm than good. Brittany, who was sitting next to Rachel, gently grabbed the controller out of Rachel’s hands and pushed the off button as hard as she could.

“That one sticks sometimes,” Brittany said, giving Rachel a sweet smile. “I hate sitting in that seat. Do you want to trade?”

Rachel shook her head. “No, no, of course not,” she assured. “It’s fine.” She grinned at Brittany.

Brittany looked concerned. “Are your legs hurting? I know it hurts when it rains. You were walking kind of funny earlier.”

Rachel chuckled and waved away Brittany’s concern. “It’s totally fine,” she assured.

“You sure?” Brittany looked uncertain.

“Positive.”

After that, Rachel made an effort to put her best face forward, because it was Brittany’s 30th birthday, and Brittany deserved just to be happy on her 30th birthday and not worry about one of her wretched friends.

Brittany’s phone rang while one of the ladies worked on her feet, but before anyone could get started on her hands. “It’s Quinn!” Brittany exclaimed happily. Brittany answered immediately.

“Hi, Quinn!”

“Hey,” Quinn said, before she launched into a rendition of ‘Happy Birthday.’

Brittany giggled. “Thank-you. I’m with Rachel, Santana and Kurt. Hold on a minute.” Brittany held up her phone and addressed her friends. “Say hi to Quinn.”

Dutifully, Rachel, Santana and Kurt chorused in unison. “Hi Quinn!”

Brittany put her phone back to her ear, giggling. “Hi again.”

Quinn chuckled. “Hi. Are you having a good birthday?”

“So far,” Brittany said. “I wish you could have come!”

“Me too,” Quinn said softly. “Maybe next time you have a birthday,” she said softly.

“I’ll visit you on yours,” Brittany promised.

When it was Quinn’s 30th birthday four months later, Brittany does, in fact, accompany Rachel to visit Quinn to celebrate this milestone birthday, just as Brittany promised. It was during this visit, Quinn simultaneously realized how much she missed both Brittany and Rachel and realized how jealous she was of Brittany for being around Rachel more.

“What’re you guys doing right now?” Quinn asked.

“Manicures and pedicures,” Brittany said. “We just had breakfast. I had a pancake the size of my plate,” she informed Quinn. “It was really huge and really good.”

Quinn wasn’t sure what to say to that, so she said, “oh, good!”

Brittany turned to give Rachel a sly smile. “Rachel got an egg white omelet with mushrooms, so she stole some of the bacon off my plate because she’s pretending to be kosher this week.”

Rachel’s mouth dropped open in mock outrage, and Santana started to laugh.

“I did not steal the bacon of your plate,” Rachel said defensively. “I didn’t! I…swiped one,” Rachel said, giggling.

Quinn and Brittany both laughed.

Quinn laughed. “I heard that,” she said. “Tell Rachel she can give it whatever cutesy name she wants, you know, ‘swiping,’ ‘pilfering’ or ‘pinching,’ but it’s still stealing and tell her to stop stealing!”

Quinn and Brittany chatted for a little longer and then Brittany passed her phone to Rachel so that Quinn and Rachel could chat for a little bit.

“Hey,” Rachel said.

“Hey,” Quinn said. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Rachel said. “Wish you were here.”

“Me too,” Quinn sighed. “I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Aw,” Rachel said, her voice lowering slightly for privacy. “That’s sweet.”

“Call me later when you have some privacy?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Okay,” Quinn said with a soft sigh. “Are you feeling okay? I checked the weather report for LA this morning and it’s raining out there. I know how your legs get when it rains.”

“They’re fine,” Rachel said. She didn’t want Quinn to worry.

“Good,” Quinn said, sounding relieved. “Talk to you later?”

“Talk to you later,” Rachel confirmed.

They finished their manicures and pedicures and Brittany reminded all the salon ladies as she left that they were all invited to her party. After their manicures and pedicures, they decided on seeing a movie. Finn met up with them again for the movie. For the movie, Rachel sat as far from Santana and Brittany as she could, because while she loved Brittany and liked Santana, she’d seen movies with them before and knew they were talkers. She sat next to Finn, who only made the occasional comment that was more or less germane to the movie.

They ate lunch together after the movie, and then Finn went home, but promised he would join up later, at the bar to celebrate Brittany’s birthday with the rest of them. Rachel, Santana, Kurt and Brittany returned to Brittany’s apartment, and spent the rest of the day getting ready to go out for the evening. Kurt only nixed one of Rachel’s outfits before he approved of her second choice, and Rachel had to admit, it was nice to get his approval.

\--

Rachel needed to get away from the party for a little while. Brittany rented out an entire bar for the night, and at first, Rachel thought that was a little extreme, until she saw that practically every person Brittany had ever known appeared to celebrate her 30th birthday, since it was a milestone and all. The only former Glee kids who couldn’t make it out to LA to celebrate were Quinn, because she had the kids and Artie and Tina, because Tina was pregnant again and couldn’t fly. Brittany was well-liked, and well-loved, and the bar was extremely crowded and noisy. Despite the fact it’d rained continuously all day, there was a huge turn-out for Brittany’s birthday, and the blonde was clearly giddy and happy.

It was a rare downpour in LA. Rachel was under the impression it never rained this way in Los Angeles. Usually, it just rained for a few minutes periodically through the day, but that particular day, it never seemed to stop raining and her legs never stopped feeling that dull ache. It wasn’t so bad, really, it was definitely something she could just smile through, but the fact that it’d been with her the entire day was hard. It usually didn’t hurt all day like that.

Rachel walked to the bathroom and sprawled on one of the couches they had inside. She closed her eyes and rubbed the side of her right upper thigh, just below her hips. She was there for a few minutes and then she heard Brittany.

“Rach?” Brittany said worriedly. “There you are. Have you been here this whole time?”

Rachel opened her eyes and smiled at Brittany. “Hey you.” She sat up so she could make room for Brittany, who sat down on her left.

“Your legs are still hurting?” Brittany asked concerned.

Rachel shrugged. “Don’t worry about it.”

Brittany reached out and began massaging the side of Rachel’s left upper thigh, mirroring where Rachel was rubbing her right side. “I saw you talking to Finn at the bar earlier, and then you walked away. You were still walking kind of funny,” Brittany said. “Are you sure you’re going to be able to go on stage tomorrow?”

Rachel chuckled. “Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. It usually just lasts one day. And it doesn’t really hurt. It’s more…” Rachel searched for an appropriate descriptor. “Uncomfortable.”

“Thanks for hanging out with us all day,” Brittany said softly. “I know you were kind of grumpy.”

Rachel grinned at her. “It’s your birthday, Brit. Of course I’d hang out.” Rachel sighed softly. “I feel better,” she said, gently stilling Brittany’s hands. “Thanks.”

“It must be hard when it rains in New York,” Brittany commented. “It rains a lot more than it does here. It snows, too.”

Rachel shrugged. “You get used to it.”

“You should move here,” Brittany grinned. “It’s warmer, so you won’t hurt as much, and it would be nice to have a friend here.”

Rachel laughed. “Brittany, you have, like, hundreds of friends. Nearly all of them are here. Everyone loves you.”

“Yeah, but there are different kinds of friends,” Brittany pointed out. “We have been friends for a long time.”

“Since high school,” Rachel agreed.

“I kind of had a crush on you in high school,” Brittany reminisced. “But Santana got jealous when I told her, and I think Quinn would have, like, tried to cut me if I’d said anything to you.”

Rachel laughed. “You did?” she asked, pleased. “I wish you’d said something.”

Brittany grinned at her. “Why? Do you think we would have made out?” she teased.

Rachel blushed. “Brittany!”

Brittany laughed. “Quinn would have been mad though.”

Rachel shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t think Quinn would have cared,” she said, only then noticing that Brittany was mentioning Quinn a lot.

Brittany looked at her very frankly. “I think Quinn would have been very mad if I told you I had a tiny crush on you. I mean, because you were dating and all.”

Rachel’s eyes widened. “What are you talking about? We weren’t…I mean…”

“Well,” Brittany said. “Weren’t all those songs you guys were picking to sing for each other? I just thought she was trying to make it up to you after she Slushied you. And you guys were always together, and you were the one to make sure Quinn and Janie always had a ride.” Brittany shrugged. “I just though you guys were dating.”

Rachel was stunned. “Um…” She had no idea what to say.

Brittany laughed. “Rach, it’s okay. We all knew.”

Rachel’s eyes were huge. There was no way they all knew, right? No one said anything, and everyone still acted like they never knew.

“Everyone knew?” Rachel repeated faintly.

“Well, Santana and I knew,” Brittany said. “I don’t know about anyone else. But we knew.”

“You guys never said anything,” Rachel said quietly.

“Santana didn’t want to call attention to us,” Brittany said frankly.

That gave Rachel pause. It all connected for her in that moment. Santana and Brittany. Of course. Of course. Okay, so maybe there was something ironic about show choir after all. Jesus. Of course. Rachel must have been blind to have not noticed Santana and Brittany, but she’d sort of been absorbed in her own girl drama at the time.

“Santana really loves you,” Rachel remarked softly. She knew it was true, she’d seen the tender, sweet way Santana treated Brittany, which was very different from the way Santana treated basically everyone else on the entire planet. Santana was always patient with Brittany and good to her. Santana treated Brittany better than she treated… well again, practically everyone else on the entire planet.

“Santana doesn’t want to be with me,” Brittany noted. She didn’t seem sad or upset about it, just like she was speaking the truth. “Because she doesn’t want to be gay.” She paused. “I don’t think she thinks I’m smart enough, either.” Again, Brittany didn’t seem sad or upset or even angry, just very matter-of-fact and accepting. “She always needs to explain things to me, and I think she gets tired of it.”

“Brittany,” Rachel said softly, because she honestly had no idea what to say.

“We should go back,” Brittany said, “people will start looking for us.”

Rachel had to smile at that, because she didn’t think anyone was going to look for her, but she knew people were looking for Brittany. It was sweet of Brittany to include her though.

“Are you okay?” Brittany asked, once they’d both stood up.

“Great,” Rachel assured. She stood on tiptoe, because she had to wear flat shoes and Brittany was wearing four inch heels, which made their height difference pretty vast. She pressed a quick peck to Brittany’s lips. “Santana Lopez is an idiot,” she said softly. “You’re the best.”

Brittany laughed. “Quinn is an idiot, too,” she said.

Rachel didn’t know the exact circumstances of Brittany and Santana’s situation, just like Brittany didn’t know the exact circumstances of her relationship with Quinn. But she chuckled affectionately. “So you and I have a lot in common, we both love idiots.”

Brittany looked thoughtful. “Well, I think most people think I’m the idiot.”

Okay, so Brittany still wasn’t exactly known for her intelligence, but she wasn’t an idiot. She was smart in her own way, and she was way smarter than she pretended to be. Brittany always seemed content to play the role of dumb blonde, but she wasn’t dumb. Brittany was sweet, and nice, down to her bare-bones. Brittany had always been the kind of friend who was a better friend to others than other people were to her, because Brittany never hesitated to help someone, or questioned when someone wanted something from her. Brittany just gave her help willingly, and sometimes that had gotten her in trouble, but for the most part, it just earned her the reputation as a really good friend. But she wasn’t the type to foist her problems on other people.

“Most people are wrong.”

Brittany smiled. “You were always nice to me,” she remarked. She kissed Rachel, just a quick pressing of their lips. She wrapped her arms around Rachel in a tight hug. “Thanks for coming today,” she said.

“So this is where you two disappeared to.”

Rachel and Brittany pulled apart to see Santana standing in the bathroom.

“You found me,” Brittany said happily, practically skipping to Santana and throwing her arms around the other woman.

Santana pulled Brittany close. “Yes, I found you,” she said. She held Brittany for a moment and then she gently pulled away. She looked at Rachel suspiciously, but it was only for a fleeting second. There was definitely jealousy there. “What were you guys talking about?”

“Rachel’s legs hurt,” Brittany explained.

Santana’s eyes softened. “Still?” she asked, looking at Rachel. “You’ve been sort of stiff all day.”

“I’m okay,” Rachel said. “Seriously. I’m fine.”

“Come on,” Santana said. “Let’s go back.”

Brittany bounced to where Rachel was still standing and linked arms with her. “Come on,” she said, half-pulling Rachel along. Brittany then linked arms with Santana. “I’m so glad I found Rachel, and then you found me,” Brittany declared to Santana, clearly pleased.

“Yeah, me too.” Santana and Rachel said together. They looked at one another, glanced at Brittany and shared a smile.

\--

Sophie Mitchell was the Glinda to her Elphaba, and they’d become close over the months they had to work together. Sophie was a temporary transplant from the East Coast as well, and though Rachel had worked with Sophie a few times in the past, they’d never become particularly close. But having to leave New York City and spending so much time together in Los Angeles in roles that notoriously built camaraderie between its actresses, she and Sophie naturally became very close.

When Christina, the actress whom Rachel swapped apartments with, was forced to move back to LA because her show was canceled, Sophie offered Rachel to move into the house she was renting, because there was an extra bedroom. Rachel did because it was convenient. Rachel became very close to Sophie’s other roommate, Katie, as well and the three spent many late nights together laughing at the television and drinking wine in moderation. Brittany was a regular guest at the house and for a while, Rachel was pretty content.

One night, Katie declared that her colleague, Craig, would be perfect for Brittany, and insisted that they go on a blind date.

Rachel was hesitant, because she did not want to get involved, but Brittany seemed up for it. Somehow, she and Katie ended up coming along for Brittany and Craig’s first blind date, which struck Rachel as wildly inappropriate and completely weird. Brittany didn’t seem to think it was all that weird though, and Craig seemed nice enough, so Rachel couldn’t protest, but she did think it was kind of weird.

Brittany seemed to like Craig, and the two started to date exclusively. Rachel thought it was kind of an odd match, because Brittany was a dancer and generally pretty happy-go-lucky, and Craig was a therapist like Katie, and generally seemed a little stuffy, but it wasn’t like opposites repelled one another. Rachel didn’t think it was a good match, but Craig was nice to Brittany and Rachel really couldn’t think of a good reason why Brittany shouldn’t date Craig other than the fact that it just didn’t feel like a good match to her. Plus, Craig was Katie’s friend, and Katie was one of her roommates, and she liked Katie as a person, so she didn’t want to rock the boat, so to speak.

One night, Brittany was over at the house and somehow they got to talking about college. Sophie had gone to Julliard as well, but she’d already graduated by the time Rachel got there. Katie went to Boston College, and Brittany softly admitted she did a couple years at community college, but school had never been her strong suit. Katie was a little judgmental when it came to educational attainment. Actually, Katie was kind of a snob, and while Rachel liked her, because Rachel knew that she herself could be considered a snob, sometimes Katie got on her nerves with the way she thought her profession was so noble just because she helped people for a living.

By the end of the night, Brittany had that look on her face, that sad kicked puppy look that she got any time she felt dumb. Rachel walked Brittany outside to her car, hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek with a promise to get together for dinner the next day. Brittany looked upset, but Rachel had known Brittany long enough to know that Brittany wasn’t going to admit she was upset.

When Rachel got into the house, she was furious.

“You were mean to Brittany,” Rachel accused Katie.

“I was not mean to Brittany, I was having a conversation with her, which she had a difficult time following.”

Sophie, who sprawled on the couch with her legs draped over Katie’s lap, started to laugh. “Good one,” Sophie told Katie, laughing a little.

“You were mean to Brittany!” Rachel shouted, her arms in the air at the sheer outrage of it. “You can’t be mean to Brittany, it’s like a law of nature or something. She’s Brittany, she’s nice to everyone and everyone is nice to her.”

“I was as nice as I could possibly muster. She’s nice, Rachel. She’s actually really sweet, but she’s really lucky she’s so pretty because she’s really dim.”

“Like a really cute mutt that shits on the floor and you really want to kick it for being so breathtakingly stupid, but it’s too cute,” Sophie added. “And there’d be no point in kicking it, because it’s not like it’d learn.”

“Sophie!” Rachel exclaimed, shocked.

“Sorry,” Sophie said sheepishly. “You know I like Brit. She’s the nicest person I ever met.”

“Yeah, but she’s still the dumbest one I’ve met,” Katie joked.

Rachel glared at her. “You are not a nice person.”

By the end of the week, Rachel had moved out of the house into her own apartment. She and Sophie stayed friends, but their friendship chilled, although they each tried to be as professional as possible.

Brittany reacted with worry. “Did you guys fight over me?” she asked. “I mean, you and Sophie work together every night. She’s Glinda and you’re Elephaba and you moved out right after--”

“No,” Rachel lied, interrupting Brittany as gently as possible. “Of course not. Sophie and I are fine. We’re both very professional. But you know how it is with girls sometimes. It can be hard living with two other girls.”

“Okay,” Brittany said. “But how are you going to afford to pay rent? You’re still paying rent at your apartment in New York since that girl moved out.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Rachel said, touched that Brittany would even be thinking about it. “I have another subletter there.”

“Okay,” Brittany said with a smile. “But you could have moved in with me.”

“Santana would have anthraxed me.”

Brittany laughed, but Rachel could see that Brittany was pleased by the thought of Santana being jealous.

Rachel stopped talking to Katie, but Brittany continued to date Craig. Until, of course, they stopped dating, and Brittany didn’t seem all that upset about the break-up so much as what he said to her when he broke up with her, which was, he was just looking for someone smarter.

\--

They finished watching a Dexter marathon, and Rachel shut off her TV when she heard Brittany sniffling.

“Aw, Brittany,” Rachel said softly. “Please don’t cry. Not over a guy. He’s not worth it. None of them are.”

“It’s not that he broke up with me,” Brittany said. “It’s just that he was mean about it, and he was always so nice to me before. It’s what I liked best about him.”

“Do you want me to beat him up? Or like, put sugar in his gas tank or something?” Rachel asked. She didn’t have a lot of girlfriends, but it felt like a customary thing to ask. “Or put bologna on his car to chip away his paint?”

Brittany laughed. “No!” she said. “Rachel he’s a lot bigger than you are, and he really needs his car. This is LA.”

Rachel chuckled. “You’re not supposed to care about him,” she said. “That’s the whole point. We’re supposed to talk about the things we would do to him if we could.”

Brittany’s lower lip jutted out ever so slightly. “I’m not mad at him,” she said. “I just wish he hadn’t called me dumb. I know I’m not smart, but I don’t like it when people say I’m dumb.”

Rachel put her arm around Brittany comfortingly. “You are smart,” she consoled.

Brittany looked at Rachel. “Don’t make fun of me.”

“You are,” Rachel insisted. “You’re smart in ways other people aren’t, and you see things that other people don’t.”

“Like hallucinations?”

“Um…”

“That was a joke, Rachel.”

Rachel grinned. “You’re perceptive,” she said. “About people. And like, you’re smart because you know what people need without being told, and you know what to do when it’s really important without being asked to do it. And I don’t know, Brit, I just think that’s more important and shows how smart you are than if you’d, like, gotten your PhD in Chemistry or whatever.”

“I wasn’t perceptive enough to know my boyfriend thought I wasn’t smart enough for him,” Brittany said softly

Rachel pulled Brittany close and Brittany rested her head on Rachel’s shoulder.

“Brittany, you always see the good in people,” Rachel said. It was a quality she definitely did not share, so Rachel kind of hated herself at the moment for not realizing that Craig was a jerk. She should have said something when she realized what a jerk Katie was, because jerks tended to be friends with other jerks. At the moment, she was really tempted to beat the crap out of Doctor Craig Barnes, as though a PsyD really made you a doctor. ‘Please,’ Rachel thought, scoffing.

“He was nice to me,” Brittany said sadly. “I thought we had a pretty good relationship.”

“Well,” Rachel sighed. “A good relationship takes work, and Craig just isn’t worth the work, right?”

“Yeah,” Brittany agreed softly. She snuggled closer to Rachel and sighed deeply. “A good relationship takes work,” she repeated.

“Yeah,” Rachel said softly.

They stayed that way for a long time.

\--

A few days later, Rachel was returning to her apartment after her the night’ performance, when she heard her phone ring in her purse. She dug the phone out and saw that it was Santana calling. She thought about ignoring the call, but Santana was known for being persistent. She was like a shark-- once the shark bit you, it held on, and you were pretty much dead in the water. Santana was the shark and Rachel was like that steadily bleeding couple in Open Water.

Rachel fumbled with her key and she stepped into her apartment. Rachel took a deep breath and answered her phone.

“Hi!” she greeted brightly.

“Don’t you ‘hi’ me,” Santana snapped. “How could you let that weirdo you used to live with set Brittany up with that prick Caleb?”

“Um,” Rachel interrupted. “Actually, Caleb was the guy I dated, and that was years ago. Craig is the guy that Brittany was dating and--”

“Caleb, Calcium, Craig, Crater, whatever! The name doesn’t matter, Rachel,” Santana interrupted. “A jerk is a jerk. How could you let Brittany date a jerk?”

“He didn’t seem like a jerk,” Rachel protested weakly. She still felt awful about the situation and she didn’t want to feel worse. “He was nice to Brittany…um, until he wasn’t,” she added, wincing.

“I expected you to watch out for her while you were down there!” Santana exclaimed.

“Brit’s an adult,” Rachel said defensively, although she knew what Santana meant. Brittany had a tendency to stir up something protective in her, too. “I don’t think you give her enough credit. Brittany is a lot savvier than you think.”

“He made Brittany cry!”

“I know,” Rachel said softly.

“Well, did you at least beat him with a dog chain?” Santana demanded.

Rachel had to laugh. “No.”

Santana made a noise of frustration. “What good are you to me?!”

Rachel sighed. “Santana, if you’re going to be so angry Brittany dated someone else, maybe you should just get yourself down to LA and get your girl.”

Santana was quiet for a long time before she spoke. “I am not jealous Brittany dated someone else. I’m pissed off that some douchebag broke up with her and was mean about it!”

“Uh, I never said you were jealous. I said you were angry.”

“Fuck you, Rachel.”

Rachel sighed again. “She’s going to meet someone really nice eventually, Santana. She’s not going to be single forever.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“She’s not always going to be your girl. I’m just saying, if you’re going to get this mad every time Brittany dates someone or breaks up with them, maybe you should just get your butt down to LA and get her for yourself.”

“Listen, Berry,” Santana snapped. “Brittany and I are just friends. We are not you and Quinn. She is not my girl. We have not been doing some weird longing from afar thing like you and Quinn, so stop projecting and take your own advice!”

Rachel raised an eyebrow, although she knew Santana couldn’t see it. She chose to ignore the comment about Quinn because it frankly hit far too close to home. “So you and Brittany are just friends then?”

“Yes,” Santana said flatly.

“Good,” Rachel said, with a grin. She was teasing Santana, and she was playing a pretty dangerous game, but Rachel didn’t care.

“Good? What do you mean ‘good’?” Santana asked, her entire tone completely changing.

“I just…well, I’ve been spending a lot of time with Brittany, and I’ve been getting to know her better and I have to say, I like what I see. I’m really seeing her…differently.”

“Are you saying you’re interested in Brittany?!” Santana shouted.

“She is very good to me.”

“She’s good to everybody, that’s who she is!” Santana yelled. “She’s your friend! You can’t… you can’t, like, get interested in one of your friends, like, ten years after you met. It’s just not done!”

Despite the fact Santana was generally known for being up for or down to do anything, she really did have a sense of decorum about that sort of thing.

“She’s very pretty,” Rachel said. She covered her mouth with one hand to keep from laughing.

“Rachel Berry, if you use Brittany as some weird replacement for Quinn just because they’re both blonde, I swear to God, I will--”

“Oh, Brit’s calling,” Rachel said. “I’ll call you back.”

Brittany was, in fact, calling, and Rachel laughingly switched over. When Brittany asked her what was so funny, Rachel assured her it was nothing. Rachel chuckled as Santana tried to call her again, but this time, Rachel allowed it to go to voicemail. Less than a minute later, Brittany told Rachel she’d have to call Rachel back, because Santana was on the other line. Rachel called Quinn immediately, and they shared a laugh at Santana’s outrage.

“Wait, but you’re not really into Brittany, right?” Quinn asked sounding suddenly afraid and unsure. “You were just messing with Santana?”

“I’m completely with Santana on this one,” Rachel said. “I’ve known Brittany for years. I can’t go there. It’s just not done.”

“Well, she is really pretty,” Quinn said.

“She is,” Rachel agreed.

“Rachel!”

“What?” Rachel said defensively. “She is. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t think she’s pretty. I just… you know…” she trailed off. “Love you,” Rachel mumbled.

“Remember that,” Quinn said softly.

The next day, which was a Sunday, Santana made a mysteriously impromptu visit in Los Angeles, saying she just felt like getting out of town for a while, even if it was only for the day. Brittany was deliriously happy to see her. Santana eyed Rachel suspiciously, and never left Rachel alone with Brittany. Rachel wanted to laugh, but she wouldn’t allow herself to do it. (Within a year, Santana would leave her job as the marketing and communications director for her PR firm and move to LA, and Santana would admit, to anyone and everyone who asked, that yes, she did it for a girl.)

\--

The six month LA tour for Wicked that started in July of 2022, and was supposed to conclude in January 2023 was extended for an additional six months, and of course, Rachel stuck it out as long as it ran in Los Angeles. After all, it was kind of an honor that the show was extended because it was so popular. But eventually it moved onto a different part of the country, and Rachel said goodbye to LA. She was glad to leave, because she really did consider New York to be home, but she was sad to leave Kurt, Finn and Brittany-- particularly Brittany.

Her return to New York was just a couple weeks before her 30th birthday at the end of July. She really wasn’t planning on doing anything big. When she was younger, she thought she would do something huge for her 30th birthday, but the truth was, she wasn’t certain anyone would really care that she was turning 30. Rachel had a fear that she would organize some big party for herself, and no one would show up, and she wasn’t about to set herself up for that kind of humiliation. She had friends she could invite, but she wasn’t certain they would be that motivated to show up, so she didn’t want to reserve an entire bar like Brittany did. That sort of thing was easy for Brittany, because everyone loved her and even if they didn’t, she seemed to just know that people would show up to things like birthday parties in her honor

Rachel had never shared that belief or felt that confidence, and so consequently, she’d never bothered making an effort to organize a big birthday party for herself, at least, not when she’d had any true sense of self and a grasp on reality. She’d had an early celebration with Brittany, Finn, Kurt and some of the cast and crew from Wicked before she left LA to return to New York, but Rachel wasn’t planning on anything

Quinn was coming for her annual month-long stay through the summer, because per tradition, the kids were going to stay with Noah for two weeks in Miami and then stay with Finn for two weeks in Los Angeles, and that was enough. She just wanted something small and intimate with Quinn because that was truly important to Rachel.

When she was in high school, her only desire was just to get the fuck out of Lima, because Lima was hell for her. The life she had right now, the life she worked so hard to achieve, was her high school dream. She’d worked pretty steadily since she was an 18 year old undergraduate at Julliard-- there was always a role she was offered, either on Broadway or off Broadway. She’d released a few CDs to parlay her popularity on Broadway into some kind of financial security, and they’d done well. She took on a movie role here and there (none of them were as disastrous as her first movie role, but at least she had a funny story to tell when she went on auditions). She did get photographed pretty regularly, but it wasn’t like she was famous the way Tom Cruise was famous. She really wasn’t even famous in a movie-of-the-week actress sort of way. She had a very specific kind of fame and had a very specific sort of popularity, but she was okay with that, because she was doing something she loved.

But you could take the girl out of Ohio, but you really couldn’t take Ohio out of the girl. Rachel knew herself well enough to know that other than a few cosmetic changes-- a better wardrobe, an expensive haircut, biweekly manicures and pedicures and weekly facials, she was still the same girl she always was.

She wasn’t the girl who had a roster of friends she could call when she was bored on a Saturday night, or was hungry on a Sunday night. She got invited to things, sure. There was always a party or an event or something, and sometimes, she even went. But even friends with whom she was technically kind of “close,” she never felt like she could necessarily call them if she really needed them. In New York, she didn’t feel like she had friends of the “I need an abortion, so could you drive me to my doctor’s?” or the “I woke in the middle of the night, and can’t back to sleep so I’m calling you because I know you won’t yell at me for calling you” variety. She had friends she could invite out, of course. She had friends she could call and say “Hey, I just scored some free tickets to Fashion Week, want to go with me?” or the “I’m getting a comped meal from Alain Ducasse, want to go?” and generally speaking, the answer was yet.

But Rachel had never been sure, not completely sure, not once in her entire life, if someone like her for her, or if they liked her for her talent or for the things she could do for them, or for some other reason. It’d taken her years to believe Quinn genuinely did love her, but even now, Rachel had her insecurities about that relationship which she really didn’t want to think about, so she didn’t.

There were times when she believed it probably would have been better to just stay in Lima with Quinn. Really, what did it matter, all this stuff, the career, the nice apartment, whatever. Maybe she and Quinn would have crashed and burned, and they wouldn’t even be on speaking terms anymore. Or maybe she and Quinn would be living in that cute little house in the suburbs crawling with screaming, happy kids and Quinn would still be teaching math, of course, but maybe she could be teaching acting or singing or something and she could drive carpool three days per week. They’d have dinner together every night with the kids, and there would be homework time, and bath time, and then bed time. And maybe in that other life, she and Quinn would read to the kids every night before tucking them into bed and kissing them goodnight before they slipped off to their own bedroom where they could watch TV or read to each other or something before they fell asleep. Maybe. That life was so deliriously appealing to her, but the idea of it scared her shitless, too.

\--

Quinn was surprised to see the email from the unknown sender with the subject heading: ‘RACHEL!’ in all capital letters and exclamation point. Quinn was accustomed to hearing major details about Rachel’s life from sources other than Rachel such as falls on movie sets that resulted in a pelvis that broke in three places, and so immediately, fear and panic slammed into her chest. She clicked on the email and was annoyed when it didn’t open right away, so she clicked on it three more times, before her computer froze and she threw a magazine at the wall in frustration. Five minutes later, Quinn was finally able to read the email.

Subject: RACHEL!  
From: Cassandra Lafayette (Cassandra Lafayette)  
Sent: Fri, 7/14/2023 8:39AM  
To: quinnfabray@hotmail.com

Hi Quinn,

I hope you don’t mind, but I got your email from Rachel’s cell phone. (Don’t tell her or else she’ll get mad that I looked through her phone). You probably already know that Rachel’s 30th birthday is at the end of the month, and she doesn’t seem to want to do anything for it. She said she already had plans with you and that you’re coming in next Wednesday and staying for about a month. Since she doesn’t want a party, I wanted to do a surprise happy hour/drinks hour and dinner for her with some friends at Nate’s Bar and Grill (I’ll send you the address later). Do you mind bringing her? I talked to some of her other friends, and it looks like Friday, the 28th of July is best, and it’ll still be before her actual birthday, so you guys can do whatever you already planned out. Can you let me know? Also, remember it’s a SURPRISE and be sure you really emphasize you want to try this place out, or she might flake!

Thanks!

-Cassie.

Quinn wrote her back immediately, stating that of course she’d be more than happy to oblige, and she actually felt sort of giddy and excited about it because it was pretty rare when a surprise party actually worked, but Quinn felt like maybe this one might.

A few days later, when Rachel picked Quinn up from the airport, Quinn can’t help but resist thinking ‘I know something you don’t know!’ as she looked at the brunette. They shared a quick hug in the airport terminal, but there were photographers milling around everywhere, just as there were at every major airport, so they didn’t do anything more than that. Rachel was a public figure, after all.

They took a cab to Rachel’s apartment and Rachel’s lips are on hers the moment they get inside the apartment and the door closed behind them. Rachel shoved Quinn against the door and they kiss fervently until they need to breathe and Rachel pulled away.

“I missed you,” Rachel said, her voice slightly rough.

“I can tell,” Quinn teased.

“Take off your clothes.”

Quinn obliged. Immediately. It was Rachel’s birthday month after all.

\--

Quinn lay sprawled on her stomach on top Rachel’s bed as she watched Rachel put on her make-up. Rachel was only half dressed in her underwear and bra and Quinn had to admit she really enjoyed her vantage point.

“I really don’t understand what the draw of this place is,” Rachel commented as she put on eye shadow. “I mean, it’s just a bar and grill that happened to be called ‘Nate’s. What’s the attraction?”

“Well, you like eating there and I just read some reviews about it, and they were good,” Quinn said, for the fifteenth time that evening. “I just want to try it.”

“But why does it have to be tonight?” she asked. “It’s Friday and it’s going to be crowded.”

Quinn rolled her eyes. “Okay, grandma. I’m sorry we didn’t catch the early bird special dinner at Denny’s.”

“Denny’s has very good salads,” Rachel said absently. “Would you like to go there instead?”

“Rachel! I just want to go out for dinner, what’s the big deal? Turning 30 doesn’t mean you suddenly need to eat dinner at 4pm, and wear your underwear up to your boobs.”

Rachel laughed and set down her mascara. She turned around and pulled up the thong she was wearing. “Do you think this will go up to my boobs?” she teased.

Quinn chuckled, got off the bed and approached Rachel. She wrapped her arms around Rachel’s waist and pressed their foreheads together. “I’d just like to go out and have dinner with you. Is that okay?”

Rachel grinned and cupped Quinn’s face in her hands. “It is,” she agreed. “But let’s make it quick. I kind of just want to come back here and…” she kissed Quinn and she heard Quinn moan and felt Quinn’s arms wrap tighter around her waist.

“Rachel…” Quinn murmured

Rachel kissed Quinn’s neck. “We never have enough time together,” she whispered, her breath warm against Quinn’s neck. “It’ll be my birthday soon and all I want is to be with you. Just you.” She kissed Quinn’s cheek. “It won’t be long until you have to leave again and I’ll miss you. And I won’t be able to do this.”

Quinn gasped for air. “Rachel, fuck,” she whispered, because it was so tempting, but she promised she’d have Rachel at the restaurant. She pulled away from Rachel. “Just dinner,” she said, her eyes gazing into Rachel’s. “We’ll just have dinner, maybe a glass of wine…” she smiled teasingly and cupped one of Rachel’s breasts. She kissed Rachel’s neck. “And then we can come home and we can…”

“Have some fun?” Rachel interjected with a crooked grin.

“A lot of fun,” Quinn said solemnly. She smiled and her hands reached out to trace her index finger up Rachel’s abdomen. “But we do need to eat.”

Rachel sighed, but smiled fondly. “Okay,” she agreed. “I’ll feed you, and then I’ll take you home and I’ll e--”

“If you say what I think you’re going to say, I’m going to make you write standards.”

Rachel grinned mischievously and grabbed a hairbrush off her vanity table and held it out to Quinn. “Teacher, I’ve been so bad. Do you want to make it hurt? I’m incorrigible, you know, and I won’t ever learn if you don’t give me a lot of stern attention.”

Quinn swallowed hard. God, why did she agree she would get Rachel to this party? She should have realized she was unreliable for that task. “Well, Ms. Berry,” she said, trying to sound as stern as she could. “If you try to be good all throughout dinner, then I’ll show you good behavior is rewarded with…positive reinforcement.”

Rachel grinned impishly and pressed a kiss to Quinn’s mouth. “I like it when you play hard to get,” she said. “Fine,” she said sighing deeply. “I suppose food is a customary part of this dating ritual.”

Quinn raised an eyebrow. “You’re just lucky it’s almost your birthday.”

\--

Quinn surreptitiously texted Cassie to let her know they were arriving at the restaurant and then tucked her phone back into her purse before Rachel could get suspicious.

“Let’s make this quick,” Rachel purred into her ear.

Quinn really hoped it would be quick.

The hostess led them to their table, and Quinn watched as Rachel’s eyes widened in genuine shock when was greeted by a chorus of “surprise.” Quinn counted six other women and eight men.

Quinn stepped back and allowed Rachel’s friends to swarm her and hug her.

“Happy birthday, friend,” a blonde exclaimed to Rachel, pulling Rachel into a tight hug and giving her an affectionate kiss on the cheek. She turned to Quinn and held out her hand. “You’re Quinn, right? I’m Cassie. It’s nice to finally meet you. Rachel always disappears when you come here, and I used to think that maybe she was, I don’t know, tying you to her bed and molesting you intermittently.”

Quinn blushed but laughed. It was actually kind of close to the truth, but she was not about to say so. She took Cassie’s hand. “It’s really nice to meet you, too,” she agreed.

Actually, it was just nice to be integrated into the rest of Rachel’s life. She really loved holing up with Rachel-- they had so little time together, so every moment was precious, but there were times when she felt like a dirty little secret. Every time she visited Rachel, they always did things together alone, just the two of them. It was nice to get a fuller glimpse of Rachel’s life.

Quinn just watched Rachel interact with her friends and Quinn slipped to the sidelines and snapped pictures with her digital camera. Rachel seemed at ease with her friends, and there a myriad of inside jokes which got everyone laughing to which Quinn was simply not privy. She had to admit, she felt sort of left out, and she realized again how different their lives really were.

“Here,” Cassie said, slipping into the booth next to Quinn. She set another cantaloupe martini in front of Quinn.

“Oh! Thanks,” Quinn said.

Cassie waved away the gratitude and the two watched quietly for a moment as Rachel laughed so hard at something someone else said that she was clapping her hands.

Cassie chuckled. “It’s so cute she does that. My mom does that.”

Quinn laughed. “It is cute,” she agreed,

“So, thanks for getting her here. There was no way we could have pulled it off without you.”

Quinn chuckled. “I’m sure you could have found some other way to get her here.”

Cassie shrugged. “Maybe, but she’s kind of…well, not flaky, but like, we’ll have plans to go out with our friends, and then Rachel will call and say she doesn’t want to go out anymore. The girl is goddamn moody. If you hadn’t brought her out, she probably would have canceled, and like, holed up in that apartment of hers like the Unabomber.”

“Really?” Quinn asked, genuinely surprised.

“Yeah,” Cassie said. “She’s kind of anti-social and not much of a joiner.”

“Are we talking about Rachel My Rachel? Rachel Berry?” Quinn asked with a frown. “Rachel is very social, and she’s a total joiner.”

Cassie shrugged again. “Maybe you just see a different side of her, then. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I think Rachel is great. When I needed help moving or I need something important, Rachel’s always the one I call because I know she’ll always come through for me. But I won’t call her if it’s for something that’s not important, like, going out to the bar or brunch or whatever, because she’ll probably say no and I don’t want to bother her. I mean, she didn’t even want to have a birthday party for her thirtieth birthday. Doesn’t everyone do some big party? When I turned thirty, I had a birthday month, and Rachel didn’t even want to, like, slice a cake with us.”

“But you threw her a party anyway,” Quinn pointed out.

“Well, it’s her thirtieth birthday.” Cassie said. “It’d really suck not to do something and this was the only way I could think of to do it.”

Quinn smiled at Rachel who was clearly having a good time.

“It was really nice of you to do this for her,” Quinn said sincerely. “Thank you.”

She knew that there was no way she could have planned something like this for Rachel, she just didn’t have the access. It sort of depressed her, because this was really the kind of thing she should be able to do for Rachel.

“Well, I love her, even though she has terrible taste in men.” Cassie rolled her eyes.

Quinn laughed and thought of Rachel’s unfailing loyalty to Puck and Finn, whom Quinn sort of loved too, but they were knuckleheads most of the time. “I know what you mean,” she agreed.

Rachel flopped down next to Cassie at just that moment, cheeks flushed pink and eyes bright. “Have you guys been hiding from me?” she asked, giving them a sunny smile.

“Rach, we’ve been right here this whole time,” Cassie said with a smile. “That’s not hiding.”

Rachel’s brow furrowed slightly and Quinn realized Rachel was drunk. Quinn couldn’t resist and snapped a picture to document Rachel’s confused expression.

“But people can hide in plain sight,” Rachel said finally.

“Well, those people are usually wearing disguises,” Quinn teased. “Do we look like we’re wearing disguises?”

Rachel pouted. “Don’t try to trick me with your…logic. I’m going to get another drink,” she declared, holding up her martini glass and squinting into it. “It had a strawberry in it.”

Cassie giggled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drunk,” she declared to Rachel. She nudged Rachel with her knee. “Move. I’ll get it for you. I don’t want you to fall down, otherwise you’ll break your ankle and then your understudy will get to play Maria.”

Rachel looked outraged. “Michelle is very cutthroat! I think she will try to break my pelvis and I can’t break it again, because I’ve already broken it.” Rachel became suddenly very forlorn. “I don’t want to break my pelvis again, it was very inconvenient.”

“Well,” Cassie said. “You don’t have to break your pelvis again, right?” she pointed out reasonably. “You could, just, you know, trip her or squirt lemon juice in her eye or something.”

Rachel pouted at the mention of that Caleb-ism. “You suck.”

Cassie laughed and stood up. She patted Rachel’s shoulder consolingly. “I will get you another strawberry martini, and you will feel better.”

“Can you ask for two strawberries? You know, one for each side of my mouth?”

Cassie’s mouth dropped open in outrage and she slapped Rachel’s shoulder. “I told you! It’s perfectly reasonable that Jackson does that, a lot of people do!”

Rachel laughed hysterically and doubled over, her head pressing into Quinn’s stomach.

Quinn and Cassie shared an amused glance and Cassie walked off to grab another martini for Rachel.

Rachel rested her head in Quinn’s lap, and Quinn ran her fingers through Rachel’s hair. “You okay down there?” Quinn asked, grinning.

“Very good,” Rachel sighed. She lay there for a moment and then sat up. “So you were in on this?”

“I was,” Quinn confirmed with a grin.

“It was really nice of you, Quinn,” Rachel said sincerely.

“Well, it was mostly your friends,” Quinn said. “I just got you here. They love you, you know.”

Something in Rachel’s expression wavered slightly. Quinn wasn’t sure what it was. Something flickering in Rachel’s eyes? The barest hint of her forehead furrowing? Maybe Rachel’s lower lip moving slightly? Quinn wasn’t sure, but there was definitely something there.

“Yeah, maybe,” Rachel said, trying to keep her voice light.

Before Quinn could ask about it, Rachel saw Cassie returning with another martini, which sure enough, had two strawberries in it.

“Yay!” Rachel said, clapping her hands three times.

Cassie chuckled. “I love how this is only your fourth drink,” she commented. “You’re a cheap date. Lightweight.”

Rachel shrugged, because it was true. She took the proffered drink and pulled out one of the strawberries and passed it to Quinn. Then Rachel took out the other strawberry and smiled at Quinn.

“Cheers,” Rachel said, grinning. She held out her strawberry.

Quinn laughed and lightly clinked her strawberry against Rachel’s. “Happy birthday, Rach.”

\--

On Rachel’s actual thirtieth birthday, her plan was just to spend the entire day in bed with Quinn. She didn’t have any higher aspirations than that, and she was reasonably certain that it could be easily accomplished. Quinn was in the shower, and although Rachel would have loved to join the blonde, Rachel thought they should be capable of taking care of their basic hygiene without acting like a couple of horny teenagers, so she declined Quinn’s invitation to join her. Quinn had been in the shower for a long time, and Rachel was sure that the blonde was mocking her or something.

When her phone rang, she didn’t think anything of it. She figured it was one of her fathers calling to wish her a happy birthday or something. Her father, Paul, wasn’t feeling very well lately, and so her dads didn’t take the trip out to see her on her birthday, which was okay with her because she knew she’d see them soon anyway.

She didn’t even look at the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Rachel?”

It was a young woman, maybe a teenaged girl. Rachel didn’t recognize the voice.

“This is Rachel.”

“Um. Hi, this is Leah. Your sister.”

Rachel sat up in her bed and held her phone closer to her ear, her hand gripping the phone as hard as she could. She had not seen Leah since Leah was very small. Of everything that happened with her fathers’ surrogate-- and she had to force herself to start thinking of Amy in that way, or else she would have gone crazy, the thing she most regretted was that she couldn’t have a relationship with the girl who was biologically her sister. Amy was her fathers’ surrogate, not her birth mother, and it’d taken a long time to reach that point, but it’d been an absolute necessity, because a surrogate could reject a you and it wouldn’t necessarily be about you, but if your mother rejected you, it was a pretty big sign that you were basically unlovable.

Amy was a surrogate, but Leah was her sister, and Leah was the reason Rachel still sent Christmas cards, every year, with her phone number included. There was some small part of her that wished maybe she could have a relationship with Amy, too, but Rachel had given up hope about that one. Leah must about 20 years old now.

“Hi!” Rachel exclaimed. “Wow. How are you?”

Leah took a shaky breath. “Not so good,” she said. “My mom…our mom died this morning.”

Rachel froze, and she couldn’t say anything for a moment.

“Are you still there?”

“Yeah,” Rachel said quietly. “I am.” She took a deep breath. “Are you okay?”

“Um. Not really,” Leah said. “It was breast cancer,” she said softly. “So we knew it was coming. But still.”

“Oh,” Rachel said quietly.

Leah cleared her throat. “She had the gene,” she said quietly. “She didn’t know, because she was adopted. You should get checked out.”

The first thing that Rachel thought was not about her sister, or her mother. The first thing Rachel thought was ‘well, that would have been very helpful information to know before you decided to donate your egg to my dads.’ But she felt that it was just too cruel, even to think and she immediately chastised herself for such an uncharitable thought.

“Okay,” Rachel said. “Thanks. Did you…did you get checked out? Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Leah said. “I am. I don’t have it.”

“Good,” Rachel said, and she really and truly meant it.

“The funeral is next week, do you think you can come?”

“Yes, of course,” Rachel said immediately.

“Okay,” Leah said. “I can…email all the information to you. What’s your email address?”

Rachel gave it to her, and they chatted for a few minutes.

“Leah,” Rachel said softly. “If there’s anything I can do, just let me know, okay?”

“Well,” Leah said. “It’s kind of…good you asked,” she said. “I…I don’t know how to ask you this,” she said awkwardly. “So I’m just going to ask you.”

“Okay…” Rachel said slowly.

“My mom didn’t know she got sick until it was pretty late,” Leah said quietly. “And it was a very aggressive form of cancer. She ran up some pretty high medical bills.”

“I’m sure,” Rachel murmured sympathetically.

“I’m not…I’m not asking this for me,” Leah said. “I’m just…I mean, this has ruined my dad. And you’re her daughter, too and I thought since you’re an actress and you’re pretty successful and all, I mean, I looked you up on the internet, maybe you could…well, maybe you could help my dad out with my mom’s burial expenses.”

Rachel was too stunned to speak for a moment.

“Are you still there?” Leah asked hesitantly.

“Yeah,” Rachel said. “Yeah, I am.”

Rachel swallowed hard. She was furious and her first instinct was to yell at this kid, but then she thought about where Leah was coming from, and she just couldn’t do it. She remembered Amy’s house, and it’d been modest. They didn’t struggle for money, but they weren’t wealthy either. And while her relationship with Amy had done nothing for her but make her wonder why anyone would choose to love her, she’d seen the tender way Amy treated Leah. It’d only made her long for her mother to treat her that way, too, but she wasn’t going to delude herself into thinking her fathers’ surrogate could genuinely consider her a daughter the way Amy considered Leah to be her daughter. And she thought about Leah’s family and what unexpected medical bills would do to a regular middle-class family and she thought about how expensive funerals were, and how Leah was probably just trying to spare her father more pain, and she really couldn’t be angry anymore.

“Okay,” Rachel agreed. “Have your dad call me, okay?”

“Could you…could you call him?” Leah asked hesitantly. “He’s not really…calling anyone right now.”

“Sure,” Rachel said softly.

“We still have the same number. Do you still have it? We’ve had the same number since, like, I was born.”

“I do,” Rachel informed her.

“Okay,” Leah said quietly. “Thanks. I should…I should go. I have more people I need to call.”

“Okay,” Rachel said. “Leah--if you need to talk to anyone, I mean, you can call me. Any time. Day or night.”

“Okay,” Leah said. “Thanks.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

Rachel hung up the phone and put it on her nightstand. She lay on her back and contemplatively stared up at the ceiling. In all honesty, she could pay for the funeral expenses, and probably even pay off whatever medical bills weren’t covered by health insurance. She made good money, and she really didn’t have anyone to spend it on other than herself. It would be really easy and it would be the generous, kind thing to do. But she also kind of hated herself a little bit for wanting to do it, because really, Amy was dead now, so it wasn’t like she’d ever get her approval.

It was then she determined she would pay for the funeral expenses, and if it were feasible, she’d pay for the remaining medical bills. After all, a few thousand dollars meant very different things to a single, upwardly mobile person than it did to a family that was trying to cope with a devastating loss.

But she wouldn’t go to the funeral. It was pretty obvious to Rachel that she wouldn’t be wanted at the funeral, but that Amy’s family would gladly take her money.

“Hey,” Quinn said as she came back into the bedroom, toweling her hair. “Why so serious?” she asked jumping naked onto to bed. “It’s your birthday!”

Rachel smiled at her. “I just missed you while you were in the shower, that’s all.”

“Well, you could have joined me.” Quinn said. She pressed a kiss to Rachel’s neck. “Stinky,” she teased.

Rachel chuckled. “Let me go shower. I hope you didn’t use all the hot water.”

In the end, Rachel wrote Amy’s family a very generous check that did cover the funeral expenses and the remaining medical bills. But she didn’t go to the funeral, and no one seemed to really care she didn’t go.

\--

Quinn had known Rachel long enough to know when Rachel was genuinely happy, and when Rachel was just pretending to be happy. What she didn’t know was why Rachel was pretending to be happy on her thirtieth birthday, when Rachel had been genuinely happy for most the morning.

Rachel just seemed to be trying too hard to be happy, like she was trying to prove herself. But she got really quiet sometimes, and when they ordered takeaways from Rachel’s favorite Thai place, Rachel barely touched her food and she didn’t eat any of the leftovers for dinner. And no matter how many times Quinn asked if Rachel was okay, Rachel always said she was just fine.

It was a week before she found out what happened.

They ate a late dinner after Rachel returned from rehearsal. Rachel didn’t usually eat late, but she made an exception so she could share a meal with Quinn.

“I think I should tell you something,” Rachel said softly in the middle of dinner. “You might find out anyway, and you get mad at me when I don’t tell you stuff that you end up finding out about.”

“Generally speaking, Rachel, people tend to get mad about stuff like that. You know, like when you fall off buildings.”

It wasn’t so much being lied to via omission, it was being cut out of the most basic parts of Rachel’s life. Over the past decade, Quinn felt herself become increasingly excised out of Rachel’s life until she could only see a very small fraction of it and played a very small role in it.

Rachel gave her a small grin. “I fell once. And it was a prop tower.”

“Building!”

“Prop tower!”

“Whatever.”

Rachel gave her a small smile. “I will never hear the end of that will I?”

“No.”

“Amy died,” Rachel confessed quietly.

Quinn froze and then blinked. She put down her fork. “Amy?” she asked.

“My dads’ surrogate. My mom.”

“Right,” Quinn breathed. “When? What happened?”

“Last week,” Rachel said. “On my birthday.”

Quinn’s first thought was that she wished she could either go back in time to kill Rachel’s mother long before Rachel’s birthday or resurrect her so she could kill Rachel’s mother in a couple weeks, so that it wouldn’t fall so close to Rachel’s birthday. Even in death, Rachel’s mother was still just ruining Rachel’s life.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Rachel sighed. “It’s finally over. Leah, my…Amy’s daughter called to tell me. The funeral was today, and I said I would go, but I didn’t.”

Quinn wished she could be kinder about it, but she was glad, really and truly glad Rachel didn’t go, because as far as she was concerned, Rachel did not owe Amy a thing.

“What happened?” Quinn asked softly, stroking Rachel’s hair.

“Breast cancer,” Rachel said flatly.

Was it wrong to believe that cancer was deserved? That was Quinn’s thought, and she immediately regretted it, because she felt it was the kind of thought a person went to hell for. And really, no matter how foul a person, no one deserved that.

Quinn got up from her chair and knelt beside Rachel. She reached up to cup Rachel’s face in her hands.

“She wasn’t worth you being so sad,” Quinn said softly. “I’m sorry she died. No one deserves that. But she was really cruel to you. She just kept pushing for this relationship, but it was always on her terms, and you were really little when she started seeking you out. It was normal for you to want her approval. But Rachel, you didn’t need her approval. Approval from people like her doesn’t even mean anything.”

“I’m not a kid,” Rachel said gruffly. “You don’t have to make me feel better.” But she didn’t move away.

“Maybe it’s just because I love you.”

Rachel gave her a sad smile. “I’m sure you do.” She kissed Quinn’s lips. “I love you, too.”

\--

Year: 2024

When Santana moved to LA to be with Brittany, it seemed abrupt to everyone else, but really, it’d been in the works for a long time.

“Your woman was the one who told me to do it,” Santana told Quinn huffily. “I didn’t just do this on a whim. I sent out resumes, networked, found a job and found an apartment before I moved. That took time.”

“I didn’t say it was a bad thing,” Quinn said. “I just said I was surprised. It seems so sudden.”

“Well, moving generally is, Quinn. People don’t spend years moving, it generally happens pretty quickly once you get the ball rolling.”

“Don’t fuck it up,” Quinn said softly. “Brittany’s a good person.”

“And I’m not?” Santana asked, clearly offended.

“You are,” Quinn reassured. “Just…just don’t hurt her.”

“I’ve never intentionally hurt Brit. Everyone else can fuck themselves, but I would never hurt Brittany. Why do you think it took me so long to get my ass down here?” Santana asked, her voice rising and becoming increasingly upset.

“I know,” Quinn soothed. “Brittany’s probably the one person on earth you haven’t been a bitch to at some point.”

“Well, everyone else deserves it,” Santana said, unrepentant. But she laughed.

“You sound happy,” Quinn noted. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks,” Santana said. “You know, I put a good word in for you while your woman was trying to get under my skin by pretending like she was going after Brittany.” Santana paused. “At least, she better have been pretending,” she said. “I told her she should come after you. Maybe you should keep an eye out for her.”

“I don’t think that will ever happen,” Quinn said softly. “She would never want to come back to Lima.”

“Then you should move to her.”

“It’s a lot easier when you don’t have kids,” Quinn reminded her.

Santana was exasperated. “It’s not like she’s expecting you to leave them behind like you’re the mother in the Joy Luck Club. You can take them with you. And you know you want to get out of Lima.”

“Rachel and I aren’t you and Brittany.”

“But you guys wish you were!” Santana teased.

Santana could never know how right she was.

“Good luck,” Quinn said softly. “I need to go though. I have to make dinner for the kids.”

\--

“It’s crazy,” Quinn said when she talked to Rachel that night before bed.

“I don’t think it’s that crazy,” Rachel said. “I think it’s really, you know, romantic.”

“It’s crazy!”

“It’s not that crazy.”

“Santana just moved around her entire life for Brittany. I mean, what if it doesn’t work out? Then Santana would have changed her entire life for nothing.”

“I don’t think Brittany qualifies as ‘nothing,’ Quinn.”

Quinn sighed. “No, of course not,” she said. “But I mean, it was a lot for Santana to give up. She’s been in San Francisco for over ten years. That’s like, her whole adult life.”

”Well, now she has a whole lot more adult life to live in LA. I think it’s going to be good.”

“Well, I don’t think I could do it,” Quinn said.

The very moment she said it, she wished she could take it back.

“No?” Rachel asked. “You don’t think you could?”

Quinn grimaced and winced. She covered her face with her hand. God, she was stupid. “It’s not that I couldn’t,” she said softly. “It’s just that it would be a lot harder for me. I mean. I have the kids. But you’d be worth it, Rach.”

Rachel sighed. “I was just giving you a hard time. I know it’s different with Santana. If you did it, it really would be crazy.”

“Not that crazy,” Quinn said quietly.

“Maybe not that crazy,” Rachel agreed. “Maybe just… unfeasible. People do call this place the best city in the world,” she said lightly.

“Yeah,” Quinn agreed.

“You know what would be less crazy?” Rachel asked slowly.

“Not really,” Quinn said. “Care to share with me?”

“I could move out there,” Rachel said hesitantly. “I mean, it is less crazy when a single person with no kids moves. Ohio isn’t so far away, you know.”

Quinn sighed. “Rach, you moving out here is crazier. You hate Lima. You couldn’t wait to get out of here.”

“Quinn, when people say you can’t go home again, I don’t think we’re supposed to interpret that quite as literally as you do.”

If Rachel only knew how badly Quinn wanted her to come back to Lima, Rachel would already be looking up flight details on the internet. This, Quinn knew for certain. But Quinn knew Rachel would never be happy in Lima, and that in the end, Rachel would end up resentful for being back in her old hometown where she was socially tortured and her fathers were routinely disparaged. There was nothing in Lima to bring Rachel back. She’d gotten a glimpse of what Rachel’s life was really like without her at Rachel’s surprise birthday party, and Rachel seemed happy. Her career was going well, and Rachel had everything she wanted, there was no way Quinn could ask Rachel to give all that up to come back to Lima.

“There’s nothing for you here,” Quinn said.

“There’s you,” Rachel said quietly. “And there’s the kids.” She cleared her throat. “I know I’d make a pretty crappy mother, you know, no real role model to go by, but--”

“You would be a great mom,” Quinn interrupted quietly. “I wish one day you’d see that.”

“I mean, I don’t necessarily think I can do the whole…family thing,” Rachel said. “I mean, I don’t know if I can do it well, but I’ll try, Quinn. I’ll try really hard, and if I disappoint you, I’ll go. I mean. But I think we should just try, don’t you?”

“You have your whole life there,” Quinn said softly, but she wanted to beg, really and truly plead on her knees for that life.

“Not my whole life.”

“Most of it,” Quinn said. “And what about your career?”

Rachel was quiet. “It’s not more important than you and the kids. And anyway. It’s not like Ohio is on a different planet. I could…you know, commute, if I had to. I mean, I could spend a couple months away to do shows--”

“And how would that be any different from what we have now?”

“I could just do Ohio shows,” Rachel said softly. “Musicals come to Ohio, it’s not like Ohio is some joyless wasteland. Musicals do US tours all the time, and yeah, some of them do come to Ohio.”

“And what would people say when you leave Broadway to do shows in the middle of nowhere in Ohio?” Quinn demanded. “I know people are more open-minded, but this is still Lima.”

“Is that really what you care about?” Rachel asked quietly.

Rachel sounded so hurt, Quinn couldn’t lie.

“No,” Quinn admitted, it really was just something she said to try and deter Rachel. “But I just don’t think it’d work.”

“Why not?” Rachel asked softly. “I’ll try not to…” she cleared her throat. “disappoint you or let the kids down. I can do it, Quinn. I’ll put my whole heart into it, I promise.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to,” Quinn said. “Maybe I know it’s just asking too much.”

“Quinn--”

“Rachel, eventually, you’re going to meet someone else, someone you can actually relate to, who has a life a lot more similar to yours. Someone who isn’t some high school math teacher with three kids and a house with broken plumbing. And eventually, when the kids are a little older, I’ll be able to meet someone, too. I wasn’t planning on doing what we’ve been doing forever.”

It was mean, but not as mean as she could have been.

Rachel took a deep breath. “Okay,” she said finally. “If that’s what you want.”

“It is.”

“Then I guess I’ll just see you soon.”

They did see each other a few months later, and everything was the way it always was when they were with each other. But Rachel stopped talking about moving back to Lima, and Rachel stopped making invitations for Quinn and the kids to move in. And when Quinn thought about when that changed, Quinn could point to that exact conversation.


	16. Chapter 16

Year: 2025

Quinn Fabray felt anger and resentment toward her mother and father over the years, but by time she reached her 30s, she’d tried to let that go, because hating her parents felt, well, too much like teenaged angst. And she had a teenaged daughter of her own who seemed to hate her these days, so she truly wanted to cut her parents some slack.

But finding out her mother called Jane a mistake brought back all the old resentment and anger and at the moment she really hated her mother with every fiber of her being.

Naturally her mother wasn’t answering her phone, but Quinn didn’t plan on letting it go. She let it go when her mother didn’t show up for Todd’s birth or when her parents were a no-show to Logan’s adoption finalization. She let it go every other time when her parents made her feel like she and her children were untouchables to be ignored, but she was not going to let this go.

Every other time, her parents were just ignoring her or her kids, but this time, her mother flat-out called Janie a mistake, and Janie was only 16-- how else was she supposed to react? Quinn remembered herself at 16, all the fragile insecurity and how much it hurt when her parents made her feel alienated and unwanted in her own house. She remembered how eager, happy and optimistic she felt for every morsel of kindness or a softening of attitude. And she remembered Rachel, of course-- how Rachel wanted a mother so badly, she sought one out in someone who was nothing more than a misfortune of biology. It took years to realize that all Rachel was looking for was acceptance, but by the time Quinn figured it out, the damage was done, and Rachel’s mother became this taboo topic, something Rachel refused to talk to her about.

It was well past nine pm when her mother finally picked up the phone.

“Mom,” Quinn snapped.

“Hello, Quinn. It’s a bit late to be calling. How are you? Has something happened?”

Quinn ignored the questions to ask one of her own. “Did you or did you not call my daughter a mistake?”

“As I told Rachel, I believe I used the word ‘accident’.”

“Rachel? What does Rachel have to do-- never mind, that’s not important right now, Mom, how could you call my daughter an ‘accident’?”

“Was her conception deliberate?”

Quinn clenched her jaw. “Mother, don’t you ever tell Janie something like that again.”

“Quinn. I’ve already had this discussion with Rachel, and I don’t wish to pursue it any longer.”

“Janie is my daughter,” Quinn shouted. “You talk to me about Janie. How could you make Janie feel like she ruined my life? She didn’t.”

“Quinn, I never said Janie ruined your life. What I told her was that she needed to be more careful than you. You could have gone to any college in the country, had any job you wanted. But instead, here you are, in Lima. I expected that you would have left, considering you talked about leaving Lima since you were seven years old. And yet, you’re here. If she misinterpreted my intent, there’s nothing I can do about that. I am not going to apologize for something I had no control over.”

“I like my life just fine, Mom,” Quinn said softly. “I really wish you and dad would just forgive me and we could move on and be a real family. I really wish you guys could be real grandparents to my kids. I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.”

“Quinn, if you wanted to be a real family, perhaps you should have made some sort of effort. Rachel calls me at least once a week to give me updates on the children. How often do you call me to do the same?”

“We live in the same town, Mom.”

Quinn knew she could have made more of an effort. Really, she did. But it just seemed so much easier not to. And she knew Rachel and her mother had some weird love-hate relationship, and that Rachel talked to her mother more than she did, but she didn’t think her mother was all that bothered by it. Her mother never tried to make any effort with her, either.

“Well, Quinn. Then perhaps you should think about what it is that you really want.”

It was pointless, really. She should have long ago accepted her relationship with her parents would never change. But she wanted so badly to fix things between them she never quite gave up the hope things would get better, even when it was pretty obvious that they would just stay the same.

Quinn thought about what she really wanted, and what she realized was this: her mother was not the one she wanted to talk to before she went to bed.

\--

Quinn called Rachel for the third time that day, which was more often than the norm, but not all that unusual, either.

“I just got off the phone with my mom,” Quinn said, not even bothering with a greeting. “I can’t believe I let her get under my skin like this. I mean, I know what she’s like. I know what they’re both like, and I still get all mad.”

“Well, mothers will do that to you,” Rachel said. “Or so I’m told anyway.”

Quinn bit her lip. “Rachel, I’m sorry about earlier,” she apologized.

“It’s okay,” Rachel said. “I know you didn’t mean it.”

Quinn still felt horrible about the mean thing she said to Rachel earlier in the day when she’d called Rachel sobbing because her mother wasn’t picking up the phone. She didn’t know why she said such awful things to Rachel sometimes. All Rachel had tried to do was comfort her by saying “you don’t need them anymore. You made it, you’re fine. You don’t need them anymore.” It was clearly meant to be uplifting-- a way of telling Quinn how far she’d come and how she actually had made it in her own way. But instead of being nice about it, or even just ignoring it, Quinn had to be snippy and told Rachel, “just because you don’t have a mother doesn’t mean I don’t want mine,” which was a pretty mean thing to say, all things considered.

As always, Rachel seemed to write it off, but Quinn had been genuinely apologetic and felt badly about it since she said it. She wanted to be nicer to Rachel, she really did. She wanted to be kind and gentle. She wanted to be sweet. But no matter how hard she tried, no matter how many promises she made to herself at the last minute of every December 31st, she just couldn’t seem to make Rachel happy or to be as good to Rachel as she wanted to be. No matter how much she tried to control herself, she always seemed to do or say something that hurt Rachel. And it was always so obvious Rachel was hurt, which was probably the worst part. Actually, when Quinn really thought about it, it was the way Rachel always got so quiet, but never said anything-- like she’d been expecting it, like they were still 16 year old kids and Rachel was the kid who got Slushied all the time and Quinn was the mean cheerleader.

“You know what, enough about me,” Quinn said. “How are you? Are things good?”

“Sure,” Rachel said casually. “Everything’s pretty much the same with me. What about you? Other than, you know, the thing with your mom?”

“Nothing ever changes over here,” Quinn said lightly.

“Nothing ever does seem to change,” Rachel said with a sigh.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Quinn asked softly.

“Nothing,” Rachel said. “It’s getting late,” she said.

“Yeah,” Quinn agreed.

“I have to be up early tomorrow. Talk again soon?”

“Sure,” Quinn agreed.

Over the next few weeks, Janie was still surly and remote, but the tension gradually decreased, and while Quinn did not get her happy-go-lucky, charming child back, at least Janie wasn’t outright hostile, either.

“She’ll grow out of it,” Rachel consoled. “Remember us at 16?”

“Yeah,” Quinn said. “I was the pregnant cheerleader with bisexual tendencies, and you were the neurotic Glee club diva that I was sneaking off to the pottery room with. Do you really want to compare Janie to us at that age?”

Rachel paused and Quinn could almost see the way Rachel was likely narrowing her eyes and pursing her lips before she spoke. “I meant,” Rachel said calmly. “That we weren’t all that inclined to tell our parents about a lot of stuff, and we turned out okay. She’s a kid, she’ll come around.”

“Rachel, when we were 16, I was hiding my pregnancy from my parents, and you were hiding the fact that some crazy woman was trying to kidnap you from your parents. You are not exactly inspiring my confidence.”

Rachel chuckled. “You’re a good mom,” she said. “Just you being you makes me confident. Just give her some time. She is Noah’s daughter, after all.”

“Again, not exactly inspiring confidence.”

Rachel laughed, and Quinn had to join in.

\--

Rachel received the letter in the mail. An actual letter in the mail. It was unusual enough that Rachel picked it up, held it up to the light and stared at it suspiciously. It was sent in one of those large manila envelopes. No one sent actual mail anymore, people didn’t even send junk mail as much, so to get an actual letter in the mail was something of a spectacle. She almost wondered if Santana was maybe finally anthraxing for making her think that she was going to seduce Brittany. Santana was adept at waiting for revenge. But then she saw the return label. Leah Sanders.

Rachel raised an eyebrow and opened the letter and read.

Dear Rachel,

I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked, and I wasn’t sure how to contact you. I wrote emails, but didn’t send them and I thought about calling you, but I wasn’t sure you’d want to talk to me and I really didn’t know what to say. So I just found one of the old Christmas cards you sent us and I got your address. I hope you write back.

It’s been almost two years since my mom died, and I guess it’s only been recently I really thought about what it must have been like for you. I know you didn’t have a relationship with her. I know my mom was crazy. I loved her, but she was crazy. She was a really good mom to me though, and I guess when I asked you to help my dad pay her burial expenses, I just assumed you would want to because you felt the same way about her that I did. I wanted to thank you because it really helped my dad. I asked you because I could see what it was doing to my dad, but I never really thought about how you would feel. I thought about it, and it would have made me feel bad, so I don’t know why I didn’t think about that when it came to you.

I’m really sorry if it made you feel bad, or like I only wanted money from you. My mom used to tell me that your assistant or someone who worked for you was probably sending the Christmas cards you were sending us every year and that you made the choice not to have a relationship with us. I don’t know why I assumed you would feel responsible to my mom enough that you would want to help pay for her funeral. When you didn’t show up to the funeral, I just assumed that you were done with us. But I had some time to think about it, and I’m really sorry I asked you because I realized how it must have made you feel when no one, not me or anyone in my family has talked to you since then.

I’m getting married in a few months, and I’m sending an invitation with this letter. I’m hoping you’ll be able to come, because you are my sister, at least by blood. I don’t know if that means anything to you, but it does to me.

I heard about one of your fathers not feeling well lately (my grandparents still live in Lima and see them from time to time.) I hope he gets better and that you aren’t discouraged. My favorite Bible verse “for we walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7) is what I look to whenever I feel discouraged, scared or uncertain.

I hope you’ll come to my wedding, or if you can’t, that you’ll write me back or call me. It’s okay if you don’t, but it would be nice to know if you’re doing well. I just thought it might be nice if we could be friends. I still remember that summer you lived with us, and how you used to play with me even though you probably had better things to do. You used to tell me, ‘let’s have some fun,’ and we always would. I missed you for a long time after you were gone, and it would be nice to have you back, but I also understand if you don’t want anything more to do with me or my family.

Your sister (?),

Leah.

Rachel bit the inside of her cheek. She didn’t know what to think, so she just tossed the letter and the invitation on her table.

She didn’t like surprises like these. She liked her life to be predictable. She liked to know where she stood in someone’s life, even if it wasn’t necessarily where she wanted to be. This threw her for a complete loop.

Three weeks later, when Quinn and the kids made their annual visit during Spring Break, Rachel still had not responded to the invitation or to the letter through any method of communication. She just didn’t know what to say. Her first instinct had been to write an earnest email, but when she read it over, she felt it made her sound like a friendless, loveless loser who was alone in the world. She thought about just ignoring it and never thinking about it again, but she couldn’t do that either. So she just stuffed it in her nightstand and gave herself one month to think about it.

One night, toward the end of Quinn and the kids’ visit, Rachel passed by her spare bedroom where the boys were staying in and paused when she heard Logan crying. Logan definitely had Puckerman genes, because even as a toddler, Logan was never prone to crying. Now, as a six year old, Logan was much more apt to fight his older brother than he was to cry about something.

Janie was in the room with her brothers, although when they stayed over, she tended to sleep on the couch because it was vast and comfortable and definitely her favored domain when she visited.

“Todd! You little asshole!” Rachel heard Janie shout.

“Are you really not my sister?” Logan asked, his voice teary and wavering.

“Of course I’m your sister!” Janie exclaimed.

Rachel paused by the door, unsure of what was going on, but she knew that adult intervention was definitely needed.

“What’s going on?” Quinn asked curiously, when she saw Rachel standing by the closed door.

Rachel beckoned Quinn to come closer.

Quinn came to the door and listened for just a moment as Janie tried to comfort Logan who was still crying. Logan crying was an unusual enough to warrant Quinn’s immediate concern and she opened the door without hesitation.

“What’s going on?”

Janie and Todd began talking at the same time-- Janie addressing Quinn and Todd appealing to Rachel for understanding. Logan continued to cry. Once everything was straightened out, it was revealed that the children were watching television, and for no reason at all, Todd told Logan that Logan was adopted, and therefore, not really his or Janie’s brother and not Quinn’s son. This caused Logan to burst into tears.

Rachel loved Todd. She loved all of Quinn’s children, but Todd had always been the most sensitive, so it shocked her that he would say something so cruel without any provocation at all.

She’d never seen Quinn so furious.

Quinn crouched in front of Todd, and he seemed to draw back.

“I don’t ever want to hear you say something like that to your brother ever again, do you understand? You don’t ever say something like that. I changed all of your diapers and wiped all of your butts and you are all my kids.” Quinn’s voice lowered and became even sterner as she stared at Todd. “Do you understand me?”

Todd’s head was lowered and he nodded his head, clearly contrite.

“Come here, baby,” Quinn said, picking up Logan. At six years of age, he was not inclined to being held or cosseted anymore, but he allowed himself to be picked up this time. “You’re all my kids, do you understand?” she asked as she carried him out of t he room with the intent to speak to him a little more in private. “I love you all the same.”

Rachel was left with Todd and Janie.

Janie scowled at Todd. Her foot shot out and connected with Todd’s butt.

“You little asshole,” she said. “He’s only six!”

“Janie, don’t call your brother names,” Rachel chided. “Todd, come on, I want to talk to you.” She held out her hand and he took it timidly.

Rachel heard Quinn speaking to Todd in her bedroom with the door closed, so Rachel led Todd into the living room and they sat down on the couch together.

“Todd, why would you say something like that to your brother?” she asked as gently as possible.

Todd’s arms were crossed in front of his chest. His eyes were on the floor. “I don’t know,” he mumbled.

“Sweetheart, I know you didn’t mean it, but you have to remember to think about how the other person is going to feel, okay?

Todd was glum. “Okay.”

“A family isn’t just a bunch of people who are related to each other by blood, Todd. It doesn’t matter who your mom gave birth to, she loves you guys equally. And I’m not related to any of you, but I love you guys so much. There’s nothing any of you could do to ever make me love you any less. I would do anything for you guys.”

“I know,” Todd said quietly. “Do you think my mom is really mad at me?”

Rachel put an arm around him. “Well, yeah, Todd. She is pretty mad,” she said honestly. “But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.” She touched the back of her hand to his cheek. “It doesn’t mean you aren’t a good kid. It just means you said something mean to your brother once, and sometimes, we say mean things to people we love.” She grinned at him. “Your mom and I have said really mean things to each other, too, but we still love each other.”

He grinned at her. “Like what?”

Rachel pretended to be thoughtful. “Well, she used to tell me that I smelled bad,” she joked.

He laughed and she smiled.

“Don’t ever say Logan isn’t your brother again,” Rachel said softly. “There’s nothing wrong with being adopted, sweetheart, and your mom has never kept it a secret that Logan was adopted. It’s not a bad thing. But Logan has always been your brother, and it is wrong to say he’s not your brother just because he’s adopted. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Todd said quietly.

Eventually, Todd and Logan made up, Janie apologized for calling Todd an asshole and Quinn stopped being mad. By the time the family left Rachel’s apartment to go to the airport, Todd and Logan were roughhousing as they always did, Janie trailed slightly behind them and Quinn and Rachel followed a few feet behind.

By the time Quinn and the kids went back to Lima, Rachel had made up her mind about what to do about her sister, Leah.

She loved her fathers, and she loved being an only child because it meant she was at the very centre of her fathers’ universe. But her family was small-- so very small. She never had any other family members other than her fathers-- no grandparents on either side who were interested in meeting her, no aunts and uncles who wanted to connect with her. So that summer she spent with Amy, her husband and Leah, she’d felt part of a ‘normal family,’ and for a while, it had felt good. It felt good to be able to say, “oh, that’s my mom, my stepdad and my little sister” and just for once have it be so easy, and not have to explain that she had two gay fathers and not see the looks of surprise or worse, yet, disgust and disdain. And she’d felt so goddamn guilty for being so relieved because Amy and her husband were crazy and so hateful. She hated herself for being so pathetic for thinking it was easier to be with her crazy birth mother, who was really just a surrogate and her crazy surrogate’s crazy husband than with her loving, doting, amazing fathers. But for a brief period, it had been easier, and she’d never quite been able to forgive herself for it.

But the truth was, she did want a family that was more than just her and her fathers. It didn’t seem like she’d ever have a family of her own. She’d almost gotten married once, and there were times she almost regretted breaking it off, because looking back on it, she probably could have accepted all the quirks about Caleb that bothered her. All those things were so minute and so unimportant, really. Rachel realized that had probably been her last chance for marriage. It seemed unlikely she and Quinn would ever work out, it didn’t seem all that likely that Quinn would ever just want to be with her.

If she couldn’t have a family of her own, that meant that when someone offered to be a part of her family, she should just shut up, accept and not think about it so hard.

She RSVPd to her sister’s May wedding and sent a brief email. Leah wrote back, and over the months until Leah’s wedding, Rachel exchanged weekly emails with her sister.

\--

One Sunday afternoon in May, Quinn opened her front door to unexpectedly find Rachel at her doorstep. For one brief,moment, Quinn thought Rachel had actually done it, had actually given up her life in New York to move to Lima. How else to explain Rachel showing up, out of the blue, on her doorstep?

“Rachel!” Quinn grinned happily. She grabbed Rachel in a hug, and turned to yell at the kids that Rachel was at the door, but then remembered Janie was at the mall with Stacy and Danae and Artie and Tina picked up Todd and Logan so the boys could play with Sandy at the park. Artie and Tina’s little boy, Joseph, was not quite two years old, and therefore could not play with the other kids, although he tried.

“Hey,” Rachel greeted. She glanced around. “Where are the kids?”

“Out,” Quinn said, pulling Rachel inside. She shut the door. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

Rachel grinned. “I was kind of in the neighborhood.”

Quinn raised an eyebrow. Rachel looked too happy, which meant that her fathers were okay. If something were wrong with Paul or Alex, Rachel would be upset.

“You were just in the neighborhood, huh?”

Rachel shrugged. “Well, Philly. But less than an hour by plane,” Rachel said with a grin. “So here I am.”

“Philly?” Quinn frowned. “What were you doing in Philadelphia?”

Rachel shrugged again. “My little sister got married.” She grinned at Quinn. “I thought instead of going home, I’d come here.”

Quinn’s heart sank ever so slightly at the casual way Rachel referred to New York City as ‘home’ and Lima as ‘here.’

“Your little sister?” Quinn demanded.

“Yeah,” Rachel said. “Leah. You know, you met her once. Of course, when you met her she’s was about…” Rachel put her hand out to approximate where a small child’s head would come up to against her own body, “this tall. You know the one, looked a lot like me, daughter of my biological mother. My sister.”

Quinn stared at her and then scoffed. “I can’t believe you actually went,” she said. “She sends you a letter and an invitation out of the blue, and you just fall for it.”

“Wait a minute. I never told you about that,” Rachel said. “How did you know about that? Did you go through my stuff while you were visiting?” Rachel demanded.

Quinn scowled. “I did not go through your stuff. I was looking for a place to hide my note to you, and I was going to put it in your nightstand next to your vibrator, but I found that stupid letter instead!”

Rachel was initially stunned to hear Quinn say ‘vibrator’ although she really wasn’t sure why, because after so many years, they really had very little to hide from one another. And anyway, Quinn had bought that vibrator for her.

It was a tradition they had of leaving each other little notes and trinkets and hiding them in places each time they left one another. Every time Quinn would visit, regardless of whether or not it was with the kids, Rachel would find little notes and trinkets to her all around her apartment for weeks after Quinn was gone. When Rachel visited Quinn at home, she hid most of her notes and gifts in Quinn’s bedroom because they didn’t want the kids to find them. But it was just another way of stretching out the time they had together. It wasn’t that Quinn opened her nightstand, and it wasn’t even so much that she read the letter and looked at the wedding invitation, it was that Quinn never said she found those things.

“Why didn’t you say something?” Rachel asked.

“Because when I saw you hadn’t RSVP’d, I assumed you were smart enough to just ignore it, even if you kept the stupid thing instead of throwing it away like you should have!”

“I don’t understand what the big deal is, it was my little sister’s wedding and--”

“Little sister?!” Quinn interrupted. “Are you kidding me? Rachel, don’t you fucking see what these people are doing to you? They are still dicking you around. They conned you into paying for Amy’s funeral, they conned you into paying for the medical bills and they’re conning you now! At best, this kid conned you into getting her a really good wedding gift. At worst…who knows? How are you still so fucking stupid about this?”

“I’m not stupid,” Rachel said quietly.

“I didn’t say you were stupid,” Quinn snapped. “I said you were being stupid.”

“Why are you so mad?” Rachel asked softly. “I…I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I’m trying to protect you, you idiot! This girl is not your little sister. The only thing you share is some DNA and that doesn’t mean anything. Don’t you think it’s a little weird she never called you, never even tried to contact you until she needed money from you? And then, after you paid for Amy’s funeral and her stupid hospital bills, you don’t hear from this kid again until she’s conveniently getting married! And what happens when people get married? They get presents. Maybe, just maybe all this kid wants from you is for her rich, famous sister to give her some extravagant present!”

Rachel flinched at the way Quinn uttered the word ‘sister.’ It was so contemptuous and Rachel felt so stupid.

Rachel ducked her head. “We’ve been emailing and talking and--”

“You’re getting conned,” Quinn said flatly. “Put a stop to it.”

“I don’t think I am, I think she really wants--”

“I’m trying to protect you!”

“Well, don’t!” Rachel snapped. “It’s none of your business. It’s none of your concern. It doesn’t affect you. You aren’t a part of it!” she yelled. “She couldn’t possibly just want to be my sister, right?” she asked. “She couldn’t possibly just want a relationship with me because I’m somehow worth knowing, could she? No one could, right, Quinn? No one could ever really want me for me, my sister just wants me for my money, and everyone else just wants me to sing, or to act or to take a picture. But it would just be impossible for anyone to want to get to know me, wouldn’t it?”

“Rachel,” Quinn said softly. Rachel was almost bordering on hysteria, and so Quinn knew she’d just gone too far. “That’s not what I meant. But I really am trying to protect you. The timing is just too suspicious. You just…you put your trust in people too easily and then I see you get disappointed and it just kills me.”

Quinn knew that she’d been too harsh because Rachel was giving her that all too familiar wounded look, the one where Rachel lowered her head and refused to meet her eyes.

“This is different,” Rachel said quietly.

“Rach,” Quinn said gently. “I was there, remember? Amy was so mean to you. All she did was insult your dads down and put you down. And she never regretted it. Like when I saw her a few years ago and--”

“You saw her?” Rachel whispered. “When?”

Quinn winced. She’d hoped she could keep this from Rachel forever, but now it was already out in the open, and there was no way she could take it back.

“Rach,” Quinn said. “I just ran into her at the grocery store here in Lima. I guess she was visiting her family. It was New Years. She was a bitch. She was horrible. She still thought it was all about you and not about her, and we both know it was all her. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and--”

“What?” Rachel whispered.

“Rachel, Leah is Amy’s daughter and there’s a pretty good chance that Leah is just like Amy. There’s a pretty good chance you’re just being played.”

Rachel nodded slightly. “But I’m one of those apples.”

Quinn frowned. “What?”

“You just said that the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree. Well, maybe you’re right about that,” Rachel said. “I am just like Amy and--”

“You are nothing like her,” Quinn interrupted sharply. “Don’t you ever say that to me again because it is not true. If you ever compare yourself to her again, Rachel, I swear to God, I will scratch your eyes out.”

Rachel seemed not to hear. “I mean, personality wise, my mom and I both put people off, she was neurotic, just like me. She was always saying the wrong, inappropriate thing. She--”

“Stop it!” Quinn said. “You are nothing like her! Stop saying you are!”

Rachel sneered at her. “Then you haven’t been paying attention all these years,” she snapped. “I am just like Amy, and you just spent the last twenty minutes telling me what a horrible person she was and how her family is awful and how stupid I am for believing anyone could want to get to know me without an ulterior motive.”

“Rachel--”

“I already know that you find me fucking deficient, Quinn, okay? You don’t have to keep hammering it in. I know I’m an idiot. I know I’m stupid, okay? I know I’m a retard for thinking that maybe someone who isn’t obliged to love me like my dads could actually, you know, love me and want a relationship with me. But you couldn’t have just let me have it, could you? And if this thing with Leah blew up in my face, you couldn’t just let it, right? I want to believe that I could have a relationship with her, but you just….you couldn’t just give that to me, could you?”

“Rachel, what are you saying? What are you even talking about? Just…calm down, okay? Please? Come into the living room, we can sit down and we can get something to drink and talk and--”

“No,” Rachel said quietly. “I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to just calm down. I think I should just go,” she said, turning around. She took a few steps to the door and put her hand on the doorknob.

Quinn put her hand on Rachel’s back. “No, wait. Don’t just go,” she pleaded. “You just got here. Please, just come into the living room and sit down and talk to me.”

Rachel shook her head. “No. It was a mistake to even come here. I should have just gone home. I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I shouldn’t have just dropped in like this. I’m upset, and you’re upset and it was just so stupid to even come here and--”

“No! Don’t go. I’m happy you’re here. Please, Rachel. Please don’t leave.”

Rachel looked at her sadly. “I don’t want to be here anymore,” she said quietly. “I really think it’s better if I just go.”

“I just wanted to protect you!” Quinn exclaimed. “I’m sorry I upset you Rachel, but please don’t go. You just got here. I just didn’t want to see you get hurt. This family has hurt you so much and it just kills me when they hurt you, and they’ve been hurting you for years! And what are you talking about? I don’t find you deficient, and of course I know people love you just for being you. I just don’t want you to get hurt, or to get taken advantage of. But--”

Rachel put her hand up to silence Quinn. She didn’t want to hear any more. Rachel wanted to argue on her own behalf, but she found herself just too tired to do it. She was in her 30s, and she was just too tired to argue like this. She didn’t want to fight, she didn’t want to think or to explain herself, she didn’t want to hear Quinn talk anymore, at least, not about this subject.

“You’re right,” Rachel said quietly. “You’re right,” she repeated. She cleared her throat and shifted her feet. “I know you were just being…protective,” she said softly

“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, Rachel,” Quinn said softly hesitantly moving toward Rachel. She reached out with one arm and wrapped it around Rachel’s waist. “It just kills me when I see you sad,” she said softly. “And every time you deal with that family, you get so sad. You don’t have to see the look on your face every time they’ve hurt your feelings. But it just…” Quinn’s hand unconsciously hovered over her heart. “It just rips the heart out of me. Don’t set yourself up like this. Please don’t talk to any of them anymore,” Quinn pleaded. “They aren’t your family. We’re your family.”

Rachel couldn’t quite meet Quinn’s eyes. “I guess I was being stupid,” she mumbled. “And I don’t want to fight about this anymore. I’m only here until tomorrow and then I have to go back. You’re right. Let’s just…let’s go sit down and we can have a drink or something. Like you said.”

“Rachel, I--”

“I don’t want to talk right now, if that’s okay,” Rachel said softly.

Quinn wanted to talk. So much had just been said and the argument just spiraled and morphed into something completely different. It’d gone completely out of control, and for a moment there, before Rachel composed herself, it seemed like Rachel was going to break down. Further, Rachel did not seem like she wanted to stay and have a drink. Rachel looked like she wanted to bolt.

Quinn wanted to talk, but she knew it was futile to try and force a conversation with Rachel when Rachel did not want to talk. Rachel was incredibly stubborn that way, and in any case, Rachel always liked to pretend that everything was okay, and that she wasn’t bothered by things, even when she was. And apparently, now, Rachel was going to pretend that she was perfectly fine.

Rachel was withdrawn afterward and only seemed to liven up when the children came home. Jane came home first, and was immediately excited to see her. Then Artie and Tina brought the boys back, and Rachel greeted Artie and Tina happily, cooed over Sandy and Joseph and hugged Todd and Logan.

Once the children came home, Rachel’s attention was diverted to the children, and so they didn’t have a chance to talk much.

The kids were excited to see Rachel and Quinn just knew that her kids would never accept anyone in her life the way they accepted Rachel. Rachel had always just been there, almost from the moment each of them were born. Even with Logan, Rachel had always just been there as long as he could remember. And granted the children were not privy to their relationship, but Quinn just knew that if she tried to date someone else, her kids would never accept that person the way they just accepted Rachel as a member of their family.

Rachel could be scarce sometimes. She was extremely busy, and she was sometimes hard to reach, but any time one of the kids wanted to talk to her, it was guaranteed that even if Rachel didn’t answer the phone, she’d call back within a few hours. The kids were almost giddy to be around Rachel. Janie even came home early from shopping with her friends because Todd insisted that Janie should be called, even though Rachel protested and said to just leave Janie alone. Quinn couldn’t imagine Janie doing that for just anyone.

Dinner was a joint effort by Quinn and Rachel, with all three of the kids helping. The children typically did not help with dinner preparation, but apparently an impromptu visit from Rachel was enough to motivate the kids into helping and Quinn wondered what she would have to do to make Jane so eager to help chop vegetables, Todd to set the table and Logan to volunteer replenishing the napkin holder. Every time Rachel came, it was always a seamless adjustment-- she just fit in. At least, Quinn thought so.

But once dinner was eaten, homework glanced at, bedtime stories read and the lights in the children’s rooms turned off, Rachel was quiet again. Rachel had been cold and distant with her before-- but it’d been so long, Quinn forgot Rachel could be so closed off or distant, even when Rachel was physically right in front of her.

Rachel combed her hair while it was wet. Quinn watched as Rachel did this and hesitantly moved to stand behind Rachel. Rachel had been so quiet for hours and Quinn couldn’t stand the silence anymore. She wrapped her arms around Rachel’s waist and Rachel set her comb onto Quinn’s dresser.

“What’s up?”

Quinn rested her cheek against Rachel’s back.

“You’re angry with me,” Quinn said softly.

“No, I’m not,” she denied quietly.

“You’ve barely said a word to me,” Quinn said.

“We’re talking right now, Quinn.”

“You’re angry with me, and you just won’t admit it.”

Rachel pulled away to face Quinn. “I’m not angry,” she said quietly. “But I’m tired, and I’d like to maybe just go to bed if that’s okay with you.”

Quinn hesitated. She didn’t want to go to bed with the argument hanging over their heads. “Rach, maybe I…I was wrong about Leah. You have good instincts and if you think you can trust her, you…probably could. You know me, I just think everyone has an ulterior motive for everything. I just didn’t want to see your feelings get hurt again.”

Rachel looked glum “Well, you’re probably right anyway,” she said. “I mean, once I stopped to think about it, you made a lot of sense.”

“I don’t want to be right,” Quinn said softly. “I didn’t mean to hurt you or to imply that it was about you. I was just worried. You are so lovable. Of course any normal person would love you. But I just have my doubts about your…sister.”

Rachel chuckled ruefully. “Sister is a lot easier to say than “my dads’ surrogates’ daughter,” she admitted. She sighed wearily. “I don’t want you to be right either, but I’m really tired and I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m getting a headache. So let’s just go to bed, okay?”

“Okay,” Quinn agreed.

\---

The next day, Quinn spent the early part of the morning calling substitute teachers so she could play hooky from work until she had to drive Rachel to the airport. While Quinn made phone calls, Rachel made the children breakfast and got them ready for school.

The children went to school, despite the fact each pleaded to be allowed to stay home. Rachel would already be gone by the time the children came home from school and Quinn felt her chest hurt a little at the way the children seemed so sad to say goodbye to Rachel.

“We’ll see each other soon, guys,” Rachel promised. “It’s almost summer, and we always see each other in the summer time! And I’ll be home next month for Father’s Day!”

Rachel was still quiet, especially once the kids were gone.

Quinn was not an idiot. She could be occasionally self-involved, particularly and especially when it came to Rachel, but she was not a fool. But no matter how many times she asked if Rachel was okay, the answer was always an off-handed “sure.”

“Are you okay?” Quinn asked again, for the umpteenth time as they lounged on the couch only half-watching a morning talk show.

“Sure,” Rachel said absently. She chose that moment to begin thumbing through the magazine she picked up from the coffee table that she was holding in her hands. “Happy, even,” she smiled at Quinn. “I’m here with you. So I’m happy.”

“Are you?” Quinn asked quietly, because Rachel definitely did not sound happy. She sounded grim.

“Yeah,” Rachel said. “Of course. Aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Quinn said quietly.

Except she knew there was no way Rachel was happy.

Quinn was wearing a faded grey U2 t-shirt, and she’d waited all morning for Rachel to comment on it, but the brunette said nothing. They’d fought for years over the t-shirt. The t-shirt was so old, it started out black and now it was thin, faded and grey. They’d spent years arguing over the identity of the rightful owner. Rachel insisted the shirt belonged to her, and that she bought it whilst shopping during her freshman year at Julliard. Quinn insisted there was no way it was true, because she distinctly remembered trying it on in a store, feeling that it fitted nicely and that she had to have it. Rachel insisted Quinn’s memory was somewhat factually based-- but that clearly, Quinn tried on Rachel’s t-shirt, not in a shop. And always, it ended with Rachel asking “when did you wear a band t-shirt?” to which Quinn would always reply “well, when did you?” And of course, they’d spent years stealing it from one another and then accusing one another of stealing it.

And now Quinn was sitting next to her in that t-shirt Rachel insisted Quinn stole (except Quinn didn’t steal it from Rachel, because Rachel stole it from her, and Quinn would aver this on her death bed) and Rachel said nothing.

Things were not okay.

They watched TV in silence for a while, until the morning talk show was over. One of the main topics was the impending summer and the perfect signature drink for gatherings. Quinn thought it was ridiculous, but couldn’t help that she was a little fascinated with the idea of a berry and basil mojito.

Rachel cleared her throat. “Quinn,” she said softly, her voice trembling slightly.

“Yeah?”

“Quinn,” Rachel said softly. “I don’t think I’m going to come back anymore. And I don’t think you should come to me anymore either.”

Quinn stared at Rachel in shocked silence.

Rachel simply stared back at her, looking nervous, sad and apologetic all at the same time.

A few uncomfortable minutes passed before Quinn could finally speak again.

““What are you saying? What are you doing? Where is all this coming from?”

“Quinn,” Rachel said, her voice breaking a little. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“What are you doing? Why not?” Quinn whispered.

“Quinn…”

Their arrangement had worked for a long time-- when they were together, they were together, and when they were apart, they were apart. It worked because they lived so far away and had such different lives, but they could come together and play house for a while or just pretend for a while that they were really together. But playing house and pretending were always meant to be short-term and short-lived.

But it just didn’t work for Rachel anymore. She’d dated people, most of whom were perfectly nice and decent. In fact, most of them actually treated her better than Quinn treated her. And yet, she would always find a reason to keep the relationship from getting serious, and always, she would come back to Quinn. But it simply was not working for Rachel anymore. It wasn’t enough, and in fact, it was a relationship that had caused more harm than good, at least, when Rachel really thought about it.

It just hurt too much to keep doing it.

“What?” Quinn snapped. “Just spit it out.”

“I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this.” Rachel felt it was best to be blunt. After all the years doing what they did, it was better just to end things quickly.

“Why not?” Quinn demanded, her voice becoming terse and angry.

“I just don’t want to do this anymore,” Rachel said quietly. “We need to end this. Today. Right now. What we’ve been doing all these years is sick, Quinn. We should have put a stop to this years ago. We never should have even started this. We should have just stayed apart,” Rachel said, suddenly eerily calm. “You and I both deserve better and more importantly, the kids deserve better. They may not know anything about…us, but it’s bound to confuse them eventually”

“It’s not ‘sick’,” Quinn said defensively. “We haven’t done anything wrong. I love you and I thought you loved me. What were we doing that was so bad?” Quinn whispered. “Why is it ‘sick’?” she asked, wounded by Rachel’s word choice.

“You love me?” Rachel demanded. “Are you kidding me?” she asked. “What in the past 16 years we’ve known each other would give anyone the impression we’re in love?” she asked. “You don’t love me. You don’t want to be with me--”

“Rachel! What the hell are you talking about, how can you even say--”

“Just shut up for once, Quinn,” Rachel snapped. “Let me talk!”

Quinn was stung. In all the years they’ve known each other, Rachel had never told her to ‘shut up’. At least, not like that, not in a way that Rachel clearly meant it.

“Rach, you’ve never told me to--”

“You don’t want to be with me,” Rachel whispered, her voice suddenly so timid and sad, that Quinn felt her hurt and anger at being told to ‘shut up’ momentarily drain away. “If you’d actually wanted to be with me, we’d be together,” she said quietly. “I mean, I shouldn’t be mad at you, because you were giving me all these signs, you kept telling me our lives were too different to intersect, so I shouldn’t move back to Lima.”

“Rachel,” Quinn cut in. “Of course I want us to be together, but--”

Rachel kept talking as though Quinn never said anything. “You kept saying it was because of my career, but I’ve told you how that doesn’t matter to me., so I know you know I would have moved back to be with you and the kids. You didn’t want to move to New York, because you said you couldn’t leave Lima, but you hated Lima as much as I did. And you know all the kids are going to want to leave Lima, eventually, because we all do. You told me you didn’t want to do this forever, that eventually I’d meet someone and you would, too, when the kids got older. You criticize me all the time. You don’t seem all that happy to be with me. I mean, I get it okay. What I don’t get is why you even kept doing this with me.”

“Rachel, what are you talking back? Where is this coming from? I mean, I thought you were okay, and you’re just saying all this stuff and none of it’s true.”

“My sister got married,” Rachel said.

It was such a non-sequitur that Quinn had no idea where Rachel was going with it.

“My kid sister. She’s a kid,” Rachel said. “She’s 22. I’m going to be 32 and I’ve been doing this…this thing with you since we were sixteen and you were never really going to be with me--”

“Rachel--”

“No! I’m always telling you, that if that’s what you want, then it’s okay and fine by me. But it’s not anymore. If you found me so deficient and lacking, you should have just cut me loose years ago. Instead, I’ve just hung around you like an idiot. I mean, I’m an idiot!”

“Rachel,” Quinn began. “I don’t--”

“I can’t do this anymore,” Rachel said softly. “You don’t want to be with me anyway, or else we’d be together and half the time, I’m not even really sure you love me.”

“Of course I love you,” Quinn snapped desperately. “We’ve been friends for years! You’re… you’re my favorite grownup in the whole world!”

Rachel paused at Quinn’s usage of the word ‘grownup’ and felt a wave of affection, because God, Quinn Fabray was such a mom. But she was still Quinn Fabray. It was just perverse, what they’d been doing all these years and one of them had to stop it.

“Quinn, sweetheart,” and Rachel hated herself for the endearment, because Quinn did not use endearments with her, but she couldn’t resist using it. “You were right. You’re always right. Our lives are very different, and--”

“Oh, so I guess your big New York Broadway life is just more important, isn’t it? I knew it was, that was the whole point! That’s why I didn’t want you moving here!” Quinn shouted. God, she felt like such a fucking baby. She was 32 years old, and here she was, whining like some jealous kid.

“You don’t love me,” Rachel repeated quietly. “You love that I’m here for you, you love that you and the kids always have somewhere to stay when you come here, you love that I love the kids, but you don’t love me.”

“Don’t tell me how I feel, Berry. Don’t you fucking dare tell me how I feel. Don’t you dare say that I don’t love you. Don’t you dare even think it! I gave up what I wanted so you--”

Rachel heaved a soft sigh. “What you wanted? You didn’t want to be with me,” she said quietly. “When I left for school, I said you and Janie should come with me, but you said there was no way we could live like that. When we finished college, I said you should live with me, but you said you needed to stay there and get on your feet financially. For a while I thought…once you left your folks, you’d come here, but you didn’t want to. I have offered to move out there. I have asked you to move here. And you didn’t want to, because you just don’t want to be with me. You don’t lo--”

“Rachel, I swear to God if you say I don’t love you one more time--”

“Okay, okay,” Rachel said softly, placating Quinn. “I know. I know you love me,” she said quietly. “But you don’t make me feel loved all that often, and I don’t know, I’m not so great or anything, but I kind of figure there might be someone out there who will tell me they love me, and you know, actually want me around more often than not..”

Quinn felt the air exit her body at that.

“How can you say any of that to me?” Quinn whispered.

“Quinn,” Rachel sighed. “You’re a good person, a good teacher and a great mom. We don’t need to stay friends for you to prove that.”

“Have you met someone?” Quinn asked quietly. There were a multitude of possibilities going through her mind, but that was the one she fixated on.

Rachel gave a low chuckle. “Of course not,” she said softly “There will never be another you,” she murmured.

“Well, that much is true,” Quinn joked weakly. “Rachel, is this because of what I said about your sister? Because I apologized for that. And if I made you feel like people only want you because you’re successful or famous or whatever, then I’m so sorry, because it’s not true. But I don’t even know where all of this is coming from!”

“It’s not over Leah,” Rachel said quietly. “It’s been sort of building up for a long time, Quinn. And I think I just realized we need to end this.”

“No,” Quinn whispered. “No, don’t do this. We don’t need to end anything. We need to talk about this. Talk to me. Be honest with me. Did you meet someone? What happened? We were okay yesterday, you wanted to do this yesterday when you came to visit. How could this change? Just tell me. I--”

“No,” Rachel whispered, shaking her head. “I don’t want to get into this again. We’re always getting in to this. We need to stop!”

“Rachel, wait. Just listen to me. I--”

“I just can’t do it anymore. It doesn’t feel good. I just keep feeling bad all the time and I’m sorry, but…” Rachel sighed. “I’m really tired of it. And I’m tired of trying to make you see that we’d be okay. It really doesn’t matter to me where we live, or what we do. It was just more important to me that we were together. But that’s not important to you, and that’s okay. It’s not your fault. You feel how you feel, and I can’t make you feel something you don’t, but I don’t think I can do this anymore. Not like this.”

“Rachel, let me talk. I--”

“No,” Rachel interrupted. “Don’t talk to me. Don’t say anything. One of us has to do this, and it might as well be me.” Rachel took a deep breath. “I don’t think it’s a good idea if we talk anymore. The kids can call me whenever they want, and we’ll figure something out with that if you’re okay with me talking to them. But we shouldn’t talk. This isn’t working-- being with you for a few weeks every year, it’s just not enough anymore. We need to walk away from this.”

“Rachel! Give me a second to talk. I need to explain to you what--”

“No,” Rachel said. “I think we just need to just cut it off. You know, that whole Band-Aid thing. I should go,” Rachel said. “I’ll get myself to the airport. I should definitely go. I’m going to get my stuff. I’m already packed. I’m going to change, and then I’m going to go.”

Rachel got up and walked toward Quinn’s bedroom, leaving the blonde on the couch, in shock. She sat there for a few minutes, frowning and rubbing her face in frustration, trying to grasp what just happened. But she had no idea. She had no idea how Rachel could say all those things to her in her own damn house and then just walk away. She took a few minutes to recollect herself and then Quinn stomped to the bedroom where Rachel was getting dressed.

Rachel was trying to put on a pair of jeans and stopped when Quinn came into the room. She stared at Quinn.

“How the hell can you make yourself out to be the victim in all this?” Quinn demanded.

“That’s not what I meant, I--”

“You are so incredibly selfish, do you know that? What, you just get to decide everything about us?”

“Quinn, I--”

“No. No! You said what you had to say, so I get to say my part! You say that I don’t love you? Well, you’re a bitch, Rachel Berry,” Quinn said, as she began to sob. She stalked to where Rachel was standing and stood inches away from the brunette.

Feeling vulnerable as she was half bent over to put on her jeans, Rachel straightened, her jeans still in her hands.

\--

“Quinn…”

“No, this time, you shut up,” Quinn snapped. Their difference in height allowed for Quinn to stare down at Rachel, her eyes glowering at the brunette.

Some part of Quinn told herself to back off, that she was just too angry and hurt and that this would not end well. She told herself she was thirty two years old and that she should have enough self-control to walk away from an argument that was becoming increasingly more volatile. But this argument had been building up for so long, Quinn could not force herself to walk way.

“I could have asked you to stay in Lima. I could have said, sure, Rachel, stay in Lima, put off Julliard, and in a couple of years, I’ll transfer to a school over there, and thenyou can go to Julliard, but I never did.” Quinn said. “I never did, because I knew how much you hated Lima, and how much you wanted to go to Julliard, because it was your dream and I wanted you to have it. I didn’t want you to get stuck with me. If you’d stayed with me in Lima, you would still be here and you wouldn’t have had Julliard, and you wouldn’t have that life you seem to love so much. You love to sing, you love to perform. You love that you have everything you wanted. And now you think that I didn’t want to be with you?!” Quinn yelled.

Rachel’s eyes widened. “Quinn, I don’t care about any of that. I--”

“But you did!” Quinn yelled. “That was what you cared about, that was what you wanted!”

“I wanted you!”

“No!” Quinn exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. “You were so eager to get out of Lima. You told me back when we were in school together, you said that once you got out of here, you were never coming back! And you never gave any indication you’d ever really want to. You never gave any indication that you really wanted to give up New York and Broadway and that big important life you built for yourself-- none of which has included me, by the way! You act like it’s going to be such a big sacrifice! Well, I don’t want you to sacrifice, stupid!”

“I never meant for you to feel like I was--”

“Shut up!” Quinn yelled. “I let you talk, so let me fucking talk, Rachel! I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be together. I wanted to raise my kids with you, but you were always going on about how you didn’t want kids, how you’d be a shitty mother. And no matter what I said, no matter what I did, nothing ever changed your mind. You wanted the life you have now. You wanted it. And I wanted you to have you wanted more than I wanted to get what I wanted. I don’t fit into your life.”

“Yes, yes, you do,” Rachel whispered. “Of course you--”

“You cut me out of the most basic parts of your life, Rachel! Did you tell me when Alex got diagnosed with Parkinson’s? No. My mom told me who heard it from Brittany’s mom. When you broke your pelvis, did you even bother to call me? Did you even let anyone call me? No, I had to read about it in a fucking newspaper and see video footage of you falling off a building. And I had to see you lying there, crying and almost bleeding to death because you burst the artery in your leg. If they hadn’t fixed it, you would have had to amputate it, Rachel! And you still wouldn’t let someone call me?!”

“Quinn,” Rachel said softly. “I explained it to you when--”

“Don’t give me that,” Quinn said, sneering at Rachel. “Don’t you dare say it was because you thought I loved you too much to be able to make the hard choice. That’s bullshit, because it’s obvious you don’t think I loved you at all. You didn’t introduce me to your friends-- Cassie was the one who emailed me about your birthday party. You just cut me out of all the basic parts of your life, it’s no wonder I don’t fit in! You made sure I didn’t! And I have kids, I have to be home by a certain time, I have to make dinner, I have to help with homework and make sure their teeth are brushed. You get to have happy hour with friends and parties and premieres, and I wanted that for you because you wanted it! And I wanted you to have everything you wanted so bad that I gave up what I wanted. So don’t you dare ever tell me that I don’t love you, or that I didn’t want to be with you.”

“Quinn,” Rachel said quietly, trying to retreat. “Maybe we should just talk about this another day. You’re really upset and--”

“No,” Quinn said curtly. “You started this. You wanted this conversation, so here we are. So why don’t you tell me again, how I don’t love you. Why don’t you tell me again how I didn’t want to be with you? Come on, Rachel. Say it. If that’s how you felt all these years, then I guess you have a lot to be resentful for, don’t you? So you must want to say it again.”

“Quinn,” Rachel said softly. “I’m sorry. I should have said anything. I didn’t mean it. I--”

“Yes, you did mean it,” Quinn snapped. She grabbed Rachel by the shoulders, which caused Rachel to drop her jeans. Some part of that registered in Quinn’s mind, but she ignored it. “Yes, you did, or else you wouldn’t have said it. So say it again. Say it!”

Rachel tried to pull away. “Quinn, no. I--”

“Just say it!” Quinn screamed into Rachel’s face, holding onto Rachel even harder because the brunette was trying to squirm away. “Say it to me again. You were just so eager to say it a few minutes ago, Rachel. So why don’t you say it to me again. I’m begging you to say it. Go ahead, I know you feel it. And you don’t have to be intimidated or scared to say it, because I’m telling you it’s okay. So say it. Tell me how horrible I’ve been for just stringing you along, Rachel. Come on, tell me. Tell me again how I don’t love you, how I don’t want to be with you. Say it!”

Rachel shrank away, feeling vulnerable because she was half-dressed, and afraid because while she routinely made Quinn angry, she’d never seen Quinn so hurt and enraged. Quinn was the one who had a short temper-- she was much more likely to be the one to get angry. She let her temper out and then she was more or less over it. She didn’t scream into someone’s face like this. Rachel knew herself well enough to know that she was the one more capable of rage, not Quinn-- she was the one who would do something stupid and mean just because she was feeling impetuous. To see Quinn so full of rage was frightening.

“Quinn, stop. Please. Just stop--”

“You started this, Rachel,” Quinn said. “You were the one that brought all of this up. Not me. What’s the matter? You can’t take it? You--”

“Stop,” Rachel pleaded. “Please stop,” she begged. She squirmed. “Let go of me, please,” she said trying to pull away.

Quinn’s eyes widened and she released a soft gasp as she realized Rachel was trying physically to get away from her and her hands were holding onto Rachel, squeezing into her so tightly that her knuckles were white. Quinn immediately removed her hands from Rachel. She swallowed hard. “Rachel,” she whispered, feeling so contrite that she knew she would start crying any moment now. “Rach, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

“No. Stop. Don’t apologize.” Rachel interrupted quietly. “I was wrong, okay? I get it. I was wrong. And I’m so sorry about what I said to you. You’re right, I was being selfish. I never thought about…what you were giving up. But I was right about something.”

“And what’s that?” Quinn whispered.

“This relationship has done more harm than good. We need to stop. We need to end this. Right now. Today. I can’t take it. You can’t take it. All this did was hurt us, both of us.”

Quinn swallowed hard. “You’re right.”

Rachel picked up her jeans and pulled them on. “We are so bad for each other,” she said quietly.

“Do you really mean that?” Quinn asked softly.

Rachel sighed. “I do.” She sat down on the ground and Quinn followed suit. Rachel covered her head with her arms. “Damn it,” Rachel whispered softly.

Quinn stared at Rachel and then swallowed back the lump that rose in her throat. “Let me see your arms,” Quinn said quietly.

“What?” Rachel said. “No, I’m--”

Quinn gently took her by the elbow and rolled up the shirt Rachel was wearing. She was relieved to see that there was no redness or bruising from the way she grabbed Rachel. Her hands hurt from how hard she grabbed Rachel and she’d been worried she’d somehow harmed the brunette.

Quinn sighed with relief.

“It didn’t hurt,” Rachel said softly. “Come on, we’ve never been like that. We never will be.”

Quinn chose to ignore that, at least, for the moment. “Did you mean it?” Quinn asked. “Being with me, it’s made you feel this bad? It doesn’t feel good? You’re this unhappy?”

Rachel swallowed hard. “We’re not together. We haven’t been for years. We’ve just been doing…I don’t even know what we’re doing. But we’re not together.”

Quinn’s eyes welled with tears. “Why are you saying that to me? I felt like we were together.”

Rachel cupped Quinn’s cheek. “No, you didn’t,” she said gently. “Don’t you remember? You told me you weren’t planning on doing this forever. You were going to meet someone better once the kids got older.”

Quinn’s eyes widened. “I never said someone better!” she said. “I would never have said that to you. And I was only saying it because you kept talking about giving up your career! And I can’t let you do that!” She moved in closer to Rachel, her arms wrapping around Rachel’s shoulders. “But I didn’t mean it. I always planned that we’d be together!”

Rachel chuckled sadly. “But we’re not together,” she said. “We’re not a couple.” She hugged Quinn and then pulled away. “So let me ask you again,” she said, peering into Quinn’s face. “What if I moved back here?” she asked. “Fuck New York, fuck Broadway. Fuck going to parties. Fuck all of it. I’ll move back here and it’ll be me and you and the kids. What about it?”

Quinn sighed shakily. “I can’t let you give it up,” she said. “I know that’s not what you really want.”

Rachel groaned. “Quinn, you--”

“You’ll hate it here!” Quinn said, rushing to explain. “And you’ll miss the life you have now. And then you’ll resent me for it. And I couldn’t stand that. Or maybe we just won’t work out. People break up all the time What if you move here and we break up? You would have given all that up, and you’ll wish you hadn’t! It would have been for nothing! And maybe you won’t be able to get that life back, and maybe you’re going to feel like you gave it up for nothing. And you’ll just hate me. And it will kill me if you hate me. You stopped talking to me for a summer and I wanted to die. I don’t know if I can take it if you hated me because I made you move back here.”

“Then move to New York. Move in with me. We’ll just get a bigger space.”

Quinn’s eyes closed anguished. “I can’t do that, either! If it were just me, that’s one thing. I could teach anywhere. But I can’t just uproot the kids. And what if it doesn’t work out between us? Then I would have uprooted the kids’ life. My life and--”

Rachel gently put her hand on Quinn’s lips. “See, for me, it would be worth it,” she said quietly. “Because when it came to us, I always thought it would be worth it, even if we didn’t work out. And I wouldn’t have thought of it as giving it up for nothing, I would have just thought about it as having a little faith.”

“Why can’t we just keep doing what we’ve been doing?” Quinn pleaded. “It hasn’t been enough for me either. I wish we could be together all the time like a normal couple. But this has worked! We talk all the time. We see each other every few months, and isn’t it good when we do? Isn’t it so good? Why can’t that be enough? We’ve been doing this for so long! It kind of works for us!”

Rachel sighed. “It’s not enough for me,” she said sadly. “I wish it were, but it’s not. You don’t know how much I wish it were enough. I know you love me. I get it now, I do. But listen to what you’re saying and really think about it. I’d move here. I’d stay here right now and never step foot in New York City again. I don’t have anything there that is so important to me that I’d go back for it. I will stay the rest of my life here and be perfectly happy doing it, if you’d just say you believe me when I say I want to, and that you think we’re going to be okay. You don’t have to make any promises, just tell me you think we’re going to be okay!”

Rachel always believed she would be okay, professionally speaking. She was confident in her talent and she would pretty much do anything short of something illegal or unethical to achieve her dreams. She always believed she would make it, partly because she needed to make it so desperately.

But in terms of having a family and a personal life and all that stuff, Rachel was never confident about that, even with Quinn. Rachel never deluded herself into thinking she would have a huge circle of friends, or a phone that never stopped ringing. She never felt like she would be the girl who was on everyone’s holiday card list or party invitation roster. But she always wanted to be important to someone.

But some part of her had always known she’d end up on her own, and it was highly unlikely any would care if she lived or died, or if she were healthy or sick. When her biological mother’s daughter told her that their mother died from breast cancer and carried the gene, Leah recommended Rachel get screened for it. But Rachel never had, because she really didn’t see the point in it. She didn’t really have anyone to live for, and she was fairly certain by the time she had to worry about it, both her fathers would be gone. Neither of them were in particularly good health.

“Rachel--”

“Say it,” Rachel pleaded. “Tell me you believe me when I say I want to move back, and tell me you think it’s going to be okay.”

“Rachel, please don’t make me--”

“That’s what I thought,” Rachel said softly, raising her hands in the air in defeat. She chuckled sadly. “When it came to us, I always did sort of walk by faith, not by sight,” she said quietly. “But not you. You never really had any faith, not in me and not in us.”

Quinn frowned. She recognized that verse from second Corinthians immediately. “What does the Bible have to do with--”

“In my heart, I wanted us to be okay,” Rachel said. “And if you believed it, I would have believed it.” Rachel smiled self-deprecatingly. “I guess I kind of still need the approval of other people to feel better about myself. Your approval,” she said with a sad chuckle. “I really needed you to believe we could be okay,” Rachel whispered. “But you don’t.”

“Rachel, please don’t go,” Quinn begged.

“Then tell me I can stay.”

“Rachel, don’t be like this. We can work this out. Let’s just make things go back to normal. That will be okay, it’s been proven to work!”

“I have to go. It’s time for me to leave anyway,” Rachel said, wiping at her eyes. She stood up. “I’m going to leave,” Rachel said again.

“Don’t go, not like this. Can’t you extend your stay for another day? We could talk more.”

Rachel shook her head. “I don’t see the point in talking anymore. I’m all talked out.” She sniffed. “I think,” she said gently, “that you probably do love me. But I think it’s pretty obvious you don’t want me in the long run. If I make it to an incontinent dotage, I would have wanted you to be incontinent and doddering with me. But you don’t want that with me. I’m offering that to you right now, and you’re saying no. And you’re saying ‘no’ because you don’t really want it, and that’s okay. But I need to be with someone who will actually want to be in the same state with me. I think if you really thought about it, it’s not me you want. You’re just too scared to be with anyone else.”

“That’s not true.”

“I think it is,” Rachel said. She took a deep breath. “I need to go, and I don’t think you and I should talk anymore.”

“You’re just leaving me. You’re leaving the kids. You’re really doing this.”

“I can still be a part of the kids’ life, if you want me to be,” Rachel said softly. “But I can’t be a part of yours like this anymore.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” Quinn whispered. “I don’t want you to go.”

“You don’t want me to stay either,” Rachel said sadly. “I’m just going to go, okay?” Rachel said, picking up her duffel bag and backing away cautiously.

“Don’t go.”

“I’m going to go, okay?” Rachel repeated. She started at Quinn, challenging her.

Quinn looked away. “Okay,” Quinn said, her voice cracking. She was resigned to this now.

“Well, then, there we go. I’m leaving.” Rachel swallowed hard. “I’m sorry,” Rachel said softly.

Quinn bowed her head. “Me too,” she said wearily.

Rachel looked at Quinn. “I mean it. When I say goodbye, I really mean it.”

Quinn swallowed hard. “If I let you move back here, you would be saying it and meaning it eventually anyway.”

Rachel sighed. “Then it doesn’t matter we’re getting over with it now.”

Rachel left and Quinn remained seated on the floor. By the time Quinn finally had the energy to get up, she realized that Rachel was truly gone.

\--

Later that night, once the kids had gone to bed, Quinn sat morosely on the couch watching television. Jane wandered into the living room.

“Hey mom,” Jane said, taking a seat next to Quinn on the couch.

“Hey daughter,” Quinn said softly. “What’s up?”

Jane shrugged. “Nothing. I couldn’t sleep. So I came in here to watch TV.”

Quinn passed the remote control to Jane. “Something on your mind?” she asked.

“No,” Jane said. “I just, you know, couldn’t sleep.”

Quinn smiled sympathetically. “I know how that is.”

Jane seemed to hesitate before she spoke. “Mom?”

“Yeah, sweetheart?”

“I’m…I’m sure if you just told aunt Rachel you were sorry for whatever it is that you said to make her mad, she’d forgive you.”

Quinn paused. “What are you talking about?”

“I heard you and aunt Rachel arguing,” Jane admitted. “Today.”

Quinn felt blood drain out of her face. “What?”

“I ditched second period because I wanted to come home and say bye to aunt Rachel.” Jane’s cheeks flushed. “I heard you guys yelling at each other. I didn’t stay,” she added hastily. “Honest. It made me really…” she cleared her throat. “Uncomfortable to hear you guys fighting like that.”

“What did you hear?” Quinn asked quietly. This moment she’d dreaded for so long.

“Nothing I didn’t already know about,” Jane said softly. “Mom…I…I know about you and aunt Rachel, and it’s okay. It’s not big deal.”

Quinn’s cheeks flushed. “Janie, I don’t know what you heard, but I think you have the wrong impression and--”

“Mom, you guys share a bed whenever we visit each other. I know about it.”

Whenever Rachel came over, Quinn always made a big show of giving up her bedroom to sleep on the couch and she generally made it onto the couch before the kids woke up. When Quinn and the kids visited Rachel, Quinn tried to make sure she was sleeping in the dining room on a sleeping bag before Janie woke up, since Janie always took the couch in the adjoining living room. Quinn and Rachel thought they’d been able to get away with it.

“Jane…”

“You don’t always wake up before me,” Jane said.

Quinn took a shuddering breath. “Jane, this isn’t a conversation I am prepared to have with my 16 year old daughter.”

“Well, this isn’t really something I wanted to talk about with my mother, either,” Jane said. “I mean, you and my godmother?” Jane shuddered slightly. “And I call her aunt Rachel. It’s almost incestuous.”

“I think I need to buy you a dictionary, Janie.”

Jane grinned at her, and then became serious again. “Mom, I really want to leave Lima eventually. The sooner the better. And I know Todd and Logan will want to leave when they get older. And they’re kids, so what the hell does it matter? Plus, you want to leave, so what’s the problem? I think it’d be cool to move in with aunt Rachel. I mean, we see her a lot anyway, and I always thought it was kind of like with other families where the dad or the mom traveled a lot.”

“Jane, there’s a lot more to it than that. I’m your mother and I made a choice, okay? We’re staying here.”

“But why?” Jane asked insistently. “I mean, I’m 16, and I’m still the girl whose mom got pregnant at 16! I don’t like this place!”

“Jane, your friends are here. Your school is here and--”

“They don’t have schools in New York?”

“Jane, I am not justifying myself to my 16 year old daughter. I made a choice, and we’re going to live with it. Now go to bed!”

Jane stood up. “Fine,” she huffed.

Quinn watched her daughter leave and groaned. She rubbed her face and threw the remote control away from her. “Fuck.”

\--

It was about three weeks later that she got the call from Santana. There was no hello, no how are you.

“Quinn, you better fix this thing with Rachel, because it’s really beginning to affect my relationship,” Santana said in lieu of a greeting.

“What?” Quinn mumbled.

“Fix your relationship with Rachel! It’s being a real downer with Brit and me.”

“Why?” Quinn asked sardonically. “Have you lost hope for your future because you no longer have us as a role model?”

“Please.” Santana snorted. “You guys are role models? If we used you guys are role models, Brittany and I would both be single, and one of us would probably be dead or something. You know from, like, falling off a building or something.”

“She fell off a prop tower,” Quinn corrected mildly. “And don’t you ever tell her I said that. As far as she’s concerned, I still insist she fell off a building.”

“Whatever,” Santana said. “Just fix it!”

“I don’t get why you guys are having problems because Rachel and I…broke up. Are you sure we weren’t your role models?” she teased. She wasn’t sure if it could still be called breaking up, if you weren’t together in the first place.

“No.” Santana said bluntly. “You guys are role models on how not to be in a relationship.”

“Well what is it then? Are you, like fighting over us? Do you guys feel like you have to take sides or something?” Quinn joked. “I get custody of you guys!”

“Well, we don’t want to get t-shirts made or anything, but…”

“Wait a minute. But what?” Quinn demanded. “I get custody of you guys!”

Santana sighed. “Brittany’s on your side, since technically, you’re the one who got broken up with, and you know how Brittany always takes the side of the person who got dumped.”

“I did not get dumped.”

“You got dumped.”

“Wait a minute, so you’re on Rachel’s side? You don’t even like Rachel.”

“No, I don’t like Rachel, but I do love Rachel, and if you ever tell her that, I’ll convert Brittany to being on my side against you. And let’s face it, if you guys fought, it was probably your fault. You’re meaner than she is.”

“Well, you’re meaner than Brittany.”

“Yes. I am,” Santana said. “What of it?”

“It was not my fault,” Quinn huffed. “And I can’t believe you’re on Rachel’s side.”

“I’m having a hard time believing it, too,” Santana said. “But Rachel was moping the entire time she was here and--”

“Rachel visited?” Quinn asked. “How did she look? Did she talk about me? Why was she even there?”

“She did a guest spot for some TV show,” Santana said. “I forget which. And she looked okay. Skinny, though. She lost weight, and you know that girl always loses weight when she gets depressed. Like when you Slushied her.”

Quinn flinched. “You still remember that?”

Of course Santana did, and Quinn knew it. Their relationship was never quite the same after that. Santana never seemed to quite trust her again. It was the same with Brittany.

“It was incredibly fucked up of you, Quinn. So yes. I remember it.”

“Did she talk about me?”

“No,” Santana said honestly. “She didn’t.”

“Oh,” Quinn said quietly

“But she didn’t say much, period,” Santana said. “I hardly even knew she was here.”

In the background, Quinn could hear Brittany yell something, but it was unintelligible. Santana and Brittany bickered for a few moments and then Brittany came on the line.

“Rachel did say some girl had your shirt,” Brittany said.

“What?”

“Rachel saw some girl wearing a U2 shirt, and she said that girl had your shirt.”

Some tiny part of herself was triumphant, because finally, Rachel admitted that it was Quinn’s shirt. But mostly, she just wanted more information.

“What else did she say?” Quinn asked eagerly.

“Um, that was it,” Brittany said blankly. .

“But what did she say?”

“She said, ‘that girl has Quinn’s shirt,’” Brittany deadpanned.

“Just like that?”

“Yeah,” Brittany said.

“Oh,” Quinn sighed.

“If you want to talk to her, you should just call her.”

“She doesn’t want to talk to me,” Quinn lamented.

“Well, that’s true,” Brittany said.

“Thanks a lot!” Quinn exclaimed.

“But she doesn’t.”

Quinn heard Santana address Brittany. “Brittany, honey. I’m the one that keeps it real. You’re the nice one.”

“I’m sure Rachel will talk to you,” Brittany said helpfully. “She won’t hang up on you.”

“That’s better,” Santana was heard telling Brittany encouragingly.

Brittany and Santana bickered for a few minutes and Quinn could distinctly hear a whine in Santana’s voice before Brittany came back on the line.

“Rach is just hurt, but I’m sure if you call her, she’ll want to talk to you again.”

“Yeah, right,” Quinn scoffed. “And I thought you were on my side, why are you defending her?”

“Well, I’m on your side because you’re the one who got dumped.”

“I didn’t get dumped.”

“You got dumped!” Brittany said.

Quinn also heard Santana shouting in the background. “You got dumped!”

“I didn’t get dumped!” Quinn exclaimed. “There’s just no way to be together.”

“Why not?” Brittany asked, sounding confused.

“Because we--” Quinn trailed off. “I don’t want to get into this again. It’s beating a dead horse.”

“Well, if you had things perfect then what would happen? Brittany asked.

Quinn frowned. “Did you just miracle question me?”

“What?” Brittany asked.

“You totally miracle questioned me!”

“Are you talking about mayonnaise?”

“Miracle question!”

“Miracle Whip?”

“Brittany!”

“Quinn?”

Back when Janie was first born, Quinn took parenting classes and individual counseling at Helping Hands, a non-profit organization designed to help pregnant and parenting teenagers. She’d only gone through the counseling because it meant free daycare, but Quinn had to admit, it’d helped to have someone to talk to who was neutral. One of the things her counselor asked her was the so-called “Miracle Question” in which Quinn had to describe her ideal situation, what her life would look like if she could have everything just the way she wanted, if things like money or rationality weren’t really factors. In other words, how would her life look if she could have a miracle and her life were perfect?

Back then, all she wanted were parents who at least acted like they loved her again, who trusted her and didn’t treat her like she was an untrustworthy black sheep to be shunned forever and ever. She wished for a healthy baby, a good college education, she wished Finn would forgive her, and for Puck to be a good father. She wanted a good relationship with Jane, and she wanted to stay in love with Rachel Berry.

Back then, those goals seemed so impossible, Quinn really believed it would take a miracle. Her relationship with her parents never got to where she wanted it to be, but she was okay with that. That was still something she wished for, but it wasn’t part of her vision of a perfect life anymore. She got a healthy baby-- three of them. She got a decent college education and had finished paying off her college loans years ago, because her parents helped pay for it. Finn forgave her, and Puck was a good father. She had a pretty good relationship with Jane, most of the time. And she was still in love with Rachel Berry.

For her sixteen year old self, she’d almost achieved a miracle.

Quinn spent a moment explaining to Brittany that no, she didn’t mean mayonnaise and she wasn’t hungry and explained the concept of the miracle question to the best of her ability to remember it. Her counselor at Helping Hands asked her that question to formulate a plan to achieve her dreams and Quinn had to admit, it’d sort of helped at the time. She didn’t think it’d work now.

Brittany sounded even more bewildered. “I don’t think I understand. How is moving considered a miracle? They have boxes and U-Haul trucks.” Brittany chuckled. “And since we like girls, U-Hauls make sense.”

Quinn laughed. “It’s not about moving that’s the miracle. It’s…it’s you know, being able to move. That’s the miracle.”

“Is it the money?” Brittany asked. “Moving can be expensive. Santana and I can lend you some money.”

“No, we can’t! Lending money to friends is a bad idea!” Santana yelled out.

“Is she listening to this entire thing?” Quinn demanded. “Are you guys on your landline? Tell her she might as well just get on the other phone.”

There was a few moments of frenzied whispering and then Quinn heard a tiny click and Santana was on the phone.

“We’re not lending you money,” Santana said. “I love you, but it’s a bad idea.”

Quinn was exasperated. “I don’t want your money.”

“Good,” Santana said, sounding pleased.

“Yes, we will,” Brittany said.

“No, we won’t.”

“Yes, we will,” Brittany said sweetly.

There was a moment of silence on Santana’s side and then she sighed. “Fine,” she grumbled. “We’ll lend you the money to make the move.”

“I don’t need money!” Quinn exclaimed. “You think I’d let money get in my way with Rachel?” she demanded.

“Then what the fuck is the problem?” Santana demanded. “You can afford to move, there are schools in New York for the kids, you can teach anywhere and everyone wants to get out of Lima!”

“There’s more to it than that,” Quinn said defensively. “I can’t make my kids move. What if it doesn’t work out? Then we’ll just be fucked.”

“Well, I hope you didn’t tell Rachel that,” Santana said.

“Um…”

“Wait to go making Berry feel worthless, Quinn,” Santana said, rolling her eyes. “If I’d said something like that to Brittany--”

“You’d have to sleep on the sofa,” Brittany interjected.

“I know, Brit.”

“The uncomfortable one.”

“I know, Brit,” Santana repeated.

“You guys have an uncomfortable couch?” Quinn asked, confused.

Santana heaved a sigh. “I tried to get rid of it,” she said. “I even put it out on the street thinking someone would get it. I mean, it looks nice, but then Brittany--”

“It just looked so sad by itself on the street,” Brittany cut in, her voice sounding almost sad at the memory of the sad couch.

“Sofas can’t look sad, Brittany. They’re sofas!”

“This one did,” Brittany said stubbornly.

There was a strange echoing sound and then Quinn heard the distinctive sound of two lips smacking together in a kiss.

“Are you guys sitting next to each other?” Quinn demanded.

“Maybe,” Santana said, sounding simultaneously embarrassed and defiant.

“Yes,” Brittany answered simply.

Quinn groaned. “You guys are gross,” she snapped. “God, you’d think you two were still, like, sixteen years old. I’m going to hang up on you now.”

“Bye Quinn,” Brittany said. “But I still don’t think moving is a miracle!”

“Moving definitely doesn’t constitute a miracle, moving is just a pain in the ass,” Santana said. “And I should know. And anyway, it kind of fits because both you and Rachel are pains in the asses, so one of you deserves to move.”

Quinn snorted in derision. “Bye guys,” she said hanging up.

She wasn’t sure if she could talk to Brittany and Santana anymore and not think of Rachel, but she had to admit, moving did not constitute a miracle.

\--

The more time that passed by without a phone call from Rachel, the more Quinn missed Rachel desperately. She didn’t want to just assume that things would smooth over, but some part of her hoped that it would. Rachel and Jane still talked regularly and any time one of the boys wanted to talk to Rachel, Quinn would call and Rachel would call back before the day was over. Just like always.

By July, the children’s summer plans were already planned out. Two weeks with Puck and two weeks with Finn, just like always, once Janie’s birthday passed.

Quinn decided to teach summer school that year, since her annual trip to Rachel was off. It’d been the one time of the year when they were truly alone, since the kids were with Puck and then, Finn and she needed something to take her mind off Rachel. Plus, she needed the money and she needed something to fill the time.

She came home from class one day to see a car parked in her driveway. She frowned and parked on the street rather than the garage. She approached her house cautiously and froze when she saw Rachel sitting on the porch.

\--

“Rachel?” Quinn approached the brunette tentatively. It was a boiling hot day and Quinn wondered if maybe she was hallucinating.

Rachel stood up and smiled hesitantly. “Hi.”

“What are you doing here?” Quinn asked quietly.

Rachel sighed deeply. “I can give up my job, my apartment, my city. I can give up anything in my life. But I can’t give you up,” she said softly. “And I tried, Quinn. I really did. But I can’t.”

Quinn swallowed hard. “What did you do?”

Rachel shrugged. “I moved out of my apartment. I broke the lease,” she said. She gave Quinn a crooked smile. “They charged me an arm and a leg to do it,” she said with a sigh. “I have a couple boxes and stuff at Cassie’s, which I can pick up later, but I gave everything to Goodwill. I have very few possessions, and it feels very… Zen. My show’s run ended last month, and I’m not planning on doing anything else. I just signed a lease on an apartment here.” She bit her lip and smiled hopefully at Quinn. She swallowed hard. “I’m here,” she said softly. “Do you believe me now when I say I want to be here?”

She’d had so much time to think, and she was just consumed by thoughts of Quinn and the kids. She wanted to make this gesture, to prove that she was serious and committed. She donated nearly everything she had to Goodwill and boxed up all the things she did need. Cassie told her it was insane, but Rachel didn’t care. She got screened at her doctor’s to test if she carried the breast cancer gene like her mother, and she was relieved to discover that she didn’t. And she’d only done it to prove to herself that she was committed to Quinn and the kids, because really, if she were just living for herself, it really wouldn’t matter to her either way, because no one else would care either way. She did everything she could think of to prepare herself for this.

Quinn shivered slightly despite the heat. “You’re an idiot,” she whispered. “Rachel, what did you do? That was your life.”

Rachel’s face trembled. “I don’t like my life without you,” she said softly. “You’re all I think about. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t think about anything else but you. These past two months have been awful. I thought it would get better, but it didn’t. This was the only way I could think of to feel better.” She took a deep breath and stared down at the ground. “And I do,” she said, raising her head to meet Quinn’s eyes. “This is the best I can do, Quinn” she said quietly.

“You gave up on your life,” Quinn said. “Rachel! This was the last thing I wanted you to do!”

Rachel’s face fell. “I tried,” she said with a sigh. “Now neither of us will have to wonder about what could have been. Now we both know.” Rachel gave a slight nod and forced herself to give Quinn a teary smile. “Bye.”

Rachel turned and walked off Quinn’s porch.

Quinn stared at Rachel’s back.

“No!” Quinn called after her. “No, don’t leave.” Quinn ran after Rachel, jumping across her porch steps to land on the ground with both feet. She ran toward Rachel and grabbed Rachel from behind into a hard hug. “Don’t leave,” Quinn pleaded. “Don’t do this to me again.”

Rachel’s shoulders were shaking. “You don’t want me here.”

“Of course I want you here,” Quinn said softly. “But this is crazy. I can’t believe you did this.”

Rachel shrugged away from Quinn and turned to stare at the blonde. “How else was I going to prove to you that I want you and the kids more than I want my name in a Playbill?”

“But maybe I want you to have both,” Quinn said softly.

Rachel frowned. “Are you Gift of the Magi-ing me? Because it suddenly feels like you’re Gift of the Magi-ing me, and I’m not sure I like it.”

Quinn swallowed hard. “You just gave up your whole life to be with me,” she said softly.

Rachel raised an eyebrow. “Well, I am still alive, Quinn.”

Quinn swatted at Rachel’s shoulder. “Don’t be a jerk.” She squinted against the sun. “Come inside, it’s too hot out here.”

“It is,” Rachel agreed.

She followed Quinn into the house.

“I can’t believe you’re really here,” Quinn said quietly after she turned the air conditioning on.

“Well, I am,” Rachel said lightly.

Quinn swallowed hard. “Janie knows about us,” she said softly.

Rachel’s eyes widened. “What?! But we were so careful! Do the boys know?”

Quinn looked at her dryly. “I think she’s had her entire life to figure it out, Rachel. And the boys probably do know on some level.”

Rachel crossed her arms in front of her chest. “So what does this mean?” she asked, her voice low and soft.

Quinn stared at the ground and then peered up at Rachel. “She wants to leave Lima.”

Rachel cracked a small grin. “Well, can you blame her?”

“She really wants to leave,” Quinn said quietly.

Rachel looked at Quinn suspiciously. “You are Gift of the Magi-ing me!”

“I’m not Gift of the Magi-ing you!” Quinn exclaimed. “And way to go turning that into a verb.” She cleared her throat. “I just think…it’d make more sense for us to move to you.”

Rachel stared at Quinn. “That makes no sense. You have three kids and you. That’s four people’s lives that would be uprooted. And I just moved here anyway!”

“Yeah,” Quinn said. “But you’d hate it here.” She gave Rachel a small grin. “I hate it here.”

“Quinn, this isn’t up for discussion. I already moved.”

“Then you’ll just have to move back.”

Rachel sighed deeply. “Me. Just me, right?” she asked despondently.

Quinn swallowed audibly. “What if it doesn’t work out between us?” she asked quietly, unable to meet Rachel’s eyes. “What if the best we can do for each other is just a few weeks every year?”

“Then let’s make those weeks special.”

Quinn scowled and lightly slapped Rachel’s shoulder. “Don’t make fun of me. I mean it. It doesn’t matter if we stay here or if we live in New York,” Quinn said softly. “But if we don’t work out, the kids will be so disappointed.” She swallowed hard. “I will be so disappointed.”

She didn’t know if she could ever recover from that kind of disappointment. That kind of disappointment was really just emotional decimation.

“I’ve never loved anyone like I love you,” Rachel said lightly. She reached for Quinn’s hand. “Have a little faith in me.”

Quinn smiled at Rachel. “Are you going to break into song?”

Rachel smiled back. “No,” she said. “Unless that will convince you that we’ll be okay.”

Quinn’s lip quivered. “Our lives are so different.”

Rachel gave her a small smile. “Not that different,” she said softly. “I mean, the reason I didn’t talk to you about my life is that I…well, it wasn’t all that interesting. I think you think my life is one endless party, and it’s not. It’s just me, going to work, going to the gym, going grocery shopping or whatever. You think I have some endless circle of friends, but that’s never been my life. Most of the time, it’s just me at my apartment and that’s not all that interesting.”

“You can’t cut me out of the most basic parts of your life anymore,” Quinn said. “You have to talk to me, even if you’re embarrassed or ashamed. When you don’t tell me things, it makes me feel like I’m not important enough to talk about these things with. How can I believe that you want to be with me and that you have so much faith in me, if you won’t tell me things about how your dad is doing, or about your sister or all the other things you’ve been keeping from me that I don’t even know about.”

Rachel’s eyes ducked down. “But you’ll be there so there won’t be anything to tell.”

“Rachel.”

Rachel sighed. “You’re right,” she said softly. “It’s just…I know I’m not easy to like or to love,” she said. “I mean, people who’ve worked with me think I’m nice, but they also think I might be crazy. I know I kind of put people off sometimes, but I don’t like to be reminded of it, and I don’t like to have to talk about it, either.”

“You don’t put me off.”

“And some people might think you’re a little crazy for that,” Rachel joked.

Somewhere behind the 32 year old woman standing in front of her was the 16 year old girl who Quinn had fallen in love with. The one with so much God-given talent, but so much wounded self-esteem who was undeniably her harshest critic.

Quinn chuckled. “Crazy fits us,” she murmured, reaching for Rachel and encircling Rachel’s waist with her arms. She rested her forehead against Rachel’s. “Did you really move here?”

“Yeah,” Rachel said softly.

“Tell me why you did it.” There was a hint of begging in Quinn’s voice.

Rachel swallowed hard and she stared down at the ground for a moment before she took a deep breath. “Because I love you.”

Quinn felt her face tremble. “You really rented an apartment?”

Rachel blushed. “A few blocks from here,” she said softly. “I thought I might, you know, have to court you.”

Quinn grinned. “That wouldn’t be so bad,” she joked.

Rachel peered into Quinn’s eyes. “So seriously, what are you saying?”

Quinn swallowed hard. “I don’t know,” she said truthfully. “But I want us to be together. I’ve always wanted that. Let’s…let’s give it the summer,” she suggested softly. “And we can figure out what we want.” She cupped Rachel’s cheek. “As a family.” She looked at Rachel hopefully. “Can you give me a few more weeks?”

Rachel smiled. “I’m not planning on going anywhere. I don’t even own anything.”

Quinn chuckled. “Then I guess you’ll be at my mercy.”

“I kind of always have been,” Rachel said.

Their lips met in a kiss.

\--

They lay curled into one another between crisp, cool sheets. Their bodies were warm, but the air conditioning had been running all day and the thermostat had been mysteriously set to be incredibly cold, and so they had no choice but to lie curled into one another for the body heat.

“Pro,” Quinn said. “You love New York and people say it’s the best city in the world.”

“Con,” Rachel said. “It has a higher crime rate than here and the kids may not be able to adjust to it.” She absently traced her initials on Quinn’s arm. “My turn. Pro. If we stay here, we have a lot of people who are willing to babysit and help out. Our families and a lot of our friends are here.”

“Con,” Quinn responded. “I’ve been wanting to get out of Lima since I was seven years old, Janie hates it here and my parents are here.” She kissed Rachel’s neck. “Pro. If we move to New York, you’ll have your career, there are plenty of schools in New York for the kids and I can teach anywhere.”

“Con,” Rachel said. “You and the kids would have to completely change your life around and I’m already here. And on the pro side for Lima, my dads are here and daddy isn’t doing so well. I should be here.”

“Con,” Quinn said. “Your dads don’t want you to give up New York and would ship you back anyway, and you would actually fit into a shipping crate.”

“Hey!”

“Pro for the New York side,” Quinn said softly. “Your career is there, and it’s really the only place you could have that career. And you love it. I could do my career anywhere.”

“Con,” Rachel said. “My career isn’t more important than you.”

“That’s not a fair con,” Quinn said quietly. She absently ran her index finger across Rachel’s shoulder blades.

Rachel turned around to face her. “Well,” she said softly. “I mean, if you moved to New York, we don’t actually have to live in the City. We could, I don’t know, move to the suburbs and buy a big house.”

“I already live in the suburbs.”

“Then I could move to the suburbs. I. Me.”

“So what was up with that ‘we’? Is that the royal we? Have you become a member of the royal family?”

“Okay, okay. I get it,” Rachel said with a grin. “If you moved, we could you know, move somewhere less crowded. Less city. Like New Jersey,” Rachel said, sniffing a little bit in distaste at saying the state.

“What do you have against New Jersey?”

“Sorry,” Rachel said. “I’ve been feigning disdain for so long that sometimes it feels real.”

Quinn chuckled. “God, you’re a snob.”

“I am not a snob,” Rachel said, offended.

“Yeah,” Quinn said affectionately. “You’re just a nice girl from Ohio, you just happen to have the fancy New York apartment, the expensive haircut and the killer wardrobe.”

“You think I have a killer wardrobe?” Rachel asked, sounding pleased.

“Well, compared to your high school wardrobe, yes,” Quinn teased.

Rachel grinned. “Thanks a lot.”

“I love you, but I’m just being truthful”

“Quinn, are you sure?”

Quinn was quiet for a long moment. “You were willing to give up your whole life to move back here,” she said softly. “I think I can move six hundred miles away and find a new teaching job.”

Rachel shifted so that she balanced on her elbows. She peered down at Quinn. “Are you sure?” she repeated.

Quinn swallowed hard. “Will you promise me you’re not going to change your mind in a couple weeks or something?”

“I promise,” Rachel said softly.

“Be honest with me, seriously,” Quinn said. “Do you really believe we’re going to be okay?”

Rachel smiled. “It’s probably the only thing I believe in right now.”

“Then I’m sure.”

“You’re going to be uprooting your entire life. You’re going to be uprooting the kids’ entire lives. Why would you do that when me moving here is so much easier?”

Quinn took a deep breath. “Because I love you.”

\--

When Quinn really thought about it, she wasn’t sure why she dragged her heels for so long. It was true what they said about children being resilient. Two months into a new school year at a new school in a new city and state, and all three of her kids already had tons of friends. Their teachers loved them and complimented her on what sweet kids she had. The children seemed happy, particularly Jane.

When she and Rachel announced they would be living together, full-time, and they would be moving to New York, Quinn expected outrage or surprise, at least, from the boys. But they just seemed unimpressed and almost bored by the news. And although they were sad to leave their friends and the family and community they’d always known, Rachel was no stranger to them, Rachel had always been a part of their lives.

It was really only after they settled into their lives and the children seemed so content and well-adjusted that Quinn could admit that much of her resistance and hesitancy to just move was due to the fact she was afraid she and Rachel wouldn’t work out. But it didn’t take a miracle to just get off her ass and rent a moving van, and it didn’t take a miracle to make a relationship work, either. It took hard work, and Quinn was not afraid of a little hard work.

Quinn was not afraid of a little hard work, which was why she agreed to an early dinner with Rachel and Rachel’s so-called sister, Leah and Leah’s husband. Jane agreed to watch the boys for a couple hours and Quinn was just glad she had an opportunity to screen some of the insufferable people Rachel seemed to favor so much.

But once she actually met Leah, she realized that Leah was not some criminal mastermind or a con artist. She was just a 22 year old kid who wanted a relationship with Rachel, simply because they shared the same mother. Leah was looking for a connection where there may not actually be a connection, and Quinn had to admit she saw a lot of Rachel in Leah. Maybe they would never be sisters, maybe they would never even be friends, but Quinn didn’t want to take that away from Rachel, either.

As they walked home together that night, Quinn grudgingly leaned into Rachel and whispered into her ear. “You were right, I was wrong.”

Rachel chuckled. “You can’t always be right.”

“Well, don’t get used to being right, because I’m not getting used to being wrong.”

“Well, then,” Rachel grinned. “You can always be right, even when you’re wrong.”

Quinn sighed with exasperation. “It’s not as meaningful when you admit you’re just patronizing me. I want to really be right.”

Rachel laughed and reached for one of Quinn’s hands and squeezed. “This will just have to be enough for now then.”

Quinn held Rachel’s warm hand in hers. “Yeah, okay,” she said grudgingly. She grinned at Rachel. She brushed her lips against Rachel’s. “You’re off the hook.”

“We’re home,” Rachel said, gesturing to the apartment she and Quinn were renting together. The rent was ridiculously expensive, but the rooms were fairly large, especially Todd and Logan’s room since they had to share, and everyone seemed to find something they loved about it. Even though she’d called New York City ‘home’ since she was twenty years old (it took two years to stop considering Lima ‘home’), this was the first time she felt like some place she lived was really a home.

“Yes, we are,” Quinn teased. “Did you forget where we live?”

Rachel grinned back. “I was just glad we’re home,” she said. She leaned in close and whispered in Quinn’s ear. “Because I have this urge to see you naked.”

Quinn blushed and swatted Rachel’s shoulder. She hugged Rachel close and buried her face into Rachel’s neck. “Why do you say these things to me when you know we can’t do anything until the kids are asleep?”

Rachel gave her a sly grin. “Because I love you.”

Rachel meant it to gently teasing, but the words were undeniably sincere.

Quinn palmed Rachel’s cheek. She nuzzled Rachel’s nose with her own. “Come on,” she said taking Rachel by the hand. She stepped back and swung their arms. “Let’s go home.”

“If that’s what you want,” Rachel teased.

“It is.”

The End


End file.
